Knotted Roots

by Kight, Ruthi

  She giggled and pulled out of the yard. “There’s been a change of plans. No one wanted to go to the movies. We’re meeting them at the beach.”

  I stared at her, hoping and praying that she was joking. “The beach? As in Myrtle Beach? That’s an hour away!”

  “Yep. That’s the one,” she replied, pursing her lips as she looked in the rearview mirror. “Don’t worry, okay? It’s gonna be fine.”

  Shaking my head, I stared out the window. “He’s going to be there, isn’t he?” I turned to look at her, her eyes avoiding me at all costs. “Katy! No. Please! Take me home. I need to go home.” I wasn’t ready to see Chase again. I had already run away from him too many times. I knew that he would never forgive me for doing it again, especially after he poured his heart out to me.

  “I don’t know if he’ll be there. So what if he is?” She glanced at me, her eyes drooping when she saw the sheer panic on my face. “You ran. Didn’t you? Dammit Roxie! How many times are you going to screw it up?”

  “Way to make me feel better.”

  “I’m not here to make you feel better. I’m here as your friend. Stop screwing shit up with him. Haven’t you two been through enough drama this summer? It’s like a bad episode of Dawson’s Creek.”

  I laughed at her comparison. She was right. We had been back and forth so many times that it was starting to feel like an overrated teen show. I knew that I had to figure out what I felt for him, but I couldn’t do that with him there. It’s impossible to get your head on straight when you’re being pulled in a thousand directions at one time.

  “Look...I really care about him. I do. But when he dropped the L bomb-”

  “Whoa! He said he loves you?!” The car jerked as her voice rose higher. “Well no freaking wonder you ran away! I’m going to knock him out when I see him. Geez...”

  My hand was on my chest as my heart fluttered rapidly. “It’s not that he said it...it’s that he feels that way. It scares me, ya know? It just feels too fast.”

  The words were barely out of my mouth when she jerked the car over to the side of the road. She cut the car off and then positioned her body so that she was facing me. Her face was serious, a look that was very rare on her face.

  “I get it. You’re scared. You wonder how he could feel like that about you so quickly. Here’s the hard reality Roxie. He was done the first moment he met you. I still remember that day, after he met ya in the diner?” I nodded along, not quite sure where she had gotten that idea. “The next day all he could do was talk about how beautiful you were. You made an impression on him. He knew that day that he was in love.”

  I shook my head in protest. “You can’t love someone that quickly. It’s not rational.”

  “Who told you that love was rational?” She giggled at me as she ran a hand over her dress. “I have been in love with the same guy since I was five years old. I have tried for years to get him to see me as something more than a friend, but it wasn’t meant to be. And now I know why.”

  I saw the tears glistening in her eyes. I grabbed her hand and squeezed. “Chase?” She nodded as the first tear rolled down her pink cheek. “All this time...why didn’t you tell him how you felt?”

  “Because it wouldn’t have mattered. He isn’t my future. He’s yours. I knew it the first day he spoke about you. So, maybe you can’t imagine how he can be in love with you so quickly, but he is. He’s lost right now, clinging to the hope that maybe you’ll change your mind and love him back.”

  My chest hurt like hell at that moment. It felt like there were a thousand tiny needles probing my heart, all of them trying to find a weak spot at the same time. The feeling was uncomfortable to say the least and my mind struggled to catch up to what my heart was telling me.

  When it hit me, it took all of my strength not to crumble right there beside Katy. “I love him, don’t I?” My voice was barely more than a whisper, but I was sure she heard me. She nodded and gave me a pained smile. “What do I do now? I don’t know what to say to him. I’ve screwed up so much...”

  “Love is all about the screw ups. It’s what makes it so sweet when things finally fall into place. Tell him the truth. Be sappy, be weepy...hell, body slam against a wall with a deep, earth shattering kiss. I don’t care how you do it. Just tell him. He deserves to know.”

