In the Absence of Monsters

by Jp Barnaby

  “Yes,” I started in a breathless voice, “by all…” my voice was cut off by a deep moan as the head of my cock hit the back of his throat. “…means,” I choked out. He began tilting his head back and forth, rotating his lips around the shaft as he let my cock slide in and out of his mouth. Gripping his shoulders tightly, trying not to buck up into his mouth, I moaned with each stroke of his perfect lips over my skin. He pulled back with each stroke and licked the head, running his tongue over every ridge, every groove. The rough of his tongue massaged my sensitive skin, and again I had to grit my teeth and lock my jaw against the urge to orgasm. Then one of his hands traveled under to stroke. First he tugged very lightly on my balls and then reached farther to caress the sensitive area just behind them. I was panting, almost grunting, in pleasure at his touch.

  When I felt the pressure building up, threatening my release into his mouth, I pulled him up into a standing position and unbuttoned his jeans. Pulling the jeans down to his knees I saw that he was nude beneath, and I pressed my lips against the delicate skin of his hip. With one hand stroking my desperately hard cock, I reached back between his legs, and put my hand on his ass, pulling him closer to me. I grazed his buttocks very lightly with my fingers and wrapped my lips around his erection, sucking him in the same long, slow deep motions he had used with me. Taking my time licking and stroking him, I made sure that every inch of his beautiful cock had been thoroughly covered by my eager tongue. With long strokes, I felt the changes in texture from shaft to head. His hips moved slightly as he stood before me while his long fingers caressed my cheek.

  “Ethan, that feels so good. Oh God, I’m close… so close…” he moaned, and I pulled back, releasing him. Without knowing his health status, I wasn’t taking any chances with Jayden or Lexi’s health. It was something that we should have discussed, and would have to soon. His hand replaced my mouth; it was hot watching him stroke himself. Still directly in front of me, standing between my knees, I looked up at him and his eyes opened to meet mine. I found lust there, and some other unknown emotion, affection maybe? I reached up gently, and stroked between his thighs as he pumped a little faster. With my other hand, I brushed his away, and began stroking him in the same rhythm as he had been. His hands balled up into fists and his head dropped back.

  “Oh…. yeah…” He moaned, it was little more than a sigh, but made my stomach clench with a wild need. “Mmmmmm… Ethan…” he cried as he gave in to that all-encompassing need and his cock throbbed in my hand. I felt his warm semen land on my chest, and rather than feeling debased by it, I felt aroused. He fell to his knees in front of me, and then bending further pressed his lips to my balls. I gripped my cock hard, turning my hand so that my thumb was nearer the base. Spreading my legs wide, my jeans fell to my ankles, giving him better access to my body. It wasn’t long before I had stroked myself to orgasm. That wickedly hot feeling shot through me, and I came in hard spurts over my chest and stomach, my semen mingling with his on my overheated skin. My cries surprised me, not only was Gabriel present in them, but God was as well. When I collapsed back against the back of the couch, spent, I sighed, content.

  And then came a knock at the door.

  “Fuck,” Gabriel said, panting. “It must be six, that’s when I ordered the pizza for.” He quickly reached down and pulled his jeans back up. “There is a bathroom right behind you, though I have to admit, you look so fucking sexy just like that.” His eyes roamed my naked chest and he winked. Standing, I stepped out of my jeans, grabbed them, and headed for the bathroom. I had just pulled up my boxers, and was wiping down my chest when I heard a low voice from the other side of the wall.

  “Hey Morris, am I…interrupting?” The deep, irritating voice asked with a condescending chuckle.

  “Christ, man – just tell me how much it is,” Gabriel said, sounding thoroughly annoyed. I put my shirt back on and was just about to step into my jeans when the guy at the door spoke again.

  “You should keep your voice down when you're fucking Hughes, Morris. The whole town knows he likes to get fucked by guys, especially older…" I rolled my eyes, what an idiot. Then I heard something slam into the other side of the wall. Foregoing my jeans, I ran out to see one of the guys from the brunch being pinned against the wall by Gabriel. His face was bloody as Gabriel continued to hit him. It only took me a second to recover from my shock, as I grabbed Gabriel around the waist and pulled him off of the guy.

