Moore than a Feeling

by Julie A. Richman

  Opening his embrace, she sat back and met his gaze.

  “How’d you get to be so smart?”

  He smiled. “You want the truth?”

  “Yeah.”

  “By making mistakes and letting go of my ego enough to admit them and then learn from them.”

  She shook her head and smiled. “Then you must’ve screwed up a lot of stuff because you are really smart.”

  He let out a hearty laugh. “Now you’ve got my number.” Turning serious again, he added, “I can’t tell you what to do. There’s no right or wrong in this situation. But you know where I’m coming from, you are my princess, and I want the best for you.” He had discovered that even in her twenties, she was still his little girl. And although he wanted to protect her from anything that caused her pain, the best thing he could do for her was to be there when she needed him. He had learned from that mistake last summer.

  “And you don’t think that’s Aiden?”

  “I didn’t say that at all. I like Aiden. I actually like him a lot. I don’t like what he did to you, and I’m talking about the past year and a half, not the neck thing, even though I don’t like that either. I’m hoping that how he handled things with you is a screw-up that he’s learned from.”

  “I really love him, Dad.”

  “I know you do, sweetheart,” he acknowledged. “So, from my conversation with him, it appears he’s going to spend the winter out here renovating the building so that he’s open for the start of next season.”

  “We haven’t even gotten that far in our conversations yet.”

  “Winters are rough out here. And with only a handful of people around, I imagine it’s rather isolating.”

  “My reality hasn’t extended past what craziness the next twenty-four hours might bring.”

  He stood and smiled down at his daughter. “There’s something to be said for living in the moment.”

  He was physically more touchy than she remembered him being in the past. And he was always pretty touchy back then, she thought. Tonight at Castaway, there was never a moment where Aiden wasn’t touching some part of her. Her hand, her fingertips, an arm slung over her shoulder, or standing close behind her, an arm draped over one shoulder and wrapped around her.

  The pre-Labor Day crowd getting a head start before the weekend had the already summer-sized crowd swelling, and with every passing moment, Castaway’s crowd thickened.

  “I have to work every dinner and night shift over the next few days, including Labor Day.” He put his lips close to her ear so that he wouldn’t have to shout over the crowd.

  “I figured you’d be on.” It wasn’t a surprise. Every establishment on the island was at full staff on the final weekend of the season. They had worked it together in the past, always ending up exhausted by Tumbleweed Tuesday, when the island became a ghost town.

  “Come hang out with me and keep me company, okay?”

  “Only if you promise not to make me drink Malibu Barbie’s.” She smiled.

  “Deal.” His embrace from behind tightened and she could feel the tension in his body. Craning her neck back to look at him, Holly could see him scanning the crowd.

  Tugging at his arm to get him to bend down so that she could whisper in his ear, she asked, “What number are you at?”

  “About a six.”

  “What were you at when we got here?”

  “About a two.”

  “Do you want to head out?” In just the past few days, she’d figured out at least some of the questions that needed to be asked.

  “Yeah. Let me finish this drink.”

  At first, she thought it odd that he’d want to stay with his anxiety on the rise, even to finish a drink, but when he lifted the plastic cup to his mouth, downing the drink like a cold glass of water on a sweltering afternoon, she had her answer.

  “Okay, let’s get out of here.” He was more than ready.

  Taking Holly by the hand, he led her through the crowd toward the door, his grip tightening to vise-like as they went along, making it almost unbearable by the time they were out on the street.

  “Aiden, you’re hurting my hand.” She tried to yank away from him, but he didn’t respond. “Aiden,” her voice was sharp and loud enough for heads on Bayview Walk to turn. Still he didn’t respond. “Aiden!” She grabbed his forearm with her free hand.

  Turning to her, he appeared totally unaware that she’d been trying to get his attention, regarding her with a questioning look on his face.

  “Aiden, you’re hurting me.” She shifted her gaze from his face to their joined hands.

  It took him a moment to process what she was saying before he loosened his grip. “Sorry, I didn’t realize…” His voice trailed off. “Why don’t I walk you home,” he suggested.

  “Home?”

  “Yeah, I’m just going to go back to my place and get my shit together.”

  “And you don’t want me there?” The hurt in her eyes was unmistakable.

  “Nah. I’m just gonna throw on some headphones and draw or something.”

  “And you don’t want me there.” This time it wasn’t a question. She turned to walk toward home.

  Within a few feet, he caught up to her, falling into stride. “Angel, it’s not that I don’t want you there. This isn’t about you, so please don’t take it personally. I just need to go into my own space and regroup, you know.”

  She didn’t answer and they fell into an uncomfortable silence as they walked along.

  “I guess I just wish you wanted me there no matter what.” They’d arrived at the Moore’s house.

  “We’ll get there.”

  They both feared his words might not be true. And with a quick kiss on the cheek, he was gone before she could respond, never seeing the tears that filled her eyes as she watched him walk away.

  Coming in from her run early the next morning, she found Mia sitting alone on the deck drinking coffee from her Not my circus, not my monkeys mug.

  “Hey, are you just getting home?” she asked.

  “No. I was home all night. I just went out for a run.”

