Playing the Hand You're Dealt

by Trice Hickman

  “Samantha, it’s so nice to finally meet you,” Ruben said to me with a smile.

  Ruben fiddled with something in his hand, and when I looked to see what it was, it turned out to be a beautiful crystal hairpin. Next thing I knew, Ms. Thang whipped his silky shoulder-length tresses up into a perfect chignon in one quick swoop. I couldn’t have replicated his move if my life depended on it.This queen was one bad bitch! After a few minutes of conversation I fell in love with Ruben. He was a straight-up trip, in a very good way.

  I chatted with Ruben while trying to avoid the stares of both Tyler and Tyme. Tyler was as cool as an ice cube, glancing at me with a slight smile as he talked with Emily and Bradley. But Tyme was more than a little put off because of the obvious vibe I had with Tyler.

  We all settled on the floor and dug into the coffee and danishes. Tyme sat close to me, an attempt to stake his claim, while everyone else tried to ignore our strained body language. When Daddy walked into the room I felt myself jump for joy. He seemed mildly out of sorts, but then I realized it was probably because he was bewildered to see Tyler in the room. So after I introduced him to everyone I ushered him outside. I gave him the lowdown on the situation with Tyler, and as Emily had done, he imparted some good advice that helped me suck up my emotions and walk back into the room with a more level head.

  After we finished eating, we went to work moving Emily’s furniture off the large truck and into the house. An hour or two later I asked Tyme to make a beverage run for water, beer, and soda. He looked at me with suspicion, but then decided to go. Two seconds after he walked out the door, I approached Tyler. “What’s goin’ on?” I smiled.

  “It’s been a long time.You look good, Sam.”

  Damn, I wanted to melt. “So do you.”

  Our chemistry was instant. Tyler stood in front of me, inspecting me from head to toe while I did the same to him. He hadn’t changed a bit. His café au lait skin still held the same boyish good looks that framed his sexy goatee when I last saw him six years ago. His modest dimples and large brown eyes made me want to crawl into his arms. Everything about this man turned me on. Even the few small blemishes that teenage acne had left behind on his cheeks managed to look like pure bliss on him.

  Tyler was the perfect mix between smooth sophistication and the rugged streets. He was a clean-cut “good guy” with an edge. He was born in Brooklyn, on the good side of the borough. His father had been a prominent pediatrician, and his mother a tenured professor at NYU. His family was similar to mine—educated, well-to-do black folks who took pride in being educated and well-to-do. But his parents were a bit different from the rest of their social milieu.They were down for the cause, the kind of people who volunteered at soup kitchens and shelters. They used to take Tyler with them because they wanted to teach their son about life outside the walls of their luxury brownstone.

  After his parents were killed in a car accident, he moved down to Virginia where he was raised by his mother’s sister. His parents had left him a sizeable trust fund that had matured when he turned twenty-one, and even though I had no idea of his exact net worth, I knew he was quite comfortable and didn’t have to work if he chose not to. But he loved what he did and wouldn’t give it up for the world. He’d founded his nonprofit organization, Youths First Initiative, after graduating from Morehouse so he could continue what his parents had instilled in him before they died. Today,YFI was one of the most highly respected youth organizations in the country.

  Tyler wasn’t your average guy, he was special. He was intelligent, compassionate, and giving. And that was part of what had attracted me to him in the first place—that and his six-foot frame and tight, lean body. Standing in front of me, he looked fine as hell in his worn, loose-fitting cargo shorts and white I Love New York T-shirt.

  I was sweating like a field hand from lifting boxes, and my makeup and hair had taken a slight beating from the hot sun and humidity, but I still looked cute in my pink shorts and matching tank with silk appliqué.You know I gotta bring it! Although I had to admit, I should’ve taken Emily’s cue and slipped on some comfortable sneakers instead of my wedge-heel sandals because my feet throbbed like they were on fire. But like I said, I looked good, and I could tell that Tyler thought so, too.

