Shadow of Love

by by Dick Claassen

  They happily squabbled some more.

  Finally, Ben was delegated to turn over the card. God! It's the two of hearts! he gasped. It's the two of hearts! Mary, what kind of woman are you?

  I am Mary Kerrigan, soon to be Mary Kerrigan-Cutler. Any other questions? She laughed joyfully.

  ---

  I shouldn't have done that. I went too far.

  Maybe so, Jim said quietly.

  You wanted me to be comfortable with your friends. I was comfortable.

  Jim pulled into his driveway, got out, took Mary's fold-up wheelchair out of the car, opened it up and pushed it around to Mary's side. He pulled open the door. Has it ever occured to you, Mary said, that you will have to open doors for your wife for the rest of your life? Most wives experience this kind of treatment, if they are very lucky, for only a year or so after they're married. But you, Jim, will have to do this for me for as long as one of us lives. Doesn't it bother you, even a little, that your fate is to be my slave, whether you like it or not?

  It didn't occur to me, Jim said distractedly. He picked Mary up and set her in her chair.

  I've made you angry.

  No, he said. I'm not angry. He thought of what Katherine had told him; about how he would have to confront it. What did she mean?

  Maybe I shouldn't stay with you tonight?

  Is that how we'll handle future disagreements? Will you go home to your mother whenever we have an argument?

  I thought you weren't angry? she clipped.

  I'm not angry. I just don't want you running off to your mother's whenever you get a burr under your saddle.

  They went into the house, neither speaking to the other. I think I'll turn in early, Jim said. Let me help you undress so when you decide to turn in, it will be easy for you.

  I don't want you to make it easy for me! she flared. I don't want you to treat me like your little mascot! I want to be able-bodied for you! I want to pick you up and carry you to bed! Don't you get it, Jim?! I'm not good enough for you! She cried then. She cried until the front of her blouse was damp and sticky with her tears.

  Are you finished? Jim asked calmly.

  Mary covered her face with her hands and sobbed into them. Jim handed her a box of tissues. I would help you dry your tears, but I'm afraid you'll get mad again because I'm helping you.

  Oh, Jim. She wiped her nose.I don't know why you put up with me.

  I do, he said quietly. May I lift you out of your chair and help you undress?

  Oh, you poor man. She took his face in her hands. Oh, oh, you poor man. What kind of life am I giving you?

  He took her from her chair, then set her back into it. Wait, maybe I am coddling you too much. Can you get onto the bed yourself?

  Yes, she said. I would prefer to do that. She wheeled herself into the bedroom, braked the chair, pushed herself up out of it, locked her leg braces, and stood on them while hanging onto her chair for balance. Then she laid herself across the bed.

  I can help you with your braces, Mary, if you want. Jim didn't know how far he should extend himself to her.

  I will accept your help, she said. She smiled tiredly.

  ---

  Somewhere in the night, Jim had a lucid dream. It was so lucid, it was almost as if he was listening to a conversation he wasn't supposed to be privy to. The conversation was between Mary and someone he couldn't see. Mary said, I don't know what to do. I can't ask him to give his life to me because he will have to give far more than I. I . . . I don't know what to do.

  Another voice, not Mary's, said, I want to continue to be part of your life.

  But you can't, Mary said. The life he and I have is a very intimate relationship. It's precious to us both. It's between a man and a woman. Don't you understand?

  No. You want me to continue to be part of your life, don't you? The voice had an uncomfortable sing song quality to it. You don't want me but you do want me. Am I correct?

  Yes, Mary said. Yes, you are correct. But this isn't like the old days. Circumstances are different for me now. I think he really loves me. I'm wondering if it even matters to him that I'm disabled.

  Does it matter? the voice said. You want comfort, do you not?

  Yes, but . . .

  I can continue to give you that level of comfort. I can also have comfort for myself. Together, we are a whole beeeing, the voice wined.

  The dream ended then. He awoke with a start, sweat pouring from every pore. Mary was crying next to him. Shhh, he said. Shhh, Mary, don't cry. It's Jim. I'm right here.

