by A. J. Markam
Is she serious?
I came here for a good time. I didn’t sign up for this shit.
Daidonia stopped fucking me and sighed in irritation. “Sisters, JUMP!”
Nobody jumped.
I looked over at Orlo and asked him silently with my expression, Did you know about this?
He looked at me, equally bewildered. HELL no.
It was the only simpatico moment that had ever passed between me and the little fucker, and it was all about that timeless male complaint: Bitches be crazy.
Apparently not that crazy, though, and not all bitches, because every elf besides Daidonia took a very pronounced step BACKWARDS from the edge of the volcano.
“I told you from the beginning that many would have to die for the cause!” Daidonia shouted.
“Yes, but…” one elf spoke up hesitantly, “…we thought you meant OTHER people.”
“Like him,” another elf said as she pointed to me, and all 500 of the women murmured in agreement.
“Fuckin’ assholes,” I groused under my breath.
“I thought this might happen,” Daidonia sighed. Then she raised her voice in a shout: “War golems – throw them all in!”
WAIT –
WHAT?!
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!
As the elves stood there in shock, staring at their formerly beloved leader, the war golems knelt down and began pushing the women into the volcano.
They shrieked as they fell, then screamed even louder when they hit the magma.
I watched in horror as dozens of elves burst into flames down in the pit.
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!” I screamed at Daidonia. “STOP IT! STOP IT NOW!”
Daidonia just cackled in triumph as she resumed pumping my rod. “COME, OH GREAT GODDESS! CAST THINE EYE UPON THY DAUGHTERS’ SACRIFICE MADE FOR THEE AND THEE ALONE!”
Women were fleeing in every direction, even trying to jump off the side of the mountain to their deaths on the rocks below – anything not to be burned alive. But the war golems just swept them up by the armful and tossed them into the pit.
I looked over at Orlo, who seemed absolutely gobsmacked by what was going on.
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!” I screamed at him. “STOP THEM!”
“I can’t – she has complete control of them.”
“THEN DESTROY THEM! BETTER YET, KILL HER!”
Daidonia paused and looked over at him sharply.
Orlo waved his hand at her and gave her a little frowny face with one eye closed, like, Don’t worry, we’re cool.
Then she went back to humping me.
“YOU’RE GOING TO LET HER MURDER HUNDREDS OF WOMEN?!” I screamed at him.
Orlo shrugged. “If that’s what she bought them for…”
“It’s not murder!” Daidonia howled in orgasmic glee. “It is a sacrifice for the greater good! It is a clarion call for the feminine void!”
I tried desperately to cast Doomsday on Daidonia –
No go. The ropes stopped my spells.
“IF YOU DON’T STOP HER, YOU’RE JUST AS GUILTY AS HER!” I screamed at Orlo.
“Eh,” the gnome said with a shrug, like he could live with that.
“YOU’RE A MASS MURDERER, THEN!”
He grinned. “A very RICH mass murderer!”
I stared at him in shock.
I already knew Orlo was a dick. Alaria had told me, I knew it from firsthand experience, and he’d been willing to help an army of orcs kill and enslave a bunch of innocent people.
But this?
This was –
(No, I’m not going to say ‘inconceivable.’ That’s just fucked up.)
It was abhorrent. It was evil beyond compare.
I watched in abject horror as the war golems continued to throw women into the volcano.
They’d abused me, yes. They’d used me despite my pleas to stop. And they’d admitted to planning to kill me.
But now they were suffering in ways I wouldn’t have wished on my worst enemies.
Scratch that: I would’ve wished it on Orlo and Daidonia – but that was it.
I tried one more attempt at reasoning with the gnome.
Although due to my terror at what was going on, and my absolute hatred of Orlo, my persuasive logic didn’t come out so well.
“YOU LITTLE FUCKING TWERP – DO YOU REALLY THINK THEY’RE A BUNCH OF HARMLESS ECCENTRICS NOW?!”
He just shrugged again. “She’s not actually summoning anything.”
That was when we heard the thunderclap.
