Secrets

by Steel, Danielle

  You know that wasn't half bad, for once. She grinned mischievously and Jane laughed.

  Shame on you. They're wonderful. You're a very lucky girl.

  Gabby groaned and smiled at the girls. They thought she was lucky too. In fact, they were enormously impressed with her, and with Jane as well. They had finally realized that their mother wasn't so bad after all. If she knew people like that' Wait till we tell Dad ' Alyssa said, and Jane laughed. They were funny kids, but wasn't everyone, and as Jane went to bed that night, and she kissed the girls good night, she found herself thinking of Zack, and wondering where he was, and with whom, on Christmas. He hadn't called her since he left, and she couldn't get him out of her head, as she drifted off to sleep, thinking of the party she'd gone to with Gabby.

  Chapter 19

  There was a definite chill between Mel and Sabina when he returned. He got back two days after they all went back to work, and for the first few days he slept in his own suite of rooms, for the first time since they'd left California. But Sabina didn't say anything. She offered no explanation as to why she had gone home, and it was Mel who finally cleared the air, when he took her back to the hotel after the shooting one night.

  I'm sorry if I've been upset. His eyes were gentle but still hurt.

  You've had a right to be. Her voice was kind as she looked at him. But I couldn't change my plans, Mel. No matter how much I wanted to. He didn't ask her why, or who meant that much to her. He couldn't imagine that anyone did. She was self-centered and spoiled, and she thought of herself most of the time, yet she was nice to him. And they got along well. Maybe wanting more than that was asking too much of her. Maybe they just had to accept what they had, for as long as they had it. What right did he have to expect more of her?

  Are you seriously involved with someone? It was all he wanted to know. He didn't want to make a fool of himself, even for her. He was too old for that.

  Not the way you think. This was an obligation I have every year. And it was obvious she didn't want to explain it to him. Sort of a family thing. He wasn't sure he believed what she said, but it was a comfortable lie, for both of them.

  I didn't know you had any family. She didn't answer him, and he took her out to dinner after that, and they got back on the right track again. He moved into her room again that night, and she teased him as she lay in his arms, sipping a glass of champagne after they made love.

  I was afraid you weren't going to speak to me again. She eyed him with her extraordinary green eyes, and he felt his heart melt again. He was surprised at how much he had come to care about her. More than he would have liked, but she had gotten under his skin somehow, when he wasn't looking.

  Why would I be foolish enough to do that?

  Because I'm so independent sometimes. The feline look came into her eyes and he laughed. She was right.

  You are, aren't you? ' have you ever wanted to be otherwise? To be tied down to anyone?

  She was honest with him as she shook her head and offered him a sip of her champagne as they lay naked in her bed. No. Oh ' maybe once ' when I was very young ' but not in a long time. Maybe never since then. I don't think I'd do well tied down. She was tied down in other ways, but not to a man. I was madly in love with someone several years ago, but we never thought of getting married. Actually, he was married to someone else. And that suited me very well. It sounded awful to Mel, and he still remembered how wonderful it had been, being married to Liz.

  He looked sad as he looked at his friend. I used to like being married very much' .

  There was compassion in her eyes. I know ' that must have been terrible for you ' I mean when ' She hated to say the words, for fear of bringing him pain.

  It was. I thought I wouldn't survive it. But I did. And I never wanted to do that again ' to care so much ' and to lose it all' . It was unbearable, just thinking about it ' his children ' his wife ' everything' . I'm content now. I'm used to being alone. And he enjoyed being with her. He was willing to give her plenty of room, and she appreciated it. She was grateful for his lack of questions about her Christmas plans, more than he knew. Another man might not have tolerated it. And she was well aware of it.

  Would you marry again? She was curious, in some ways she thought he would.

  I'm not sure. I've never wanted to. And I wouldn't want to have children again. I'm too old now.

  Nonsense.

  He smiled. I don't mean physically. I mean in other ways. I wouldn't want to do that again. It takes a lot of energy and time and love to bring up kids, and I put that into my work now. He rolled over and kissed the inside of her arm. He was a strong, vital man, youthful in many ways, and he was content with his life. And I have enough energy left over for you, I hope ' and enough love' His voice was soft. I do love you, you know.