  ---

  What's your problem today? Matt handed Jim a Zip cartridge. This is the stuff the B team has finished. Look at it when you have time, will you?

  Yeah, I will, Jim said. He took the cartridge from Matt and laid it on his desk.

  Time out, Matt said. He pointed to the break room.

  They went in and sat down. There were others in the room and Jim felt uncomfortable.

  Okay, Matt said, out. They went outside and stood by the back door. It was chilly and Jim wished he would have put on his leather jacket. Something very heavy is on your mind, Jim. I don't want to pry, but I'll listen if you want to talk.

  I don't have anything to say, Jim said tiredly. I really have nothing to add to this conversation.

  Mary enjoyed herself at the party, Matt ventured. She left us all scratching our heads. When you two went home I asked the others if the whole thing was some elaborate setup by those who helped her. They said they didn't even know her until she showed up at the party.

  Matt, Jim said, you were one of those that helped her. Did she set something up between you two?

  No, he said. I swear to you, she just did all this . . . stuff . . . out of the blue. How did she do it?

  ---

  Where is she, Katherine?

  Hello, Jim. Katherine opened the door and let him in. She said she needed to take a drive to do some thinking.

  About what? What's there to think about? He felt desperate for Mary, now.

  This hasn't been easy for her, Jim.

  The way she's been acting, you'd think I'd been mistreating her.

  Jimmy, I told you some time ago that you and Mary will have to confront this.

  This. It always comes back to this ghost in the closet, doesn't it? I want to talk to her. Where do you think she might be?

  She probably went to visit her father.

  ---

  He drove through the cemetery gate. Mary's van was parked on the edge of the pathway. He got out and quietly pushed the car door shut until the lock caught. She was sitting in her power chair, gazing at a tombstone. The stone was her father's.

  I knew you'd come, banjo man. She turned to him and smiled sadly. Tears were on her cheeks.

  Jim kneeled on the grass in front of her. I would give you my life, he whispered.

  She sighed, and laid her hand on his shoulder. My shining knight in his black leather jacket. I truly believe you would, Sir Cutler.

  I love you, Mary. He felt his voice crack with emotion.

  She gently pulled him to her and put his head on her lap. When I was a little girl, my father would hold me and rock me. I would cry and tell him that I didn't want to be different, that I wanted to be like all the other kids. My Father would say, 'Sweetie Pie, you're just like other kids. You can't see this yet, but when you grow up, you'll understand.' Then I'd make him promise me that it was true-that I was like everyone else. He would promise, and then he would rock me to sleep. He was still rocking me to sleep when I was twelve years old.

  Jim sat up and took her hands in his. I don't know how I can make you feel comfortable with yourself.

  You can't, Jim. It's up to me. No matter how much you love me, ultimately the state of my happiness is up to me.

  You're a very mysterious woman, Mary.

  I know. I've tried very hard to hide that side of myself from you. I haven't done a very good job, have I? She lovingly brushed his hair back from his face.

  There are
. . . things about you that I can't understand.

  Things like my startling magic act?

  That, yes. But it's more than that. It's much more than that.

  Jim could see the concern Mary felt for him in her eyes.

  This weekend is the last weekend we can camp out before it closes for the winter, Mary said. I want to go.

  By yourself, or with me?

  Jimmy, with you, of course. Oh, God, I've managed to drive you away so far that you actually think I would want to go by myself. She laughed then. I can't go by myself. It's a compliment to me that you were fearful that I could.

  Chapter Seven

  It was Friday afternoon and Jim and Mary were packing the van. They were both upbeat, and Jim couldn't wait to get going. So it was with irritation when Jim's cell phone rang. Hello, he said half gruffly as he jerked the phone from his belt. This is Jim.

  Jim, this is Vik. Did I catch you at a bad time?

  Uh, yeah, kind of. Jim mouthed to Mary, 'My boss, Vik.' Mary threw her hands in the air in resignation. Jim put his finger up to her in the sign for 'hang on'. What's on your mind, Vik?

