Worth the Wait

by JB Heller

  Ellie’s body solidifies. “Explain,” she demands, pulling out of my embrace and creating distance between us once more.

  Chewing on the inside of my bottom lip, I try to find the right words to tell her what happened, without hurting her more than I already have. My shoulders slump when I realise there is no easy way to say it. I can’t even look her in the eyes when I utter, “We slept together, about eight months ago.”

  The tension between our bodies is palpable, so intense it’s almost suffocating as it fills the space around us. Not able to stand her silence any longer, I glance to her. Red silk waves hang around her face, hiding it from site. I want desperately to tuck it back behind her shoulder but hold myself in check.

  Finally, she breaks her silence, “Eight months ago. We met just over six months ago,” she says, nodding to herself. As if reassuring herself that this was all before we even knew each other.

  My throat is dry. I wish I’d put out cups of water or soda with our now stone-cold dinner. Rubbing my sweaty palms up and down my cargo shorts, I confirm, “Yes, it was before I even met you. The second I laid eyes on you, Red, there was nobody else in this world for me, not even Lu.”

  Her spine straightens at my admission. “So you thought you were in love with her until you saw me? Is that what you’re saying?” Her tone is cold and my heart rate accelerates.

  “Umm…yes and no,” I mumble, unsure how to dig myself out of this hole.

  Ellie’s head whips around so she can glare at me. I want to shrink back from the raging inferno blazing in her eyes, but I hold my ground. This is a part of me, part of how I came to be who I am today. Clearing my throat, I explain, “I was already questioning how I thought I felt about her before we met,” I gesture between us. “It’s not like I met you and just forgot about her. It was never like that between Lu and me.”

  Tipping her chin to the side, her glare remains fixed on me, she looks like she’s poised to attack at any moment. “No? So, if it wasn’t like that between you, why did you fuck her, Zak?” Pain drips from her tone but her rage is what really stands out to me. If I didn’t know she couldn’t stand to touch me right now, I’d think she was getting ready to murder me with her bare hands.

  My eyes widen when it occurs to me that she may see what happened between Lu and I as the same thing her ex’s have done to her. Fuck. Every word out of my mouth just seems to make things worse.

  Scrubbing my hands over my face I meet her pained gaze, knowing I need to tell her everything and just hope she sees how this is different than what she has experienced in the past. “We were drunk, she had a huge fight with her boyfriend, and she came here. The guy is a prick, and he’s into shady as fuck shit. He’d gotten rough with her. She knocked on my door, holding a bottle of Tequila and sporting a fresh bruise around her bicep. I almost lost it.” The memory slams into me like a kick in the guts, my muscles tensing on instinct.

  I have to grit my teeth and take deep pulls of fresh air through my nose until I’ve reigned myself back in. The emotions that ran through me that night resurface every time I think about it. When I’m calmer, I drop my eyes to the floor and continue, “I wanted to go kick his ass, but I couldn’t leave Lu like that. She’d already drank a quarter of the Tequila before she’d arrived. She wasn’t crying or upset, she was just there. I think she was lost in her own thoughts, lost to the past we had shared.”

  Chancing a look at Red’s expression I’m relieved to see the fire that had been burning through her seems to have simmered to a smoulder. It’s still there but not blazing. I reach my hand towards her, hoping she’ll take it, but she doesn’t. Dropping mine back to the couch between us, I keep talking.

  “I’ve been protecting Lu since we were kids, it’s what I’ve always done. But somewhere along the line I got confused about my feelings where she was concerned. I mistook my love of her for being in love with her. I can’t even tell you when it happened because I don’t know.” I swallow, my throat dry as a desert by this point, “I need a drink of water, do you want anything while I’m up?” I ask her.

  “Whiskey, if you have it,” she deadpans. “I’m going to need it if this conversation lasts much longer.”

  Nodding, I push to my feet and take off to the kitchen. I can still see her from here and I keep my eyes on her as I move about the open plan space. Filling a glass with water from the tap, I scull it and refill it, then pull down a bottle of Glenfiddich with two tumblers.

