Moore than a Feeling

by Julie A. Richman

  “ʼNight.”

  It was maybe five minutes later when she heard the rustling of his sheets, followed by footsteps and the motion of his side of the bed yielding under his weight. She rolled over to face him.

  “It’s just crazy. For four-hundred-and-ninety-three nights, all I thought about was falling asleep with you in my arms. That dream got me through more dark nights than I care to admit. And here you are, in my bed, and I’m sleeping across the room. That’s just insane.” Reaching out, he pulled her close to him. As he went to push the hair from her face, his hand brushed the wetness of her cheeks. “Please don’t cry.” He wiped her cheek with his fingers.

  “That ferry’s sailed.”

  “You feel so good, you know that. I’ve missed you. I know you don’t think I have. But I have. It’s been four-hundred-and-ninety-three nights.” His voice was thick with emotion.

  She was shocked that he knew how many days it had been, that he’d been counting their time apart. He was the one who left her. Why would he count days?

  He continued, “I am stuck in a rabbit hole right now and I don’t want to drag you down there with me. What you saw July 4th, which, by the way, I hate that you saw, is just the tip of the iceberg.”

  “Why do you hate that?”

  “Oh, Angel, do you think I want you to see me that way?”

  “I’m sure you don’t, but do you really think that would make me love you any less? You saw what my reaction was. I couldn’t stay away.”

  “And I loved you for that. But trust me, when it’s not an isolated incident, it gets old.”

  In that moment, Holly realized that for Aiden, the darkness was not a cloak, but rather his safe space to lay bare his demons without the light of judgment shining upon them.

  “What can I do to help?” Please let me in. Please. She silently begged.

  “Stay away from me, Angel.”

  The irony of his words with their bodies pressed together didn’t elude either one of them.

  “I don’t think that I can do that, Aiden. You’re like a drug for me, and it’s an addiction I haven’t had much success kicking.”

  Even in the darkness, she could see his smile before his head dipped to her neck. “I am so sorry I did this to you.” His words were muffled as he slowly worked his way around her neck placing a chain of kisses over the line of bruises left by his fingers.

  With every kiss, Holly’s breath hitched. Four-hundred-and-ninety-three nights, longing, dreaming, needing his touch. “Aiden,” she whispered. “Aiden.” Burrowing her fingers in his hair, she lifted his face from her neck until his lips were right above hers, and then on hers with a forcefulness, and an urgency that matched her own.

  Breaking the kiss, he pushed up on his forearms. “I can’t be this close to you, Angel, and not be inside you.”

  That was her Aiden talking. She saw him. He was there.

  Rolling onto her back, Holly pulled him on top of her.

  “Ditch the shirt.” His voice was gruff.

  Raising her arms, she looked at him, indicating she was going to need a little help since he was on top of her.

  Rolling over and pulling her on top of him, he smiled up at her. “Next position, please.” It was an inside joke, from a long day they’d spent together at the Motor Vehicle Office, where the lady behind the counter would move people through the line saying, “Next position, please.”

  Lifting his shoulders off the bed, he reached for the hem of his Army shirt and pulled it over Holly’s head, eliciting an involuntary moan at the sight of the tan lines on her gorgeous breasts.

  “I’m still not inside you,” he reminded her.

  “That’s not my fault.” She got off him and sat on the bed, then reached over and snapped the elastic waistband of his boxer-briefs. She marveled at how easy it was to slide back into Holly & Aiden. How easy it was to be them.

  Reaching down, he pulled his underwear off in one fluid motion, and was back on top of Holly in the next. Please forgive me, Lord. I’m dragging her into the rabbit hole with me, leading her by the hand, and I just can’t stop myself. “You really should have stayed away from me.”

  There was no foreplay. There was none needed.

  “That ferry’s sailed.” Her words were mixed by a gasp as she felt him fill her.

  With his eyes closed, he drove into her fast and hard, his need to unleash fueling the relentless pace. The thought of asking her if he should pull out fleeted across his mind, and he batted it away ferociously, needing to fill her, to reclaim a life that was once his.

  “You feel so freaking good,” he growled. “I have missed fucking you.”

  “You’re not deep enough,” she told the man who was always pushing her away. “I want you deeper.”

  “Like this?” He rammed her hard.

  “Just like that,” she gulped.

  Leaning back on his haunches, he pulled her down onto him and with his hands at her waist driving her up and down, he buried himself deep inside.

  “Is that deep enough?”

  She shook her head, her long silky hair whipping his face, eliciting a primal groan that emanated from deep in his chest. There was no one who made him feel the way she did, and he knew there never would be anyone else who could.

  “No? You need it deeper, Angel?” He rammed her down hard, filling her completely.

  “Damn, I’ve missed your cock,” she said into his neck as she hung on for the rough, insane ride.

  “Yeah, and I’ve missed ramming it into your tight, little hole.”

  Pulling her face from his neck and looking at him, she sneered, “Good.”

  “I love when you get bitchy.”

  Without saying a word, her mouth went to his neck, her teeth scraping his skin hard, and then biting down, claiming and marking. Let that new little waitress ask who gave you that.