  When our eyes finally locked and I concentrated on his, I couldn’t believe what I saw . . . a smile! This man who I’d hurt so badly in the past and hadn’t seen in years was looking at me like a long-lost friend. I tried to compose myself. “So,” I began as I put my hand on my hip, “you came to town just to help your friend move furniture?” I already knew the background story because Tyme had told me, but I asked anyway because it was a start to a conversation that had ended six years ago.

  Tyler shook his head and smiled. “Not entirely. I’m in town for a national youth conference that starts this Monday. I decided to fly in a few days early and just chill for a minute, so I let my boy, Jason, know that I was coming up.That’s when he asked if I’d help his cousin,” he paused, clearing his throat, “because his girl needed a favor.” He said the last part with a smirk.

  “I see,” I replied.

  Tyler and I chatted as we lifted boxes and moved furniture. I found out enough to know that he was still single and that he’d be in town until the end of next week. He was curious about me, too, but he didn’t ask a lot of questions. There were too many ears milling around. I told him I was moving back to DC in a few days, and for some reason he smiled in response. We continued talking and exchanged looks filled with a combination of comfort and caution, but after Tyme returned we kept our distance.

  It was late afternoon when we finally finished unloading the truck. Emily had spent the last few months buying just the right furniture to decorate her new home. She had eclectic taste, and I could see that everything was going to be beautiful once she set it up. As we brought in the last of the boxes, I was already plotting my next move—how I could ditch Tyme and hook up with Tyler later tonight.

  Now I knew exactly why things had never felt right with Tyme. Normally, I would’ve slept with a man like him on the first date, or shortly thereafter. But I’d known him for weeks and we hadn’t done jack. The vibe had never hit me, and that’s because without me even knowing it, his connection to Tyler, though it was distant, made it feel wrong. I usually made terrible decisions when it came to men, but thank God I had trusted my gut in this situation.

  Tyme walked over to me. “Want to go out to dinner or catch a movie later?”

  My first inclination was to tell him the truth. But Tyme was a decent guy, and I wanted to be mindful of his feelings. I would have the opportunity to tell him the real deal at a more appropriate time. So I looked at him and said, “I’m wiped out. I think I’ll just head home and call it a night.” I threw in a little yawn even though I wasn’t the least bit sleepy.Tyler cut me a quick glance and nodded like he knew what was up.

  A slight air of tension filled the room again, as it had earlier this morning, and sensing that things were a little too close for comfort, Ruben and Roger left, but not before giving me two air-kisses and warm hugs. They were a great couple. Then Jason announced that he was taking Tyler back to his hotel, and why did he have the nerve to look directly at me when he said it? Tyme was pissed.

  Nearly an hour later, I was beyond tired as I walked outside and opened the door to my little red convertible. I sat behind the wheel and was about to put my key in the ignition when my cell phone started chirping The Godfather ringtone that I’d set last night for Carl’s number. “Shit!” I mumbled. I sat back in my seat and listened to the music before his call rolled into voice mail. I took a deep breath, then leaned forward to start my engine when my phone rang again. This time it wasn’t the ringtone from hell. I looked at the caller ID and smiled. “Hello,” I answered in my best “sexy” voice. Tyler’s number hadn’t changed, and I was so glad I’d never deleted it from my contact list.

  “Can you talk?” he asked.

  “I wouldn’t have answe
red if I couldn’t.”

  “What’re you doing right now?”

  “Sitting in my car in front of Emily’s house, getting ready to head home.” I was smiling into the phone and I knew Tyler could hear it in each word I spoke.

  “Instead of driving home, why don’t you come over to my hotel room like I know you want to You already know where I’m staying.”

  Yes, I knew where he was staying because I’d overheard him mention it loudly to Daddy when they were talking earlier this afternoon. And he was right again, his hotel room was exactly where I wanted to be! “You want me to come over now?”

  “Sam, I just want to talk.”

  “I’m sweaty and I need to take a shower.”

  “They have running water over here.”

  That was all I needed to hear. I turned on the engine, put my car into drive, and headed straight for the Palomar hotel.