  Thank you, Mel. She kissed him in response, without directly answering him, and then after a long time, she whispered the words that frightened her so much. She avoided saying them whenever possible. But this time she said them. I love you too' . There were tears in his eyes when he kissed her then, and he gently took her in his arms and made love to her.

  Chapter 20

  Mel gave a beautiful party for the cast and crew on New Year's Eve. He took over the entire discotheque Le Club, and everyone had a marvelous time, drinking champagne and dancing all night long, and singing Auld Lang Syne at midnight. He held Sabina in his arms, and kissed her, as a small group near them cheered, and she laughed and threw her arms around Zack after that. He had been dancing with Jane, and he kissed her gently on the cheek before Sabina interrupted.

  Happy New Year, sweet friend ' I hope it's a wonderful year for you ' for all of us' . He looked at Jane with a bittersweet look she didn't understand as Sabina swept him away. And Jane found herself kissing one of the cameramen, and then embracing Gabrielle, as the director came over and kissed them both. The only one missing was Bill, and most of them had no official dates. They were just together, as Mel had hoped long before, like one big happy family. And Gabby was relieved not to have to deal with Bill. Jane had even brought her girls, who were awed by it all. It had been an unforgettable vacation for them, and they were leaving the next day to go back to L.A. And the entire cast was returning to the West Coast in two weeks.

  Zack danced with Jane again afterwards, and he held her close in a way that he never had before, and it stirred her very soul. They hadn't had much time alone since he'd gotten back, but she'd been busy with the girls, and there were a lot of last-minute changes in the scripts. The evening ended for most of them at 4:00 A.M. and double-decker buses Mel had rented took them back to their hotels. Zack sat next to Jane and held her hand, and Sabina and Mel sat side by side in the backseat. Members of the cast had begun nothing them together recently, but no one said anything. They seemed right for each other somehow, and when Zack dropped Jane and the girls off at their room, Alyssa turned to Jane with a curious look.

  Are you in love with him, Mom?

  With whom? For a moment she was taken off guard, and she blushed. With Zack? Of course not, we're just friends. But Alexandra wasn't so sure. She had seen the way he looked at her, and she was suspicious of him, but at the same time she liked him. They both did, but they still thought Bill was the better-looking of the two.

  At the same time, he was passed out in his room, having drunk an entire bottle of Scotch alone. But loneliness and his preoccupation with Sandy had finally gotten to him. And the girls were disappointed not to have seen him again. Alex had had fantasies that at midnight he might be standing nearby, and might kiss her too. Mel was right, all the young girls in the world would be panting at his feet soon.

  Jane took them to the airport the next day, and she was sad once they'd gone. She'd be seeing them again in two weeks, but by then, Jack would have done a number on them again. Although she hoped that there would be some lasting effect from their trip. She knew they'd been enormously impressed by Zack and Bill, Gabby's family, the shooting itself, the parties on Chri
stmas and New Year's Eve. But she longed for the solid life they had once shared, even with its lies. Everything had seemed so normal and secure then. It wasn't, of course, but she had lied to herself ' for so many years ' she was thinking of that when Zack called her.

  Want to go for a walk? It was snowing again, and she loved the idea. She bundled into her heavy coat, and they headed down Madison Avenue, glancing at the shops, and talking about the girls.

  I think the trip was good for them.

  They're good kids.

  Thank you. You don't have any children, do you, Zack?

  He smiled and shook his head. No. She had never asked him that before, and he could have, by someone somewhere. I've always been a little sorry about that. I guess I never found the right girl .

  It's not too late. She smiled, and he looked at her wistfully.

  Maybe not. And then they walked in silence for a while, lost in their own thoughts. The turning point into a new year was a thoughtful time, when one weighed the past against what lay ahead. And they both had good things in store in the coming year. The show was looking good to all of them, and they talked about it, as they often did, as they walked toward Fifth Avenue on Fifty-ninth. Want to go to the Plaza for a drink?

