Don't Worry, Life Is Easy

by Agnes Martin-Lugand

  “I don’t know if I can.”

  “It will take courage, but you’re stronger than you think. When I met you, I could sense how fragile you were, but you’re actually strong, unbelievably strong. You’ll manage.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  I turned over and kissed him. I needed to feel his body next to mine, to cling on to him. I refused to think about the possible consequences of that phone call.

  It took me a month to make the decision and find the right time to do it. I was never alone. At the bookstore, Felix was always hanging around; the rest of the time I was with Olivier, and I couldn’t imagine calling Abby with him standing next to me. To tell the truth, I was putting it off because I was so afraid of what I might find out. I took advantage of Felix being away on vacation at the end of August to build up the courage.

  “Hello?”

  Even though her voice sounded a bit tired, I recognized Abby, which made it impossible for me to say a word.

  “Hello!… Who is it?”

  “Abby… It’s me…”

  “Diane? Is it really you?”

  “Yes. Forgive me for not having…”

  “Hush, my darling. I’m so happy to hear your voice. When Edward told us he’d seen you…”

  “So he told you?”

  “Happy again! He told us you were fine and that you’d met someone! That’s wonderful!”

  That made things clear.

  “Thank you… And what about you? How are you?”

  “Absolutely fine!”

  “Abby,” I scolded, “He didn’t go into detail, but Edward said…”

  “He deserved to be told off for that; he shouldn’t have worried you…”

  It was as if I’d only left her yesterday.

  “No, he was right. What’s going on with you?’

  “Well, you know, I’m a tired old lady with a weak heart…”

  “You’re not old!”

  “You’re sweet, Diane. Don’t be upset. That’s life… It’s good to hear your voice; I miss you a lot.”

  “I miss you too, Abby.”

  “Oh, if I gave in to myself, I’d ask you to do something for me.”

  “Anything you want!”

  “Come and see us.”

  Go back to Ireland, to Mulranny… It had never crossed my mind.

  “Oh… I don’t know…”

  “I’d so love to have everyone with me once again. And Judith would be mad with joy. You’re her only real friend.”

  Abby knew how to play on people’s feelings when it suited her… I should have remembered that! The bell on the front door tinkled: Olivier was coming to help me close up.

  “I can’t promise but I’ll see what I can do.”

  “Don’t leave it too long, my darling.”

  “Don’t say that.”

  I glanced over at Olivier who had understood who I was talking to and gave me a sweet smile.

  “I’ll… I’ll call you back soon.”

  “Thank you for calling, Diane. See you soon. Lots of love.”

  “You too, Abby, you too.”

  I put my phone down on the counter and fell into Olivier’s arms. One more minute and I’d be crying. I already wanted to be there with her, in her living room, by the fireplace, telling her over and over again that she was going to get better. How could I just suddenly leave for Ireland? What about the bookstore? Olivier? Felix?

  “Was it as bad as that?”

  “She’s talking as if she’s already gone.”

  “I’m so sorry, Diane…”

  “I’m going to have to refuse to do the favor she asked.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Let’s close up and I’ll tell you about it later.”

  “If that’s what you want.”

  I needed to take it all in before explaining everything to him. The bookstore was all locked up in less time than I needed to say everything. Olivier went out to get us some falafel for dinner. While we were eating, I managed to tell him what Abby had asked, the thing I couldn’t stop thinking about.

  “Are you afraid it will be too difficult for you?”

  “No, I’m not thinking about me; it’s Abby I’m worried about.”

  “So why don’t you want to go?”

  “The bookstore…”

  “Felix managed very well when we went away.”

  I refused to believe it might be possible.

  “What about you? I won’t leave you… Would you like to come with me?”

  “No, Diane. For several reasons. I can’t take any more vacation days, and even if I could, they’re your friends; I wouldn’t want to prevent you from having a good time with them by tagging along. It’s not my place. And I could help Felix, if that would make you feel better.”

  I was so terrified by what was happening that I let out a great sigh. He put his hands around my face and looked into my eyes.

  “The only thing I’d ask of you is to be sure. Do you want to go back to Ireland? Do you feel you need to go?”

  “Yes.” I had to admit it.

  For the first time, I took advantage of the Wi-Fi in the bookstore and reserved a flight and rental car while I was working. Abby absolutely refused to let me stay in a hotel: I’d stay with them. I warned Felix I’d be away by text, without admitting where I was going. As much as Olivier respected my decision, it would be a very different matter with my best friend. But I had no time to lose.

  My flight to Dublin was three days after he got back from vacation.

  The morning he came back to work, I was as tense as could be. I let him tell me all about his vacation before dropping the bomb. He was ahead of me.

  “So, you two are so much in love that you want to go away again and lock yourself in a hotel room for several days? Tell all!”

  “Actually… I’m not going away with Olivier.”

  “Oh, really! So what are you doing?”

  “I’m going to see Abby.”

  “What? Are you kidding?”

  “No.”

  “Are you completely crazy?”

  “I’m not asking for your approval. I asked Olivier to come with me, you know, and he said no.”

  “If he knew what you’d gotten up to with Edward, he’d go! He’s playing with fire. I thought he was more intelligent than that.”