  When Tyler answered the door I was taken aback because he was still wearing his dirty clothes from this afternoon. Before I could censor myself, my thoughts flew from my mouth. “You left Emily’s house over an hour ago. Why haven’t you cleaned up?” I could smell his sweaty man-scent from where I stood.

  Tyler chuckled. “Sam, you haven’t changed a bit.”

  “Sorry,” I said as I looked around his room, “but I heard they have running water up in this joint.”

  We both laughed, and it calmed me. Tyler walked over to the edge of the bed and took a seat while I joined him. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. “Jason had to make a few stops before he dropped me off and it took longer than he thought. I just got back here when I called you, and I didn’t want to jump in the shower because I thought I might miss your knock on the door.”

  I nodded.

  “So, why aren’t you out with your boy?” he asked, looking at me through seductive eyes.

  “Because I wanted to be here with you.”

  We sat in silence. I was dying for him to say something, but because I was the one who’d fucked things up between us, I knew I needed to be the one who took the first step. I tried to look into Tyler’s eyes the same way he was looking into mine, but I couldn’t, so I focused on the lamp sitting on the nightstand as I struggled to speak. “Tyler, I’m so sorry for the way I hurt you,” I began. “There were so many times when I wanted to call you and apologize for what I did, and just ask for your forgiveness. Besides my father, you’re the only man I’ve ever loved.”

  I couldn’t believe I just told him that I loved him. But hey, what did I have to lose? I had already lost him once due to fear and stupidity, and I knew I couldn’t let that happen again.This was my chance to make things right, so I continued. “Yes, Tyler, I loved you. And as messed up as it sounds, that’s why I did what I did. I knew with my track record that I’d eventually find a way to ruin things, so before we went any further I saved us both the trouble.”

  We sat in more silence. I hated the quiet because it was so freakin’ uncomfortable. I shifted in my chair. “Are you going to say anything?”

  He let out a long, heavy sigh and rubbed his hands over his nicely trimmed goatee. “I know, Sam.”

  “You do?”

  “I know your story because it was my story, too. A long time ago when I was young and foolish, I sabotaged a meaningful relationship because I felt I needed to end it before I got hurt. After losing my parents, hurt and loss were something I ran from,” he said as he positioned himself closer to me. “After you and I broke up I tried to figure out what had gone wrong between us, then it hit me like a slap on my face.You played the same game that I’d played in my past. So I understood it.”

  He was talking about his late wife, Juliet. They had been through trials and tribulations before they finally married, only for him to lose her to kidney disease just a few years later. Tyler had suffered many losses, and now my actions made me feel even worse. “I’m so sorry,” I said softly.

  “Me too. But look at us now. We grew from our experiences, and actually, you, our breakup, made me see myself more clearly. Ever since then I’ve been living my life without fear.”

  He paused, reached for my hands, and held them in his. It was a move that startled me. “Sam, you freed me, and that’s why I can look at you and smile. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. Sometimes we have to go through pain so we can find joy.”

  I didn’t cry easily, but Tyler’s words nearly caused me to burst into tears. I could feel the drops coming, but I fought them back. I knew I didn’t deserve the understanding or kindness this man was giving me, and I let him know. “I don’t deserve you,” I said with my head held low.

  Tyler placed his finger under my chin and lifted my face so he could meet my eyes. “You’re a better person than you think you are, and you deserve a lot more than you limit yourself to.”

  This wasn’t the way I thought our evening would flow. I knew I needed to apologize to him and that there might be some tense moments in our conversation, but I never bargained for this. The emotions building inside me were overwhelming, almost frightening. I was never good at handling things in a mature, responsible, or adult manner, but that was the way Tyler operated, and I knew that if I wanted to be with him, that was how I needed to start living my life. So I sucked up my fear, stopped feeling sorry for myself, and smiled back at the man I loved.

  “That’s what I’m talkin’ about.” He grinned. “Now, no more talk about the past or apologies. Let’s bury that baggage where it belongs and move forward, starting this very minute.”