  With that final word Katy cranked up the car and pull back onto the road. The pained look on her face was still there, but the new sense of satisfaction was simmering just below the surface. She had gotten through to me when no one else could. I doubted things would be that easy when I was face to face with Chase again, but I now knew what I had to do. I had to tell him I loved him. Before it was too late.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  As we pulled into the almost deserted parking lot, my nerves were on edge. I could see the beach from where we were parked, the waves noisily crashing against the sand as I breathed in the salty air. I had never been to the beach before, but my first time there was sure to be memorable. I didn’t see Chase’s truck in the lot, but she had sent him a text making sure he would be there. He had replied with a simple yes only minutes before we arrived.

  We got out of her car and made our way to the wooden bridge that would carry us across the sand dunes to where a group of kids our age were already set up. I could smell a fire that seemed to be burning nearby, but when we got closer I was shocked to see a huge bonfire blazing. There were logs set up all around, all of them equipped with teenagers holding red Solo cups. I shook my head as I began to imagine what they were drinking by the fire.

  We stopped about ten feet away as Katy grabbed my hand. Her phone was buzzing from within her purse. She took it out and looked at the screen. After a moment she sent a short reply and replaced it in her purse. I looked at her questioningly, but she just smiled at me.

  “So...I didn’t exactly tell Chase that you were with me. He’s on his way over to meet me right now. Just play it cool, okay?” She gave me a reassuring smile as she fiddled with the strap of her purse.

  “Katy! Why didn’t you tell him? He’s gonna be pissed!” I threw my hands up in the air, letting them fall quickly to my side when I saw the approaching figure. His steps were fast and sure at first, and then faltered when our eyes met. He slowly made his way to us, his eyes blazing in anger.

  “Katy! What’s she doing here?” he asked, jerking his thumb in my direction.

  “She’s here with me. Deal with it Chase.” She stood up straighter, squaring off with him. “I thought you two should talk.”

  He gave a short laugh, but there was no joy in it. “No thanks. I’ve got better things to do tonight.” He turned to leave and my instincts kicked in. I reached out and grabbed his arm, but he jerked it away, glaring at me with hate in his eyes. “Don’t. Touch. Me.”

  “Chase. Please. I need to talk to you.” I would grovel if I had to. I wasn’t leaving without telling him what I felt, once and for all. “I swear, just give me a chance. If you don’t like what I have to say, I’ll never bother you again.”

  He stared into my eyes, unblinking, for what felt like eternity. He finally released a sigh and his shoulders eased a little bit. “You’ve got five minutes. Speak quickly.”

  I looked at Katy, who nodded, then walked towards the roaring fire. I turned my attention to Chase who was already walking away, towards the water. I followed him until we were less than a foot from the frothy water. He bent over and took off his shoes, his toes wiggling in the warm sand. He sat down, and then motioned for me to sit as well. Once we were finally both sitting, I turned to face him.

  “First, I’m sorry for running away. I was scared. You caught me off guard,” I said as I clasped his hand in mine. “That’s not a good excuse, I know, but I’m hoping you understand why I was scared. We’ve only known each other a few months and yet you were already saying you love me. That’s scary as shit.”

  I looked into his eyes, but the anger was still there. I hadn’t expected him to just forgive me, but I had h
oped that some of his pain would have lessened with my confession. There was nothing left to do but keep going.

  “It took Katy tearing me a new one for me to realize that I have been so, so stupid. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.” I shook my head, clearing away the fog. “I’m not the same person I was when I got here...and I have you to thank for that. You have taught me so much this summer. I don’t want to leave...but I don’t want to stay if you hate me. I couldn’t handle seeing you everywhere, knowing how you felt about me at one time...and how stupid I was to let it go.

  “Please give me one last chance. I...I love you, Chase. I love you more than I’ve ever loved someone before. You are my muse, my reason, my everything. I refuse to let my doubts and fears get in the way of what I want ever again.” I took a deep breath. “This is me. Asking for one more. One more day, one more week, whatever you will give me. I want whatever you’re willing to give.”