  “Gabriel, it’s okay. Baby, you need to calm down,” I said, panting with the effort of trying to contain him. Suddenly, he stopped and looked at me. I didn’t have time to process the sudden change in his demeanor, so I just grabbed the twenty dollars from Gabriel’s hand and threw it at the guy. He stepped over the pizza, which had landed on the floor near the door. I slammed the door behind him and sighed, then turned to Gabriel.

  “Are you all right?” I asked, looking him over for injuries, but he just stared at me. “What?” I asked, brushing his hair out of his eyes.

  “You called me ‘baby’,” he said, and I rolled my eyes.

  “Come on, grab the beer,” I said, a little awkwardly. He reached down for the six-pack I had set there earlier, and I picked up the pizza. We set dinner on a small table in the living room and I went to put my jeans back on while Gabriel set up the movie. After eating in a comfortable silence, we settled back on the couch to watch the movie.

  “Ethan?” Gabriel asked tentatively when I sat back down on the couch. I looked at him questioningly as I opened my second beer. “I… I liked that you called me that.” He smiled shyly and I sat with my back against the couch.

  “Well, then, come here, baby,” I said, pulling him back against my chest. He turned his head and I kissed his cheek, while I ran my hand over his stomach, not in a sexual touch, but one to show him my affection. Gabriel lay back on my chest comfortably as the movie started, and I realized that it was nice to just hold someone like that. The previous feeling of sexual urgency was gone; it had been replaced by comfortable companionship. I kissed the top of his head, and he turned to capture my lips. We spent our whole evening that way, just talking and kissing.

  I found myself looking forward to many more nights like that this one.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  When I got home from Gabriel’s, Jayden had already gone to bed. I was glad; I didn’t need to face any harassment or interrogations from him. I did, however, find Connor and Lexi huddled in the kitchen at the table. When I entered, their conversation abruptly stopped, and Lexi greeted me brightly. She asked me how my evening had gone, and I started to tell her when Connor excused himself for bed, mentioning something about an exam in the morning. Relieved Connor had left, I told Lexi about the intimacy Gabriel and I had shared on the couch. For some reason, I hadn’t wanted to share that with Connor, it felt like a betrayal of Gabriel’s trust.

  Although, I omitted the part about the pizza guy; I didn’t want Lexi to get upset by what the guy had said about me. But, I told her about holding Gabriel as we watched the movie, and how it had made me feel. Smiling, she said she was happy for me, but also gave me a warning –where things had become sexual between Gabriel, it was important to tell him about my lifestyle. It wasn’t fair to Gabriel that I was in a sexual relationship with other people without discussing it with him. Things were suddenly getting more complicated. Telling Gabriel that I was having sex with two other guys and a girl was not going to be easy. The sessions were helping me to keep things under control; I was calmer and more focused after a session with Jayden or Lexi, or both. I could sit and write for hours, dissecting my emotions and coming to better terms with them. I was learning a lot about myself, my different complex relationships. Slowly I was finding myself again, hopefully that meant I’d have a better relationship with Gabriel down the road. He deserved to be with the best person that I could be for him.

  Just then, my phone chirped indicating that I had a text message. I pulled it out of my pocket and checked the display, and as I did a
smile crept onto my face. It didn’t go unnoticed.

  “I’m guessing it’s not from your mom,” Lexi assumed correctly, smirking at me. I rolled my eyes at her, she laughed, and I opened the text.

  I can still feel you. I wish you were here in bed with me.

  My mouth fell open at his bold statement. We had only been dating for about a week, and he already wanted me in his bed next to him. There was no real precedent for a relationship such as ours, no hard and fast rules. Perhaps I should have felt uneasy that things were progressing at the pace they were, but I didn’t. People got in and out of relationships every day, and I’m sure none of them followed the exact same timeline.

  We’d had two dates, both of which had been very successful. The museum, the beach, his house; they were all places that we had found a common ground in. We felt comfortable with each other, which is how I imagine a relationship should be. Lastly, and most importantly, I found that the dull ache that had settled in my chest the morning Jayden left was slowly starting to subside. It was being replaced with, not love, but contentment.

