Joy for Mourning

by Dorothy Clark

  Thad’s heart slammed against his ribs. It couldn’t be too late! He jerked his head up to look at the dark night sky.

  “God, have mercy! I’ve been a fool, Lord! Forgive me my foolish, overweening pride that has kept us from sharing the love you’ve placed in our hearts, and spare Laina! Heal her, dear Lord. Honor Your promise and preserve her to life and I vow to You I will cherish her forever.” He choked on the lump in his throat, swallowed back a rush of tears. “I love her, Lord. I love Laina. Please give me another chance to build a life with her. Have mercy, dear Lord, have mercy….”

  Elizabeth opened her eyes, her heart jolting at sight of the empty space beside her in the bed. She sat up, sweeping her gaze around the room searching for her husband. He was standing at the window that faced toward Twiggs Manor, his hand braced against the frame as he looked out into the night. She slid out of bed and hurried to him. “Are you all right, Justin?”

  He nodded, then draped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close against him as he turned back to look out the window. The tension was gone from his body. She searched his face, looking for a clue as to what had happened to change him. She was afraid to question him for fear it would bring back his angry despair.

  “Look at those stars, Elizabeth. And the moon! Look at the trees and the earth. How did He do it? How did God create all of these things? And then, to make a man…” Justin’s voice trailed off on a note of wonder. “How powerful and mighty God is! How loving and wise.”

  He dropped a kiss on top of her head, then pulled her around in front of him. Elizabeth leaned back against him, reveling in the gentle strength of her husband’s arms as he held her.

  “Laina’s going to be all right, Elizabeth.” Justin’s voice was a soft murmur of quiet conviction against her hair. “I woke up a little while ago, feeling an urgent need to pray for her, and then, while I was praying, I suddenly knew she was going to be all right.” His voice was filled with awe. “I don’t know how I know, but I know. Laina’s going to be all right.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Their joined hands were pressing into his cheek, making the side of his face numb. He’d dozed off! Thad forced his gritty, sleep-deprived eyes open, squinting them against the bright sunlight pouring through the branches of the tree outside the window. Silence pressed against his eardrums, sending terror surging through him. Laina wasn’t struggling to breathe! Panic jolted him fully awake.

  The chill that raced through him stopped his heart, congealed his blood. Thad jerked his head up off the bed, the fingers of his hand holding Laina’s automatically sliding upward to seek a pulse as he looked at her face. The flush was gone.

  Her pulse throbbed steadily beneath his fingertips.

  Thad’s heart jolted to life, thumping out a wild dance of thanksgiving, sending his blood roaring through his veins. The crisis was past! Laina was breathing more easily, sleeping normally. She was going to live!

  “Thank you, Lord Jesus!” The shout ripped from Thad’s throat as he vaulted to his feet, spreading his arms wide and looking up toward the ceiling.

  Laina jerked and opened her eyes. Light stabbed into them. She closed them to mere slits and stared up at Thad. He was unshaven and unkempt, his head was thrown back and he was staring up at the ceiling laughing like a madman. “Thad?” His name came out as a hoarse croak. She started to cough.

  “Laina!”

  In an instant Thad was bending over her, his hand touching her forehead, brushing her cheek. He snatched a cup from a small table, slid his arm beneath her shoulders and lifted her, holding the cup to her lips.

  She didn’t want any more of that horrid tea, but her mouth was so parched she swallowed, anyway. It was tea—real, delicious tea, even if it was cold. She drank it all, enjoying the feel of it moistening her mouth and sliding down her throat. Why did her throat feel so sore and raspy? “Do I—” Her voice cracked. She tried again. “Do I have the measles yet?”

  “Do you have—? Oh, Laina—”

  He was laughing again. And was he hugging her? The empty cup fell onto the bed as Thad’s hand slid up to the back of her head. He drew her close and laid his head against her hair, murmuring her name. Laina stiffened with panic. She must be horribly ill. She was hallucinating!

  Thad’s arms immediately relaxed their grip. He looked down at her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I forgot myself. Are you all right?”