  He didn’t speak; he simply stared at our hands. His fingers didn’t rub against mine as they normally did. I held my breath, scared to take a breath for fear he would vanish, taking my heart with him. I had never spoken truer words in my life. I had laid my heart and soul at his feet with the possibility of him kicking it back at me with a snarl.

  When he raised his head our eyes met and I was shocked to see tears in his eyes. I felt tongue-tied by the emotions waged across his face. I thought back to the first time we met, when my brain short circuited in his presence. He was no longer the carefree boy I imagined him to be. He was broken, just like me, but together...together we were two halves of the same whole, made complete by the other.

  “Roxie...I love you. I think I always will. But I don’t know,” he said with a quivering voice. “What if you run again? I don’t think my heart can take it again.”

  “I can’t promise I won’t try again. It’s all I’ve ever known. But I want to try. All I ask is that you give me the chance.” I was nearing my breaking point. If he didn’t give me this chance I would fall apart, right before his eyes. I needed this like I needed air. I couldn’t breathe without him in my life.

  He let go of my hand, the loss of the feel of his skin against mine felt like the end of my life, but when his fingers found my chin, my hope was restored. He lifted my face so we were eye level with each other. His fingers stroked my chin, making their way to my lips. He ran his fingers gently over my lips, his rough skin felt heavenly against the soft skin of my mouth.

  A sigh escaped my lips, the taste of his fingers lingering on my lips. When he pulled his fingers away I wanted to scream. I wanted those fingers on my skin at all times, the need gnawing at my heart. He smiled the first genuine smile of the night and my heart swelled with glee. If I could bottle my version of happy, it would be this moment. My heart was pounding with love, the excitement coursing through my body.

  “I think I can handle that.” He smiled at me, his white teeth sparkling in the dark. “But I have one condition. You can’t, under any circumstances...stop...loving me.”

  I laughed out loud, my voice ringing in my ears as I clambered to my knees. I threw myself at him, slamming my body into his, knocking him to the ground. We were both laughing, our faces mere inches apart. His hands encircled my waist, pulling me flush with his body. My chest was pressed against his and I could feel the steady beat of his heart, in sync with my own.

  Our eyes locked together, the electricity between us humming as I glanced at his lips. They were the most beautiful lips I had ever seen on any guy. I had the sudden urge to taste them again. This time, I wouldn’t hesitate or run away. I closed the gap between us, pressing my lips against his. He immediately responded, opening his mouth as his tongue slipped out. He licked at my lips as I nipped at his bottom lip.

  A groan escaped my lips as I moved on top of him. I could feel his response to me pressing persistently against me. I was feeling the same need for him, my body shaking with desire. I kissed him again, pulling his breath from his body into mine, joining our bodies together. I rubbed against him, feeling him grow even harder beneath me. He groaned and shifted me up his body, taking the pressure off of his groin.

  “You’re killing me Roxie,” he said as he ran his hands up and down my sides, his fingers grazing the sides of my breasts. “We have to stop. I refuse to ‘make you a woman’ out here on the beach.” He let out a shaky laugh, his breath slowly evening out.

  I laughed at him and smiled down at him. “You’re right. Where’s your truck?”

  He laughed and kissed me again. “I’m a simple kind of guy, with simple morals. I won’t be taking anything like that from ya until we’re married.”

  I wanted to run again, but I didn’t. I knew what he was implying, but in that moment I was okay with it. He wasn’t proposing right then, but he was honest about where he wanted this to go. I could handle that. Sure, it was still scary, but I was ready. No more running away. No more letting fear rule my life.

  I rolled off of him, and curling against him, and rested my head on his shoulder. We both stared up at the clear sky above us. The stars were plentiful, sparkling in the dark sky overhead. The scene was something straight out of one of those cheesy romance movies, but at that moment, I was glad to be the reluctant heroine. There was no knight in shining armor set on rescuing me, but there was a country boy in faded denim who loved me.

