To the Sea (Follow your Bliss)

by Deirdre Riordan Hall

  “I thought you were the one who grew up on the commune? My mom’s a dentist and my dad builds boats.” Their banter and laughter carried them all the way to the cottage.

  “Ian, what I like about you, aside from your handsome good looks, your way with a surf board, your culinary abilities, the tidy home, and your sense of humor, is your honesty.” They stood on the back deck where their wetsuits dried on the railing. Clusters of stars winked at them in the sky.

  “Well, in that case, I’m going to be very honest, can I take off your clothes?”

  “I thought you’d never ask.”

  Kira sat down on a wooden lounge chair with a big soft cushion, and Ian knelt in front of her slowly kissing her. He ran his fingers down her bare back, sending delightful shivers across her skin. She found his lips and melted into him.

  Kira unbuttoned his shorts and slid her hands along his thighs. He laid her down along the length of the chair, and she pushed her shorts off. The fresh air and Ian’s fingers ignited her body. They pressed up against one another, slowly and rhythmically, like the breath of the sea and the beat of a heart, coming together. It was sensual and true. Their afternoon kindled a fiery passion between them along with a connection deeper than Kira had ever known.

  Afterward, they lay together until they’d cooled off in the night air. Kira noticed a tattoo of an anchor emblazoned in ink upon Ian’s leg. He was like the anchor, solid, rooted, and purposeful. She took this symbol to represent qualities she wanted to cultivate in herself. Kira envisioned foundation and freedom, an anchor and wings. Looking back over the last few months, she saw both were possible.

  Kira slept soundly that night. They made love once more in the morning, just before dawn, the stars still hanging in the clear sky.

  After they each caught a few waves right outside Ian’s cottage, he drove her to Lilac Court. Kira expected him to drop her off, but instead he followed her inside. When she started to cry, he took her hand and led her up to the bathroom so she could get ready for work. He leaned against the counter.

  “Listen, I know you’re strong. You’re coming through this, you’ve come far, but I want you to know that I’m not going to take off and leave you here to get through this last difficult part alone. You have to take the steps to complete your healing, but I’m here for you, to hold your hand, catch you if you fall, or step back and let you handle things on your own. Whatever it is you need me to do, I’ll do it.”

  Kira pulled his face toward hers and kissed him hard on the lips as if to demonstrate how tough this was, but also how much his words and presence meant to her.

  When dressed and nearly ready, her teary eyes gave way to laughter. “No man has ever been in the bathroom with me while I do my routine,” she said, adding a flush of gloss to her lips. “You know my secrets.”

  “I hope to know all of them,” he said with a wink.

  “Do you have any?”

  “None that are very interesting, I’m afraid.” He thought for a moment. “I ate a crayon in kindergarten.”

  Kira raised her eyebrows.

  “All the other kids were eating play dough, and I thought I’d be different or something. It was gross. I spit it out. But then the teacher saw, and I had to clean it up.” They both laughed.

  Kira finished up, grabbed her laptop, and they quickly exited the house.

  “Tonight?”

  “Sure thing.

  “Maybe you can just bring some things to my house so you can skip the morning trauma.”

  “Good idea. Oh, wait. Yoga.”

  “Yoga? Ian asked.

  “I usually take a yoga class after work with a colleague. Dinner at seven? If you meet me in the city, I know a great Thai place.”

  “Thai, then clothes, then beach house. It’s a plan.”

  They kissed in the driveway and reluctantly parted.

  Kira called the real estate agency, realizing that a portion of her difficulty with parting with the house came down to a security. Growing up without a proper home, just a room shared with her family in a house with a bunch of strangers and no sense of rootedness, Kira believed the house on Lilac Court stood for finally getting a home of her own. Since, she’d learned love made a home complete. Although the custom colonial never knew that, letting go of the symbol of home was terrifying, but the nights there were worse. She hoped it sold quickly.

  Over a lunch of grilled portobello burgers with roasted red peppers and garlic aioli, Alice commented, “You seem chipper today.”

