In the Absence of Monsters

by Jp Barnaby

  “Where is your bedroom?” I asked him, moving my lips to his neck. Gabriel pulled back slightly and stopped my advance. I looked at him curiously, but he just stroked my cheek.

  “You’re upset, Ethan. I don’t know why, but this isn’t the way to resolve it.” Gabriel took my hand and led me to the couch in his living room. He sat down on the far side, with his back pressed against the arm and his leg along the back of the cushions. Pulling me down in front of him, he leaned me back into him and wrapped his arms around my waist. After a second of shy, awkward hesitation, I laid my head back on his chest.

  “You don’t have to tell me. Let’s just stay like this for a while,” he said, and I felt him rest his cheek on the top of my head. I couldn’t ever remember being held like this by anyone other than my mother, and I didn’t even remember that well. I lifted my arms, and placed them over his, our fingers entwining. I closed my eyes, and just enjoyed the feeling of being held by someone who cared about me. As my determination waned, I was able to more objectively analyze my motives for going there, feeling sick with myself for wanting to use him, to use our first time being intimate just to prove a point to myself. Maybe I didn’t deserve anyone at all. I deserved to be alone.

  “Gabriel, I’m sorry,” I told him earnestly, turning slightly to look up at him.

  “I’m not,” he replied with a shrug. “It doesn’t matter why you decided to come over here, Ethan. I’m just really glad that you did.” He tilted my face up just a bit and kissed me gently. “Look, I know that we’re going to have a different set of challenges than other people, but I’m a big boy. I’m in this for as long as we can make each other happy. Okay?” I nodded. “Oh, and I promise – on Friday night, when you’re not upset, if you still want to know where my bedroom is – I’ll certainly show you. You are so fucking sexy.” He kissed me deeply once more before pulling me back against his chest. We sat on the couch talking about nothing until the sun started to set.

  “Gabriel, I will tell you what’s up with me. I just can’t right now. I am trying to come to terms with our relationship, and I just don’t want to complicate things. Not yet,” I told him, my eyes trying to implore him to understand.

  “When you’re ready,” he said softly, pulling his arms out from around me so that I could stand. I immediately missed their comfort.

  * * * *

  “Ethan, is everything okay?” Lexi asked me the following afternoon as I helped her in the kitchen. She had me chopping random vegetables for a salad while she worked on a pan of lasagna. I continued working and thought about the day before, not only with Gabriel, but with Jayden. Was this something I could talk to Lexi about? I wasn’t sure I liked facing my emotions rather than suppressing them. I didn’t like being able to talk to only certain people about certain things. Wasn’t there someone I could tell everything too? Was that person Lexi?

  “I… I don’t know where to start,” I admitted. She put the pan in the oven, and then grabbed my hand, pulling me over to the kitchen table where we sat there looking at each other for a minute before everything came tumbling out. “Yesterday, I was in a session with Jayden and I think I got jealous when he kissed Connor. Then he told me that he was jealous when he saw me kiss Gabriel on the porch after our date. We got through the session, and afterwards he just stood staring out the window like something was bothering him. When I got back to my room, I wrote in my journal for a while, and I have come to realize that being so close to Jayden isn’t good for me. I went to Gabriel’s to try to hook up with him. To prove to myself that I could have a normal relationship with someone else or even if it’s just a normal sexual relationship, but Gabriel stopped me. He was so caring and affectionate, I felt like a total dick for going over there with the sole purpose of having sex with him. I feel so confused, Lexi. I don’t know what to do.” I felt a tear fall, and wiped it away quickly. These feelings, these emotions, were too much for me right now.

  Lexi continued holding my hand. “I know that Jayden is having a problem keeping his jealousy in check. We actually sat and talked about it while you were out with Gabriel. But you can’t let that sabotage a potentially fulfilling relationship you could have with Gabriel. Jayden will get past it, or he won’t. You have to do what is going to make you happy. Does Gabriel make you happy? Well, so far, anyway…” she asked with a smile, and I nodded. “Then you should pursue that, and let him care about you. Yearning for someone who’s in love with someone else is the fastest way to a broken heart.” She kissed me on the cheek and got up to finish dinner.