  Jim, I hate to ask you this, but I'm going to need you to come in tomorrow morning. We've got to get that job out, and your part has to be finished in order to do this. Would you consider working tomorrow morning?

  Um . . . work tomorrow morning? Mary and I are heading to the campground this weekend. The look of disappointment on Mary's face was crushing. Jim caught the cell phone between his ear and his shoulder and then turned his palms up in the sign for 'What am I going to do?' I don't have much work left, Vik. I can finish it Monday morning, Jim ventured. Why couldn't I do it then?

  Because the client is balking. I've put him off as long as I can and after you left work today he really put the screws to me. He wants us to deliver it Monday morning.

  Just a minute. Hang on. He covered the phone with his hand. Vik wants me to work tomorrow. What the hell am I going to do?

  Tell him you'll go in and finish it tonight.

  I don't want to go in and work on it tonight.

  You won't have to. Your work will be finished by Monday morning.

  What! he whispered. I'll have to work all night.

  No, you won't. Tell him you'll finish it tonight.

  But . . .

  Tell him, she urged.

  Vik, you still there?

  Yeah, I'm here.

  Jim looked over at Mary. I'll . . . uh . . . go in tonight and finish up. Mary and I really want to go to the campground this weekend, so I'll go in tonight.

  Thanks a lot, Jim. Would you like me to come in and give you a hand?

  'He wants to know if . . .' he mouthed to Mary.

  Tell him no, she whispered.

  Uh, no, I won't be needing any help. I'll enlist Mary's help. Maybe we can finish it quicker than I can working alone. Is that all right with you?

  That's fine with me. Tell Mary hello.

  When Jim hung up he said, Damn. Of all the luck.

  It's done.

  What's done? Jim asked, despondent now.

  Your work. It's finished-all of it, or will be shortly. Mary said almost flippantly.

  I have a good half day of work left, even with you helping me.

  Mary said, Tell me exactly what work you have left to do. You know I'm familiar with it.

  This is crazy, Mary. We'll be working all night.

  The way I figure it, most of the work you have left is pretty straight forward.

  I wouldn't call the instruction manual straight forward, he bristled.

  I would. She clapped her hand to her forehead. Oh, silly me. I won't need to help you, hot shot. Just go to your office. I'll finish packing the van.

  But I need your . . .

  Go. She patted him on the butt and smiled knowingly, then threw the bedclothes into the van.

  ---

  Jim wasn't exactly sure why he was humoring Mary to the extent that he was. Maybe he was hoping he could miraculously finish a half day's work in twenty minutes. He slid his key card in the front door of the building. It was 6:00 p.m. Little chance of making it to the campground tonight.

  Jim pulled the door open. The security lights were on, making it easy to find his way to his office. Before he even took out his key card to unlock his door, he felt uneasy. No, 'uneasy' was the wrong term. He felt as if someone was there with him, someone he knew. He looked down the hallway; first one way, then the other. Nothing. He stuck his key card in the reader on the door and pushed the door open. He was surprised and somewhat unsettled to see that his computer was on. He knew he'd logged off the network when he went home that afternoon. He was sure of it. Jim was a meticulous person, and it would have been unlike him to walk out of the office without shutting down his box, as he liked to call it. But here it was, the warp speed screen saver soundlessly grinding away.

  Well, I probably just forgot to shut the computer off after I logged off, he mumbled to himself. He sat down and then moved the mouse to kill the screen saver. Damn! burst from his lips. He was logged on! This was impossible. The only other person who knew his log-on, besides tech support, was Mary. He quickly dialed his cell phone number. Mary, I'm here at the office.

  That's nice, she said. I'm glad you called me. The van is packed, and we're ready to go just as soon as you come home.

  There was a sound to Mary's voice that was making Jim very uncomfortable. My computer was on, Mary, Jim blurted. I logged off when I left work today, but when I came in the office, the computer was on and I was logged on.

  I know. Go to your main project folder.

  What are you . . . ?

  Please do as I ask, Jim.