  “You’re wrong.”

  Felix gave me the cold shoulder right until I left. Yet, when I was saying goodbye to him, I could feel all his anxiety.

  “Do you love Olivier? I mean, really love him?”

  “I think so, yes… at least, I’m in love with him…”

  “Have you told him?”

  “No, not yet.”

  “In that case, be careful in Ireland.”

  “Felix, I’m coming back in less than a week; I don’t see what could happen to me.”

  Olivier took me to the airport, even though I told him it wasn’t necessary. And I knew he’d be there to meet me when I got back. He spared me advice about being careful. I was depressed at the idea of not seeing him for a week—proof that Felix was wrong. I let him hold me until the last minute.

  “I’ll call you very soon,” I said, in between kisses.

  “Everything will be fine, I’m sure of it.”

  I kissed him one last time and headed for the departure gate.

  It was strange. As soon as I set foot in Ireland again, I felt like I was home, as if I were going back home after a long absence. I wasn’t prepared to feel so good. I thought I’d feel bad, sad, in anguish, haunted by memories. But it was just the opposite. Every step, every kilometer I drove was natural, bringing me closer to home. My body and mind had held on to a clear memory of this journey.

  As I approached Mulranny, I slowed down. One last hill and the bay appeared. I was so moved by the sight that I stopped on the side of the road. A gust of wind messed my hair up as soon as I opened the car door; I burst out laughing. I stood dead still, admiring the landscape that had been my whole w
orld for so many months. My God! How I’d missed it! I could make out my cottage in the distance, and Edward’s. I was shivering, looking at the sky and taking deep breaths of the clean, salty air. My eyes started to tear from the wind, and I liked those tears; it was as if they were cleansing my eyes and my cheeks. The dark days were behind me; all I thought about were the magical moments spent in this place. This trip was my opportunity to make peace with that period of my life.

  When I arrived in the village, I was struck by how nothing had changed. Everything was as I remembered: the grocery store, the gas station, and the pub. I was seconds away from stopping to do some shopping and make a detour to the pub to drink some Guinness. On the other hand, it seemed too soon to go to the beach; I had plenty of time to do that. I immediately headed for Abby and Jack’s place. I hadn’t even turned off the engine when the door opened and I saw them standing there. I was smiling, laughing, and crying all at once. I ran toward them so Abby wouldn’t get tired. Jack came on ahead of her and, to my great surprise, took me in his enormous arms.

  “Our little Frenchwoman is finally here!”

  “Jack… thank you.”

  “I’m the one who’s dying,” said Abby, “hand her over!”

  Jack’s expression warned me not to react to his wife’s sense of humor. He let go of me and I got closer to her. She was smaller than I remembered and she’d lost weight. I guessed she’d done everything she could to hide the marks of her illness: foundation, concealer, and blusher. Her eyes were still mischievous and full of life. She took me in her arms and hugged me.

  “It’s so nice to have you here! I’ve been waiting for you to come back for more than a year.”

  I stopped myself from replying, “Me too.”

  An hour later, after unpacking my suitcase and sorting out my things in the dresser of my room, I was in the kitchen with her, preparing dinner. That was when I noticed the first signs of her weariness, for a year ago, she would have refused to let me help. Jack went from the kitchen to the living room, a Guinness in hand. Abby sat on a chair and bombarded me with questions about my life in Paris, Felix, whom she remembered fondly, and Olivier. I still couldn’t believe that Edward told her about him: he really had changed! I let my curiosity get the better of me.

  “So does he have someone in his life?”

  Abby gave me a little smile.

  “Yes… someone who takes up a lot of his time.”

  A wave of panic rushed through me.

  “Abby, don’t tell me that it’s…”

  Her laughter made me stop.

  “She never came back, that one. Don’t worry… the arrival of this other person has been a joy in our lives, you’ll see. You’re bound to meet up.”

  Thank you, God! Fortunately, I had Olivier, because if I’d still been on my own, it would have been difficult for me to bear seeing Edward with someone else, especially if she was someone really nice, as they were saying, and whom everyone liked.

  During dinner, I caught up on what had been happening to the people who lived there whom I remembered. And, to tell the truth, I remembered everyone. Abby told me that Judith was coming for the weekend and that she was really well. I was going to have to face a difficult fifteen minutes when she demands an update on my love life! I started clearing up and forbid them to do a thing. I wanted them to rest while I was staying with them; it was the least I could do. I was familiar with everything in the house, a little as if I was at my grandparents’ place where I’d spent all my vacations as a child. When everything was done, I went outside to smoke a cigarette, sitting on the front steps. I could hear the sea and the waves in the distance. I breathed in deeply, so relaxed that my body was like rubber. Jack joined me a few minutes later, with his cigar.

  “Abby went upstairs to bed,” he told me.

  “I hope I’m not tiring her out too much.”

  “With everything you’re doing, I wouldn’t worry about that! You couldn’t have given her a better present. She had a hard time getting over it when you left.”

  “I’m so sorry…”

  “Don’t be, that’s what she’s like; she wants to keep everyone close, forever, as if you were children. I just hope you didn’t force yourself to come because of her.”