  I sat at the table, thinking about what she’d said. I didn’t think I was ‘yearning’ for anyone, but then Lexi knew me better than I knew myself. She apparently saw something in me that I could not. About fifteen minutes later, Jayden walked in from work, kissing Lexi before coming to sit at the table with me.

  “Ethan, I’m glad you’re here, I wanted to ask you something,” he said casually. Raising my eyebrows, I remained quiet, encouraging him to continue. I wondered if this had anything to do with the conversation Lexi and I had just finished. I looked over at Lexi, but she was still quietly working at the counter. “I thought maybe since you’re here with us for a while, if you didn’t mind, you could teach me about wax play?” That was just about the last thing I expected him to say. I looked at him dumbstruck for a minute.

  “Sure Jayden, I can work with you on that,” I told him, relieved that the conversation hadn’t steered back to its former emotional climate.

  “Thanks,” he said, smiling at me, and then he turned to Lexi. “Do you trust me to do wax play with you while Ethan supervises?” She nodded, even if Jayden didn’t have any experience with it, she trusted me completely. We talked for a while about exactly what we wanted to do, and if we wanted to include Connor. Wax play wasn’t on any of Connor’s lists, so Lexi thought that having him watch the first time would be a good way to introduce him to it.

  After dinner, Connor came home from the library and we sent him up to the playroom. He was excited about playing with all of us again, and was in position when Lexi, Jayden, and I entered the room. Jayden and I left on our clothes in order to administer the wax, but Lexi removed hers. Connor watched surreptitiously as Lexi closed her eyes and ran her fingers through her hair. She put it up in a loose bun to keep it out of the way and then I bound her to the table face down while Jayden bound Connor to the bondage chair. I gagged her and handed her a panic button. Lexi loved being bound; she said that it made the experience so much more intense.

  Jayden brought out the torch and a good-sized pillar candle, and I noticed Connor shift in his seat. I wondered if he was going to enjoy this as much as we were. As Jayden set the equipment on a nearby table, I rubbed Lexi’s buttocks as she lay over the table facing Connor. I picked up a vibe from the shelf on the wall and began to tease her with it, wanting to make sure she was nice and aroused before we began.

  As I ran the vibrator over her sensitive skin, she moaned. I looked over to see that Connor was hard, and moving his hips in a very subtle rhythmic motion. He liked watching me tease Lexi. It turned him on. Grinning, I slid the toy into her, her moan resounding through the room as I fucked her slowly with the vibe, making sure to rub it against her clit each time I pulled it out. After a few minutes, she was trying to grind against my hand and grunting through the gag.

  “We’re ready,” I told Jayden, and he ignited the torch. From the corner of my eye, I saw Connor flinch at the noise. In a low voice, I instructed Jayden about how to get a good light flow of wax. Using too little was better than using too much, we didn’t want to hurt her. We practiced for a few minutes, letting the wax spill into the ground until he felt comfortable. Then, he turned and positioned the candle over Lexi. The wax drizzled across Lexi’s naked back and buttocks, and she screamed, more from the release and the surprise than any real pain. There were tears on Connor’s face as he was frantically trying to get out of his bonds in the chair.

  Jayden's attention was focused exact
ly where it should be, on what he was doing with Lexi; therefore he didn’t noticed Connor's struggling when he released another, but slightly heavier, stream of wax down the backs of Lexi’s thighs and she cried out again. She was biting down on the gag, almost growling. The pleasure of the vibrator running on low inside her, coupled with the pain from the wax, would soon bring her to orgasm, but apparently Connor was too distraught to notice.

  “RED! Jesus Christ red!! Stop it! You’re hurting her! Stop! Please!” he screamed, half-sobbing.

  I heard Lexi’s panic button go off. We untied her quickly and she ran to Connor, climbing into his lap to soothe him. Stroking his face and hair, she told him that she was all right. She kissed his forehead, and then released his arms from the chair, and in an instant they were around her, holding her to his chest, cradling her.

