“Unconditionally,” said Allie.
“That's right,” I added. “The same way God loves us.”
It's not much of a plan, but for the time being it's all we have. Well, that and a lot of prayer. Once again it feels as if Redemption hangs in the balance. Will we ever get beyond these challenges, or will our band simply become obsolete before we have a chance to really make it big? To be perfectly honest, it makes me mad. Ifot at Laura exactly, because if she's really using drugs, I know she must be feeling totally horrible. Kaybe I'm mad at Satan, because I know, according to God's Word, that he wants to destroy us. And I'm sure drugs could do that. So I'll set my heart to continue loving Laura despite all this and trust God with the rest.
DESPITE IT ALL
we blow it
once again
same mistake
same old sin
you would think
we would learn
to avoid
the same old burn
but we trip
then we fall
on our face
before all
with eyes shut
how we stumble
foot in mouth
how we bumble
despite all
Jesus lives
takes our hands
and forgives
picks us up
makes us new
loves despite
the things we do
cm
Eighteen
Wednesday, December 15
(BROKEN IN BALTIMORE)
I feel as if I've been walking on eggshells the past couple days—trying to love Laura, attempting to encourage her, and yet constantly offending her. Or so it seems. I don't understand why she's so defensive. Doesn't she know how much we love her? Yet no matter what I say, she seems to take it the wrong way. I complimented her on her outfit yesterday, and she went and changed her clothes!
She also seems very secretive, or maybe she just wants her privacy, which I can sort of understand because I'm a fairly private person myself. But the last few days she's either locked in the bedroom in the back of the bus, or on her cell phone, or just plain checked out behind a book. And this makes it difficult to “keep an eye on her” like Willy suggested. Worse than that, it seems to confirm my suspicions. I feel fairly certain that she's using something.
How I must say that it still seems very weird to think this about her. After all, Laura is the last person on the planet you would ever suspect to have a drug problem. She never liked being around the kids who were known to use either drugs or alcohol. In fact, she didn't even like to be around anyone who smoked. Laura used to be a real zero-tolerance kind of girl. I wish that were still true, but deep in my gut I really believe she's using.
However, I've decided not to discuss this with anyone for the time being, Ifot until we know something for sure. I'm hoping that Willy and Allie will come to their own conclusions. Also, Elise and Rosy have been informed that we might have trouble.
I think I've gotten over feeling mad about this whole nasty business, and the fact that Laura might have a drug problem doesn't make me love her any less. If anything, I think I love her more because I can see how vulnerable she is right now. Not that I approve of drugs. I certainly do NOT. I've seen way too many lives wrecked because of drugs. Including my brother Galeb's.
But it still bugs me that Laura won't come clean and admit that something's up. Of course, at the same time, this also makes me question myself. I've actually wondered whether I had just imagined the whole thing. Like maybe Laura was getting framed for something she hadn't even done. Grud, I'm sure that alone could make you act pretty weird. But something happened tonight that makes me believe I must be right.
We were in the middle of our performance in Baltimore when Laura started falling apart. First she was just missing it on bass and fading out on vocals. But then she quit playing altogether in the middle of our “Safety Zone” song—which really needs a strong bass, not to mention her voice, to make it sound good. Anyway, Allie and I managed to finish up the song, but I know it must've sounded pretty lame.
Then I turned around to look at Laura, and she was standing there with tears streaming down her face. So, feeling rattled and nervous, I started talking to the audience. Thinking I'd buy her some time to get herself back together, I tried to use this moment to connect with the crowd. Besides, I reminded myself, it's not that odd to take a little break to talk to the audience in the middle of a concert. Cool things can happen when we do that.
“You know, I need to remind you that we're real people,” I told them. “Sometimes when you're just jiving at a concert, you forget that the bands onstage are made up of living, breathing people. We can get tired or bummed or even constipated occasionally.” This brought a few good laughs. “But I guarantee you that we are very real. And like you guys, we have very real problems.”
About this time Michael came onto the stage and started whispering something to Laura. He already had his bass strapped on, and I could tell he was offering to step in for her.
“And tonight our bass player, Laura Kitchell, is having a really tough time. But normally she is the hottest bass player around…” Then I nodded in Kichael's direction. “Well, other than Michael White from Iron Gross, that is.” At the sound of that name the crowd burst into cheers and applause, Michael took a cheesy little bow, and Laura slipped backstage.
“You gonna join us girls tonight, Michael?” I asked.
He grinned. “If you'll have me.”
I turned to the crowd. “What do you think? Will we have Michael White, the bass player from Iron Gross?”
Naturally they all cheered wildly, and we began to play again. I realized that Michael didn't know all our songs, but he's such a great bass player that he just jumped right in and really jammed with us. Of course, he didn't know the lyrics, but he did a good job adding his own creative bits of harmony, and I don't think we sounded too bad. What could^e been a total disaster actually turned into a pretty cool performance. Thank God!
Laura had already returned to the hotel by the time we finished up. Willy put her in a cab, then called Elise and instructed her to meet Laura in the lobby.
