Knotted Roots

by Kight, Ruthi

  “Ugh, Mom. This has nothing to do with guilt. I have a lot to feel guilty about, sure, but that has nothing to do with this. Now, no more questions about this. Why don’t you tell me how things are going with you two?” I asked as I briefly glanced at each of them. Neither of them looked eager to talk about the divorce. Every time I had spoken to them on the phone they had each avoided answering me.

  “There’s nothing to really tell. The paperwork will be finalized in a few weeks,” replied Dad. He was tense. His body looked coiled, ready to attack, or defend against an attacker.

  Something felt wrong about the whole situation. He had been so adamant about the divorce when I left, but now it seemed like he was regretting it. “That’s...good. I guess...” I didn’t know what else to say about it. I wasn’t happy about it, so I wasn’t about to pretend that I was. At the same time, I wasn’t that upset about it either.

  “It is what it is, I guess.” Dad’s voice was sad and resigned. I had the sudden urge to fix this. If it was possible.

  “This may sound odd...but hear me out,” I began, tightening my grip on the steering wheel. “The paperwork isn’t finalized, right? I mean...couldn’t you guys give it another go?”

  “Roxie...” my mom began. “It won’t work baby. Your father and I...we need to be apart for a while. We need the time to work things out for ourselves.”

  A loud sigh sounded from Dad, but his attention was focused on the scenery that passed by his window. “Dad? Are you okay?” I asked, hoping to open him up. I could tell he needed to say something, but there was something holding him back.

  “What?” He turned to look at me and, if it was even possible, he looked even sadder. “Oh, no, I’m fine. Your mother’s right. It’s not possible.”

  I tried to ask him what he meant, but they both clammed up immediately. Mom seemed more on edge than ever. She played with the strap of her purse, rubbing her fingers over the smooth leather constantly. I decided to let it go. For now. I would find out later what was going on with the two of them.

  * * * *

  I was so relieved when we finally turned onto the dirt road that would take us to Grandma’s house. The ride had been strained since our earlier conversation and I was dying to get out of the truck. Mom and Dad were being civil to each other, but to me that was worse than yelling. At least there was passion when they screamed.

  “This is where you grew up?” asked Dad with awe in his voice. “You never told me-”

  “Yes. This is where I grew up. And I didn’t tell you because it didn’t matter.”

  I looked at both of them and shook my head. One more thing that Dad would be able to hold over Mom’s head. Neither of us had ever given much thought as to why she had kept quiet about her childhood. I remembered asking him once, when I was a child, why she avoided the questions, but he couldn’t give me a straight answer.

  I parked the truck and got out, the humidity no longer taking my breath away, but still stifling. I waited for them to get their luggage from the back, then turned and walked up to the front door of the house. Mom was slowly making her way behind me, but there was hesitancy in her steps. I met her eyes, but she quickly averted them. She looked scared, but I couldn’t figure out what could be bothering her so much.

  Before we made it to the top of the stairs Grandma opened the door, her apron covered in flour, and the smell of freshly baked cookies wafted towards us. I inhaled deeply, taking in the delicious scent. She hadn’t made cookies since I was here, so I was a little bit shocked that she actually knew how. She rarely did any cooking, now that I thought about it.

  “Cal,” she nodded at my dad, and then turned her attention to her daughter. “Angela. It’s good to see you two again. Come on in.” She turned and moved out of the doorway. We all walked in, everyone avoiding making eye contact with each other. So odd.

  I walked into the living room and sat down on one of the armchairs, slipping my leg over one of the arms as I watched my parents sit down on the couch. They sat at opposite ends, neither of them wanting to be close to the other. When Grandma made her way in, her lips were set in a tight line and she appeared to be quite upset.

  “You two need to remove the corn cobs in your rears right now. This here is my home, and I won’t have that kind of crap going on,” she said as she swatted my leg off the arm of the chair. I sat up straight and watched as she approached them. “Now, we all know that you two are getting divorced. It’s no secret. But that’s not why you’re here. Right?” She directed the last part at me and I nodded in agreement.

