To the Sea (Follow your Bliss)

by Deirdre Riordan Hall

  “Next weekend?”

  “Too long,” Jamie said. “How about you call me, and we’ll get together one night this week.” Kira wasn’t sure that would be possible with work, but since she did just finish the project, maybe she’d be back on a semi-normal schedule.

  “Just need your digits.”

  Kira grabbed her cell out of the SUV, hardly believing what was happening.

  “Promise not to forget. I’m leaving for South Africa in a couple weeks.”

  “Surfing?”

  “And safari.”

  “A surfari?”

  “You got it. There’s a retreat there, guests go surfing, I show them around, and we go on safari.”

  “Like a tour guide?”

  “Something like that. I go all over, Indo, the UK, and Australia of course. Always summer.” He kissed her, wetly, on the lips, before trotting back across the parking lot with the board.

  Chapter Fifteen

  When Kira got back to Lilac Court, she wanted nothing more than a nap with the hope that sleep would help her untangle her confusion and lust. However, the house itself and the memories it contained, coupled with Jeremy’s computer idly reminding her of his betrayal, prompted her back out to the store.

  Later, with a new computer, she sat at the table paralyzed by the stack of paperwork, bills, and a large sum of money, all thanks to Jeremy’s untimely demise. She stared, as if somewhere scrawled in the margin of a letter, or a notice, laid the answer. Kira called Nicole.

  “I have this issue. It seems Jeremy left me a lot of money. Well, not me directly of course. Our marriage was a sham, why would he have wanted to do that? It was probably for the potential children we’d had if Blain continued to up the ante,” Kira said sarcastically.

  “Not likely, he never struck me as the fatherly sort, but go on.”

  “It’s a lot of money.”

  “Life insurance?”

  “Yes,” Kira answered exhaling.

  “I get the importance,” Nicole said referring to her own situation.

  “But obviously there aren’t children. I don’t feel right about taking it.”

  “Are you sure that it’s yours? No hidden fine print or second wives?”

  “Ninety-nine percent. I have a few calls to make tomorrow. It was all part of the boys club, you know, him, his brothers, and all that. Nicole, I may not have come from much, but I do have expensive taste and it’s a lot of money. I don’t know what to do.”

  “Don’t spend it all in one place.”

  Kira laughed. “But really.”

  “There’s no sense in turning your nose up at it. Think of it as recompense for your troubles. Or interest accumulated for all the dinners he missed.”

  “It feels dirty though. He wasn’t honest with me. What if every time I write a check or buy a coffee I’m reminded of him?”

  “There are two answers to that.” Nicole paused.

  “And they are?” Kira asked waiting. The line was quiet.

  “The baby just kicked.”

  “Really?”

  “Really. Nate, come here, the baby just kicked,” Nicole called excitedly.

  The couple made happy noises, sharing the special moment. Kira grew lonely as their world broadened, punctuating her solitude.

  “I wish you were here. I wish you could feel this. It’s extraordinary. I hope you have a baby someday and her and July can play and grow up together just like we did.” Nicole’s words retrieved Kira’s attention and her senses. She abandoned her despairing thoughts, feeling foolish.

  “I wish I was too. That’s amazing. Tell me if it happens again,” Kira said warmly.

  “As I was saying, your choices are to accept the fact that Jeremy will always be a part of your life to some degree, at least in memory, or you could let him go.”

  “I wish it was easier,” Kira said forlornly. “College fund for July?” she suggested.

  “Her name is already down at Columbia, but we’ll take contributions,” Nicole said laughing.

  As her laughter tinkled over the distance between them, it reached Kira’s ears with the reminder of their emotional proximity. With it resounded Nicole’s advice to accept or let go. For the rest of the night those two ideas seesawed in Kira’s mind, one gaining upper ground then the other.

  At two a.m., still awake, she asked herself, which is it going to be? Accept or let go. She found herself answering that she was tired. Sleep. She consented. For the second night in a row, she slipped away, peacefully, into fluid dreams.

  Days one and two back to work were routine, but on day three Kira was jumpy with anticipation to meet Jamie for drinks after yoga. At two he texted her.