  Kira filled her in about Ian. She’d never mentioned Jamie because of Frank’s warning about the work and home separation policy, and of course, it was so soon after Jeremy’s death. Though maybe she didn’t say anything because her heart knew it was all lust. With Ian, there was no separation, and she said as much. He was already a part of her life and a part of her.

  “I put my house up for sale.”

  “Really? That was your dream home.”

  “Yes, past tense, when I thought my husband and I had a future there. Now it feels—”

  “Haunted?”

  “Exactly.”

  “Ghosts?”

  “Of the past.”

  The waiter brought more water and the conversation shifted.

  “Did you hear about the merger?” Alice asked.

  “Uh oh, usually that means layoffs.”

  “Not this time. Henniker’s progressive,” she said as if on a TV expose. “Part of the deal is no layoffs. Instead, they want to send one senior partner and one junior from each company to the other. It’s a trade, to act as ambassadors during the transition. In that way, we will get to know each other’s policies and hopefully, make everything smoother. Maybe then they’ll cut the fat, we’ll see.”

  “Where’s the other firm?” Kira said.

  “Just about as far away from here as you can get and still be in the continental US. Maybe it would be a good opportunity for you to start over—San Francisco.”

  “You’re joking. Ian winters in Sausalito, just over the bridge from San Fran.” Kira had to admit she’d wondered, okay feared, what would happen when he left for the season.

  “I was joking about the ghosts, but no, this is happening. You should’ve gotten the memo.”

  Quickly finishing her lunch, Kira rushed upstairs to her office and clicked through her emails. She printed out the application, her resume, and sprinted to Frank’s office.

  “Looks like your color’s returning,” he said with his practiced smile.

  Nearly out of breath, she handed him the papers.

  “Ah, thinking about the west coast, huh? You’re not the only one. I already got a few apps in this morning.” He thumped his two forefingers on the short stack sitting on his desk. “Looks like no one wants the summer to end.”

  He had no idea.

  ***

  Kira and Ian met outside the Thai restaurant. She’d only ever seen him in baggies, t-shirts, sweatshirts, and of course, his wetsuit. He’d cleaned up nicely in a pair of dark jeans and a short-sleeved button down shirt. He still looked like a surfer, but a stylish one from a magazine spread. With his height, build, and good looks he was male model material; practically drooling. Kira knew she was hopelessly smitten.

  As they took their seats at a small table by the window in the ambient restaurant, a big smile spread across Ian’s face. “This is real.” He gave her hand a squeeze and his eyes twinkled in the low light. It was and she’d never been happier.

  They ordered satay, pad Thai, curry, and an assortment of sides. Kira burst with the desire to tell him about the possibility of the job transfer to San Francisco. Then she suddenly worried that maybe things were moving too fast, or that she might scare him off. She stopped herself, opting to wait until she knew a little more, maybe until after her preliminary interview.

  Back at Lilac Court, they stood outside in the humid night air, delaying the inevitable entry.

  “I’m just going to grab some things. I’ll be quick. I can do
this,” Kira said aloud by way of encouragement.

  “You can,” Ian said confidently. Kira dashed into the house, but upon entering her bedroom, she crumbled. Ian held her in his arms until the crying subsided.

  “I can’t see. I lost a contact,” she wailed. Ian fetched her glasses from her purse.

  “You’re even pretty when you cry. What do you need? Let’s get it and get out of here before I start bawling too.”

  Kira smiled between sobs. With her clothing, cosmetics, toiletries, and an extra bathing suit packed, they left in separate cars, Kira insisting she could bring herself to and from work so long as she bypassed Lilac Court.

  As she backed out of the driveway, she felt like she was making a dramatic exit in the night, the kind on reality TV. What she would have told the lead character to do in the scenario Nicole had imagined all those months ago, but that was before she was brave, and before she knew who she was. Kira couldn’t fight the torment. The only solution was to leave and then perhaps the healing would be complete. She knew there were some things you fight and others you walk away from, and this was just one of those instances.

