To the Sea (Follow your Bliss)

by Deirdre Riordan Hall

  It took her breath away. His kiss was primal, wild like the ocean on that first morning she visited the beach. He pulled her to his chest. Kira wasn’t sure if she still breathed, with the intensity of being so close. She wrapped her arms around him, letting the warmth of his skin penetrate her. He pawed her chest with one hand. Then he pulled off his sweatshirt and they pressed skin to skin. Kira couldn’t believe what was happening, but the sensations in her body blocked out all other thought.

  A vibration on Kira’s hip jolted her back to reality. It was Jamie’s cell phone in his pocket. They both tried to ignore it, but the moment passed, and they slowly pulled out of each other’s arms. Kira scrambled around for her top.

  “Will you be taking another lesson?” he asked.

  “I think so.” Kira panicked, fearing he gave lessons too. She felt so comfortable in the water with Ian and wanted him to be her instructor, especially now. She didn’t want Jamie to see her floundering on the board and especially not crying. Out there, that morning, wasn’t her most attractive moment.

  “I can pencil you in whenever you want. Ian’s available on the weekends.” His words brought relief and courage.

  “Is tomorrow too soon?”

  “Not soon enough. I’d offer to bring you out myself, but I have to mind the shop. In fact, I better get back to the front.”

  Once dressed, Kira walked out behind him, feeling both elated and sheepish, though there weren’t any witnesses to see her still rosy cheeks. She smoothed her hair and straightened her fleece.

  “About that board,” he said.

  “I’ll bring it in tomorrow,” Kira said, suddenly needing fresh air. She had to process what just happened. She’d never done anything like that. Ever. The fire between them burned so intensely. She couldn’t piece together what had come over her.

  “Looking forward to checking it out,” he said as flirtatious as ever.

  Kira felt a twinge below her belly. “See you then.”

  As Kira made her way to the parking lot, Ian walked along the beach with the longboard beneath his arm. Vanessa trotted beside him like an eager puppy. She wanted him to notice her, yet was afraid he might read the kiss, still fresh on her lips, that she just shared with Jamie. She felt one thing around him and something else with Ian. Her orderly life kept getting more confusing. Less than six hours ago, she lay in her bed weeping, lamenting loss, and shaking with anger. Now she found herself on the other end of the spectrum, filled with desire and longing.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Kira drove along the coast with the window down, letting the smell of the sea air buffet her senses.

  Arriving back at Lilac Court, she still rode the energy of her surfing experience. After lunch, she cleared the kitchen table, setting out the stack of bills, papers, and other mail she’d uncharacteristically put off. In the last week, she’d done the bare minimum around the house, devoting all her energy to completing the Foster-Davis project.

  Kira sorted letters in two piles, ones addressed to her, and ones to Jeremy. She started with her own since they were probably the most urgent. She frantically tore open a letter from the clinic she went to with Nicole. Cursing Jeremy, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath before unfolding the sheet of paper. All the checks were in the negative column. She let her head hang back, release her breath, and then slumped in her chair as the reason for the testing burned into her mind.

  Kira recycled all the junk mail, leafed through cards of condolence, a letter from the auto insurance company, inquiries to their property, and solicitations for legal representation for wrongful injury. She snorted.

  “If you can mend broken hearts then I’m all ears.”

  Kira straightened out her neglected checking account, thankful that she’d kept her own. When they married, she and Jeremy kept all their finances separate, but he had certain bills directly withdrawn from his account and she had some from hers. Jeremy had savings too, but she hadn’t dealt with that, his 401K, or any of his business, yet. She assumed it all waited for her attention, the stack of rectangular, white envelopes sitting discouragingly with his name printed in the center.

  When Kira logged into her bank account, it showed the bottom line getting dangerously low; she’d taken unpaid time, and all that shopping she and Nicole had done put a dent in the total. In addition, she still paid off the hefty student loans not covered by her scholarship and a credit card she’d used for the wedding. Jeremy had been flush because his parents paid for Harvard and everything else he wanted.