  “You nasty little bitch.” He rammed her down hard…

  …and she bit harder, only letting go when he began to lie her on her back. This was them, and for right now, she had him back, the comfort, the rapport, the passion. There was no other world. This was their world as it was before. Holly and Aiden. Aiden and Holly. Air. Water. Each other. That had been all they ever needed.

  Taking his face in her hands, she looked at him, sorting out the light and the shadows playing upon his face and trying desperately to etch a visual memory that would always bring her back to the overwhelming pitch of this moment. This very second needed to be committed to memory.

  Burying his face in her neck, he groaned, “Come with me, Angel.”

  And like a thousand nights before, hearing those words, words she didn’t know if she’d ever hear again, she let go and let him take her over the edge.

  Staying inside her, he laid his head on her chest, and her arms immediately wrapped around him.

  “You hugging me?” he asked with a smile she couldn’t see.

  She laughed. “Yeah, but I think this time you might want me to.” And she kissed the top of his head.

  “I think you might be right.” He remained in her arms and inside her, silent, for what felt like a while before getting up to head to the bathroom.

  Feeling an immediate sadness, she knew this wasn’t basking in a post-coital glow, because there had been so much pain in their joy tonight.

  Returning with a warm, wet towel, Aiden sat down next to her. “Spread ʼem, Angel.” His touch was soft as he ran the cloth between her legs, causing her to jump a little. “I was kinda rough tonight.” Lying back down, he pulled her to him, spooning her and whispered, “I’ve got an appointment in Bay Shore in the morning. It’s with a shrink. I’m hoping he can help.”

  Holly smiled in the dark. “My money’s on you, McManus.”

  “You always were the optimistic one.” There was a tone of resignation in his voice and a heaviness indicating he was already falling asleep.

  Lying awake for a long time, she listened to his breathing, not wanting to miss a single note from his
symphony of sounds. Her nights had been silent for too long. But as the night moved toward dawn, the sinking feeling in Holly’s gut told her that the telling glare of daylight was going to be harsh.

  She ached everywhere. Her neck, her insides from the roughness of his thrusts, her heart. His ability to open up in the darkness had dissipated in daylight, just as she had feared, replaced by a detached aloofness.

  Inspecting her bruises, they looked even worse than they had the night before and she hoped the truly garish color was just a result of the bathroom’s fluorescent lighting. She had to get home and into her room before the kids got up for breakfast and camp so that they wouldn’t be alarmed at the sight of her neck. And more than anything, she was well aware that she needed to be gone before her father got out to Fire Island, or all hell was going to break loose the minute he saw Aiden’s fingerprints all over her throat.

  “Do you have a hoodie I can borrow?” she asked, stepping out of the bathroom, devising how she could pull her hair forward with the hood up and hide some of the bruising.

  “Yeah, sure.” He tossed a sweatshirt to her. This too was gray and emblazoned with the Army logo.

  Pulling it over her head, she immediately put the hood up and pulled her hair out the front.

  “I’m sorry about last night.”

  “I know you didn’t know it was me.”

  “Yeah. That, too. But, I mean, I’m sorry about everything.”

  “Are you talking about us being together last night?” She could feel her anger rising.

  “Yeah. It shouldn’t have happened. I should have had more self-control.”

  “So, let me ask you something. What was that last night?”

  “What was that?” He thought for a moment. “What happened between us was really hot sex. We fuck great together. We always have.”

  “We fuck great together,” she repeated his words in disbelief, shaking her head. “Nice, Aiden. Real nice.”

  Shrugging his shoulders, he didn’t even attempt contrition. “Hey, I’ve warned you to stay away from me.”

  “Keep pushing me away. And I will go.” Walking to the door, she did not look back, afraid the hurt would show in her eyes, and not wanting to give him that power.

  As she walked home, she tried to let go of the hurt and anger as she played the night over and over in her mind, and became more convinced than ever that she could help him. He’d shown her glimpses that he was still there, and fighting to escape what she could only think of as a POW camp in his mind.

  If only he would let her in.

  But she feared that ferry might have already sailed, too.

  It was late morning when there was a knock on her bedroom door.

  “Come in,” she yelled from the bathroom, where she’d spent the past half hour semi-successfully applying make-up to her bruises. “I’m in here.”

  “Hey, just checking on you, it’s not like you to sleep late. You’re usually finishing your run when we’re first getting up.” Stepping through the bathroom door, Mia saw Holly in the mirror dabbing her neck with a cosmetic sponge. “What the…”

  “I know this looks bad.”

  “Oh my God. Are you okay? How did this happen? Did someone attack you when you were running this morning?”

  Holly shook her head, followed by a short bitter chuckle. “No. This was no stranger.” She paused. “Or maybe it was.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m not following you.”

  Blending in the last few dabs of make-up, she put the sponge down and turned to Mia. “Let’s go sit.”

  Holly sat down in the middle of her bed, with Mia across the room in a chair, and recounted the night’s events starting with Billy’s text, through Aiden waking in shock, and finally his disgust and remorse when he was conscious of what had happened. She intentionally left out the rest of the night and the morning’s conversation.

  “I just didn’t think he’d be violent,” Mia stammered, shocked by what Holly had recounted.

