Emma's Secret

by A. P. Jensen

  She hadn’t expected him to read anything beyond the obvious in her art. He watched her steadily, waiting for her to say something, but she didn’t know what he wanted from her. He turned to the sketch of himself in Seattle.

  “Is this how you see me?”

  At first she didn’t know how to answer and then she said, “It’s one of the masks you wear.”

  He paused for a moment and flipped to another picture of himself. He sat on her porch in Bellingham, flannel shirt open, jean clad legs stretched out in front of him. His face seemed younger, happier. He looked like a completely different person.

  “The pictures don’t mean anything. They’re just drawings,” Emma said and managed to snatch the pad out of his hands. “We all wear masks. We have to be different people in different parts of our lives.”

  “But how do you see me?”

  “What?”

  “You drew two images of me, but which one do you see me as?”

  “You’re both men, but your business side dominates everything else. That’s not a bad thing. That’s what you are.”

  He considered and nodded. “Business has dominated everything for over twelve years, but I’m trying to switch my focus. Do you know why I was in Bellingham when I met you?”

  “You said you were on vacation,” she ventured.

  “I hit a breaking point when I got into a fight with a client and nearly punched him in the face. I was restless and angry and I couldn’t concentrate. My doctor said my blood pressure was through the roof and if I didn’t bring it down, I would work myself into an early grave. Derek kicked me out of the office until I got a hold of myself. I didn’t know where to go, so I went to see Tommy and met you.”

  “You never told me that.”

  “You changed my focus for the first time in twelve years. For the first time, I was able to kick back and just… be. I was able to go back to work because I knew you would be there when I got back. Whenever the pressure chokes me, I visit you. You ground me.”

  She tried not to read too much into his words. “How’s your blood pressure now?”

  He shrugged. “It fluctuates. I know I need to change.”

  “I didn’t know,” she said quietly.

  His dark eyes were piercing as they searched hers. “I had a talk with Anna and Tommy.”

  Dread fizzed through her. “About what?”

  “Why didn’t you tell me about your parents?”

  Emma’s body turned to stone. “What about them?”

  “Why didn’t you tell me how they died, when they died?”

  “That’s none of your business!”

  Peter’s eyes narrowed to slits. “Not my business? I suppose the fact that you were engaged to Ben once upon a time isn’t my business either?”

  “Damn right! I don’t ask you about all the women in your past. We didn’t have that kind of relationship!”

  “What the hell kind of relationship did we have?” he demanded.

  “The sexual kind! We didn’t cuddle and talk about the future or past history.”

  “You never let me in! Not once did you tell me what was going on right in front of me. It wasn’t just that I was absent. You don’t think I’d understand what you went through with Ben and the accident?”

  Emma turned and walked out of the cabin. She couldn’t breathe. How could Anna and Tommy do this to her? She started towards the cliff, but didn’t get far before Peter whirled her around. The cold wind whipped around them and Peter raised his voice to be heard over the sound of the waves below.

  “Why didn’t you tell me that the anniversary of the accident is the same week as our anniversary?” he demanded.

  “What does it matter?”

  “If I’d known-”

  “Then you would have showed up because you felt sorry for me? No thanks!”

  He shook her. “I could be there for you, you idiot!”

  “I want you to be there because you want me, not because I’m going through a hard time! I can handle this on my own! Parents die, people betray you-” Her voice broke and her eyes burned with tears. “I didn’t come here for this. I want to forget everything, I don’t want to keep reliving it.”

  “It’s a part of your history and you’re making decisions based on what you lost,” he said brutally.

  “You think you know what happened just because someone told you bare facts? You have no idea how I feel, what I want!”

  “What do you want?”

  “I don’t know anymore! I lost everything. I’m just trying to pick up the pieces.”

  “I can-”

  She shook her head violently. “No. I don’t want you-”

  “You don’t have a choice,” he snapped.

  He picked her up and carried her back to the cabin. She was chilled to the bone and she trembled in his grasp. He sat on the couch and wrapped them both in blankets. She tried to get away from him, but he squeezed the life out of her. She had no choice but to settle against him.

  “My mom dropped me off at my aunt’s house when I was six,” he said.

  Emma stared straight ahead and did her impression of a rock.

  “She never came back for me.” Peter buried his face in her hair and breathed deep. “My aunt hated me. She didn’t have any kids of her own, but she put food on the table and gave me clothes to wear. She never let me forget that I was a burden and that I should be grateful that she gave me a place to stay.”

  Emma opened her mouth to speak, but snapped it shut and listened.

  “I was good at sports. I managed to get a scholarship to a private high school. My aunt grumbled even though she didn’t have to pay anything. I met Derek and his parents began to take me with them on vacations. They paid my way to college. They’re the reason I’m where I am today.”

  Peter squeezed Emma and rested his chin on her shoulder.

  “I know what it’s like to be left behind, to be betrayed by someone you love,” he murmured. “I don’t know where my mom is or what happened to her. At this point in my life, I don’t care.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “It was hard as a kid. You wonder what’s wrong with you, why God did this to me. I grew up faster than most kids, but I turned out okay. I vowed I’d never let anyone mean so much to me, so if they left, I wouldn’t care.”