  “I know why we’re here. And I’m completely against the idea. Roxie is entirely too young-”

  “Stop. Right there. You may know why you’re here, but I don’t. Roxie? It’s time you tell me what’s going on,” she said as she sat down between Mom and Dad. I drew in a deep breath as I tried to find my words. I had to make sure I said this right, or all of them would squash my idea in a heartbeat.

  “Well...I called Mom and Dad earlier this week and told them my idea,” I began, my voice shaking. “I was thinking that...maybe, if you’d want me...that I could stay.”

  Grandma looked at me for a moment, her face a mask of confusion. “Stay? As in not go back to New York?” I nodded. “Roxie, baby, you don’t have to do that. I’ll be fine, I promise. I could never ask you-”

  “But you’re not asking. I want to stay. I want to be here with you. I don’t want...I mean...you’re dying and-” Grandma held up her hand to stop me. I gasped for air, my lungs suddenly working against me. Before I could have a complete meltdown I felt arms engulf me, pulling me to a solid chest. Shocked, I looked up into Chase’s beautiful face. “What are you doing here?”

  “Betty called me. Told me you might need me,” he said with a smile. My savior. I could feel my body reacting to his, sending a flush to my face. I looked over at my parents who were both watching us like hawks.

  “Roxanne? Who is this?” asked Dad as he stood up and walked over to us. He extended his hand to Chase who shook it. “I’m Roxanne’s father. It’s nice to meet you...”

  “Chase. It’s nice to meet ya sir,” he replied as he dropped my dad’s hand. The two most important men in my life stared at each other for a brief moment before my dad took a step back, dropping his heated gaze. “I’ve heard so much about you both.”

  My dad’s face broke into a mischievous grin. “I wish I could say the same, son. Roxanne hasn’t been very forthcoming with that information.”

  “Okay folks. Let’s get back on topic here,” said Grandma. “Roxie wants to stay. As much as I would love to say yes to this, I think it would be a good idea for everyone to think about this.” She turned to face me. “Baby, I know you think you want this. And I want you to want this. But this is not the best place for you. I’m sick, and there’s no telling when I’ll get worse. I want you to think on it for a few more days.”

  I shook my head and stared her in the eyes. “Grandma, I know what I want. I want this,” I said as I waved my hands around the room. “I want to wake up each morning knowing that I get to see you for another day. I want to spend my days with you on the farm. I want a life filled with people who are genuine and true.” I turned and looked at my parents. “Mom. Dad. I love you both, and I love the life you have given me. But it’s not what I want anymore. I have real friends here. They love me here. Please, don’t take this away from me.”

  Their faces fell in disappointment. I knew I had hurt them with my words, but I had to be honest with them. One thing I had learned from being here was that being completely honest was the only way to be. “Say something. Please.” I couldn’t stand their silence. I dreaded their answer, but I had to hear it. My future literally hung in the balance in that moment.

  “Give them time to think baby,” Grandma spoke first. “They’re here for the weekend. Y’all can talk about this again before they leave.”

  I nodded and grabbed Chase’s hand. My parents were still staring at me, their eyes glassy with t
ears. I wanted to run over to them and hug them, but I knew if I did I would change my mind. I had to prove to them that I was completely sure of my choice, and that meant walking away at that moment. As Chase and I walked out of the living room I could hear my mother break down. Her sobs were pulling at me, begging me to turn around. I kept walking, Chase’s hand squeezing mine as we walked away from the most important people in my life.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  As I stared at the calm pond water in front of me, I leaned back into Chase’s chest, both of us wanting to be as close as possible right then. There was a real possibility that my parents would decide to take me back to New York when they left. I let out a loud sigh and felt Chase wrap his arms around me, enclosing us in our own personal world. A world that was just the two of us.

  “What happens if they say no?” I whispered.

  “Nothing. You go back to New York and we keep in touch. I’ll try to visit when I’m on break from school. We’ll make it work,” he replied confidently.