  I smiled with a lightheartedness that I hadn’t felt in years. “Sounds like a plan.”

  I drove to my parents’ house on a mission, making it there in record time. I needed to take a shower, get dressed, and head back over to Tyler’s hotel so we could have a late dinner. I was thinking about which outfit I should wear when I saw the light on in the kitchen. Daddy was sitting at the breakfast table having a meal. I walked in and jumped straight into my good news about Tyler and me. But after a few minutes I could see that something was wrong. “Daddy, how’re you feeling?” I asked.

  “Your old man is beat.”

  I took a seat across from him and studied his tired eyes, slumped shoulders, and five o’clock shadow. I knew my daddy well, and his mood seemed much deeper than sore muscles. It couldn’t be work because when we talked yesterday, he told me that he’d won his big case. Something else had to be wrong. “Is she back?” I asked, referring to Mother. She was the only person I knew who could kill the joy of a multi-million-dollar settlement.

  “No, she’s not getting in until tomorrow morning,” he said with a little relief.

  “Then what’s wrong?”

  “Like I said, I’m beat.You’re still young, but wait until you get my age.”

  “I’m not your age and I’m tired. Emily is, too. As a matter of fact, she’s probably soaking in the tub right now.”

  “Oh, yeah?”

  “Yeah, I just talked to her on my way over here and she’s worn out. She finished unpacking most of her things downstairs and she plans to work on the upstairs when Bradley comes over there tomorrow afternoon.”

  “Hmmm . . .” he said in a questioning tone.

  I read his mind. “Yeah, I know. I’m thinking the same thing, too.” I nodded. “It’s just a matter of time before they get back together. He’s crazy about her.”

  “Is she crazy about him?”

  “Emily’s so emotional right now, she doesn’t know what she wants. Hopefully she’ll come to her senses.”

  Daddy let out a deep sigh.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” I questioned again.

  I was about to grill him when Gerti walked through the back door. “Hey, baby girl.” She smiled and bent over to give me a kiss on my cheek. “Here you go,” she said to Daddy, handing him a box of Epsom salt.

  He stood up slowly. “Gerti, you’re a lifesaver.”

  “Tell me something I don’t know.” She grinned.

  Daddy walked ov
er to me and patted my head like he used to when I was a little girl. “Don’t worry about me, I’m fine. Now, if you ladies will excuse me, I’m going upstairs to take a long soak in the tub.”

  Gerti and I looked at Daddy as he dragged himself down the hall. “Have you noticed anything strange about Daddy lately?” I asked.

  “Strange like what?”

  “His behavior. It seems like something’s really bothering him. He said he’s just tired, but I think there’s more to it. He’s never like this after a big court victory.”

  Gerti picked up her knife and started chopping vegetables at the sink. “He’s all right. Just going through a little adjustment.”

  “Adjustment to what?”

  “Change.” She sighed. “Your father’s a good man, and right now he’s trying to do the right thing and it’s wearing on him.”

  I knew she was talking about Mother. She put Daddy through changes every couple of years, trying to make his life a living hell. One year she made him go to marriage counseling. Ironically, I thought the only thing that could fix their marriage was divorce. If Gerti was right, which she usually was, he might finally make that leap. Thinking about change and making leaps drew my mind back to Tyler, and a smile covered my face when I thought about him.

  “What has you grinning so hard?” Gerti asked.

  I twisted in my seat with excitement as I told her about my visit to Tyler’s hotel room.

  “I always did like Tyler. He’s a fine young man,” Gerti said. “And he’s cute, too.”

  “Gerti, I love him.” When I said it, she stopped cutting up the vegetables and looked at me. She had never heard me make that kind of declaration.

  Gerti wiped her hands on her dish towel and came over to me. She sat down beside me and gave me a warm hug, filling me with emotion as I spoke. “A lot of men have told me that they loved me, but I knew that none of them ever really meant it, and I definitely never told any of them that I loved them back. But I love Tyler. I always have, and I hope he loves me, too.”