Playing the Hand You're Dealt

by Trice Hickman

  Gerti tilted her head. “The question is, do you love yourself?”

  Leave it to Gerti to flip the script on me right in the middle of a soul-stirring confession. I knew what she was getting at—if I didn’t love myself, how could anyone else love me? But it wasn’t that easy, and at the moment I didn’t feel like exploring those emotions, so I brushed off her question with a joke. “Gerti, you know I love me some me.” I laughed, trying to lighten the mood.

  Gerti stared at me, not blinking her eyes. “Sam, I’m gonna tell you something, and I want you to listen up and listen good.There’s more to loving yourself than having confidence and a kiss-my-ass attitude. Loving yourself means taking care of yourself and honoring who you are by not allowing just any and everything into your life. It means honoring your body and your mind. And it means being a bigger person by making amends to those who might not deserve it, and showing love to those who do. If you want that man to love you, you better start working on yourself and the choices you make.”

  I knew that Gerti was right and that she was talking about the two people who I loved and hated most—my son and my mother.

  Chapter 13

  Emily . . .

  The Gift

  “Thanks, Ms. Gerti. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” I smiled. We were sitting at my dining room table eating the baked chicken and steamed vegetables she had brought over. After we finished our delicious meal I gave her a quick tour of my house, carefully dodging the empty boxes that remained from yesterday’s move.

  She raved about how much she loved the rich colors I’d chosen for the walls both upstairs and on the main floor, and the detailed fixtures in the kitchen and bathrooms. I had to say that my house was absolutely beautiful. I had decorated with a mixture of African, Middle Eastern, and Mediterranean influences. It was eclectic, but it was also soothing because everything flowed in harmony.

  After I finished showing Ms. Gerti around, I poured us two glasses of iced tea and we settled comfortably onto my soft living room sofa.

  “You’ve got a really nice place here, Emily.Your mama would be so proud.”

  “Thanks, Ms. Gerti.” I looked over at the picture of my parents on the antique fireplace mantel that Emmanuel had expertly restored.

  “You’re doing the right thing, sugar.” She nodded. “A lot of people aren’t strong enough to do what you’ve done.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You didn’t give in to the feelings you’ve been carrying around for Ed.”

  We stared at each other—her with wisdom and knowing in her eyes, and me with bewilderment in mine. “How did you know?”

  She smiled and shook her head. “I suspected for a long time. I’ve watched you two over the years, how you looked at each other, stealing glimpses when you thought no one was watching. Then after you moved up here I could see it as plain as daylight.”

  “I’m that obvious?”

  “Humph, it ain’t just you, sugar. Ed’s got that look, too. Got it bad, worse than you. He thinks he’s fooling somebody, trying to act like he’s just asking me questions about you because he’s concerned about how you’re coping with things. He knows we talk.” She winked. “But I knew the real reason why he would ask what time you were coming home in the afternoon, if you’d had a good day at work, and if you were going out and making friends.”

  Her words gave me the validation that Ed really did have strong feelings for me. But with that validation came the keen awareness that if Ms. Gerti saw the attraction between us, others probably had, too. “Ms. Gerti, do you think anyone else knows?”

  I was fairly confident that Samantha didn’t have a clue, otherwise she would’ve confronted me by now, so I held my breath as visions of Brenda flashed through my mind. “Do you think Brenda knows?”

  When she shook her head no, I started breathing again.

  “No, Brenda’s too caught up in herself to pay attention to anyone else, and besides, she’d never even suspect you. And Sam, bless her heart, she can barely see what’s in front of her own eyes. You know how your friend is.”

  I’d waited eleven years to feel this way, but now there was a strange weight hanging over the moment. So I did what I thought I needed to do. I let it all out. “I love him,” I confessed. “I’ve loved Ed for so long, right from the beginning. But I couldn’t do anything about it.”

  Ms. Gerti nodded slowly, listening as I continued.