  Sure. They ordered toddies and then went back outside, and he hired a hansom cab to drive them through the park as she snuggled next to him, amazed at how comfortable it was just being with him, and suddenly he looked down at her and she thought his eyes were damp, from the cold she thought, but she wasn't quite sure.

  I wish I'd met you twenty years ago ' maybe even twenty-five' And then he laughed, and held her gloved hand tightly in his own, and the hansom cab took them right to the door of the Carlyle. And they had dinner in her room that night, and rehearsed the next day's scenes. But she was thinking about what he had said, and she wished she had met him earlier too. What were you thinking just then, Jane? They were relaxing on the couch, like old friends. She felt as though she had known him for years, and she liked that about him. She liked a lot of things about Zack. His looks, his elegance, his charm, his thoughtfulness, his intelligence, his kindness'

  I was thinking how nice you are ' what a good actor, and what a nice man, and that I like you a lot.

  His eyes met hers. I like you too ' you've become very special to me. She had the feeling he wanted to say more, but he never did. They started talking about the others instead. Gabby, and Sabina and Mel, and Bill who was still so difficult.

  I wish he'd ease up on Gabby. He's so hard on her.

  Sometimes I think he's half in love with her. It was very perceptive of him, but Jane looked shocked.

  With Gabby? He's so awful to her.

  Just like a little kid. Have you ever watched a nine-year-old taken with a girl? He'll go right up and punch her in the gut, and then go away pleased with himself, as though he's said something really important to her, and he has.

  Jane laughed at the imagery. It certainly sounds like Bill. Think he'll grow up?

  He might.

  She's such a nice girl.

  So are you. He stood up then with a yawn and gave her a warm hug, and a few minutes later he was gone, leaving Jane wondering if he was ever going to start anything with her. Alyssa had been right. She liked him very much ' maybe even more than that ' not just his striking good looks ' but what was inside. That was the real beauty of Zack, the man he was inside. He was a very, very special man. And Jane suddenly realized she was falling in love with him.

  Chapter 21

  The last two weeks of shooting seemed to fly. Everyone got along well, and the scripts flowed easily. Each scene seemed better than the last, and the words cut and print were heavy in the air. On the last day of their location shoot, everyone gave a cheer, and Mel invited Sabina and Zack and Jane and Gabby and Bill to 21 that night to celebrate. They had a week's break ahead of them when they got back to L.A. before they started shooting again, this time in the studio. And Jane said she had to look for a new house. Her time was up at the one she had shared with Jack and she was going to look in Beverly Hills. Bill thought he might go skiing with friends, Gabby said she just wanted to get warm again and Sabina said she had to go to San Francisco for a few days. They had a wonderful time, and the next day everyone was quiet on the flight home as they all thought of what was waiting for them. Zack sat next to Jane, and Sabina and Mel, and Gabby and Bill carefully chose seats at opposite ends of the plane. They no longer spoke to each other, except during scenes, the rest of the time they avoided each other like the plague.

  And back in Los Angeles it was business as usual. There was a lot of editing to do, Mel had a dozen meetings lined up, Sabina quietly disappeared, Bill left to ski, promising not to let his face get tan and screw up the continuity when he came back to work. And Jane found a new house in Bel Air she was crazy about. It was small, but large enough for her and the kids. It had a pretty little pool and a tall gate for privacy. It barely hurt to move out of her old house, and this time she stayed clear of Jack, and Gabby kept her company while she packed. But Jack never showed up anyway. The girls said he had a girl friend who worked for him, they weren't too fond of her and she was very young, twenty-one or twenty-two, and according to them she had big boobs and no brains. Jane thought to herself that that would suit him perfectly, and for a minute, she felt sorry for the girl, and then she decided to hell with it.