  Ellie startles at the loud crack of the ice from its tray. “Sorry,” I mumble as I go about filling the whiskey glasses half way with ice, then gather it all into my arms and return to the couch, placing it on the coffee table.

  She’s stopped looking at me, and I hope she’s processing my words. I hope she can see it was just the confusion of feeling so much for another person, from such a young age and without the proper guidance, that made me think I was in love with Lu.

  I pour us both a drink then slide Ellie’s towards her. She doesn’t take it until I remove my hand from the glass, then she knocks back the whole thing straight up. Slamming the glass back down on the table, she gives it a hard nudge, sending it sliding across the smooth surface back to me.

  Red’s gorgeous face is so torn up with confusion, compassion, and maybe even jealousy? It’s crushing to watch her fight her way through these emotions and not be able to hold her. So I do what I can to ease her distress and refill her whiskey. When I move the tumbler back to her side of the table again I wait to see if she will annihilate this one too, but she takes a small sip, then cradles it between her palms.

  In one chug I drink half of my water. “So, Lu was at my house, we got drunk and I blurted something stupid like I’d always wanted to kiss her or something like that. She leaned over and kissed me, and yeah, things progressed. The next morning when I woke up, she was gone, and that was that.”

  Ellie’s frown deepens. “What? That’s it? Just like that? You didn’t call her? Try to see her?”

  I shake my head, dropping my gaze to the mat beneath the coffee table. “Not right away, I was ashamed and embarrassed. I couldn’t face her. Maybe if she hadn’t of run out while I was sleeping, we could have talked it out, but that’s not how it went down. I called her the next day, and the one after that. Every day for a week straight, I called. Eventually I left her a voicemail, apologising for taking advantage of her when she was in a bad place with her relationship. And basically begged her to forgive me.”

  Swallowing hard, I hammer the last nail in my coffin. “About a month later she text me, said everything was fine and it was as much her fault as mine. I disagree, but I wasn’t about to snap the olive branch she was offering. I’ve only seen her once since then, I told you about it. And when you asked to meet her, I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t ready to tell you everything and I certainly didn’t want you to see how awkward things between her and I were. I thought in time, things would return to normal and I’d introduce you two, then tackle the subject after you’d met. That way you’d know it was all just a drunken mistake.”

  Wrapping my fingers around my whiskey I take a long pull of the amber liquid, closing my eyes as it burns its way down my throat. Keeping my eyes closed, I lean back into the couch cushions behind me, holding my drink steady on my thigh. “There it is. That’s everything,” I tell Ellie, my throat thick with regret. Talking about this shit is fucking exhausting.

  Now that this conversation is over, I’m whipped out, utterly spent. That’s everything I have, out on the table for Red to decide if she wants to keep me or not. My chest aches in a way that only losing the one you’re supposed to spend your life with can. I always knew this would be the point where my little Red would either accept all of me, or cut her losses and run.

  I’m fucked up, I accept it, it’s part of me. Nobody who grows up in the foster system comes out the other side without their fair share of scars. Most of mine are on the inside, hidden in the darkest parts of my soul. If Ellie choses to stay, she’s
going to have to meet my demons, and I don’t know what’s worse: putting her through that, or letting her walk away.

  Chapter Seven

  ELLIE

  We sit in silence after Zak finishes telling me about having sex with the woman he previously told me was like his sister.

  I don’t know what to do with this, with any of it. It’s sure as shit a lot more than I was expecting when I said we needed to talk about it. Sipping my drink, I let my mind run through everything he just said and compile a mental list. None of my thoughts are in order, my mind picking out random parts of the conversation to focus on. For every positive, I also find an equal negative.

  But the one thing I keep coming back to is that he feels like it was a drunken mistake. Should I believe him, or question it? Tugging my bottom lip between my pointer finger and thumb I gnaw on the opposite edge as I think it over. He hasn’t lied to me before, not really. He omitted the truth when I asked about meeting Lulu, but now I know the full story, I guess I understand his reasons.