  “I’ve never loved anyone the way I love him. I’ve tried to have relationships and I’ve wanted to fall in love so many times, but my heart just wouldn’t allow it because it already belonged to him.” I felt emotionally drained, but I also felt free because for the first time I was able to release what had been bottled up inside me for years.

  Ms. Gerti smiled. “Oh, Emily. Child, I know what it’s like to love somebody you can’t be with.”

  “You do?”

  “Sure I do. I was young once, and in love.” She sighed, nodding. “I loved a man who I knew I’d never be able to have. It was doomed from the start because we came from different worlds. He was a college student and I was a domestic. He came from one of the most prominent black families in this city, kinda like the Baldwins, only they were a whole lot snootier,” she said, hunching her shoulders. “His people didn’t like the notion of him taking up with a housekeeper from Alabama. But it was good while it lasted, and those sweet memories are still with me to this day.”

  Ms. Gerti smiled, but there was a sadness swimming behind her eyes that made me feel even more pitiful. Was she saying that I was going to end up like her, with nothing but crushed dreams and the bittersweet memories of something that could never be? As if sensing my fear, Ms. Gerti answered my thoughts.

  “I’ve known Ed a long, long time, and I’ve seen him and Brenda fall away from each other over the years, some of it her fault, some of it his.Yeah, she’s stuck-up, selfish, and a pain in the ass. But, sugar, at the end of the day she’s still that man’s wife.”

  “What if he comes to me? What if he doesn’t want that life anymore?”

  “Well, I know that whatever I sit here and tell you, your mind is already made up, right?”

  “I think so,” I sighed. “I love him so much. I just want to be happy. I want to experience real love.”

  “If he comes to you, be prepared for what comes with him.”

  I looked at her, knowing exactly what she meant.

  “You’re gonna gain something, but you’re gonna lose something, too, and once you start down that road, sugar, there ain’t no turning back.You understand me?”

  I thought about the consequences. The wounded feelings and sense of betrayal that were sure to follow. Not just from Brenda, but more importantly, from Samantha. Sleeping with Ed would be a breach of our sisterhood, yet being with him was something I wanted so badly it hurt.

  Ms. Gerti and I both looked up when the doorbell rang. “That’s Bradley,” I said. I had invited him over because I needed to tell him once and for all, face-to-face, that there was no future for us.

  Ms. Gerti shook her head as she stood and gathered her things to leave. “Emily, what you’re about to do is like trying to catch a falling knife.” She sighed. “You sure you don’t want to give it another try with Bradley? He’s such a nice young man.”

  I rose to my feet and walked her to the door. “Yes, he is, but he’s not the one for me.”

  Ruben and I were having dinner at Woodmont Grill. Roger was out of town on business, and Samantha and Tyler were spending the evening together, so the two of us decided we’d hang out. This was one of Ruben’s and Roger’s favorite restaurants, and I could see why. Not only was the food absolutely delicious and the service top-notch, but the low lighting, dark wood-paneled walls, and luminous candles on the tables created an atmosphere ripe for a romantic dining experience. I’d love to have dinner here with Ed.

  “So, what are you going to do about Bradley?” Ruben asked.

  “There’s nothing to do abou
t him,” I responded, taking a bite of my couscous.

  “Chica, that’s one fine man. I can think of a lot of things I could do with him!”

  I laughed. “I’m sure you could. But I told him in no uncertain words that I wasn’t interested in anything beyond friendship.”

  Ruben chomped down on his steak. “You can’t get any more to the point than that.”

  “I had to be honest with him because I’d want the same in return.”

  “Awww, listen to you.You’re such a good girl.”

  I shook my head. “Not really.” If Ruben knew the thoughts that had been running through my mind since last Saturday night, he’d eat those words right along with his succulent filet.

  Ruben looked at me and tilted his head. “Don’t even think that way,” he said, waving his hand as he made a tsking sound.

  “What way?”