  She grumbled each time she tore open an envelope addressed to Jeremy. “If he loved Courtney so much, she should be doing this,” Kira said ruefully after getting a paper cut.

  She browsed a bank statement, confirming the auto-payments for some of the household bills. When she got to the end, the total available funds indicated Jeremy had over fifty-thousand dollars saved. The investment statements confirmed it was actually his money, not some scam he pulled, which wouldn’t have surprised her at that point.

  Jeremy obviously believed he was invincible, but when they’d married, she’d had the forethought to set up a prenuptial agreement. Without having to do any research, Kira knew all those zeroes with the five sitting prominently at the front belonged to her. However, what debt he’d accrued, she couldn’t be sure of either. On top of what she’d recently learned about her former husband, who knew what other kinds of messes he’d left. He could’ve had a double life with a wife and kids in middle-America, and a thriving door-to-door vacuum cleaner sales business. She sighed, her chest aching.

  “Money can’t fix my broken heart,” she whispered. Then Ian’s sparkling eyes and kissing Jamie glided into her vision. She shook the distractions out of her head. Twilight settled when Kira opened the last envelope, her back aching from paddling and hunching over the computer. There wasn’t a name or title above the return address so she’d figured it was just junk mail, but tore it open anyway. The letter inside revealed Jeremy’s life insurance policy would be issuing her a check. The numbers teased her. $500,000. Kira fell out of her chair.

  “Jeremy you bastard,” she said lying on the West Elm rug beneath the table and looking at the ceiling. Part of her felt wild with relief, but a greater part couldn’t accept the money. They’d married; however, Kira didn’t have reason to believe he provided for her out of the goodness and love in his heart. She considered calling Nicole, but didn’t want to bother her so late.

  She knew he didn’t have life insurance in case they had kids, she couldn’t imagine he’d take the bet that far. Would they? But if they did, he’d want Jeremy Junior looked after and sent to Harvard, all expenses paid, just like the rest of the men in his family. The Annandales observed an upper class canon that Kira only half understood. There were investments, charitable donations, and accounts for a variety of interests. They casually dropped contribution and account totals at family gatherings in respectable financial competition. Jeremy had just gotten started, but perhaps life insurance, a tally of his worth, was part of the prestige in his world.

  Kira took her seat at the table, unsure what to do. She worried about hang-ups, debts, or even a love child he may have left her to sort out. The sum of all the accounts plus the life insurance was very different from surviving on tofu and kale back at the commune.

  Kira’s eyes grew heavy. She completed the paperwork then retired upstairs, scrolls of black numbers set against a white background flashing before her eyes. She splashed water on her face, hoping to wash it all away. When that didn’t work, she tumbled into bed. The last thing she remembered was looking deeply into the memory of Ian’s eyes set against the lapping waves.

  Kira dreamt of her body intertwined with Jamie’s as they rolled and romped in the sand, his lips touching hers, chest to chest, their hips pressing into each other, but then he morphed into Jeremy, with cold hands and bony fingers. She woke in a sweat at five a.m.

  Brushing the dream off, Kira quickly got ready, donning the beach bab
e bikini. She remembered to grab underwear, tossing the cotton ones back into her drawer and riffling toward the back for a lacy pair.

  Filled with anticipation as she drove to the shore, she couldn’t suss out that which was greater, seeing Ian and surfing or Jamie and feeling his body ravenous for hers. She tried to think back to when she last felt that way. An empty bed appeared in her mind.

  Kira remembered being excited about Jeremy when they’d first met. Her sorority sisters egged her on, but her own insecurities and inexperience at having never been with someone before him overshadowed all her other feelings.

  The surf, Ian, and Jamie were hers, completely her own. She shoved thoughts of Jeremy from her mind when she pulled into the lot long before she was due at the lesson. Just the gull sat on the wall. Like the thin clouds overhead, she deflated.

  Kira got out and watched the swell. The sky slowly cleared from the early morning fog. Through the mist, someone caught a wave and rode it smoothly in. Looking as far out to sea as she could, she started to discern them coming in sets when Ian appeared in front of her, board in hand, wet from top to bottom.