  In the grand scheme of things, that was enough. I didn’t need him to save me from anyone or anything except myself. He managed to mold and shape me in ways no one else had been able to. He gave me a life I never knew I wanted, blinding me with love. Was I scared of telling my parents? Hell yes. But I would do it. I wanted to shout my feelings from the rooftop of every building in Perry Point. I wanted the world to know that I had found what I’d been missing.

  I had finally found what it truly meant to be home.

  EPILOGUE

  As I sit here on my bed, my cap and gown hanging on the back of my door, I close my eyes and take a deep breath. It’s hard to believe that in less than two hours I’ll be free of high school. I’ll be taking another step into the real world, leaving behind one more chapter of my life. It’s hard to believe that this moment is real. It feels like I’ve been waiting forever to walk across that stage.

  Mom and Dad are downstairs with Chase, all of them anxious to get to the school. Me? I’m not ready. I look over at my side table and find Grandma’s smiling face looking back at me. I pick up the picture and run my finger over her face. Dressed in her red sweater with the horrible reindeer emblazoned on the front, I remember picking on her that morning about how hideous it looked.

  I remembered her begging me to take a picture of her in it so I would never forget how awful it looked. Looking at the picture now, I couldn’t help but smile. It was our first Christmas together and she had wanted to make sure that it was my best ever. I would always remember how she had scrambled to find the perfect present for me, spending hours online and in the mall, but never finding what she called the perfect thing.

  She had no idea that she had already given me the perfect gift. That hot weekend last summer, when my parents had visited, she had begged them to let me stay. They argued for hours, always coming up with another reason why I should leave or stay. Ultimately, Grandma won. She pulled the trump card: cancer. When my parents finally relented I jumped for joy. For once, they were putting my needs and wants before their own.

  We talked about what would happen if Grandma passed away while I lived with her, but I assured them that I could handle it. I wasn’t delusional enough to think that she would live forever. I knew that there was a possibility that I would have to watch her die, but I was prepared. Or so I thought.

  I was one month away from graduation when her health took a turn for the worst. It started as a simple cold, but with her immune system already in the crapper, she didn’t stand a chance. She spent two weeks in the hospital and then finally succumbed to the sickness. Chase was there with me the whole time. He held me while I cried
and calmed me when I raged about how unfair it all was.

  I had hoped that she would make it to see me walk the stage, but God had called her home before we planned. There was no way to plan something like death, but she kept telling me that she’ll go when she’s good and ready. Looks like she was overruled in the end. As I stared at her picture in my hands I let the tears fall freely. I wouldn’t hold them back today. I knew she was watching over me every day, holding me tightly to her chest. She would never really leave me.

  I heard the footsteps coming up the stairs as I sat the picture back on the dresser. With no knock at all, my mother entered my bedroom. She was impeccably dressed, as usual, in her Donna Karen suit and classic pumps. Even after 10 months of being officially divorced she was still holding herself together. She and Dad were civil with each other, arguing occasionally, but it wasn’t as terrible as it used to be.

  “We’re ready when you are baby,” she said as she walked over to me. She sat down and pulled me to her side. “You okay?”

  I nodded as I wiped the tears from my face. “Yeah, I was just thinking about Grandma. Looking at her picture, ya know?”

  “She was so proud of you. I’m so proud of you. Even with Grandma...passing...you held it together and made it here.” She squeezed me tighter. “I know she wanted to be here today. It was all she ever talked about. Every time she called she would tell me how great you were doing in school. Or how helpful you were around here and the farm. You were the light of her life.”

  “Thanks Mom. I miss her. So much,” I said as the tears began to fall again.

  “I know. I do too,” she whispered against my head. We hugged and cried together, something we hadn’t done since I was a little girl. It felt so right to have her there with me. It had taken a while for her to get over her hurt feelings when I decided to stay in South Carolina. I couldn’t really blame her for feeling that way, but our relationship had suffered because of it.