  Connor murmured into her shoulder, “I couldn’t let them hurt you like that, Lexi, I couldn’t. Please, I can’t… I can’t…” She tried to explain once again that we weren’t hurting her, but he was too upset to really understand. Then, to my complete incredulity, she promised him no more wax play. And then another thought struck me as I watched her in the boy’s arms.

  Lexi had never used her safe word or a panic button before.

  Not once.

  Ever.

  Over the next couple of days, I watched Connor and Lexi. We had ended the session with Connor’s outburst the other night, but I wanted to see if there was anything else between them. Not that I was an expert, but it just felt like there was something more going on with them. I wondered if Jayden had the same morbid curiosity regarding their behavior in the playroom, or if it was just me. Jayden trusted Lexi, so did I, for that matter; it was the boy I didn’t trust.

  Friday night, I threw on a nice t-shirt that Lexi had picked out, and noticed that it was fairly snug against my body. I sighed and wondered if that was intentional. Wanting to be comfortable for whatever was going to happen, I donned my loose jeans over boxers, and ran my fingers through my hair as I wondered what Gabriel’s expectations were. He had looked fairly serious when he said he’d show me where his bedroom was. I couldn’t help but smile as I remembered his wide grin during the admission.

  I don’t know what the societal norms are for this type of relationship. Do you sleep with someone on the first date? The second? The twelfth? I was so used to just having sex whenever the mood struck, I’d never thought about how it happened with traditional couples. Did hubby just come home and park one in the wife once a week out of habit? Is that how it will be with Gabriel? God, I hoped not. Maybe it would be a good idea for us to … take a test drive sooner rather than later. I couldn’t imagine myself being satisfied with bad or routine vanilla sex. This dating thing was complicated.

  As I walked through the living room on my way out the front door, Jayden spoke from a nearby arm chair. “Have fun tonight with golden boy.”

  “Thank you, Jayden,” I said. Reaching the door, I turned the knob and chanced a glance at him. Looking at me, the expression on his face was heartbreaking. I took a deep breath and opened the door, walked through and didn’t look back.

  Gabriel opened the door for me, and I smiled at him, holding up the beer for his inspection. I had been looking forward to the night since my impromptu visit earlier that week. He was someone I could see myself being comfortable with. I didn’t feel the flash of hot flame that I felt for Jayden, but I didn’t feel the cold shoulder either, it was a pleasant, consistent warmth. When I stepped in, I was immediately caught off guard as Gabriel pressed me against the front door as it shut behind me. His mouth was on mine before I could even greet him, it was my turn to moan at the urgency and need of his kiss. Soft lips melded with mine again and again as his arms encircled my waist. The warmth was heating up rather nicely. I wondered if he was still interested in showing me where his bedroom was.

  When we finally broke apart, both of us panting slightly, he continued kissing my neck and murmured, “I’ve been thinking about you all week. I swear I’ve had to rub one out in the shower every morning. I keep hearing your voice in my head asking where my bedroom is, you sounded so fucking sexy.” He moaned, and his fingers entwined in my hair. “God, I want to be on my knees for you.” The longing, the sheer lust in his voice made my stomach flip; it also made me hard – very hard. I’m sure he could feel it as he rubbed his hips into mine, I could certainly feel that he was hard. I wanted to growl in pure animalistic need. I fucking wanted him, in every way that I could think of, and I had a pretty extensive imagination, but right then his offer of being on his knees for me sounded very promising.

  Abruptly, he pulled back, as if it just occurred to him what was happening.

  “Ethan, I am so sorry,” he said, looking down, completely embarrassed. “With everything that you went through… If I was your first date… I don’t even know if you’re ready for…” I stopped his frightened rambling by capturing his lips with my own. The kiss was light, and gentle. I wanted him to know that I appreciated his concern for me, however misplaced it might be. After all, it wasn’t like I was a stranger to sex. I let my kisses trail over his cheek and then to his ear.