“What're we gonna do now?” Allie asked as the three of us huddled backstage.
“Should we end the tour?”I spoke the words I hated to hear.
“I don't know.” Willy sighed and shook his head. “Maybe so. It looks like Laura is falling apart on us.”
“I wish she'd tell us what's going on,” I said. “I don't even care if it is drugs. I just want her to be honest about it.”
Willy rubbed his chin. “We may need to confront her. Ifot tonight though. I have a feeling she'll be too wiped out to talk. We'll have a meeting of the minds in the morning.”
“Do you need to let Omega know?” I asked weakly. “Will they cancel our contract now?”
“I'm not sure what our next step should be. Let's all pray about it, and then tomorrow we'll do what needs to be done. We still don't know for sure that Laura's using anything. She may just be stressed out.”
“Do you really believe that?” asked Allie.
He looked at the floor. “No, not really.”
And so I've been praying for Laura all night. Willy was right; she had crashed by the time we got back to the hotel. I'm sure she didn't want to see any of us.
TRUTH HURTS
sometime it's hard
to face the facts
to tell the truth
to feel the ax
sometimes it's tough
to own your mess
to say i failed
to just confess
the truth can hurt
you'll feel the pain
but when it's done
you'll see the gain
you'll see the load's
been taken 'way
and you can face
another day so though it hurts
momentarily
embrace the Truth
and be set free!
cm
Friday, December 17
(BOSTON BLUES)
We confronted Laura yesterday morning. We knew we had a full day of travel ahead of us, and Willy suggested we just get it over with right after we finished breakfast in the hotel restaurant.
I have to say that Tve never seen Laura looking so blue before. It's as if her face were hanging clear down to her knees. She hadn't said a single word and barely touched her food. I really felt sorry for her, but I think we handled it just right.
“We need to pray,” announced Willy after Elise and Davie excused themselves to see that our stuff was getting loaded onto the bus. Rosy remained at the table with us. She's been a solid support to Laura through this whole ordeal. She told me that she had an aunt who got hooked on heroine at a young age and died of an overdose while still in her twenties. She understands this stuff.
Willy began to pray. “Dear God, please open our hearts right now and let us speak with honesty and love. We invite Your presence and ask You to guide us through what could be a difficult conversation. In Jesus” name we pray. Amen.”
Laura's head remained bowed as Willy cleared his throat and started to speak. “Laura, we are all very concerned for you.”
She continued looking down at her plate, and the rest of us just waited for Willy to continue.
“We know you're having a struggle, and it looks like you are losing. We love you like a sister, and when you're hurting, we are all hurting. We just want to do whatever it takes to get you through this.”
Laura slowly lifted her head to reveal two streams of tears streaking her bronzed cheeks. Her eyes looked tired and sad, and her chin was quivering. “I'm sorry,” she managed to sputter.
Rosy handed her a tissue and put her hand on Laura's shoulder. “It's okay, baby. Go ahead and get it out.”
Laura sniffed and wiped her nose, then looked around the table. “I don't know how to say this—” She started to cry again.
“We love you, Laura,” I placed my hand on her arm. “You know we love you. We don't care what's wrong; we'll still love you. If we stick together, I think we can get through this.”
“That's right,” said Willy. “But you've got to be honest with us.”
“Gome on, Laura,” urged Allie. “There's nothing you can tell us that we probably don't already know. You just need to get it out into the open.”
“Okay.” Laura held her chin up. “You guys were right. I did take Allie's Ritalin.” Then she looked back down as if she was horribly embarrassed.
I gently squeezed her arm. “It's okay, Laura. We still love you. You gotta know that. We realized you were having a hard time.”
“Yeah,” said Allie. “Why don't you just tell us what happened. Get it all out.”
Laura looked back up and nodded. “You're right. It's just hard to say. I'm so ashamed.4
“Hey,”. said Willy. “You're a really strong Christian, Laura, but you're only human. God knows we're going to make mistakes. It's how we handle the aftermath that makes all the difference.”
“Yeah, I can believe that about other people. It's just hard to believe it about myself. I feel so rotten and hopeless and stupid. I'm such a fool.”
“God can work all things together for your good, Laura,” I loosely quoted one of my favorite Bible verses. “When you love Him and obey Him. And despite what's happened, we all know that you want to do that.”
“I do. I just can't believe I've blown it so bad. It probably started with those stupid sleeping pills.” She shook her head. “They did help me sleep, but they made me feel so groggy and dull the following day. It's like I just couldn't get going. And remember how Eric almost didn't let us open for Iron Gross that first time, back in LA? Well, I knew it would be completely my fault if Redemption failed. And I knew I needed something to get me going that night, especially after I'd promised everyone that I could get it together in time for our performance.”
“And you did get it together,” said Allie. “You were fantastic.”
“It was the Ritalin,” Laura admitted in a flat voice. “I'd gone down to the bus the day before to get a pair of shoes. And while I was down there, I remembered Allie's pills in the medicine cabinet. I knew that they were actually some kind of pep pill for people who don't have ADD, and I wondered if they would help me get out of that funk that the sleeping pills brought on. So I sneaked a pill out of the bottle and saved it for the next night— for our first opening performance.”