The night sky had been clear and filled with stars only moments before, but now there were dark clouds boiling miles above us and flashing with heat lightning.
There was also something inside the clouds.
We could only see the edges of it when the lightning lit up behind it – but it was definitely there. A gigantic oval shape, tapered at the ends like a completely deflated football. Judging from the size, it was at least a mile long.
It looked like the Eye of Sauron, though you couldn’t see the pupil or iris or anything. Just the oval, pointy-tipped shape.
And it was getting closer.
“What the fuck is THAT?!” I yelled.
“BEHOLD THE FEMININE VOID!” Daidonia shrieked in ecstasy. “COME FOR ALL ETERNITY, O FEMININE VOID!”
I stared down at Daidonia. “You mean this feminine void shit is an actual THING?!”
I had thought it was some sort of metaphysical concept, or a slogan like ‘Peace for all mankind.’ Or maybe the women were talking about their hoo-haa’s. You know, a lady’s empty space… down there?
I didn’t realize that there was an actual Feminine Void, capital F, capital V.
I glanced over at Orlo.
He didn’t look quite so complacent anymore. In fact, I would say he seemed a little unsure of whether he’d made as good a business deal as he’d thought.
Daidonia continued to cackle as dying elves screamed down in the pit.
“You have to stop her!” I roared at Orlo. “You can’t just let this happen!”
“Maybe… maybe it’s a nice Feminine Void…” he said hesitantly.
That was when it burst out of the clouds.
And no, it was not a ‘nice’ Feminine Void.
All that shit about the Giant Vulva in the sky?
Yeah. That wasn’t an exaggeration.
It was a monstrous, disembodied, floating pussy.
Yes. You heard that right.
Big-ass labia surrounded by strands of pubic hair, and a clit the size of the Astrodome.
You might be thinking, Come on – I like ‘em human-sized, so how bad could a big one be?
Bad.
BAAAAAAAD.
For one thing, what I originally thought was pubic hair? Wasn’t.
I figured that out when I realized the hairs were moving.
Undulating.
Squirming.
Were those… TENTACLES?!
They were.
Thousands and thousands of writhing tentacles.
Then there were the lips themselves. They weren’t a nice, beautiful pink. They looked pockmarked and diseased, a ghastly black and mottled gray.
And inside the lips? Teeth.
Massive teeth.
Nightmare vagina dentata.
And perhaps worst of all, instead of a beautiful pink clit atop it all, there was a giant eyeball.
A big, bloodshot, jaundiced eyeball with a blood-red iris and a constantly shrinking and expanding pupil.
The eye jerked back and forth rapidly, surveying the world beneath it like a one-eyed tweaker on a three-day meth binge.
It was fucking TERRIFYING.
The individual parts, and the thing as a whole.
Mile-long evil vaginas hovering in the sky: not something you typically wanted to see.
If I made it out of this alive, there was a good chance I was going to be put off of vaginal sex FOREVER.
The only good thing about the situation was that it
was traveling very slowly. It wasn’t hurtling towards the earth like an asteroid, but taking its own sweet time coming.
Which reminded me of ex-girlfriends who had taken a long time to come, too, but that’s another topic.
“Kill it! Or Kill HER!” I screamed at Orlo, gesturing with my head towards Daidonia, who was cackling insanely as she humped my rod. “JUST KILL SOMETHING!”
“I… yes… that might be a good idea,” Orlo said as he stared up at the sky.
He turned towards Daidonia and raised his arms to cast a spell –
“Kill the gnome!” she screamed at the war golems.
Every giant robot turned its attention towards Orlo.
“Eep!” he squeaked as two dozen missile hatches opened at once.
“BUT DON’T KILL ME!” Daidonia screamed.
The closest war golem headed towards us, bent over, and reached out for Orlo as the gnome ran behind my wooden platform.
Black lightning blasted out into the air and slammed into the golem, causing its hit points to drop by about 10%.
“Fight that thing in the sky!” I screamed it Orlo.
“YOU fight it!” Orlo shrieked back. “I’m trying to stay alive!”