  Entering Ian’s cottage was a completely different visceral experience. The salt air mixed with surf wax and a woody scent filled her lungs like a bellows, allowing her to breathe without crying. It was late and Kira and Ian fell into bed. As they snuggled under the sheet, she knew she’d found her way home.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  The week passed in a wake, surf, work, anticipate a sunny future, eat, and make love, pattern, relieving Kira of the old configuration involving near-constant tears. Like Frank had said, no one wanted the summer to end. Little by little, layers of her former-self peeled away to reveal someone shiny and new. She found herself having fun, laughing easily, and not worrying about getting every little thing perfect. At the end of the week, Kira also received notice that the application pool for the transfer had closed, and the candidates would receive notification about interviews on Monday.

  The following afternoon, Kira wandered into Ian’s study. On the wall, she gazed at a photo of him holding a Golden State surfboard.

  “That was my first,” he said.

  Framed next to this was a photograph of a houseboat with the same wood shingle siding common to the exterior of New England cottages, in fact, it looked a lot like a real house only its foundation was fluid, floating in glassy water. The trim was white and bursts of red potted geraniums dotted the deck. Kira wrapped her arms around Ian’s shoulders as he finished editing a document.

  He pressed save. “There, my work is done.” He swiveled in his chair and pulled Kira close. “Something on your mind?”

  “Is this where you live in the winter?” she asked pointing at the framed photo.

  “Yep. My grandfather built it, there were only a handful of houses docked there at the time, but now there are quite a few neighbors.”

  “When exactly do you go?” she asked curiously, trying to conceal her growing uncertainty about what was to become of their relationship.

  “Whenever I want. Whenever I get cold or bored, or the surf there is better than here.” He paused and took Kira’s hands in his. “We’ll get it figured out.” He paused fully taking in Kira’s expression. “I guess we have to talk about this sometime.”

  “I don’t want to be presumptive,” Kira said shyly. “But I guess I want to know how we, or I, figure into your plans?”

  “You, we, are my plans. I’ve been thinking a lot about this too and there’s nowhere I’d rather be than with you, babe. I’ve been single for a while and being bicoastal was what worked really well. But it isn’t the only option.” Ian ran his fingers through her hair. “One idea I had was maybe you could work from home for a couple weeks at a time and then we can fly back. Check in at the office, spend a few weeks here, and then hit the Pacific again,” he said with a surfer’s gleam in his eye.

  Kira wasn’t sure if this was the right time to tell him about the potential transfer. She didn’t know if she’d move ahead after the first round of interviews, and she didn’t want to get his, or her own, hopes up. However, she’d promised to base her life and the relationship on pure honesty. She cleared her throat.

  “A job opportunity came up in San Francisco. My company merged with another, and there’s a transfer opportunity. I applied.”

  Ian lit up.

  “Really? That’s super! I’ve been thinking about just staying, but this is great. The boat is my grandfather’s legacy, something I’d love for you to see, and I know you don’t have any more vacation time, but maybe it’ll all work out,” Ian said with excitement.

  “There are a lot of other applicants. A lot of ifs.”

  “Maybe it’s just meant to be. I mean, what are the chances of all the places in the world and the new job is right on my doorstep.” With the conversation broached, Ian went on to tell Kira about Sausalito and the boat, softening her concerns.

  ***

  Back to work on Monday, Kira learned, along with five other candidates that she was to move forward in the transfer application process. The realtor called on Tuesday to say she had several showings already scheduled. Relieved, Kira hoped she never had to step foot in the house on Lilac Court again. Her life improved dramatically without hours spent crying.

  A couple days later, Kira woke up jittery because the preliminary interview, that day, would determine her and Ian’s future.

  It drizzled, but Ian suggested they still surf. “Rain or shine, babe. Well, not downpour, but you’re wet already once you’re in, so who cares if water is falling out of the sky too. Come on, it’ll settle your nerves.”