  “You came home last night?” Mia was surprised.

  “Yeah, Aiden was having a tough time with the crowds last night and just wanted to go home and chill out.” Making a face, “By himself,” she added.

  “Well, that might be the case for a little bit until he figures out how to integrate you fully into his new reality. It’s a change. And change might come a little slower now for him.”

  “I know. I just want it to be the way it was and sometimes it feels like it and then reality hits and it’s clear that things are really different now.” Looking up at the hazy sky, Holly wiped away the tears that unexpectedly made their escape. “Ugh, I’m so emotional. I must be PMSing.” Pulling her phone out of her running pouch, she scrolled through, looking for something.

  “Everything okay?” Mia asked, noting her stepdaughter’s furrowed brow.

  Looking up from her phone, she shrugged it off. “Yeah, fine,” she said with a forced smile.

  Not wanting to push it, Mia just nodded, thinking Holly shared something else with her father, whom she was so very much like. They both had a real smile, and if you knew them well enough, it was easy to discern when a smile was real and when it wasn’t.

  Standing abruptly, she announced, “I’m out of contact lens solution. I’m going to run into town and get some.”

  “I have plenty if you need to borrow,” Mia offered.

  “Thanks, but I really need a bottle. I’ll get a twin-pack, so I can leave one at Aiden’s, too,” she said with another fake smile, trying to look as natural as possible. “Anything you need while I’m there?”

  “No. I’m good. Thanks.” Mia flipped open her laptop and pulled up her email.

  As Holly reached the door to the house, she stopped and turned back to Mia. “Is my dad home?”

  “No. He has that doubles tournament today.”

  “Oh, right. I forgot abo
ut that,” she said absentmindedly. “You sure you don’t need anything?”

  “I’m good,” reiterated Mia and wondered if the same could be said for her stepdaughter.

  “Okay, I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

  Just over an hour later, a freshly showered Holly left the house again, this time headed for Denhoff Walk. Oblivious to her surroundings, she practiced lines in her head, scrapped them, tried a new tact, and scrapped that, too, knowing only one thing for certain, that she had no clue as to how her words would be received.

  He was standing toe to toe with her, hands on her upper arms, bringing her to a dead halt. “You’re in your own world. You didn’t even see me walking toward you for an entire block.” Smiling, he bent down to place a soft kiss on her lips.

  “Wow.” She hadn’t realized that she had totally spaced out her surroundings, heading toward his house on autopilot. “I was on my way to come see you.”

  “Well, that’s funny, because I was on my way to come see you.”

  “You were?” She looked surprised.

  “Yeah, there’s something I need to say to you and something I need to ask you.”

  “Well, there’s something I need to tell you.” Her tone sounded absolute.

  Aiden immediately tensed, picking up on her stress. He could see it in every muscle in her face, and the way her eyes were darting everywhere, looking at every person who passed.

  With emotion swiftly fleeting across her face, his mind spun out of control. She just can’t do this thing with me. Who could blame her? I really fucked up last night, shutting her out like that. I never should have dragged her into my shit to start with. It’s really just so much easier for her to be with fucking Bun Man. She’s always smiling when she’s with him. I don’t make her smile anymore. And she deserves to smile. This was a selfish mistake what I’ve done to her. And now she’s going to tell me goodbye. And deservedly so.

  “Why don’t you go first,” he finally said, knowing what he had to say might be moot if she was breaking up with him.

  Looking around, her eyes still darted nervously as she muttered, “I don’t want to do this publicly.”

  Nodding, his heart sank. “I understand. Come with me.” He grabbed her hand, holding it firmly, this time without hurting her.

  Walking fast, it was a struggle for Holly to keep up with him as they turned on Bayberry Walk and approached the building with the long porch. Digging in his jeans’ pocket with his free hand, Aiden pulled out his keys and unlocked the door, leading her into the space that would be transformed into Acebo.

  Like her father earlier in the week, she slowly surveyed the space. “It’s going to be beautiful,” she commented, doing a second visual sweep of what would become a tapas restaurant next summer.

  Defensively, as if protecting his heart, he crossed his arms over his chest. “So, what did you want to tell me?” He couldn’t wait a minute longer, and at least in here, they would have total privacy for what he was certain would be a very emotional conversation.

  Meeting his gaze, she started gnawing at her bottom lip.

  “Please just say it,” he begged. Why was I so stupid to think things could be okay, that I could still have it all? That she’d come back to me and just deal with all my fucked-up shit. Dumb ass.

  “I was trying to figure out what I was going to say when I was walking to your place, but I couldn’t figure it out. I don’t know how to tell you.”

  “Just do it, Holly. Tell me.” He sounded resigned.

  Taking a deep breath, she nervously pushed her hair behind her ear and nodded. “Okay, I’ll just say it. There’s no way to make this anything but what it is.” She paused, taking another deep breath, wishing there was something in the empty room to hold onto, but the only thing surrounding her was empty space. “So, it seems that the night of our infamous great fuck…”

  He winced at the words. His words. Words that he would forever regret.

  “Was more than a choke and fuck.” She tried to smile, but the muscles in her face quivered too much to successfully pull it off.