  I asked Lexi what their plans were for the next day. She said that they were having a session with Connor to make him feel more comfortable after the wax play session. She asked if I wanted to join them, but I decided that I didn’t, nor did I really want to listen to their session either. The company that had done the sound proofing on the playroom was coming back to fix the light fixture, but until then, everything was clearly audible through my bedroom floor.

  Then, inspiration struck me and I pulled out my cell phone.

  “Texting Gabriel?” Lexi asked with a smirk.

  “No, actually, I thought maybe I’d take my mom to lunch.” I said with a hint of uncertainty in my voice. “Maybe she’s busy, though. I should have called sooner.”

  “Trust me, Ethan. If she has other plans, she’ll break them to go to lunch with you. You are so important to her. I know it would mean the world to her if you called and asked her to lunch. It’s kind of late to call her now though.” Reaching across the table, she took my hand. “I’m so proud of you, Ethan. The changes in you are evident. You seem, maybe not happier, but more at ease with yourself?” I nodded; I had let the boy out of the box and was getting to know him again.

  I changed into a loose pair of pajama pants and climbed into bed. Grabbing my phone off the nightstand, I decided to answer Gabriel’s text.

  I would like that. With you, I feel just like everyone else.

  Lying back on the pillows, I thought about what brunch would be like on Sunday. Vaguely, I wondered if Gabriel would be as open with me there as he was everywhere else, and how I would feel about that. While I was curious about showing affection in public, I didn’t want to make a scene. On the other hand, I had no issue with expressing my affection for him. Maybe my mother could advise me.

  * * * *

  Lexi had been right about my mother. While she didn’t mention changing any plans, she was thrilled to hear from me and said she would love to have lunch with me. Dressing in one of my nicer pair of jeans and a light sweater, I wanted to go someplace casual with her, someplace we could talk without being overheard by one of her friends. As I walked her to my car, she suggested we go have pizza at a place I had enjoyed as child, a small intimate place that her society friends would never set foot in. I grinned at her as I held the car door open and she hesitated for just a moment before hugging me.

  “What’s that for?” I asked with a chuckle.

  “I haven’t seen you happy in a long time, I’d almost forgotten what your smile looked like,” she said wistfully and sat down in the passenger seat of the rented Audi. I knelt next to her, taking her hand and looked up at her.

  “It’s getting better. It’s finally getting better,” I told her, and she wiped a tear from her eye as I closed the door. After she gave me directions to the restaurant, I pulled into the lot behind the building and parked. We walked side by side to the front of the building, and then once inside, requested a table for two. The place was empty for an early Saturday lunch, so we picked a table near the windows. The warm late spring sun felt nice as it streamed through the glass, in spite of the advertisements covering large portions of the window. When the waitress came, I picked up my menu and looked at the offerings. As I reached the bottom of the first page, I dropped the menu.

  “What is it, Ethan?” My mother asked, suddenly concerned.

  “Tater tots,” I said softly, and she looked at me as if I’d lost my mind. “You used to bring me here when I was a kid; it was our secret because it wasn’t classy enough for dad. He thought it was a dive. We used to have sausage pizza and tater tots. I’ve never been to another pizza place that served tater tots, so I had forgotten that until just now.” She beamed at me. “I had the same realization the other day at the museum. I remembered that Gabriel’s mom used to take us there because they weren’t going to let him go into science as a career. I remembered the rotunda, and the heart. Being back here, allowing myself to think about things, it’s bringing my childhood – my real childhood, my happy childhood, back to me. That boy I told you about, he’s starting to come out of the box.”

  “I’m glad, Ethan. You don’t know how much I’ve missed him,” she said quietly and looked up just as the waitress came back. “Hi,” she said to the girl. “We’d like a medium sausage and a basket of tater tots, please…”

  Mom and I talked all through lunch and even through a couple of beers afterwards. I was surprised at how accepting and free my mother seemed to be, as if everything she had been though during my lifetime had taught her not to take anything for granted – nothing – not even sausage pizza and greasy tater tots. I told her everything. I started with Gabriel and how he made me feel, then Jayden, and how he made me feel, and even about Jayden and Lexi. While I wanted to tell her about my suspicions regarding Lexi and Connor, that would have divulged a little more about my private life than I felt comfortable sharing with her. Telling your mom that you tied up your best friend and poured wax on her naked body just isn’t really appropriate fodder for a lunchtime conversation. She gave me a slightly different take on things than Lexi had.

