Fragged: A BWWM Military Romance

by Paige Notaro

  I clapped the sides of my head, and the thought faded. It had been a strange week. Time to go try to relax.

  I clipped downstairs in heels, careful to hold the railings. Mamá sat on a living room couch in her usual nightgown, knitting something with her eyes glued to CNN. She peeked back at me and clicked her tongue.

  “Ah, mija, you look so beautiful. Elsa, look at how your sister is dressing.”

  I realized that my sister was buried in the far couch, her dark sweatpants blending into the plush cushions. She looked up from her phone, and even smiled a little. “Not bad.”

  “Thanks, pepita.”

  I smiled warmly at her, even as she went right back to the screen. She could be sexting whoever she wanted, but if she was home on a weekend night, then it couldn’t be that serious. Maybe my good behavior was already having an effect.

  I called an Uber and went to get a glass of water before it came. I caught another reflection of myself in the darkened window, my skin only faintly visible against the darkness. I looked so serious. I tried to smile, but then only my teeth and eyes showed in a Cheshire-cat grin.

  I needed to loosen up. This was supposed to be a fun night. I was only trying to see if I could enjoy myself around someone different.

  Mamá came up to me. I let her grip my shoulders and turn me around. She had such strength in her to raise two daughters alone. I hadn’t made her life easy.

  She beamed up at me, and my eyes suddenly felt moist. Ugh, what was making me so damn sentimental these days?

  I blinked and made a face. “What?” I asked.

  “Nothing. You look so much like an adult.”

  “I am an adult.”

  “Ah, that is just a word. Adult or not, it matters who you ask. But I am your mother, you can’t trick me just by putting on clothes, Mija.”

  “I’ve always had these clothes.”

  “But today they are a costume. They are for someone else. You are trying to put on a show right?”

  My head went red hot at the thought of giving Lem a show. She hadn’t meant it that way, but the idea didn’t sit easy at all once stirred up.

  “I just want to look a bit classy.”

  “You want to look like you know who you should be.”

  There was a sudden clarity in her eyes. Maybe it was always there, but I was just seeing it now.

  “Yes,” I said.

  Mama shook her head. “You will never be just one person, Mija. Life will keep changing you. Being adult means maybe this change slows down, but it never stops.”

  “Oh.”

  “There is still big changes left for you.” She wagged a finger in my face. “But that doesn’t mean you should force them.”

  I nudged out of her remaining grip. “I’m not forcing anything.”

  “I thought you say you didn’t like this doctor?” she said. “So why are you doing this? Why are you going out with him?”

  “I…it can’t hurt to just see if there’s something more there.”

  “Pfft.” She waved her hand. “You girls don’t know romance anymore. You think I had to force anything with your father? I knew he was the man I would marry the moment I saw him.”

  “Aw.” My heart warmed remembering old pictures of the two of them together. They really had been a perfect couple. “But Dad was a great guy. I don’t really go for great guys.”

  “You think my family thought he was a great guy? He was only a student, and with such dark skin. I know, I know, it is not good to admit, but my family did not like him at all for this.”

  “I think the issues with my guys run deeper than skin, Mamá.”

  She smiled and shook my head. “All I am saying is that it is for you to judge. Don’t do anything for me, or anyone else. Only you can make this decision. I thought this doctor would be good for you, but if on one date, he doesn’t have your heart, then maybe you should trust it.”

  My phone buzzed.

  “Ride’s here, Mamá.” I wrapped her in a hug. “Thanks for such great parting words.”

  “Ah, I meant after your date tonight, Mija. Lunch date does not count anyway.”

  I hustled out into the dark sedan waiting for me. I texted the driver the restaurant name and we ground away from my street.

  Mamá’s words were more of a relief than she knew. I wasn’t doing this date for her, but now I could admit it wasn’t necessarily for me either. It was for some hypothetical future version of me, some classier version that liked what Lem stood for and enjoyed his company.

  Maybe I’d get there, maybe I’d become that person, but now I felt less obligated. All I knew is I couldn’t stay who I was - this woman who expected the world to go wrong. This girl who feared danger so much that she surrounded herself with men that dealt it, instead.

  Maybe Calix had even been a step forward in that change. He had been deeply messed up inside, but the outside wasn’t just a tough guy act. He had at least been sweet to me with his words, if not his thoughts.