  “Not at all… I had a few concerns, I’ll admit… but since I got here I know that it’s the best decision I ever made.”

  I was nice and warm under the duvet in my enormous special bed. I’d just hung up with Olivier; it had done me good to talk to him and to be in contact with my life in Paris. I was much more attached to this place than I cared to admit. I was about to turn out the bedside lamp when I heard someone knocking at my door. I was stunned to see Abby there, wearing her bathrobe.

  “I thought you were asleep…”

  “I have trouble sleeping… and I wanted to know if you were comfortable.”

  “You’d have to be very choosy not to be.”

  She came over to the bed, sat down next to me and took my hands in hers.

  “You look radiant, Diane.”

  “Thank you.”

  “We’re going to make up for lost time.”

  “Yes.”

  “If you only knew how happy I am to have you here for a few days… My other daughter is home…”

  I was too moved to speak.

  “Go to sleep now.”

  She stood up and I stretched out. She leaned over and kissed my forehead.

  “Sleep tight, my little one.”

  I fell into a peaceful sleep.

  The next afternoon, Abby wanted us to go for a walk together on the beach. Jack dropped us off in the car not too far away, so she wouldn’t get too tired. We walked along slowly, arm in arm. Abby’s hand calmed my shaking; all I could see was my cottage. I had thought I would die of sadness in that house. But its four walls had also helped me become the person I was today.

  “No one’s lived there since you left.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it’s yours… I’ve brought the keys; do you want to go in?”

  “No, I don’t want to stir up all those memories.”

  “I understand.”

  We continued strolling down the beach, but not without feeling a few drops of rain. But I trusted Jack’s sixth sense when it came to the weather, and he’d assured us there wouldn’t be a heavy shower for several hours. I loved this beach, the sea that was so blue and slightly menacing, the wind that hardly ever died down. I’d mourned Colin and Clara in this place, I’d laughed, gotten to know the real Edward, met Judith. And I’d rolled around in the sand.

  “Does Edward still have his dog?”

  “He’s madder than ever! Look, here he comes now.”

  Abby let go of me and stepped back a little, laughing. Hearing his barking filled me with joy and excitement. I’d spent a lot of time with Postman Pat! He ran toward us. I slapped my knees to get him to come to me, and, just like before, he jumped up and knocked me down.

  “How are you, my little doggie?” I asked, as he licked my face.

  “He recognizes you,” said Abby.

  “It’s unbelievable!”

  I managed to get up and throw a stick for him far into the distance, wondering where his master was.

  “Does Edward let him out alone now?”

  “No. He must be with Declan.”

  “Who’s Declan?”

  Before Abby could answer me, a little voice called at the top of its lungs from behind her. I turned around and leapt back when I saw a little boy running towards us, or rather, towards Abby. He threw his arms around her and nestled his head against her stomach. A knot formed in my throat; the presence of this child was ruining my homecoming on this beach and brought up too many questions for my peace of mind.

  “Abby!”

  “Yes, Diane?”

  “Whose child is this?”

  She looked uncomfortable, which rarely happened, and that added to my anguish.

  “Well, whose is he?”

 
“He’s mine,” said Edward, from behind me.

  I immediately turned around. He was less than a few feet away from me, and was staring straight into my eyes, the resemblance was striking. This little boy, whom you could tell would grow up to be a sturdy young man, was like a mini Edward: messy blond hair, proud, chiseled features, but with a smile as well. But this child was at least five years old… Doing the math was interrupted by a little hand pulling at my coat.

  “What’s your name?”

  Stunned speechless, I stared at him; the same disturbing eyes as his…

  “Declan, I want you to meet Diane; she’s a friend of the family,” Abby replied. “We’re going to let daddy talk to her, all right?”

  He gave a little shrug.

  “Edward, both of you come and have dinner at the house,” Abby suggested. “I’ll take Declan with me.”

  “It’s out of the question that you walk back; I’ll give you a lift.”

  “I don’t think that your son needs to hear your conversation with Diane.”

  “I’ll drop you off and come back and meet Diane afterwards.”

  My opinion obviously didn’t count. Just like old times! Edward whistled for his dog, gestured to his son to follow him without saying a word, and headed for the car parked in front of his house. Abby came over to me.

  “Can you help me walk?” she asked, taking my arm.

  But I was the one clinging on to her, not the other way around. I stared at my feet, incapable of looking straight ahead at such a domestic scene: Edward walking with his son and his dog.

  “Don’t be too hard on him, my darling,” she said to me before getting in the car.

  Edward came over; I stepped back and glared at him.

  “Do you want to wait at my place?”

  “And then what?”

  “Don’t start…”

  I recognized his curt tone of voice. I was losing my temper but stopped myself out of respect for Abby. I turned away and headed for the beach.

  For a quarter of an hour, I paced back and forth, threw stones into the water with all my might, and chain-smoked cigarettes. So now he was a father! If there was one thing in the world that was impossible, it was that. If he had gone back to some woman, that would have been completely normal; she might have even already had children. But for him to have a son of his own, and one he couldn’t deny was his! And a child of that age as well! Why did he always have to try me?