  There are just two things I need answers to. Turning to face him, I speak for the first time in I’m not sure how long. “I have some questions,” I tell him.

  Zak nods, cracking one eye open to look at me. “Okay, I’ll tell you whatever you need to know.”

  I swallow down my apprehension. “After you slept with her, did you want to make things work and start a physical relationship?” A battle rages inside of me, one part needing this truth, the other not wanting to hear his answer in case it makes everything worse.

  My fear is squashed the second Zak opens his mouth, “No. Straight up I knew we weren’t meant to be that person for each other. Sleeping with Lu is what cleared up my feelings towards her. Until that moment, I still questioned if what I felt was familial love, or romantic love. I know now, without a doubt in my mind, all I’ve ever felt for her is Storge.”

  I raise my brows, unequivocally confused. “What now? I was following until that last part.” Zak’s cheeks flush pink and my eyes widen. He just told me something super personal yet now is when his skin flushes like that.

  Running his hand through his hair he looks, dare I say it, bashful. He clears his throat, sitting upright now. “While I was trying to figure all this shit out I did a fair bit of research. I didn’t have a healthy relationship to reference when examining my feelings so yeah, I looked to Google. The ancient Greeks believed there are eight types of love. The four elemental ones being Eros, Philia, Storge, and Agape and well yeah…” He shrugs, “Storge is familial or empathic love.”

  My breath catches in my throat and my lips part in wonder at his words, yet I’m unable to find any of my own. My eyes lock on his handsome face, unable to look away. Blinking rapidly, my heart yearns to be nearer to him as his truth sinks into my soul, he doesn’t know how to love.

  I’m heartbroken for my beautifully fractured man who never fails to make me feel so wanted, so needed. “You were really conflicted about it, weren’t you?” It’s a stupid thing to say, but it’s all that comes out of my mouth. Zak is not a soft, mushy, kind of man. So, the fact he felt the need to turn to Google to figure out his feelings is telling enough.

  He frowns at me. “You’re just getting that now?”

  I shake my head, the other question I wanted to ask fades into the background, now rendered inconsequential. “No, I mean, kinda? I listened to everything you had to say, but it’s what you just said that tells me everything I really needed to know.”

  His dark brown eyebrows shoot up. “How so?”

  Sadness consumes me and tears fill my eyes, this man is too much sometimes. “How could you have known what you felt, if you didn’t know what love was to begin wi-ith?” I ask, chocking on the last word.

  Zak blinks at me, then again, his hand lifts towards me but he hesitates before making contact. “Can I?” he asks, “Can I hold you now?”

  I launch into his open arms, the impact of my body pushing him back into the cushions. “I’m sorry you haven’t had the life and love you deserve. But I promise, from here on out, I will do everything I can to shower you in all the love you’ve missed,” I tell him, a tear slipping from the corner of my eye. He rearranges me on his lap so I’m sitting across it, my legs coming to rest on the couch beside him.

  “I love you, Zak. I’ve just been so afraid of getting hurt again,” I sniffle, gripping his face in my palms, “I’m still afraid but I can’t not love you,” I smile then graze my lips over his.

  His Adam’s apple bobs as my hands slide down over his sharp cheekbones to the taut tendons in his neck. “I love you,” I whisper into his ear, then run the tip of my nose over his face to the opposite ear, “In whatever form the Greeks say means forever.”

  “Pragma,” he whispers back, “Pragma is hard work, compromise, patience, and tolerance. It’s enduring love that transcends all others,” he tells me in a hushed murmur, nuzzling my neck. “I thought I’d lost you, Red. I thought you realised you’re too good for me, and you were going to walk. But I can’t let you go, not now. We’ve only just begun, and you’re already the best thing to ever happened to me.”