  Jim clicked open the hard drive icon, then scrolled down to a folder named 'Secure Insurance Corp.' Okay, he said. I'm there. He felt sweat breaking out on his upper lip. This whole thing didn't feel right.

  Now open up the 'SIC' folder.

  He clicked the folder open and scrolled down to a folder named 'SIC Manual,' then clicked it open. Geez, Mary! There's an Acrobat file named 'Secure Insurance Corporation Manual!' This can't be finished! I didn't make this file! This is what Vik wanted me to do!

  Stay calm, hot shot. Double-click the Acrobat file.

  With hand shaking, Jim clicked open the file. The screen opened to the title page. It's . . . it's all finished! The . . . bookmarks . . . he clicked on one bookmark, then another, they're all in place. All the pages are here . . . the body of the text . . . it's all . . . I . . . I'm losing my mind, Mary. I feel sick. I'm . . .

  Jim, please listen to me. Your work is finished. You know this beyond all doubt now, don't you? Talk to me, Jim. Are you convinced that your work is finished?

  Yes, he said. Yes, it's finished. I don't . . . I don't know how. I'm very upset right now, Mary. Let me hang up. I'll be home in a few minutes.

  But . . .

  He hung up on her.

  ---

  We're not going camping until you tell me what's going on, Mary! Jim raged. I've had enough of this. Life made sense to me until you came along. Nothing makes sense now-nothing! There are too many things about you that I can't even begin to explain. I'm tired, tired, tired of this. Do you understand me? Do you understand how serious this is? Are you listening to me?

  I'm listening, she said, and so are the neighbors.

  I don't care about the neighbors! I don't care about the damned neighbors! I care about you! And I care about me! And I care about our future together! He slammed the door of his Corvette and stomped out of the garage. You'd better do some serious explaining to me, Mary. I've had it. He stormed into the house and left her sitting in the driveway.

  He wrenched open the refrigerator door and pulled out a bottle of water. He yanked open the slide cap and chugged most of the water before he began choking on it. Damn! He threw the bottle into the sink. Damn! he yelled again.

  Mary appeared in the kitchen. I'm sorry, she said. I'm really sorry, Jim.

  Jim sat dow
n at the table. Mary, you know how much I love you. You know I don't want to go on living my life without you. This has got to stop. He looked at her. He was sweat from head to toe.

  Do you know, she said quietly, that just now was the first time you treated me like a normal human being? We had a fight, and you left me in the driveway. You left me in a rage.

  I was so angry.

  No, Jim. That's not what I mean. You left me sit. You were in a seething rage and you yelled at me and then left me sit. Up until now you've been coddling me, carrying me, doing things for me that I can do myself. You've been treating me like a china doll, as if any minute I would disintegrate. I won't disintegrate, Jim. I won't break. I don't want you to be my slave, my caretaker. I want you to be my husband. I want you to be my partner. Whadda ya say, pardner? She looked at him and smiled hopefully.

  Oh, Mary. He put his arms around her and squeezed her.

  Jim, I promise that there will be no more mystery between us. It's ended. No more. Do you believe me?

  Yes, he said. I believe you.

  Chapter Eight

  Jim felt like he had been 'dragged through a knothole,' as his grandmother used to say, so he climbed into the shower before they left for the campground. Turn the water down, hot shot, I'm coming in.

  Jim fiddled with the faucet until the water was a manageable trickle. Need some help? he asked.

  Nope. She pulled the shower curtain back and smoothly transferred from her chair to the edge of the tub. Then she pulled the curtain shut. Turn it on.

  Jim turned the faucets back on until the streams of water hitting them felt like needles. They soaped themselves up and basked in the healing glow of the steam and the water. And in the shower they made love.

  It was 8:15 p.m. when they arrived at the campground. The sun had almost set. Mary pulled up to the ranger station check-in. The ranger came up to the window-the same ranger they had met before. Well, he said, I haven't seen you two for awhile.

  We've been busy, Mary said. She handed him thirty dollars. Then she showed him her driver's license and he filled out the check-in form. Jim got out and helped the ranger carry Mary's spare batteries and charger into the station.