  She nodded, but didn’t comment. He rubbed his face in her hair and goose bumps broke out over her skin. His hand splayed over her stomach and she dug her nails into his skin in warning, but the hand didn’t move up or down.

  “You’re the first person to break through to me since Derek,” he confessed.

  She blinked and a tear slid down her cheek. “Peter, you don’t have to-”

  “Yes, I do. I was so busy trying to keep my walls up that I didn’t see you had your own demons. I’m sorry.”

  “I can’t talk about it.”

  “I don’t know how got through losing your parents… and what happened with Ben. How can you go through what you went through and leave yourself open?”

  The unspoken ‘Why did you let yourself love me?’ made her mouth quirk in a sad smile. “You barged into my life and distracted me during the worst time of year for me. How could I hold back from you?”

  Peter nipped her neck. “I knew you were trouble the minute I saw you.”

  “Ditto.”

  His hold tightened on her. “You’re afraid to give me another chance because I held back before. I won’t anymore. I can’t change the past, but I’m here now.”

  “I don’t think-”

  “You don’t have to make any decisions right now. I think we both need to figure out what we want.”

  Emma woke in her bedroom as the sun set, coloring the room in orange light. She had a vague recollection of Peter carrying her in when she dozed off in his arms. The fact that Peter knew about her past made everything so much more complicated. Did he come on this trip because he felt guilty? She didn’t want or need Peter here, injecting her heart with hope. Why not
just let her go?

  She reached for her cell and dialed Anna’s number. She answered on the second ring.

  “Emma how’s everything?”

  “Why did you tell Peter about the accident?” Emma couldn’t hold back the anger in her voice.

  There was a startled pause and then a sigh, “He deserves to know, Emma. He came to my house to get drunk after Georgina’s wedding. He wants to make it work and he keeps coming back to you even when you push him away.”

  “Anna, you had no right.”

  “I’m sorry. I did what I thought was best.”

  “I’ll talk to you later,” Emma said and hung up.

  She showered and changed into sweats. She looked in the mirror. The strain she felt was written all over her face. She gave Anna her reasons for breaking up with Peter. Hadn’t Anna agreed with her? So what if Peter decided to get drunk after she turned him away? She scowled at her reflection. Had they arrived only yesterday? It felt like a week.

  “Emma?” Peter’s voice came through the door.

  “Yes?”

  “I have dinner ready.”

  She finished her hair and walked into the kitchen and found the table set with steaming meatloaf, vegetables and mashed potatoes. Peter poured a glass of wine for each of them. When she hesitated, he pulled out her chair.

  “Sit.”

  She sat and noticed her sketchpad on the table. He made their plates and sat across from her. She took a gulp of wine and dug into the meal. The food settled her stomach and when she finished, she sipped her wine.

  “Anna and Tommy love you,” he began, reading the tension in her body.

  “That doesn’t mean they know what’s best for me,” she said coolly.

  “They told me about the accident so I’d understand.”

  “It wasn’t for them to tell.”

  “Would you have told me?”

  “No.”

  A muscle flexed in his jaw. “Hearing about the accident shows me I did everything wrong where you’re concerned.”

  “It just shows me we’re not meant for each other. You have your life in Seattle and I have mine in Bellingham. You’re never going to change, Peter.”

  Peter said nothing and she twisted the stem of her wine glass.

  “I didn’t know about your background,” she said to change the subject. “It’s amazing what you’ve done for yourself.”

  “It’s common knowledge that my aunt raised me, but only Derek knows what it was like for me to live with her. Derek’s parents saved my life.”

  “His parents must be proud of you.”

  “They are. I don’t like needing people.”

  She sighed. “I don’t see the point in this. Once we get back to the real world, you’re going to spend just as much time in Seattle.”

  “I can switch my schedule around.”

  Emma rolled her eyes and took another sip of wine.

  “There’s one thing I want to know,” Peter said.

  “What?”

  “Is Ben the reason you broke up with me?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You think if he loved and left you, there’s no chance in hell I’ll stay. Am I right?”

  “I don’t know why you’d keep coming back to someone you didn’t love.” She speared a hand through her hair. “None of this matters now.”

  “I can understand how forgetting about you on our anniversary shook you up. It won’t happen again.”

  She shook her head. “Before the accident, I had work and family. Now, I have Anna, but the time I used to spend with family I spend working because there’s nothing to go home to. When we were together, my work hours didn’t change because you were never around! I want to be in a relationship where the guy is present.”

  “I can change.”

  “You’re not the relationship type. I knew that when I met you. You wouldn’t be happy playing full time boyfriend,” Emma muttered.

  “I enjoy our time together.”

  “Until you get restless and want to run back to the city.”

  He didn’t deny that.

  Emma eyed him doubtfully over the rim of her glass. “While we’re here, no sex.”

  He drank his wine and didn’t answer.