  She moved into the new house as soon as the papers were signed, and they were already back to work by then. Everyone looked happy and relaxed, even Bill, although he had looked high and low for Sandy when he got back, and no one had any idea where she was. But he was anxious to find her now. He wanted to see her into safe port and then get divorced quietly somehow. He just prayed he'd get away with it, without anyone finding out. But there as no sign of her anyway, although he had left messages for her everywhere. And he had gone to Mike's Bar as soon as he got back. It was fun seeing the old faces, especially now that he was doing well.

  They started back to work on February fourth, and on the first of March, Jane's divorce papers came. She was on the set, quietly reading some lines that had just been changed, when someone dropped an envelope in her lap that had come that afternoon. She opened it. And that was it. It was over. She was divorced. Twenty years down the tubes. And in spite of herself, she started to cry, and everyone walked quietly away, except Zack, who came over to see what was wrong. She blew her nose and handed the papers to him.

  I know ' it's stupid of me to cry ' and he was such a jerk ' it's just that ' I don't know ' it's like saying that half of your life has been wasted. She was almost forty years old and suddenly she felt it.

  Come on, he held out a hand. Are you in any more scenes today? She shook her head and blew her nose again. Let's go get something to eat. I know a terrible bar where they make great hamburgers. She hesitated and then stood up.

  I'll take my makeup off and be right out. He was waiting for her in clean jeans and a starched white shirt, Docksides and no socks, when she emerged in a pink jogging suit and her hair pulled back in a rubber band. They looked like two ordinary folk, as they got in his car and left the lot. She had left the papers in her dressing room. They looked so ugly to her and it all reminded her of Jack. She was grateful to be with Zachary. She didn't want to be alone. And she laughed when she saw Mike's Bar. It was terrible, and dark, and smelled of beer, but the people inside all looked young and healthy and clean and she realized that most of them were probably actors, and Zack was right. The hamburgers were as good as he had promised.

  They had just finished eating, and Zack was sipping his beer when he noticed Bill Warwick sitting in the far corner with a girl. He hadn't been in any of the scenes that day and he hadn't been on the set, and Jane suddenly looked over at him too, and they both saw the look of pain in his eyes. He was with a girl who looked as though she were desperately sick. She was rail thin and had dark, matted hair. She was dressed in what seemed to be almost rags, and they saw him shaking his head,
near tears, and then finally hand some money to her, and Jane turned away, feeling as though she had seen something she shouldn't have. He looked so grief-stricken and so distraught, and he hurried out as soon as she left, without noticing Zack and Jane where they were sitting.

  My God, who do you suppose that was? Jane looked sad for him. It was obvious that he cared about the girl.

  I don't know, but no wonder he's depressed most of the time. They sat in silence after that and then went back to Jane's new house in Bel Air, but she was thinking about Bill and the girl. There was something so haunting about her. And she looked a little bit like Gabrielle. But Gabby was so healthy and radiant and strong. This girl looked as though she were half dead. She looks as though she's on drugs, Zack said quietly, and Jane suspected he was right, and she was sorry for both of them.

  Want to go for a swim? she asked him.

  I didn't bring a suit and I'd look pretty funny in one of yours. He grinned.

  I won't look if you want to skinny-dip. She was so comfortable with him she didn't mind.

  I can't promise the same. But he had always been a perfect gentleman with her. Recently, she'd been almost sorry about it. But I'll do my best. She poured them both a glass of wine, and she handed him a white terry cloth robe, and they both went to change, and she felt both exhilarated and depressed at the same time. Depressed over what she'd seen of Bill's personal life, and she hoped it wasn't serious between him and that girl ' and depressed about her divorce papers coming in ' and exhilarated to be with Zack. She was always so happy when she was with him. There was something very special about their relationship.

  They both came back to the pool in a few minutes, dressed in identical terry cloth robes, and she turned her back discreetly as he got in, and he swam away as she climbed down the steps, her resplendent body more beautiful than ever in the evening light, and a moment later she was in the pool, and swimming to his side. The water felt wonderful on her skin, and he dove underwater and swam away, and soon they were playing tag, and laughing like kids, forgetting their nakedness, until they stepped out of the pool, and Jane suddenly decided what the hell. She reached for the robe unselfconsciously and put it on and saw that he was watching her soberly.