  I blink my tears away. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me about what was going on. My life has been so blessed, I’ve always known that, but you’ve made me see how much I take for granted. I’ll never judge you, Zak. I promise, I will always try to see things from your perspective before I jump to conclusions again.”

  He drops his head to my shoulder, burying his face in my hair. “I want so desperately to tell you how much I love you. But, Red, I’m afraid it’s too good to be true. That if I say it out loud, something will happen to fuck it all up.”

  How did I not realise how deeply damaged he is? He hides it so well. But now I see him, the version of himself I doubt anybody else has seen before, I’ll never look at him the same way again.

  My fingernails scratch lightly over his arm tightly wrapped around my middle. I love the way he holds me with so much tenderness and unmistakeable possession.

  A loud gurgling sound fills the room, and my eyes shoot to my stomach, mortification spreading across my cheeks as my stomach ruins such a life altering moment. “Umm, I guess I’m a little hungry,” I mumble, and Zak laughs into my neck.

  “I’m starving, but not for food,” he utters. When he draws his face away from my neck to look at me, his grin is downright wicked. A shiver of anticipation skitters across my skin.

  Licking my lips, I open my mouth to tell him I am down for anything when my stomach growls again. Closing my eyes, I hang my head and cover my face, “I’m clearly going to need food first,” I tell him, then peek at him through the gaps in my fingers.

  He’s smiling so bright I have to kiss him. Then I jump off his lap to snatch up one of the takeout containers from the coffee table. Stabbing into the delicious smelling chicken dish, I waste no time stuffing a fork full in my mouth, making Zak chuckle. “Wha’?” I mutter around the food in my mouth.

  Shaking his head back and forth slowly he just keeps smiles at me. “Nothing. I just really like having you around. You’re funny as shit, Red. Especially when you’re hungry.”

  I shrug as I devour another mouthful of food. He can think I’m funny if he wants. Truth is, I can be myself around him, no need to act the perfect woman role for him. It’s always been natural between us.

  Half the chicken dish is gone when I think to ask, “You want some?” I tilt the container in my hands towards him.

  He reaches for one of the other containers on the coffee table. “Nah, you have that one, there’s plenty here.” We eat in comfortable silence for a few minutes then Zak asks, “So, we’re good, Red? You and me?”

  Finishing off the last piece of chicken in my tub, I plop the empty container back on the table in front of us, then turn to face him. “Yeah, big man, we’re good. In fact, I’d say we’re better than good,” I smile up at him and my heart melts with the look in his dark brown eyes. He
loves me. I can see it there, mirroring my own feelings, warming me all the way to my guarded heart.

  ZAK

  I didn’t expect for this night to take a turn in this direction, but I it feels right. Everything in the universe has aligned and Ellie is here with me, and she fucking loves me.

  My heart thuds in my chest, licking my lips I lean forward, pressing my mouth to the side of her throat. “I’m still hungry,” I murmur. The tiny hairs raise on the side her neck and a shiver rolls through her tiny body, encouraging me. “Stay tonight Red,” I tell her again, afraid she changed her mind between our time in my bed and our conversation.

  “Okay,” she whispers, her hand sliding up the back of my neck and into my hair. “Take me to bed, Zak.”

  No sweeter words have ever been spoken.

  Lifting Red in my arms, I cradle her against my chest as I walk us to my room. She nuzzles my neck, sucking and biting softly as we go, turning me on more by the second. Reaching my room, I lower her to her feet, keeping my hands curled around her petite hips I stare down into her gorgeous eyes.

  “Zak,” she breathes, “I’m ready. More ready than I’ve ever been in my life. Make love to me big man.” Red waggles her brows and smiles brightly up at me.

  “I know Red, I feel it too. I am going to make you feel so good. I want to ruin you for other men. I only ever want you to think of me when you’re hot and bothered. Me and you, Red. Just us from here on out.”

  Emotion shines in her gaze, “I already feel that way, you’re everything I’ll ever need,” she says, pushing up to her tiptoes then waiting for me to lower my head so she can catch my lips in a promising kiss.