  With my lips against his ear, I murmured, “I want to bury myself deep inside you. Is that what you want?” jerked my hips forward, letting him feel exactly what I wanted to bury in him. My growing erection pressed into his hip and his into mine. The atmosphere was charged with the mounting lust we both felt. I knelt quickly and set the six-pack on the floor. When I stood, he reached down and pulled up the hem of my t-shirt, we pulled apart slightly so that I could get it over my head. Running his hand slowly along my chest, he moaned.

  “Yeah,” he replied in a whispered groan. Walking him backwards into the other room, our lips still meeting feverishly, we made it to the couch, our need too great to make it any farther. I pulled his t-shirt over his head as he pushed me back to sit down. He got to his knees, spreading my legs apart so that he could kneel between them. Then he leaned forward and kissed me once again, a kiss of pure sexual need and urgency. He broke the kiss and moved down my body very slowly. Out of habit, I wanted to put my hands on his head and make him do what I wanted, but this wasn’t the time or place for that, and I had to learn to control that side of my nature. I ran my fingers through his blond hair, leaned back against the couch and closed my eyes. As his lips ran gently over my stomach, it occurred to me how different it was. I didn’t have to monitor circulation or pain levels, I didn’t have to worry about not living up to someone’s expectations, and we were free to pleasure each other as we wished. Finally, for once, I didn’t feel the constant need to be in control or to be controlled. I just wanted to touch him and be touched by him.

  I felt him unbuttoning my jeans, and then his lips were nuzzling the front of my boxers as my head pressed back into the cushion. God, that was nice. I could feel his warm breath through the cotton fabric, and the hairs on my arms stood on end. My fingers tightened in his hair as his lips pressed hard against my erection. I moaned, low and deep, in my throat and then heard him chuckle as I lifted my hips up off the couch and jerked my clothes to my knees. Fuck, I wanted him to touch me, I was incredibly aroused and he hadn’t really done anything yet. Almost at once, he began placing soft kisses on the insides of my thighs. My cock, freed of my clothes, bobbed before me in anticipation of his touch. And then he did touch me, running his warm tongue all the way up my shaft – base to tip, and I almost climaxed, sucking in a breath, I fought the urge.

  When his sweet mouth wrapped around the head of my cock, a wild animalistic sound ripped from my throat. The feeling was so intense. Why was it so intense? What the hell was he doing differently? The only other time in my life I’d felt such intensity, felt so caught up in it, was the night before Jayden had left. The night we… I pulled back quickly and Gabriel looked up at me. Confusion, and a little hurt, touched his beautiful, boyish features. I pushed forward on the couch until I was sitting on the edge, pulling him fiercely to me. With m
y arms around his shoulders, and my legs pressed into his sides, I crushed his body to mine and felt myself shaking. There was so much anxiety that night with Jayden, the night I had practically begged him to show me what making love was like, that I hadn’t really noticed. I had been more worried about what I was seeing in my head than what I was feeling in my chest, but I had felt it. I had felt something more that night, and I felt something more with Gabriel.

  “Are you okay?” he asked me, his voice a little higher pitched in his fear for me. “We don’t have to do this if you’re not…”

  “I feel it,” I whispered in his ear, my eyes were closed, my forehead pressed into his bare shoulder.

  “Feel what?” he whispered back, holding me tighter.

  “Emotion. Something behind the act—I never feel anything, it’s just sex. With you, I feel… something. It’s more than just sex.” I told him excitedly. Pulling back from me, he put his hand on my chest, and looked into my face.

  “I want you to feel it. I want you to feel it here,” he said, pushing lightly on my chest. “That’s where I feel it.” I put my hand over his on my chest, and just looked at him for a moment. He stroked my face with his other hand and then leaned forward to kiss me gently. When he pulled back he had an impish grin on his face.

  “What?” I asked him cautiously.

  “Can I get back to blowing you now?” he asked, and I had to laugh as I nodded. I thought that things would be awkward now, but once again he made me feel at ease with his wonderfully wicked sense of humor. He pulled back slightly, kissing my chest where his hand had been, and I kissed him on the top of the head, wanting to show him the same affection. Then moving back down to resume what he had been doing when I had my epiphany, I felt his lips on me again.