  And Lem wasn’t so far from my type either. He had fought for me. Not a street fight, but in a situation even more serious and dangerous. That’s what got me thinking about him again, after all. Maybe I was closer to my perfect match than I thought.

  In any case, it was just a date.

  My ride dropped me off in front of a fancy Italian place. Lem would be paying. I didn’t like the way it tipped things in his favor, but I guess I’d have to give myself a chance to get used to it.

  The insides were steeped in luxury: swirling blue and green carpeting, textured cream walls and elegant, modern chandeliers tastefully spaced above to produce pockets of light and dark. The chic brunette hostess led me to a small table in back, under one of the cones of light.

  Lem rose and beamed as we approached. He was dressed in a dark blazer and tan slacks. He looked good, but made me feel woefully underdressed.

  “You look gorgeous,” he said. He took my hand, and kissed my cheek before seating me.

  “Wow,” I said. “How gentlemanly.”

  “Well, I try.” He laughed and spread his napkin across his lap.

  I laughed, too, but it sounded a bit forced.

  Relax, Rosa, I told myself and picked up the menu card. The main courses were set and even the desert only had a couple options.

  “This place is too nice, Lem,” I said, eying the cursive font. “You didn’t have to go all out.”

  “Oh, this is far from all out. Stick me with me and you’ll see how crazy it can get.”

  I laughed nervously, taking another long sweep at the place. Yeah, some people could definitely get used to this being their casual dining-out experience, but could I? Why was it so hard to imagine myself bathed in luxury? Did I deserve it less than anyone else?

  The waiter - no, the sommelier - came and took our wine orders. I let Lem pick one for me.

  “So I imagine this week’s gone by a lot smoother than the ones before,” he said.

  “You mean, with my case gone?”

  “Oh, what else? Ah, right, Mr. Black.” He chuckled. “No, I meant your case being dismissed, nothing more.”

  I studied his smile. I was sure he understood that I had ended things with Calix, so why was he pretending that wasn’t what he meant? He already had me here, and yet he still seemed to have a mask on.

  “The week was good,” I said. “Not having that case hanging over my head is a big relief. Thank you for that.”

  He indicated at the menu, “Your being here is thanks enough.”

  “That’s not the only reason I’m here, you know. I’m just trying to see if there’s still a chance we can find ourselves compatible.”

  Lem tilted forward on his elbows. “So you would really have wanted to see me if I hadn’t helped you out?”

  “Yeah.” I fought back the urge to blink. “I would.”

  He sat back. “Alright, that’s wonderful to hear.”

  Well, this was already off to a great start. Him cornering me and me lying.


  Mercifully, the sommelier came back with our wine and that put out the tension like a fire hose on a garbage fire.

  The amber liquid went down smooth and my vision grew mellow. I turned the conversation back to work and we talked about interesting patients until the antipasto arrived.

  The cold cuts of meat drizzled with olive oil tasted amazing. The wine really did work well with it. I finished my entire glass of white, and Lem happily poured another.

  “Trying to get me drunk?” I asked.

  “Certainly trying,” he said. “We’ll see how far this bottle gets us.”

  The hospital talk ran out and we turned back to family. Lem was more loose-lipped now, or maybe I was a better listener drunk. He started talking about a trip to Brazil where they had gotten around the cities entirely by helicopter to avoid seeing the dirt and crowds. I hadn’t been wrong about him being able to literally stay out of danger’s reach.

  “Wow, you guys are that rich,” I said. “We had that people like that in Venezuela, too. The closest I ever got to a helicopter was throwing sticks at them from roofs as a kid. I always thought I could reach it, if I just threw hard enough.”

  Lem laughed. “I think that’s the reason that we never went down to street level.”

  Something curdled in my stomach at that. I took another sip of wine but it didn’t help. “It wasn’t anything mean,” I said. “We wouldn’t pelt actual people.”

  “Sure, but still, you never know what’s coming with street behavior.”

  “No, but uncertainty’s part of living.”

  Lem laughed again, but looked worried. “Rosa, did I offend you? I didn’t mean to.”

  “No,” I said, though neither of us really believed it.

  The main course arrived then. It was a lobster pasta, but the serving was the same size as the appetizer. I was famished.