  Laina nodded, relieved she wasn’t hallucinating, but too nonplussed to speak. Why was Thad acting this way? She turned her head and glanced across the room, then squinted up at him. “Why am I not in my bed?”

  He stroked her hair. “I moved you by the window so the fresh air could help you breathe easier. You’ve been very sick.” His fingers brushed against her jaw.

  “I have?” Maybe that accounted for the tingles streaking along her nerves. Maybe it wasn’t his touch.

  “Yes. You frightened me.” She looked adorable! Squinty-eyed, mussed, tousled, confused and absolutely adorable! Thad sucked in a deep breath, reining in his emotions. More than anything in the world he wanted to crush her to him, claiming her lips in a kiss that would give vent to his overwhelming love for her, but that would have to wait. She had to be well—truly well—before that could be. For now, he would have to content himself with holding her. His arms tightened.

  Laina’s eyes widened. She stared up at him. “Wh-what are you doing?”

  “Something I’ve wanted to do from the moment I first saw you standing in the street over Billy, demanding Henry Rhodes take him to a doctor. I’m holding you in my arms.” His control broke. “Laina, have you no idea how much I love you?”

  Her mouth gaped open and she went completely slack in his arms. “What did you say?”

  “I said I love you.” He held her astonished gaze with his. “Now and forever, I love you.” In her eyes he saw her confusion, saw the very instant that she understood. To his horror, she burst into tears. She began to shake, sobbing and coughing until she gasped for breath and went limp.

  “Laina, don’t cry! Please don’t cry! You’re too weak. You’ll make yourself ill again.” Thad could have cut out his tongue. He drew her close against his chest, tucking her head beneath his chin. “I’m sorry, Laina. Please forgive me. I’m a clumsy oaf, speaking about my love when you’ve been so sick. Please don’t cry. Everything can wait until you’re strong and well. Shh…shh, my love, shh…”

  Exhaustion overtook her. He sensed her trying to fight it, trying not to succumb to the seduction of sleep, but she was too frail. She gave a long sigh and fell asleep in his arms.

  “Thank You, Lord. Thank You for bringing Laina through the crisis. Help her to become fully well and strong again, I pray.” Thad whispered the words against Laina’s hair, then reluctantly lowered her to her pillow. He had a lot to do before she woke again. He lifted the cup from the bed and set it on the table, then picked up the basin of water and headed for the dressing room. His steps slowed. He paused beside Laina’s bed, frowning. His cleanliness theory was proving true, and he wanted to change the linens, put Laina back in her clean bed and set the sheets and blankets on the chaise outside the door with his pallet for laundering. But what about Laina herself?

  Thad strode to the head of the bed, yanked the bellpull, then hurried on to the dressing room to get rid of the bowl. When Beaumont arrived, he would send him for Laina’s maid to wash her and change her gown. He would also have him order some nourishing soup made and send news of Laina’s recovery to her brother. As for him, he would set the room to rights, and when all was done, bathe and shave.

  Thad glanced in the mirror over the washstand and lifted his hand to scrub at the five days’ accumulation of stubble on his chin. A smile curved his lips. It felt good to think about ordinary, everyday things again.

  Something was tickling her cheek. Laina frowned and brushed back the strand of hair that was fluttering in the warm autumn breeze coming in the window. The simple movement tired her. Wh
y was she so weak? She rested quietly a moment, then summoned the strength to open her eyes.

  “Good afternoon. How do you feel?” Thad smiled at her from his chair beside her bed. A neatly dressed, clean-shaven Thad.

  So it had all been a dream. Laina stared up at the tester overhead and swallowed back a rush of tears. It was for the best that Thad not love her, considering her barren condition, so why did she feel like crying? How selfish a person she was! She faced back his way and forced a smile. “I feel thirsty. And tired.” She frowned. “Why is my voice so raspy?”

  “It’s from the cough.” Thad laid aside what looked like a journal he’d been writing in and went to the fireplace, pouring tea from a kettle resting on its iron trivet over a pile of hot coals. He stirred in some honey, then came and slid his arm under her shoulders and held the cup to her lips. “It’s not hot, only nicely warm.”