  “Good Morning,” he said brightly, his patent smile bringing one to her lips.

  “Hello.”

  If ever someone could look good in yards of neoprene, an award belonged to him. Kira could make out his muscles beneath the material. The way he moved was at once graceful and strong.

  “How was it out there?” she asked.

  “Wicked.” He took his seat next to Kira, closer this time. They discussed the sets Kira had observed and he said it was a lucky day when you caught site of those.

  “What’d you think of yesterday?” he asked, rubbing water and sand from his hair.

  Scene one with him, scene two with Jamie, or scene three when she learned about the money Jeremy had and her ever-growing anxiety about it. She opted for the obvious.

  “Best time in recent memory to tell you the truth.”

  “Only the truth, always,” he said.

  Kira smiled at that for her own, deeper reasons. His offer of the truth, even during simple conversation, was a priceless gift after the web of lies she’d recently unraveled.

  “I hope today will be just as good.”

  “I think so. It’s a little punchy right now, but the tide’s changing, should be good swell for getting on your feet.” They chatted easily in each other’s company and then headed over to the Boardroom to get ready.

  Kira felt her cheeks redden when she spotted Jamie, but he was busy with a customer. Ian followed her into the back room where she slid on the wetsuit. Ian riffled through boxes again.

  “Ah ha! I’ve been looking for these for ages,” he said holding three waxy pucks in his hands. He started juggling them, nearly falling over more boxes.

  Kira giggled.

  “Board wax. Andy special ordered some for me, but I couldn’t find it in this disaster. This is the best kind,” he said, tossing one deftly at Kira. She caught it. It smelled creamy like coconut.

  Once suited up and with board in hand, Kira and Ian made the trek across the beach. He quizzed her on what to do if she fell off and went over safety measures. Like a good student, she put her hands over her head demonstrating what he’d instructed. He set the board down and had her work on her popup on dry land, which was nearly as humiliating as the day before. Once she’d done it three consecutive times, they dipped into the waves.

  Kira got onto the board with far more ease this time. Her body remembered what to do. She found her midline and the freshly waxed board helped her stabilize. Once on her belly, Ian had her practice paddling again.

  “You know what’s next? Right?” he asked with a twinkle in his eyes. “Come on surfer girl. We’re going to get you up on a wave,” he said whooping and grabbing her hand to lead her a little farther out. He lined the board up perpendicular to the shoreline and held onto the tail. Kira paddled while holding it stationary.

  “You’ll feel me push and release you. Keep paddling, when you hear me holler popup, go for it.”

  He made it sound so easy, but she wasn’t sure she wanted him to let go. She felt secure in his hands.

  “What do you say, are you ready? We’ll only do it if you’re ready.”

  Kira took a deep breath. With it, she sensed where the water and air met at an invisible spot. The saltiness filled her nose. The gulls called above. She felt Ian’s warmth and encouragement just an arm’s reach away.

  “I’m ready,” Kira said confidently.

  Ian watched for a wave over his shoulder. “Okay, paddle.”

  After a handful of strokes, he released the board, and with a rush, she moved forward.

  Then he shouted, “Popup.”

  Slowly, as if the wave waited for her to find her footing, she got up and rode it. The sea air flowed through her.

  Then she was down. Splash. Ian rushed to her side in seconds. He extended his hands for hers, pulling her to her feet. They intertwined their fingers and squeezed in triumph. Kira jumped up and down giddily.

  “You had it. You did it. That was awesome.” Then he grabbed the nearly nine-foot missile before it hit either of them as the incoming white water battered it. “Again?”

  “Again.”

  Ian set Kira up, she paddled, he pushed, and then she popped up. Then another time and another. She fell off about an equal number of times to actually getting to her feet. She sat on the board waiting for the next set with Ian standing in the water beside her.

  “That was—” But the words that came to mind didn’t do it justice: exhilarating, beautiful, powerful, alive. The smothering sadness she met every night was absent.