Orlo was a badass Warlock, I’ll give him that. Doomsday, Hellfire, Darkbolt, Darkfire, and powers I’d never seen before flew off his fingertips at the rate of one per second.
The problem was, he had designed his mechanical monsters too well. They were too heavily armored for his attacks to do much damage, and as soon as they got down on their hands and knees and began scrounging behind the platform, he had to take his battle plan on the run.
He couldn’t fly off on his magic carpet because of the surface-to-air missiles, so he was reduced to running in between the robot’s legs, trying to avoid its giant metal hands as he cast more spells.
He finally destroyed the war golem – or at least turned it into a nonfunctioning metal statue. There was a WHIR-Whir-whir of an engine cycling down, the glint went out of its goggle eyes, and its head lolled down on its chest as it froze in position, one arm outstretched in the air.
Unfortunately for the gnome, another war golem simply walked over and pushed the dead robot out of the way so it could take its place.
The dead robot leeeaaaned, its metal body shrieking eeeeEEEEEEEE as it tipped over and fell into the boiling cauldron below.
There was a gigantic SPLASH! as the robot hit the lava. Only the left side of its body dipped below the surface. I watched as the molten rock turned the rest of its metal skin bright red, then started to eat away at it.
Metal began to melt and float across the top of the lava like oil on the surface of a puddle, and then it caught fire.
It was a pitiful sight, watching the robot with its arm still outstretched, like Adam reaching towards God on the Sistine Chapel – only there was no God to reach back.
Just a giant monster vagina in the sky. He probably didn’t want to go touching that.
The war golem’s red hot surface oozed apart like taffy as it sank lower and lower into the hellish mire, just like Grung had done in the quicksand.
Grung!
As I watched the metal giant slowly disappear, I was glad Grung had lost his body out on the battlefield and not here. Anywhere but here. In a few minutes, there would be nothing left of the poor bastard down there in the volcano.
Orlo had his own problems. The war golem that had pushed its compatriot into the lava was at full health. And even if Orlo killed it, too, there were another ten robots waiting to take its place.
Then I realized exactly what Orlo’s error was:
He wasn’t fighting the boss.
Which was Daidonia.
At the very least she was a mini-boss, with the giant space vagina being the final Big Bad.
If Orlo took out Daidonia, there was a fair chance that the war golems would stop attacking him.
“Orlo, stop going after the war golems and kill Daidonia!” I roared.
Daidonia stopped humping me and scowled over her shoulder. “SILENCE!”
“Fuck you, bitch!” I snarled at her, then kept yelling at Orlo, “If you kill her, she might lose control of the war golems and they might revert to you!”
“It’s worth a try, I suppose!” Orlo yelled as he darted between a pair of giant metal legs.
Unfortunately, I didn’t fully consider what the repercussions were going to be for advising him.
Daidonia slid off me (AH! Relief!), turned around, and grabbed my erect cock. “Just for that, FOOL, I am going to break off your member and feed it to the Feminine Void!”
Oh SHIT…
Dying I could handle.
But I wasn’t exactly sure I could watch my junk get snapped off and still stay sane.
I knew that as soon as I resurrected it would be fine and back in place – but there are just some things you can’t un-see. The sort of shit that haunted your dreams.
Like Two Girls, One Cup.
“No – wait – stop!” I pleaded.
Daidonia had just begun applying a terrifying amount of pressure to my shaft when I was suddenly saved.
Sort of.
If you can call going from the frying pan into the fire being ‘saved.’
There was the sound of flapping wings, and then a massive black shape slammed down onto the rim of the volcano.
My heart stopped in my chest when the figure turned around.
Shyvock.
42
Soraiya soared above the volcano and circled back around.
SHE’D BROUGHT HIM HERE?!
Suddenly it all became clear:
Soraiya had never meant to tell Orlo about Shyvock in the first place.
She’d brought the Hunter here to kill her master.
The one good thing about the situation was that Daidonia had temporarily forgotten about snapping off my junk.