  The next week passed by surprisingly fast. Emma tried to ignore Peter and secretly hoped he’d get frustrated and leave. He didn’t. He spent a lot of time on his laptop in the kitchen and went on daily hikes up and down the cliffs. She stayed inside and cleaned the cabin, painted her nails and drew elaborate wedding cakes for a catalog she wanted to put together. She made sure she checked her email every now and then, but Anna had things under control. Emma ignored the apologies that peppered the emails from her friend. She blamed Anna and Tommy for her current dilemma. Being stuck in a cabin with Peter Logan wasn’t her idea of a restful vacation.

  Peter didn’t try to seduce her and showed no signs of frustration with his forced abstinence. This offended Emma. Didn’t he want her anymore? Bastard. The pseudo platonic relationship between them took a toll on her. All she could think about was jumping him and the resulting sketches were thrown in the fireplace before he spotted them. She tossed and turned at night and considered cutting her vacation short just to get out of this predicament, but pride forced her to stay. She could handle being around Peter and not having sex with him, right?

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  In the beginning of the second week, the tension in the cabin became so thick; it literally stopped you in your tracks. Emma spent more and more time in her room with the door closed because it was the best way to ignore Peter and they way he watched her. They were both tense and she was beginning to feel the effects of cabin fever, which put her in a nasty mood.

  When Peter knocked on the door and told her he was going to the store, she almost wept in relief. As soon as she heard the SUV leave, she burst out of her room with her sketchpad under her arm, walked outside and took deep breaths of the frigid air. She needed peace and quiet and she couldn’t do it with Peter hovering around her. She headed down the steep path to the pebble beach below. She perched on a rock and raised her face to the ocean mist that caressed her face. She squinted against the glare of light on her paper and got to work.

  Time ran away from her. She sketched until her fingers cramped. She looked down at the images of Peter and her parents. She wondered what her parents would think of him. Her mom wouldn’t approve since he was a workaholic. For the first time, Emma understood why her mom griped about her work life. What good was money when you didn’t have the time to do anything with it? She had both bakeries up and running, she had a comfortable income and she had… no family and no personal life. She wanted someone to share her life with.

  She set her sketch pad aside, stretched and turned her back to the ocean to look up the cliff and wondered if Peter was back. A wave slammed into her with such force that she fell on her hands and knees on the rocks. Emma went down hard and was too stunned to fight when the wave retreated and pulled her into the ocean. She thrashed and swallowed mouthfuls of water before she realized which way was up. When she broke through the surface, she was sucked into the undertow. She kicked with all her might and made it onto shore, sputtering and coughing up seawater.

  Shaking convulsively, she looked around and realized the tide crept in around her while she drew. When a wave reached out for her, she scrambled towards the cliff. She stumbled her way up the steep path, gagging and moaning from the cold. She was nearly at the top when she heard Peter calling her name. She tried to call out to him, but her throat was dry and she thought she was in danger of freezing to death. His voice got closer and it was the most welcome sound she ever heard.

  “What the hell happened?” he shouted.

  Peter slid to a stop on the path in front of her and hauled her into his arms. She moaned and buried her numb face on his chest. He hustled her back to the cabin.

  “You’re going to get sick,” he thundered.

  He shoved his way into
her bathroom and began to strip off her sodden clothes. She opened her mouth to protest, but her teeth chattered too hard for her to speak. Peter turned on the shower and she blinked in surprise when he stripped and stepped in with her. She had no choice but to lean against him as the hot water beat down on her back.

  “Look at your hands,” he snapped.

  She had several cuts on her hands, which tricked blood down her arms. She flinched when he put her palms under the unforgiving spray. She bit his bare chest. He ignored her and muttered under his breath as he soaped her hair and body. She let him tend to her because she was shell-shocked and the feel of his hands on her felt like heaven. Too soon, Peter hauled her out of the tub and roughly dried her. He wrapped her in a robe and fetched his own before he dragged her in front of the fireplace. She shivered while he got it going. When it blazed to life, he placed her so close that her face felt singed, but she was too grateful to argue. Peter rummaged around in the kitchen and reappeared with water, tea and soup. He watched her through narrow eyes as she drank the whole glass of water to get the salty taste out of her mouth. The soup made her feel waterlogged, but she ate it all.

  Peter brought out a first aid kit and cupped her hands in his. “What happened?”

  “Turned my back on the water.”

  “Bad mistake.”

  She yanked her hand back. “I know that.”

  “You could have drowned!”

  “I know that too.”

  “You shouldn’t go to the beach by yourself.”

  She glared. “I grew up here. I’m not an idiot. I just… forgot and I’m fine now.”

  “You could’ve been swept out to sea and-”

  “But I didn’t.”

  He got to his feet and paced. She watched him warily. She could feel his temper boiling beneath the surface and his hands clenched and unclenched at his sides.

  “You are the most stubborn person I have ever met,” he hissed as he passed by.

  “You’re just as stubborn. You don’t know the meaning of the word no,” she retorted.

  Peter dropped to his knees in front of her, grasped her by the shoulders and shook her. “I know when something’s a lost cause. I also know when something is good. If you’d stop being such a hard ass, I could show you that. Give me a second chance!”