  “I know,” Ian said without her having to finish.

  While he gave Kira some pointers, a sharp whistle interrupted them. Vanessa, wearing a wetsuit pulled down to her waist, stood on the shore with one hand on her hip, the other waving them in.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me,” Ian muttered. Kira noticed his annoyed expression. He checked his watch. “I guess that’s my next lesson. Sorry, I was having fun.”

  “Me too,” she assured him. “It’s work though, right?” Kira said glumly thinking that she too had to return to her job the following day.

  “You did great.”

  He gave her a smile she didn’t know what to make of. It was at once friendly and tender. He wore a tremulousness on his lips that told her he wanted to ask something, but was too shy.

  “I’ll be back,” Kira quickly said before Vanessa edged between them.

  ***

  Butterflies danced in Kira’s stomach when she entered the Boardroom just as Jamie got off the phone.

  “Good morning, beautiful,” he said taking a big sip of coffee. “Missed you earlier. Late night last night. Big party at Tug’s. Lee here had to open the shop,” he said pointing to a guy with spikey black hair fixing a nearby display.

  “So how was it out there today?”

  “Great. I got up.”

  “Nothing like that first time, ‘eh?” Jamie said looking at her with a juicy smile.

  “Let’s get your suit off.”

  Like the day before, they peeled Kira out of the extremely tight fitting wetsuit. Then he followed her to the back room, no pretense of dropping in on her half-dressed. She smiled, privately, at what it felt like to be desired.

  In the dim light, Jamie’s tan and chiseled muscles rippled as he picked her up and wrapped her legs around him, setting her on top of a stack of boxes, the heat building between their skin. They kissed hungrily, tongues, lips, and hands exploring each other. It was like nothing Kira ever experienced. She yearned for more. All too soon, approaching footsteps interrupted them.

  “So about that board,” Jamie said as Lee entered looking for some stock, as if they’d just been back there chatting.

  “Oh, yeah, it’s on top of my car out in the beach lot, want to have a look?” Kira said breathlessly.

  Jamie winked at her. She contained an unexpected bur
st of laughter, feeling like a teenager caught doing something naughty. She mused at the possibility that she had a chance to make up for the carefree days she lost to studying back in high school. It was as if she was getting away with something, but the bonus was, there weren’t consequences. Not really.

  “Anything to get a few more minutes with you,” Jaime said quietly.

  Kira took a deep breath; he was still so close.

  When they walked through the parking lot, Ian and Vanessa, finished with their lesson, headed through the sand toward the Boardroom.

  From across the beach, Vanessa called in a singsong voice, “Hey, Jamie.” Part of Kira hoped Ian didn’t notice her walking with him; it wasn’t exactly innocent. She still hadn’t figured out how to navigate this new domain of men.

  “She’s mad for anyone with a surfboard,” Jamie said. “Looks like she’s got ahold of Ian,” he chuckled. “And I’ve got you, I hope,” Jamie said grabbing Kira around the waist as they rounded, out of sight, to the other side of the Mercedes. Jamie pressed Kira up against the back passenger door. They exchanged a quick kiss, filled with desire. Her back pressed into the cool metal frame and his body into hers. There was so little between them, just fabric, making Kira flush with longing for him. A minivan parked a few spaces down, and they separated.

  “So this is the board, huh?” Jamie said pulling it down off the roof where Ian had fastened it securely. “Great shape, never used.” He turned it over in his hands a few times.

  Kira looked away.

  “We’ll take it. What do you want for it?”

  The value of surfboards flew far out of her frame of reference.

  “I have no idea—wait—how about you give it to one of those kids who came in yesterday, the ones you said reminded you of yourself when you were younger. And I’ll buy the other kid one.” Jamie looked at her sideways.

  “What kind of Mercedes-driving good Samaritan are you?”

  “A very satisfied one,” she said with an attempt at a sultry smile, surprising herself with the flirtatious response.

  “When will you be back for a lesson?” Jamie asked.