“That's why you were so great that night,” I said.
She nodded sadly. “At first I was only taking them for concert nights, but then it got so I could hardly function without them. I told myself that a doctor would probably prescribe them for me if I'd had time to go in for an appointment.” She sighed. “But I knew deep down that wasn't true. And I always knew it was wrong. The guilt feels like I'm wearing a coat made of lead.”
“But what did you do when you ran out of pills?” asked Allie. “My mom said it was only a month's supply.”
“I begged my parents to invite my sister to come over for Thanksgiving.”
“Christine?” I asked, knowing full well that Christine has a serious drug problem.
“Yeah. They let me call her, and I asked her for pills. She came for Thanksgiving, and I paid three hundred dollars for enough to get me to the end of the tour.”
“Three hundred dollars!” Allie just shook her head.
“At the time it didn't seem so bad.” Laura looked back down at her plate. “But I know it was wrong and stupid and sinful.”
“So where do you go from here, Laura?” asked Willy in a kind voice.
She looked up. “What do you mean?”
“I mean with the drugs.”
“Oh.” Her eyes darted from face to face. “Well, I've quit taking them, if that's what you mean.”
“When?” he asked. “When did you stop?”
“The day you guys asked me about it in the practice room. I decided then and there that I had to stop. I knew it was way out of hand.”
“How long ago was that?” asked Rosy.
Laura held up five fingers.
“And how you been doing, baby?” Rosy's voice was full of compassion.
Laura frowned. “Ifot so great. I'm sure you've all noticed. That's why I fell apart at the concert last night. That's how useless I am without the pills.” Her eyes filled with tears again. “I guess I've ruined it for everyone now. I'm sure we'll get canceled.”
No one said anything, but I suspect we all agreed with her. There's no way Omega would let us continue to open for Iron Cross. Ibr one thing, we sound horrible with Laura in this condition. But more important, you can't very well have an addict performing at Christian concerts.
“What about tomorrow night's concert?” asked Allie. “Can Omega find a new warm-up band by then?”
“I seriously doubt it,” said Willy.
“Do you think there's any way you could pull it together for just one more night?” I pleaded with Laura, then I stopped myself. “I'm sorry. I guess that's pretty selfish on my part.”
“Actually, I think I'm the one who's been pretty selfish,” she admitted. “I mean, I really thought I was doing it for the band to start with. But when I continued taking the pills, I knew it was because I liked the feeling I got when I was high. I suppose I truly am an addict.”
“Anyone can become an addict,” said Rosy. “All you have to do is give in to whatever wrong urge comes along. You do it for long enough and— presto!—you become an addict.”
“I knew I was playing with fire,” Laura continued. “I knew that every single one of us could get burned because of me. Oh, I'm really, really sorry, you guys! I know you'll forgive me, but I wouldn't blame you if you didn't. You have every right to be totally furious with me. I'm so sorry.”
We all reassured her that we forgive her and love her and are glad that she finally told us the truth.
/> “But what about tomorrow's concert?” persisted Allie. “We can't just leave Iron Cross high and dry.”
Laura nodded. “You're right, Al. We can't do that to them. Especially when I think of how Michael stepped in to help me last night. Somehow I've got to pull myself together for them.”
“Is that even possible?” I asked.
“All things are possible with God.” Suddenly her chin grew firm, and I thought I saw a spark of confidence from the old Laura. “Okay, I know I could be totally wrong, but somehow I think that I might be able to do this.”
“The last time you said that was when you started taking my Ritalin,” Allie reminded her.
“I know. But that won't be the case now.”
“Do you still have the pills your sister sold you?” asked Rosy.
“I flushed them down the toilet five days ago. I was afraid not to.”
“Good girl.” Rosy patted her on the back. “You know the difference between a fool and righteous man, baby?”
Laura shook her head.
“Well, a fool falls down once and just stays down. Whereas a righteous man might fall down a lot, but every single time he gets right back up.”
“With the help of God,” added Willy.
“That's exactly right.” Rosy nodded. “Only by the grace of God can you beat something like this, Laura. His strength is made perfect in weakness.”
“Well, I've got plenty of weakness,” confessed Laura.
“Between you, Allie, and me, I always thought you were the strongest one,” I told her.
“Yeah, I suppose there was a time when I thought that too.” She smiled a sheepish little smile. “Guess I proved myself wrong about that.”
“So, what do you think, Willy?” I asked. “Is it worth the risk to go on tomorrow night?”
He rubbed his chin. “Good question. Is it?”
“What have we got to lose?” asked Allie.
“Just our pride,” I answered. “And that's not such a great thing anyway.”
“That's right, baby. Pride comes before the fall, you know.”
“I've certainly proved that, Rosy,” said Laura.
“How about if we see how practice goes tomorrow,” suggested Willy, “if Laura can hang in there and keep up, then I'll be convinced that it's worth a try.”
Road Trip Page 11