  “Long distance relationships are doomed for failure. You know that, right?” I twisted my head around to look at him. “Add on top of that the fact that we’re a summer fling. Where does that leave us? Our chances of making it are zip.”

  “Ya wanna know why all of those relationships didn’t last? ‘Cause they’re not us. That’s why. I have faith in us,” he said before he planted a kiss on my forehead. He was so calm about this while I was a nervous wreck. I had to resist the urge to bite my nails, a habit that had plagued me since early childhood.

  I let loose a laugh, starting out small, then building into a fit of giggles. I gasped for air as I tried to stop, but every time I looked at his face, and the shock there, I started laughing even more. “I don’t remember saying something funny.” I laughed even harder, this time causing him to let me go and stand up. He brushed off his pants and stared down at me. “When you’re done laughing at me, I’d like to head back to the house.”

  It took me a few more minutes, but I finally got myself under control. “I’m,” I inhaled deeply, “sorry. I don’t know why I found that so funny.” I smiled at him, but he didn’t return the gesture. “I’m sorry, I am. I just thought it was funny. I mean, how many times have people said those exact words? It just seemed so...so...cliché.”

  His face began to turn a deep shade of red as he stood up straight, pulling his shoulders back. “Cliché. Got it. Maybe it is cliché, but laughing at someone when they are trying to tell you how they feel...” He rubbed his hands over the back of his neck. “Do you even know what you mean to me? I mean...shit...” He fell to his knees in front of me, pulling my hands into his. My throat went dry as the serious look on his face registered in my brain.

  “Chase...what are you...what’s going on?” I was beyond confused how this conversation had switched directions. I had only seen him this serious a few times before, and we had been fighting then, not professing feelings for each other.

  “I’m clearing the air here. Just give me a minute,” he said as he took a shuddering breath. “You know I care about you, right?” I nodded. “I feel more for you than just that. I think...I mean, I know...I’m falling in love with you.”

  I stared at him, my heart galloping in my chest. Did he really just tell me that he loved me? Yes! I couldn’t breathe. I tried to focus on my own words, but the only sounds that I could make were incoherent. I was completely shocked. I cared about him, sure, but I couldn’t believe that he dropped the L bomb on me so soon. We had only been official for a short time. I began to shake as I tried to absorb his words.

  “Roxie?” He released my hands and sat back on his feet. “I could use a response right about now.” I looked to the ground, avoiding his eyes, as I tried to make sense of what was happening.

  I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say those words to him. I tried to open my mouth to tell him what I felt, but my mouth was being held in a vise grip. My tongue had suddenly become too thick to help my mouth form words. I knew I looked half crazed at that moment, and in all honesty, I felt like it too. I had never said those words to someone, other than my parents, of course. Did I care about him? Yes. But did I love him? I didn’t know.

  I jumped to my feet and backed away, hugging myself as I felt the tremors running through my body. “Ch...Chase. I’m sorry.” I shook my head as I looked at his distraught face. “I have to go.” I couldn’t stand to look at his forlorn face anymore, so I did the one thing I knew how to do. I ran away. Again.

  * * * *

  I could hear Mom and Dad bickering when I got home, their voices carrying throughout the house. I wouldn’t face them like this, so I ran upstairs to my room. I grabbed my bath paraphernalia and locked myself in the bathroom. It was the one place in the world that I could really think. I wouldn’t have to worry about upsetting someone else, or screwing up again. I could just be.

  I could still hear them downstairs, but this time it didn’t bother me. I was content in the large tub that I had enjoyed so many times. The tub that felt safe. When my phone rang on the counter I ignored it. It would be one of three people, and I couldn’t bring myself to talk to any of them. In that moment I realized how much I missed Katy already. She hadn’t been by since I got home from the hospital, but she did call.

  I got out of the tub, wrapped my towel around me, and picked up the phone. I looked at the missed call, noting Brian’s number, and quickly dialing Katy’s instead of calling him back.

  “Y’ello?” she answered.

  “Katy? Hey. It’s Roxie. You feel up to a girl’s night out?” I sat down on the edge of the tub, nervously playing with the edge of the towel.