  “Emily, just because you want to get down with Samantha’s father, that doesn’t make you a bad person, just a little freaky.” He smiled and winked.

  Somehow I wasn’t surprised that he knew, and it made me rethink what Ms. Gerti had said about no one else suspecting my true feelings for Ed. “It’s a delicate situation,” I said softly.

  I was normally very private about my personal life, but because Ruben already knew my secret I decided to share my feelings with him as I had with Ms. Gerti, opening up about my long-held love for Ed. Don’t ask me why, but my gut told me that I could trust him. After I finished, Ruben stopped eating his food and gave me a look so serious it made me put down my roasted garlic bread. He nodded, his glistening black hair swaying back and forth over his shoulders.

  “Yes, it’s time,” he said, barely above a whisper, as if talking to himself.

  “Time for what?”

  “Emily, I want to tell you something, but I don’t want you to become alarmed or dismiss what I’m about to share with you.”

  “Okay.” I braced myself for the Honey, you’re headed for trouble if you get involved with a married man speech.

  “I have the gift,” he said quietly. He looked into my eyes and held my stare without blinking as he continued. “I have the gift of prophecy. I was born with it. I have the ability to see things that have happened in the past and that will happen in the future. And the spirits speak to me, too.”

  I stared back at Ruben without the apparent alarm he’d expected. All Southerners that I knew had either heard of or knew someone with the gift. For me, that person was Ms. Marabelle.

  When I was ten years old, shortly after my father died, Ms. Marabelle gave me my first reading. I was waiting for my mother after church while she collected canned goods for our youth ministry’s food drive. Ms. Marabelle walked by me with slow, labored steps, then stopped and turned around. When I saw her mouth begin to open I panicked because I didn’t want to hear what she had to say. I knew it wouldn’t be good. She touched my hand with hers, and surprisingly, her heavy-looking fingers felt as light as a feather. “You a good girl, Emily, and you got a good spirit. But you got lots a’ heartache waitin’ on you down the road.You gon’ have yo mama fo’ a good lil spell, but then she gon’ leave you befo’ yo third decade in life . . . fo’ you make yo way to the city.”

  I didn’t know what the old lady’s words meant at the time, but a year later my mother was diagnosed with MS, and I stayed as far away from Ms. Marabelle as I could.

  Then there was the precious little girl I taught in my kindergarten class back in Atlanta. Her name was Alexandria Thornton, and she was the prettiest little thing I had ever seen. She was smart as a whip and was well advanced beyond her years. But sometimes she’d say and do strange things that made the hairs on my arms bristle. It was the same feeling I’d get whenever Ms. Marabelle was near. I suspected this little girl had the gift, too.

  One afternoon when her parents came to pick her up from school, her father suffered a heart attack right there in the parking lot. He survived, but it had been a traumatic scene, and Alexandria took it hard. I gave her a little latitude over the next few weeks, allowing her extra time to herself during nap and recess. On one particular day as she sat alone at her desk, she drew a picture that I found oddly curious. “This is my family,” she said, pointing to the paper on which she had drawn a dark-skinned black woman and a white man holding hands with a cream-colored little girl and a dark-complexioned little boy. Alexandria was biracial and had captured her family perfectly. But I was intrigued because she was an only child, so I wondered about the little boy she’d sketched with chocolate-colored skin and eyes that looked like blue marbles. “That’s my brother, but he hasn’t happened yet,” she told me with a straight face when I inquired.

  Her answer didn’t shock me because I was used to her saying unusual things, but it did unnerve me. At the end of that term she transferred to a different school, but I never forgot her and I often wondered what became of the beautiful little girl who I suspected had the gift. Then last year I was at Lenox Mall doing my holiday shopping when I ran into Alexandria and her family.

  She and her parents remembered me and gave me warm hugs. But what struck me like a bolt of lightning was that her father was holding the hand of a handsome little boy who looked to be about five years old, and shared his same ocean-blue eyes, but was wrapped in the same smooth, cocoa brown skin as his mother. “Christian was born a year after Alexandria left Peachtree County Day,” her mother said. Alexandria had predicted what was to come for her family, right down to the color of her brother’s eyes.