  She took a tentative sip. The tea tasted wonderful, and felt even better going down her throat. But it couldn’t compare to the comfort and strength of Thad’s arm about her. She pushed away the thought and took another swallow of tea. “That’s enough.”

  Tears welled up when he nodded and removed his arm. Laina blinked them away. If only she felt stronger she wouldn’t be so weepy! She took a breath, coughed, then sagged into the pillows behind her, feeling like a wrung-out rag. “When will I be over the measles?”

  “They’re already fading away.”

  Thad reached for her hand, his fingers sliding to her wrist as he took her pulse. How warm and strong his hand was. Laina resisted the impulse to curl her fingers up to touch his. “Fading away? How can that be? I’ve only been ill—” she flushed at thought of the two days when she’d hidden her symptoms from him “—a short while.”

  “No, Laina. It’s been several days.” His gaze held hers. “You should have told me when you became ill. If you’d gone to bed right away you might not have developed pneumonia.”

  “Pneumonia!” She wasn’t sure if her heart was fluttering because of the startling news or because of the look in Thad’s eyes, but she knew her breathlessness was caused by his hand sliding down and enfolding hers.

  “You frightened me.”

  There was a tremor in his voice. Laina fought to keep hers steady. “I did?”

  He nodded, sat on the edge of her bed. “I thought I was going to lose you.”

  She cleared her throat. “I’m sorry. I know how you hate to lose a patient.”

  “Not a patient, Laina. You.” He lifted their joined hands, kissed hers. “I love you. I’ve loved you from the day I first saw you standing over Billy, demanding care for him.”

  It wasn’t a dream after all! Laina’s heart thudded. Joy flooded her soul, followed immediately by despair. She blinked back tears. For once she would be grateful for what she had instead of demanding more. Thank You, Lord, for this moment. Thank You for allowing me to experience what it feels like to be loved by this wonderful man. She drew in a breath. “I’m honored, Thad, truly. But you mustn’t love me.”

  “Because you’re barren?”

  His voice was soft, warm, loving—but oh, how those words hurt. Laina nodded and looked away, too choked up to speak.

  Thad took her other hand. “Look at me, Laina.”

  She blinked away the tears and turned her head back toward him. He drew both her hands to his chest. “Do you feel that, Laina? That’s the steady, solid beat of a heart that loves you.” His eyes held hers. “I don’t care if you’re barren. I don’t want you for any reason other than I love you and want to be with you for the rest of my life.”

  Tears overflowed her eyes, running down her cheeks. “But Thad, you—”

  “No, Laina. I want you.” A slow smile spread across his face and twinkled in his eyes. “And you already have forty-seven children. That’s enough for any man.” His heart thudded beneath her hands as his smile faded away. “Laina Randolph Brighton, I love you. And though I have little in the way of worldly goods to offer you, will you do me the honor of being my wife?”

  Chapter Nineteen

  “So what is your answer going to be?”

  Laina looked up at Justin. “I don’t know, dearheart. I don’t know what is the right thing to do. That’s why I came over seeking advice. All I know is the love in Thad’s eyes when he asked me to marry him made it impossible for me to say no to him. But I couldn’t say yes, either.”

  Laina stirred on the garden bench and glanced at her brother and Elizabeth. “Am I being selfish to want to marry him? I know Thad says he doesn’t care if I’m barren, but in a few years…”

  “Laina, listen to me.” Justin reached out and took her hand in his. “You know how much I love James, but I love Sarah and Mary every bit as much. And I would want Elizabeth for my wife if we never had a child.” He let go and reached for his wife’s hand. “I love her. I need her. I want to be with her forever. It’s that simple.”

  “Truly, dearheart?”

  “Truly.” His gaze held hers. “Thad isn’t Stanford, Laina. If you marry it will be because you love one another, not because of mutual respect only. And unlike Stanford, Thad’s not going to distance himself from you because you can’t produce an heir for him. He’s asked you to be his wife knowing that’s impossible.”