  “Umm...I don’t know. I kinda have plans tonight.”

  “Oh. Okay. Well...that’s cool. Just thought I would call and ask.” I was about to hang up when I heard her yell.

  “Wait! Crap...would you like to come with me? I’m heading to the movies with some friends, if you wanna come,” she replied. She sounded nervous, but maybe that was just me being ridiculous.

  “Sure. Who all is going?” I asked. I stood up, grabbed my clothes with my free hand, and walked to my room. “I mean, I don’t want to intrude or anything.”

  “It’s just…some friends. They’re from school.” There it was again. She sounded like she was worried. I couldn’t stand it any longer.

  “Katy? What’s going on? And don’t tell me nothing. I can hear it in your voice.” I threw my stuff on the bed and walked to the closet, the phone tucked between my ear and shoulder.

  “Nothing,” she said quickly. “I’ll pick you up at seven, okay? I gotta run. See you then!” I didn’t have time to respond before I heard the line go dead. I stared down at the phone and shook my head. She’s hiding something. And I’m going to find out what it is.

  I got dressed quickly, throwing on jeans and a cute top, barely glancing at myself in the mirror as I ran out my room. I could smell dinner cooking downstairs, and the lack of screaming told me that Mom and Dad were finally done arguing. When I reached the kitchen I could hear Mom and Grandma in the kitchen talking.

  “Mom, I don’t think it’s a good idea. I mean, have you looked at her lately? She’s not even doing her hair anymore!” said Mom, her tone half-hushed, like a loud whisper. I heard a drawer slam before Grandma responded.

  “That’s the point Angela. She’s not the same person she was two months ago. She’s grown, or haven’t you noticed anything besides her appearance?” I heard another drawer slam causing me to wince. “She’s open, and caring, and friendly. She was none of those things when she got here. Whatever is happening with her, it’s a good thing. Not a negative.”

  I smiled as I listened to my Grandma defending me. It was nice to know that she had been paying such close attention to me. I was slightly offended that she didn’t think I was all those things before, but I could see why she said that. I had grown. In a great way. I pushed open the door, halting their conversation. Both of them looked at me like they had been caught with
their hands in the cookie jar.

  “Hey y’all. What’s for dinner?” I asked as I sat down at the table.

  “Did you just say ‘y’all’?” asked Mom incredulously. She spun to face Grandma. “See? That’s slang, Mother! She’s speaking like you now!”

  “You say that like it’s a bad thing,” I said with a smile. I stood up and walked over to Grandma, then placed my arms around her in a hug. “I’m hungry. Is it chow time now?” I gave her a devilish grin, enjoying giving my mother another reason to freak out.

  “It sure is darlin’. Go on over yonder and have a seat. I’ll bring it right on to ya,” said Grandma in her thickest Southern accent. We both started laughing at the look of abject horror on Mom’s face. When she stormed out of the room, huffing and puffing, we both lost it. It felt good to have that moment with Grandma.

  “Thank you,” I said, planting a kiss on her forehead. She squeezed me again, and then released me.

  “Ya know, she’s probably up there taking one of her anxiety pills right now. We should be ashamed of ourselves.” She winked at me and walked out the room. I watched her go, suddenly very conscious of how long we had left together. I knew, right then, that no matter what happened I had to convince my parents to let me stay. I couldn’t miss out on one more moment with Grandma. She had stolen my heart this summer, giving me something, and someone, to love. I had to stay until the end; otherwise I would regret it for the rest of my life.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  The sweltering heat was cut off as soon as I shut the door to Katy’s car. Her air conditioning was working overtime, desperately trying to fight the stifling summer heat. I looked over at her and suddenly felt underdressed. She was dressed in a white sheath with a lace overlay, with tiny pearls on the trim. It was a stunning dress, but it seemed to be a little bit much for a night at the movies.

  “Wow. Katy, you look great!” I looked down at my jeans and tank top, and for the first time in my life I felt uncomfortable in what I was wearing. “Did I miss the memo for the dress code?”