  I never dismissed the supernatural, and I had seen enough to know that I shouldn’t discount what I couldn’t explain. And for that same reason, I knew that Ruben was telling me this because he could see something on the horizon for me. “Something bad is going to happen to me, isn’t it?” I asked, mild fear coating my voice.

  He raised his neatly arched brow. “You’re not surprised by what I just told you?”

  “Ruben, you know I’m from the South.”

  “Yes, but, honey, not everyone is a believer.”

  “Believer or not, I know you wouldn’t be telling me this unless you were serious.You must see something important that I need to know.”

  “Yes, Emily. I’ve sensed it from the moment I met you,” he sighed. I had never seen Ruben this serious, and it made me even more nervous as he continued. “I knew there was a burden hanging over you, something you’d been struggling with for a long time. Then when I met Ed, the mystery was solved.”

  I nodded. “Go on . . .”

  “May I?” he asked, gently motioning to put his hand on top of mine.

  I extended my hand across the table so that we were within each other’s reach. Ruben took a deep breath and gently put his soft hands over mine. I was calmed by the warmth and comfort of his smooth palms. “Yes.” He nodded. “I see, and it’s just as you told me.You’ve loved Ed for a very long time.”

  “Will we end up together?” I implored, sitting on the edge of my seat.

  Ruben paused for a moment, squinting his eyes as if trying to see through fog. “Yes, Emily.You two will be together.”

  I tingled inside. I’d always been skittish about people who claimed to have supernatural powers. I didn’t even read my horoscope because my future always seemed to hold some sort of devastating kink. But now I was overjoyed to know someone with the gift. I squeezed his hand. “Thank you, you’ve just given me the best news I’ve heard in years.”

  Suddenly, Ruben shuddered. Just as quickly as he had blanketed my hands with his, he pulled away. “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  Ruben looked at me like he’d seen a ghost. “I just got the strangest feeling when you squeezed my hand.” He frowned, peering into my eyes. “Oh, no . . . Emily, danger is around you.”

  Hearing those words sent chills down my spine. I straightened my back against the cushioned leather booth. “What kind of danger?”

  I knew there were risks involved with entering into a relationship with a married man. I’d even thought about the
possibility of Brenda finding out and creating a scene. I didn’t think she was a violent person, but if she were emotionally hurt and had been drinking, who knew what she was capable of. Over the last few weeks Samantha had told me some crazy stories about her mother’s tirades that had left me shocked and made me finally see where my best friend got her penchant for drama. Ruminating over what Ruben had just told me, I knew I had to push ahead with the obvious question. “Will someone get hurt, physically?”

  He reached for my hands again, holding them for a long pause. Finally, he said, “Yes, Emily. I’m afraid so.”

  I gulped hard. The tone in his voice put the familiar bristle on my arms that I always felt whenever I was about to hear bad news. He held my hands tightly as he prophesied my bad fate. “I see confusion, chaos, shouting, and bright lights,” he rattled off, squinting again, closing his eyes so he could fully concentrate.

  Our server came by the table to refill our water glasses, but when he saw Ruben straining and me looking frightened in his grip, he eased away and left us alone. “I see uniforms,” Ruben continued, “I think it’s the police.Yes, it’s the police, Emily.”

  “Oh God.”

  Ruben gritted his teeth. “Someone’s going to get hurt.”

  “How badly?”

  He shook his head, concentrating harder. Slowly, he opened his eyes and looked at me. “I see death.”

  Sweet Jesus! My heart pounded and my ears rang. Our relaxed dinner had turned into a nightmare. I wanted to end the conversation, go home, and bury my head under the covers. But I had to know more. “Is it because of my involvement with Ed?”

  He nodded. “Yes, Emily. I’m sensing that the danger is connected to him.”