  “You describe Gabriel as comfortable, and safe – but your passion lies in Jayden?” she asked in summary and I nodded. “And Jayden is jealous of Gabriel, while claiming to be in love with Lexi?” I nodded again. “I think you need to talk to Jayden. You need to find out what’s going on in his head. Safe and comfortable are good, Ethan. Passion? Passion is better.” Then to my utter astonishment, she winked at me. Was she saying what I thought she was saying? I should be with Jayden?

  “What about Lexi?” I asked incredulous. “Lexi is my best friend, Mom; I can’t just discount her feelings in the matter.”

  “If Jayden wants to be with you, she has two choices – to stay in a complacent loveless relationship, or to move on and let him do the same. She cares for you Ethan. The three of you owe it to yourselves to figure out what it is that you really want,” she said earnestly. “But, if that happens, you need to be completely upfront with Gabriel. He deserves to know where your heart is, even if it isn’t with him.”

  Yet another conversation I needed to have with Gabriel. I sighed and she patted my hand.

  On the way back to my parents’ house, I thought about her advice. I knew that once I had a conversation with Jayden everything would change, as he would then be aware that I had some kind of feelings for him. Lexi would know how Jayden felt about me, and the guessing game that I’d been playing since I ended up in Chicago would be over. Then there was Gabriel. Even if Jayden said that he wanted to remain with Lexi, I would still have to tell Gabriel that Jayden would always be in my heart somewhere. As much as it hurt, I didn’t know if I would ever feel that all-encompassing love that Lexi and Jayden kept telling me about. I didn’t know if I even could feel it with either Gabriel or Jayden.

  My one question was, if I could feel love like that – why hadn’t it come over me yet? What the hell w
as it waiting for? If I were in love with Jayden, did I feel it when I looked at him? If I was starting to fall in love with Gabriel – why couldn’t I feel that either?

  Was I just emotionally void?

  I avoided thinking about the conversation that I needed to have with most of the important people in my life. I didn’t want to hurt Lexi by telling Jayden my suspicions, I didn’t want to risk losing Jayden by confronting him about his feelings, and I didn’t want to risk losing Gabriel because he found out that I’m a closet bondage freak. Instead, I got ready for the brunch, dressing in a nice pair of jeans and a polo shirt – not exactly country club chic, but it would get me though my parents’ brunch with a minimum amount of fuss. Gabriel arrived a little early to pick me up. I was glad I had spent time with my mother yesterday at lunch; it would be less awkward for Gabriel if we didn’t have a heart-to-heart talk while he hung out in the garden or something. I heard the doorbell sound downstairs, and was relieved when I heard Lexi call that she would answer it. After I finished getting ready, I headed downstairs and was not amused by the sight in the front room.

  Gabriel was sitting in an armchair with Jayden standing above him in an adversarial stance and scowling. Gabriel, however, didn’t look the least bit upset or defensive. He just looked up expectantly at Jayden.

  “What exactly is it that you want from Ethan?” Jayden asked Gabriel coolly, and I thought about intervening, but honestly, I kind of wanted to hear his answers. What was Gabriel looking for in our relationship? Was he looking for forever? Was he just looking for a friend? Was he looking for love? Friends with benefits? Straight up sex? I didn’t know the answer to any of these questions, I wondered if he did.

  “My intentions towards Ethan are none of your damn business,” Gabriel said, standing up to look Jayden in the eye. I liked that Gabriel didn’t back down from Jayden. “Look, I know that you care for him, probably more than you should.” Jayden started to speak, but Gabriel cut him off. “But you have a girlfriend. What he needs right now is stability, and consistency – someone who will care about him all the time, not just when it’s convenient. I care about him. I don’t know where this is going, whether we’ll be friends or more, but I won’t hurt him. He’s been hurt too much in his life already for me to let that happen.” I walked into the room then, before Jayden had a chance to respond.