  What are you doing?

  She replied, Working. You?

  A few seconds later, her phone vibrated again.

  Thinking about you. Can we meet earlier?

  In the middle of multitasking and replying to a client on the office line, Kira quivered with excitement. Jamie’s texts became deliciously distracting. Another appeared, this one warm and buttery.

  The back room was pretty hot. Any chance we can do that again? Soon.

  Kira answered, I’m out of work at five and go directly to yoga.

  Within seconds, he wrote, Where? I love yoga. Kama Sutra. Yum.

  The buttery feeling gave way to a hot buttered popcorn explosion. Kira burst with anticipation recalling the feel of his fingers sliding across her skin, his breath on her neck, and his lips on hers. Then Jamie’s wet kiss by the Mercedes had her practically popping out of her chair.

  “Please hold,” Kira said into the mouthpiece of the office phone. She’d woken up thinking about Jamie every day since they last saw each other. She undid the top button of her Dolce and Gabbana blouse, fanning herself. She couldn’t wait any longer.

  She texted, Prana Yama Yama.

  Save me a spot, he replied in a matter of seconds.

  Then, the reality of him seeing her sweat made her palms uncomfortably moist. Envisioning her appearance at yoga with red cheeks and her hair slick with perspiration, made her think twice about the invitation. Then she brightened realizing, when a guy like Jamie got sweaty there was no doubt he’d look hot, so maybe it’d be worth it.

  The late afternoon hours ticked by punctuating the growing knot in Kira’s stomach. She wondered if Alice would be offended that she’d invited a guy to their class. Or worse, she feared what Alice would think of her since Jeremy had just died. Her thoughts raced. She picked up her phone to text Jamie back and cancel, but Alice appeared.

  “Hey, how’s it going?”

  “Oh me? I’m fine,” Kira answered, flustered.

  “I’m not going to be able to make it to class this evening. Date.” She beamed.

  Kira didn’t dare tell her she’d invited her very own date to crash their class.

  “You’ll be missed.”

  “Don’t ditch,” Nicole warned.

  Kira wouldn’t dream of it. “Absolutely.” Crisis averted. Her shoulders and stomach relaxed.

  Kira skipped out of the office ten minutes early figuring she’d earned it the week before since she’d all but moved into the place. She wanted to be at the studio and changed when Jamie arrived.

  Kira waited in the lounge area thinking his bronzed body would saunter through the door any second, but when Amber invited them into the class space, he still hadn’t arrived. After they did the opening Om chant, Jamie still hadn’t shown up. By the time Kira reclined in Savasana, she could hardly relax as her body twitched with restlessness and rejection. After she grabbed a smoothie, she turned her phone back on. A text waited.

  Sorry. Couldn’t make it. Come to my place. Please? 57 Dune Road.

  Again, Kira’s palms moistened. She wasn’t expecting this turn of events as she tried to figure out how to maneuver in the land of dating and her place in it. Her mind volleyed back and forth, as she considered going to Jamie’s or back to Lilac Court. She had work the next morning. Her house and his were
in opposite directions. If she went, did she go home first and freshen up? Would she return home before morning? Kira took a deep breath.

  Live.

  She turned toward the highway.

  Catching the scent of the sea air as she neared the beach, Kira instantly calmed down. However, as the GPS announced her arrival on Dune Road, she worked herself into a tizzy all over again.

  Kira pulled alongside a beach house crash pad. A Jeep and VW parked in the front sported a smattering of surf related bumper stickers. Surfboards leaned on the exterior wall of the house, and beach chairs, a grill, and other miscellaneous items were scattered around the yard.

  Laughter led Kira to a side door that was propped open. She wasn’t in Kansas anymore or in her reality, Newton, she thought bemused. As Kira hesitantly entered, the grouping of people in the kitchen and living room reminded her of her childhood, of her parents and their hippie friends. Only instead of activism, sit-ins, and music festivals these people talked about surf reports, exotic super waves, and custom boards. She felt out of place, like the mom returning to bring the babysitter home only to discover she’d thrown a party. Maybe so much time studying in high school and college prevented her from learning how to let loose. Kira wanted to disappear beneath her designer clothes and patent leather heels.