  In the early dawn light, they made their way out into the waves. They were bigger and wilder than usual on that stretch of coast, which wasn’t making Kira any more relaxed. She preferred days when she could see clear out to the horizon. The water resembled slate and the whitewater churned fiercely.

  Kira caught the first wave that rose and then peeled nicely, gliding along the surface. Instantly her shoulders relaxed a notch, her neck unkinked, and the knot in her stomach dissipated.

  As she paddled back out to the launch spot, she watched Ian sail along the face of a wave, cut back, and do a couple tricks on his short board. She could only imagine him when the waves were really going off out west. He was completely at home in the water.

  She sat up on her board to watch over her shoulder for the next set. The water roared, and the wind howled—the ocean was not in a good mood. Kira angled into position. Ian was in the distance beginning his paddle back. When she looked over her shoulder, the wave was on top of her, thrusting her under.

  The leash tugged on Kira’s leg, connected to the board somewhere on the surface, but the water pounded overhead, and she couldn’t make it up. As she continued to hold her breath, her chest felt like exploding. She risked opening her eyes hoping to figure out which way was up, but lost her contacts. Kira arched backward and grabbed the leash wrapped around her ankle. Hand over fist, she followed it to the board, bursting to the surface and gasping for breath, but another wave crashed down and held her under.

  Kira was in the impact zone, a dangerous place where the breaking waves acted like a washing machine and just rolled one into the next with little break in between. Just when she was sure she couldn’t hold her breath any longer, strong hands pulled her upward. Ian held her fast as he fought his way into the shallows, and they both crawled onto the sand. Kira sputtered. Water streamed out of her nose. She pulled seaweed out of her hair, but more than anything she was awash with gratitude that they were both safe.

  “Are you okay?” Ian asked hoarsely.

  “Yeah, I think so,” Kira said assessing to make sure she still had all her limbs and there weren’t any cuts in her wet suit.

  “You?” she asked.

  Ian nodded.

  “Thanks for rescuing me.” Kira recalled their first times out on the water together.

  He lay on his back taking a deep br
eath, and then propped himself up on his elbows.

  “Always,” he said meaningfully and leaned over to give Kira a kiss, brushing a strand of seaweed off her shoulder. “It got heavy out there pretty quick. That’s the ocean though. She gave you a good ride and then took the wind out of you. Like life, sometimes you’re up and sometimes you’re down. I’m sorry. Next time we’ll spend more time reading the waves before we go out.”

  “Crap, work,” Kira said tripping over her leash as she tried to stand up. Hefting their boards, they hustled back up to the cottage having drifted a ways down the beach. Very quickly, Kira cleaned up, dressed, and rushed to the door.

  “Good luck,” Ian said kissing her as she dashed to her car.

  Once at work, still shaken up from the near drowning experience, combined with the nerves about the interview, Alice noticed Kira was off kilter.

  “Stressed?”

  “To say the least.”

  “I put in a good word with Frank. If he had any reservations about your commitment, you know, based on your absence a while back, he doesn’t now. He’ll vouch for you, I’m sure of it.”

  “Thanks Nicole, you have no idea how much this means to me.”

  “Any word on the house?”

  “No. Fingers crossed for two pieces of good news this week. Good bye Lilac Court, hello San Francisco.”

  The interview went smoothly, whatever Nicole said to Frank worked in Kira’s favor. He aimed his questions at the strengths she had and no one brought up the stretch of time off.

  By the end of the following week, Kira still had no word from the realtor, but she received notice she was moving ahead in the interview process. She’d be participating in a live interview via video conference the following week with some of the partners from the San Francisco agency.

  Kira and Ian celebrated over a sumptuous dinner of grilled pizza with fresh herbs and mozzarella along with a giant salad.

  The nights slowly got cooler, indicating autumn would soon be on its way. Kira pulled her sweater more closely around her, catching herself falling out of the moment, and worrying about what life would be like without Ian’s company, if she didn’t get the job.