  Tears stung her eyes. Laina rose to her feet, pulling her fur-trimmed velvet coat close against the crisp October air. Thad had made her promise not to get chilled. Thad. He’d been so patient these past few weeks, saying everything could wait until she was well again, but he was coming tonight for her answer. Oh, Lord, don’t let me hurt Thad. I love him. Help me know what is right to do for him.

  “I think we’d better go inside, Laina.”

  Laina glanced down as Justin rose and took hold of her elbow, turning her toward his house. He must have seen her shiver. He was so protective of her since she’d been ill. Her heart swelled. She no longer took the blessing of his brotherly love for granted. “All right, dearheart.”

  “Why don’t you turn the situation around, Laina?” Elizabeth moved over to walk beside her. “It might help you to understand Thad’s feelings and clarify your own.”

  Laina frowned. “I don’t understand what you mean, but I’m willing to do anything that will help me get rid of these feelings of guilt and doubt so I can make a decision.”

  “All right.” Elizabeth smiled at her as they climbed the steps to the back porch. “Tell me this. If you weren’t barren and had no children and you knew Thad was unable to father any for you, would you marry him?”

  “Well, of course I would!” Laina all but sputtered with indignation. “I love him! And I— Oh.” Her eyes widened. Elizabeth and Justin grinned at her. She burst into laughter and hugged her sister-in-law. “Elizabeth Randolph, you are the wisest woman I know.”

  Justin laughed. “I’ve been telling her that for the last two years. Now, let’s get inside, Laina. Thad will have my hide if I let you catch a chill.” He pulled open the door and ushered her into the house.

  He was here!

  At the sound of Thad’s voice in the entrance hall, Laina jumped to her feet and hurried to the mirror hanging on the wall of the parlor. A faint scent of roses was released as she gave a light pat to the dark brown curls piled atop her head and skimmed her gaze over her face. She looked slightly panicked. She inhaled deeply to calm the nervous quivering in her stomach and turned from the mirror.

  She should sit down. No! She should stand by the window, looking casual….

  “Good evening, Laina.”

  Her legs made her decision for her. They lost all strength as Thad walked into the room. The long skirt of her cherry-red watered-silk taffeta gown poofed out around her as she collapsed into a chair. A flush climbed her throat and warmed her cheeks as she smoothed the skirt into place. “Good evening, Thad. I see no emergency has detained you.” What an inane thing to say! The heat in her cheeks increased.

  Thad stopped a few steps away, looking down at her. “Yes. No emergency tonigh
t.” His gaze fastened on hers. “Red suits you, Laina. You look beautiful in it.” He took a step closer. “But then, you always look beautiful. Inside and out, you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known.”

  Warmth rushed through her. Laina clasped her hands in her lap as they began to tremble.

  Thad took another step, leaned down and took her hands in his. Her lungs stopped functioning. The insane thought that she had survived pneumonia only to die because she went breathless at Thad’s touch flashed through her mind as he knelt in front of her.

  “Let’s get to the purpose of my visit, shall we? I didn’t come here for polite conversation, Laina. I came for your answer.” His voice was soft, mesmerizing. She got lost in the love glowing in his eyes. “Will you marry me?”

  Laina struggled to gather her disjointed thoughts, to find her voice. It was only fair to give him one last chance to change his mind. “I’d come to you barren, but with fifty-three children attached.” A whisper was the best she could achieve. She finally managed a breath. “If that’s acceptable—and I’ll understand if it’s not—then…yes, I’ll marry you.”

  Flames flickered deep in Thad’s eyes. He rose, gently pulled her to her feet and slid his arms around her. “Fifty-three now, is it?” A delicious shiver of anticipation tingled through Laina as he lifted her chin and lowered his head. “So what is our newest child—a son or a daughter?”

  She couldn’t remember. But it didn’t matter. Thad’s mouth hovered over hers, awakening emotions she’d never before experienced, and her ability to speak had disappeared altogether.

  “I love you, Laina.”