  “Kira, hey,” Jamie called. “Grab a beer.” On the floor just behind her, Kira spotted a cooler, and politely took a cold bottle of Corona.

  She picked her way over to the couch where Jamie lounged. He opened the bottle for her. The others in the room sat transfixed by a surfing video that played on a TV nestled into what was once the brick surround of a fireplace.

  Jamie pulled her onto his lap, immediately giving her a big kiss. He tasted like beer and salt. Afraid they were making a scene, Kira snuck a peek around the room, but no one paid them any attention—the guy on the orange board riding through a tube on the video was far more captivating.

  “Sorry I couldn’t make it to yoga. Good class?”

  “Yeah, great.”

  “So how about you and I—” He raised one eyebrow in the direction of a room with a colorful Mexican blanket pinned over the door.

  Kira took a sip of her beer as they entered. Jamie grabbed a blanket from the corner and beckoned Kira outside.

  She kicked off her heels before following him along a path between sea grasses rustling in the light breeze. They walked a ways down the beach before Jamie stopped and spread the blanket. He pulled a couple more beers out of the pocket of his shorts and took off the sunglasses that were always perched atop his head.

  “I’ve been thinking about you all day. All week. I was hoping yoga would be foreplay. But we’ll have to make up for it now,” he said taking off his shirt to reveal his taut muscles in the half-moon light.

  Kira took another big sip of beer at the sight of his bronzed body. With one hand, he pulled her closer, took a last sip of his beer, and then placed his lips on hers. He nibbled on her neck, and then kissed her chest as he unbuttoned her shirt. Heat zipped from Kira’s head to her toes.

  They kissed, their bodies pressing together, until he pulled her down onto the blanket. His muscles rippled against her skin. Kneeling in front of her he said, “Why don’t we get rid of these?” Kira’s stockings came off. Next thing she knew her legs were around his shoulders. He ran his hands down her thighs and then dove in. As moans escaped her, she couldn’t recall pleasure with such fiery passion. Ever. Her body shivered with desire. Ecstatic stars danced behind her closed eyes.

  Next, she tugged at his shorts, grappling with the belt. As the waves rolled in and out, he pressed inside her. Kira’s fingers gripped the broad width of Jamie’s back. They kissed, pawed, and groped like heated animals rolling from the blanket to the sand and back again. The pleasure penetrated deeply inside, spreading from her warm center, through her arms and legs. The breeze dried her glistening brow as lips and hips moved in and out.

  As they lay there afterward, the moon dancing off the water, Jamie sprawled out on the blanket. Kira lay along his length, his hoodie draped over them. Their warm skin touched in some places and hinted at doing so in others.

  “You were my first surfer.”

  Jamie laughed.

  “And what’d you say you do, you’re in advertising?”

  “That’s me.”

  “Suits and ties?”

  “Skirts and heels, but yeah.”

  “How about next time just the heels.” She heard the flirtatious tension of longing in his voice. “That was awesome.”

  Kira slowly got up and looked for her clothes, shaking off the sand, unsure of booty call protocol.

  “Don’t go so soon. I’m usually ready again after a little while,” he said leaning on his elbows.

  “I work early in the morning,” Kira said.

  “Surfers aren’t a bunch of lay-abouts. I get up early. Earlier than you I’d say,” he said jokingly.

  “Oh, I doubt that,” Kira said raising her eyebrows, thinking of the predawn hours as her recent companion.

  Getting to his feet, Jamie drew Kira in for one more kiss, unbothered by his nakedness. He pressed up against her, reminding her of his potency.

  “Are you sure I can’t convince you to stay,” he said brushing her hair from her face with his thumbs. It was tempting as his fingers slid down her sides and then firmly squeezed her hips. His breath tickled her neck.

  “This weekend? Surf lessons?” she said.

  “Then sex?” he asked.

  She whacked him playfully with her bag.

  “I’ll put you on the schedule.”