“What is the meaning of this?!” she yelled.
Shyvock ignored her and instead peered at me. “We meet again, little warlock. I will deal with you later.”
Then he turned towards Orlo.
The gnome was zipping through the nearest war golem’s legs.
“GNOME!” Shyvock thundered. “GIVE ME YOUR GOLD OR DIE!”
“What in damnation is this?!” Orlo snarled, then screamed at the sky, “Soraiya, what have you done?!”
“Forget what I’ve done – what have YOU done?!” she cried out as she pointed up at the tentacled space vulva.
“Behold the Feminine Void, sister!” Daidonia called out, back in preacher mode. “She has come to usher in a new age of feminine rule!”
“…uh, okay…” Soraiya muttered as she swooped through the air.
“Immolate yourself as a sacrifice to Her greatness!” Daidonia commanded.
“I think I’ll pass on that one.”
“Then strike her down!” Daidonia yelled at the war golems.
The robots began batting their arms through the air, trying to smack Soraiya like giant metal flyswatters. She zipped between their flailing limbs and even managed to pop off a fireball at Daidonia as she soared past.
“AAAAAAHH!” the elf screamed as flames exploded against her left shoulder.
Meanwhile, Shyvock nocked three arrows in his bow. Since Alaria had destroyed his main bow back on the Plains of Mor-El, this one must have been a spare.
“I will not tell you again, gnome!” Shyvock yelled. “Give me your gold or die!”
“To the Seven Hells with you!” Orlo shrieked as he continued darting between the golems’ outstretched hands. “You can go stick that bow up your bunghole for all I – ”
THHHP THHHP THHHP.
Shyvock let fly with all three arrows at once, and they hit Orlo in the shoulder as he was darting by.
THOCK THOCK THOCK.
Orlo screamed in pain, and went tumbling head over heels. He looked like an extremely small pincushion with three extra-large needles sticking out of him.
I checked his hit poi
nts. My guess was that they were three of Shyvock’s most powerful non-explosive arrows, and that they would have probably been more than enough to kill me – but together they only wiped out 5% of Orlo’s hit points.
Still – 5% off a Level 90 Warlock in one second was pretty damn impressive.
“That was a warning,” Shyvock said. “Give me your gold, or the next two shots will be aimed at your eye sockets.”
“Wait!” Orlo shrieked as he darted behind the platform I was strapped to. “Haven’t you seen what’s up in the sky?!”
“Yes,” Shyvock said, completely blasé.
“Aren’t you a little more concerned about that than a couple pieces of gold?!”
“Not at all.”
“It’s going to destroy the entire world!”
Shyvock looked up at the approaching space vagina, then turned back to the gnome. “I will deal with it when it gets here. Right now, you are here – and I want my gold.”
“Kill the gnome,” Daidonia cackled, “and I will give you all the gold you could possibly want!”
Shyvock glanced over at her with interest for the first time. “Is that so.”
“Don’t listen to her!” Orlo howled. “She’s the one who summoned that monstrosity in the first place!”
“I do not care, so long as she has gold.”
“She doesn’t have it!” Orlo screamed. “She gave it all to me!”
“Do not listen to him!” Daidonia yelled. “I will reward you with gold beyond your wildest imagining!”
“Where is it? Show it to me.” Then Shyvock tilted his head, and in one of the few jokes I had ever heard him make, he said, “You can only be hiding it in one of two places.”
“I don’t have it at the moment,” Daidonia snarled.
“Because she gave it to me!” Orlo shrieked. “I have it! Now kill her!”
“Last chance,” Shyvock said to the naked elf. “Going once, going twice – ”
“Fool!” Daidonia raged. “When the Feminine Void reaches us, you will be the first to be devoured by her holy – ”
THHHP.
THOCK.
An arrow shot into Daidonia’s eye socket, and half of it disappeared inside her skull.
She might have had charisma out the wazoo, but what she didn’t have were many hit points.
She stopped speaking midsentence… weaved slightly back and forth… then toppled off the rim of the volcano and down into the fiery lake below.