  “I’m not sure I’m following you.”

  “I’m pregnant, Aiden. I conceived that night.”

  Cocking his head, he smirked. “You know, I remember thinking at the time, I should stop and ask you if we should go on, and then I thought, no, I’m not stopping, this is going to end the same way, no matter what. I guess that was pretty selfish of me, huh?”

  She shook her head. “We were trying to claw our way out of a year and a half of hell. Control wasn’t in the cards for anything that happened that night. For either of us.”

  Shaking his head, he had an amused look on his face. “I choked you and knocked you up. In another context that would actually sound hot and kinky.”

  “And in our context?” she asked, still waiting for some kind of real reaction out of him.

  “In our context. Wow. Umm… mind blowing. Surprising. Scary. It sounds scary.” Focused on some indeterminate spot on the floor, he raked his hand through his hair, his mind clearly going a million miles an hour. Looking back up, he met her gaze. “I want to be a great father. I hope I’m not too fucked up to be a great father.” He then surveyed the room and vocalized what was going through his mind. “Shit, I need to get my ass working on this place and get it open. I have a family I need to support.” Looking back at her, he asked. “How long have you known?”

  “About forty minutes.”

  “Oh, wow, you just found out.”

  She nodded. “I’m sorry, Aiden. That night just happened, and I know this isn’t the best thing to spring on you now. It’s a lot to handle in the best of circumstances and our circumstances are far from optimal.”

  And as the thought occurred to him, he asked, “You do want this baby, don’t you? I mean, I can understand why you might not. You’ve got your whole life in front of you and your career and as you’ve seen multiple times now, I’m pretty fucked up and we’re…”

  “Yes, I want this baby,” she cut him off.

  His shoulders sank as the tension he was holding dissipated with her words. Uncrossing his arms, he held them open for her, each taking steps toward the other until the distance no longer existed.

  “I’m hugging you whether you want me to or not,” he whispered in her ear.

  “I want you to.”

  Smiling as he held her tight, “I’m hugging you and our baby together for the first time.” He was silent for a moment. “Wow, Angel, we’re having a baby.” He tightened his embrace. “We’re having a baby,” he repeated into her hair.

  Pulling back to look at his face, she asked, “Are you okay with this?”

  “Honestly?”

  “Yes, please.”

  “I’m processing it. I thought you were dumping me today, not telling me we’re going to be a family. Full disclosure, I’m scared as hell that I’m not going to be the man I want to be. But that just means I have to work harder to make sure that happens, for you, and for our baby.” He paused, “I still haven’t answered your question, have I? So, let me answer it this way. There is no one, and I mean no one, I would want more, to be the mother of my children than you. You even wanting to have my baby is just mind blowing to me. Is the timing something we didn’t expect? Yeah. Is it made even more crazy because we’re just finding our way back to each other? Definitely. Am I okay with it? I’m a lot more than okay with it, Angel. My dreams just got fast-tracked, that’s a good thing, not a bad thing.”

  Those were the words of Aiden McManus, her Aiden McManus. Reminding her, yet one more time, exactly why her heart was never able to shut the door on their story.

  Looking up at him, she asked, “What did you want to say to me and what did you want to ask me?”

  “Well, the first thing I want to say to you is I’m sorry about last night. The minute I got home I realized that what worked for me before doesn’t work for me now that you’re back in my life. That solitude I thought I needed was not what I needed. Wh
at I needed was you.”

  Looking up from his chest, she couldn’t speak, overwhelmed by the conclusion he came to on his own.

  He went on. “So, I am really sorry about last night. Really sorry. Not being able to handle a crowd doesn’t mean I need to be alone. It means I shouldn’t be in a crowd. That doesn’t include shutting you out. So, I learned that last night. I was alone and all I wanted was to be holding you and to not be alone.”

  “That’s a good lesson. I like that.”

  “Yeah. I didn’t know. I just thought it was like it was before, where I needed to be alone, so it was really kind of an epiphany for me.”

  “Okay, and so what did you want to ask me?”

  “I wanted to ask you if you were leaving on Tumbleweed Tuesday with the rest of your family?” He didn’t wait for an answer. “Because I wanted to know if you would stay. I’ve got an appointment with my shrink on Wednesday morning at ten, and I wanted to know if you would come with me?”

  He had finally opened the door. Wide. Unprompted. His decision to do so.

  “Thank you for asking. And the answer is yes. Even without my news today, the answer would have been yes. But now, it’s a yes in capital letters.”

  He laughed, pushing her hair behind her ears. His face took on an earnest expression as he said, “Holly, I have not wanted to ask you to wait for me while I work through all this shit and get my life back on track.” Momentarily closing his eyes, he shook his head. “But you know what I really want?”

  “What?”

  “I want you to wait for me.”

  “Forever and a day.” She smiled. I will wait for you forever and a day.

  “And I have one more question to ask you.” He looked very serious.

  “Ask away.”

  Taking her face in his hands, his expression remaining inscrutable. There was a long pause before he spoke again. “Does your father have any guns?” he deadpanned.

  Thanksgiving… Again