  “Can’t wait,” Kira said over her shoulder as she skipped across the sand.

  Chapter Sixteen

  The wind blew through Kira’s tangled hair as she drove past the beach to the highway. Exhilarated and exhausted at the same time, she reeled in her newfound freedom.

  When she exited, she found herself blinking to keep awake, but not from physical fatigue. Processing what she’d done with Jamie, what she hadn’t done with Jeremy, drained her. These dark thoughts accompanied her restless quest for sleep.

  The following day at work, replaying the scene on the beach under the moonlight electrified her. In the light of day, the late-night rendezvous with the surfer stud carried a much brighter hue than the doleful doubts that accompanied her back to Lilac Court.

  By dinnertime she hungered for Jamie. Just one more day she told herself. With thoughts of surfing again and Ian, another kind of excitement joined the first. Getting in the water with him cleansed her. It brought renewal and her courage to try something new uplifted her spirit. For the first time in a long time, she had someone and something to look forward to.

  By Friday, Kira had answers about the finances. Minus taxes, all the money belonged to her. She wanted to jump for joy. She wanted to curse at Jeremy. But it was more complicated than a simple transfer into her account.

  Thousands of dollars and yet, she didn’t feel good about it. With access to the checking and savings, she fantasized about a shopping spree or fleeing the country and leaving all her troubles behind. She considered stashing it in a treasure chest, and burying it in the sand for a hapless sailor to discover, map and all. She deliberated climbing to the roof of the office building and letting cash flutter to the city streets like in a movie. She wasn’t sure what to do. Her mind, already overflowing about two sides of several subjects, didn’t have room for more. There was Jamie and Ian. There was sex and surfing. It was Jeremy’s money and it kept her tied to him. As if she was still a puppet on a string. Kira tucked the thoughts of money away. She let the others, namely Jamie and surfing, fill her.

  When Kira returned to Lilac Court that night, a letter from her sister waited in the stack of mail. It read,

  Dear Summer,

  Are you still alive? I’m sorry about the cocksucker. Really I am. We can talk about the merits of playing for the other team if you’re tired of men. I hope you’re finding ways to deal, a
side from redecorating or reorganizing something. Let loose. Live a little. Lord knows we are. I’m livin’ the life—chasing after four kids with the fifth on the way. I’m cruising in a Mercedes, have a custom-built house in the suburbs, loads of money in the bank from my high paying job… You’d think I had it all. Oh, wait. That’s you.

  But seriously, despite the fact that Acacia and I share a rusty Subaru, live in a two bedroom fixer-upper that we can spit from one end to the other in, with almost seven of us, and there isn’t much more than a couple dusty pennies in the bank, there’s love in our hearts and food in our bellies, so life isn’t so bad. That’s enough for me.

  So give me a call, text, or whatever and let me know you’re still breathing. I know I remind you of mom and dad and all that shit, but I’m your sister and there’s a piece of you in my heart too.

  Look after yourself and keep happy. Love, Winter

  She also included the usual update on her passel of children and firsts: steps, teeth, school, and so on. Kira knew Winter embellished a little because they were quite comfortable in Greenwich, Connecticut. They didn’t live in a mansion like their neighbors, but she made it sound far worse than the reality of their cute Victorian. And for all the crap Winter gave her about her finely tuned home organization skills she had the same ones, or at least similar enough to be considered by some, in the realm of obsessive compulsive. Kira also knew when her sister was being sincere, even if in her own way, and she appreciated the sentiment about being part of Winter’s family.

  ***

  On Saturday morning, Kira jetted to the beach before first light hoping to join Ian on the wall. He sat there, his strong shoulders squared to the sea. She slid into the spot beside him, her pulse quickening.

  “Morning,” he said brightly.

  “I thought I’d find you here,” Kira answered, surprising herself with the words.

  “Glad you did. Eager to get in the water?”

  Kira nodded. Ian went on to point out little nuances about the wind, the waves, and the marine environment. Before Kira knew it, they waded back in the water. The sun lit up Kira’s face. She got up on her board, though a bit wobbly.