  “I don’t think he is. I think this was just a bizarre circumstance. He was not awake when this occurred. He was still in a dream state.”

  “Sounds more like a nightmare. Holly, I’m concerned this could happen again.”

  “I’m really not, Mia. Obviously, I don’t know that for sure. But I just think this was one of those perfect, or imperfect, in our case, storms. I don’t think he’s violent, and believe me, if I had any doubt about that, I’d be scared, and I’m not.”

  Cocking her head, Mia gave her an are you serious look.

  “Really.” Holly nodded. “I’m more scared of him when he’s awake.”

  “Why?”

  “Well, just what he can do to me emotionally. But I do know he’s trying to get help. He told me he’s meeting with a psychiatrist this morning and I think that’s a great step. I don’t think he wants to let himself get too optimistic in case he doesn’t make progress.”

  Mia nodded. It appeared that although Aiden had confided getting into therapy, he hadn’t mentioned her involvement.

  Getting up from the bed, Holly went to the closet and pulled out her duffel bag.

  “Where are you going?”

  Holly sighed. “I called Jenna and she’s going out to the Hamptons. Pierce is out there, playing a place called the Echo Beach Inn and is staying in a big house with plenty of room, so I’m going to meet her on the 2:33 train out of Bay Shore. I can’t be home when Dad gets here. He will go apeshit if he sees me and I don’t even want to think about him getting into it with Aiden.” She sighed again. “Nothing good can come from that.”

  Holly moved around the room quickly, grabbing clothes for the weekend. “Is Dad still getting in at his usual time tomorrow?” The weeks Schooner was in the city, he’d always be on the 3 p.m. ferry on Thursday afternoons.

  Mia nodded, but remained silent for another minute. “Holly, how am I not going to tell him this?” Mia’s gut was churning. Not only was she keeping her involvement in Aiden’s therapy from Holly and Schooner, now she was asked to keep Aiden practically choking Holly from her husband, too. It was too much of a burden knowing everyone’s secrets.

  “If you tell him, I’d really appreciate it if you could just play it down.”

  “I wish I could unsee your neck without make-up. I really do.”

  “Mia, he felt terrible. He really did. If he didn’t have remorse, I’d worry. But he was devastated by what happened.” And now she was devastated by the aftermath and being relegated to a great fuck. “I’ve just got to get away.”

  “I understand. And you’ll have fun in the Hamptons. I have some very good, albeit hazy,” she smiled, “memories of hanging out at the EBI.”

  “EBI?”

  “Echo Beach Inn. It’s a Long Island landmark for fun. Pretty infamous and very cool that Pierce is playing there.”

  “It’s my first time in the Hamptons. Do you think I’ll like it?” Holly zipped up her duffel after throwing in her makeup case and blow dryer.

  “The Hamptons are beautiful, and actually you are a descendant of one of the founding families. Your branch of the Moores settled in Southampton in the 1640s.”

  Holly stopped moving. “I didn’t know that. So, this is where we started in this country?”

  “Your dad and I did a bunch of research way back, and if I remember correctly, John Moore was born in England and then was in the Massachusetts Bay Colony before settling on Long Island. I think there was also a Southold branch of the family, too. That’s on the north fork of the island. And I think that branch of the Moores had been in Salem. But to answer your question, the Hamptons are beautiful and historic, just a really different vibe than here. This is infinitely more laid-back, the Hamptons are more see and be seen. You’ll need clothes and makeup for the Hamptons.”

  “Good to know.” Looking sad, she slung the bag over her shoulder, and confessed. “I am worried about Aiden, Mia. Not because of this.” She pointed to her neck. “I’m worried about what’s going through his head w
hen he’s awake.”

  “Hopefully he’ll be able to do good work with this therapist.”

  “I hope so. He’s really such a good person.”

  “I know he is,” Mia agreed, saying a silent prayer that his session this morning steered him to the right track.

  “I really miss the guy who could make me laugh and had so much charisma he could charm an eighty-five-year-old nun. I see glimpses and I want to unlock the cage. Is that crazy?”

  “No. It’s not crazy at all. This is going to take more patience than, I think, any of us can imagine. One day at a time is going to be tough, but then at some point you’ll realize that the glimpses are longer and more often. But, for now, get off this island, have some fun with Pierce and Jenna, try to stay in the moment with the Hamptons. Fire Island and all the drama will still be here when you get back. Now, go have fun. And I’m going to try and forget that I ever saw your neck.”

  Mia was on a conference call when Schooner walked through the front door. Looking up, she gave him a small wave and felt her heart bloom with that feeling that she still got every time the man walked in a room. It had been an emotional week. First her talk with Aiden, then the situation with Holly. She was glad he was back, knowing his calm, centering presence was the energy she needed surrounding her. That and his arms.

  Tipping her head back for a kiss, she mouthed the words, “I missed you.”

  “It’s smoochal,” he whispered, smiling, his real smile. “I’m going up to shower and change.”

  “Don’t use all the mango butter lotion,” she whispered after him.

  Stopping on the third step, he looked back over his shoulder, his smile wide. “Never without you,” he promised, before continuing to climb the stairs.