  We ate in mostly quiet. I realized that this pasta dish was part of the problem. Just like Lem’s helicopter, it was so far removed from the world most people lived in, where food was a way you fought hunger, not boredom.

  It was a world far away from the one that had killed my father, sure, but also away from the sort of things that brought people into my hospital.

  It might have been the wine or the mood lighting, but I saw then how closely those two were related. My dad’s death may have messed me up, but it also saved me. Nursing school only made sense because holding his hand as he died made me realize how much I wanted to be there for people who needed me.

  How could I be a nurse if I stayed in this gilded world with Lem? Maybe I wouldn’t be. He might have me running some charity or something. Never on the ground though, probably locked away safe in some boardroom making decisions about people I could never see.

  No, it wasn’t wrong to not want Lem. He was cultured, and rich, and helpful, but he just wasn’t the right one for me.

  My thoughts went suddenly to Calix. I sighed. Even that felt more real than this. His racist world was more grounded that Lem’s helicopter heights.

  The conversations went back to the hospital, but we had dried that well, so there were only a few creeks. When the waiter came for desert, I waved him away.

  Lem looked punctured, but only momentarily.

  “Full?” he asked.

  “Yeah, it was great. I got what I needed.” Luckily, my stomach rumbled only softly.

  He paid the check, and I let him lead me out with an arm around my waist. We pushed out into the warm Atlanta night. He handed his ticket to the valet and led us to the curb.

  Suddenly, his hand fell to the small of my back and he spun me into him for a kiss. His lips tasted sour, like spoiled sauce. I yanked away.

  “Lem, what the heck?” I said.

  He gave me an almost bored look. “Oh well, I thought that might work.”

  “It most certainly did not.”

  “So,” he said. “What’s next?”

  “Lem…” I said. “It was a nice night, but I think we should call it. There’s just nothing between us.”

  “Well, the night’s not over, yet.” He brushed into me.

  I lurched back. “What’s gotten into you?”

  He stared at me blankly. “Do you really think you can just come here looking like that and walk away?”

  His eyes swept my body. I folded my arms over my chest.

  “I’m leaving,” I said, plucking out my phone and calling a ride while still covering myself.

  He grabbed my wrist. “Wait.”

  “Let go of me.” I yanked out of his grip.

  He shrugged. “Ok, if that’s what you want I can really let you go.”

  I rolled my eyes. I had no idea what he was on about. “Yeah, ok, whatever, do that.”

  “So I can go ahead and tell the hospital that you opened that door for your criminal fuckbuddy?”

  I scowled up at him. “What?”

  “I saw the security cam video, Rosa.” He smiled dangerously. “I saw it before the rest of the committee did. Your access card is pretty easy to see. Kind of kills your whole innocent vibe.”

  A shiver raced down my legs. “I didn’t open anything for anyone.”

  “Oh I think you opened a lot of things for that racist criminal. Though, fine, maybe not the door itself. Maybe, you gave him the card.”

  “I did not.”

  “Either way, it certainly doesn’t match your story.” He stared off at the night sky. “Who knows what the committee will find once they start digging.”

  I could not believe this was happening. I waited for him to give me that dopey look he used to apologize after bad jokes. His mouth remained scarily flat.

  “Are you blackmailing me?” I said.

  “Blackmail? No. I just want the same thing you gave your criminal friend.”

  I took a deep breath. “What do you want?”

  “You know.”

  His gaze ran nakedly down my body. My mouth fell open. I couldn’t believe he could demand this so calmly.

  “This is insane,” I said.

  “It’s what friends do for each other.”

  “No, it’s not. And I am so not your friend.”

  He reached out for my shoulder. I flinched, but he grabbed it anyway and peered into me with that long hawk face of his.

  “I want you to come willingly, Rosa. I’m no brute. You just decide what you care about in this world. Your job or one night?”

  I took a harsh staggering breath. I just wanted to run away, but there was no running from this. There was no way to hide.

  “One night?” I asked.

  He grinned. “Probably just one night.”

  The valet pulled up with a gleaming orange Italian car. His hand came off. “Anyway, you have until tomorrow to decide.”

  He tipped the valet, got in and roared off.

  I shivered in the dark. I wanted to collapse. I had no idea where to go, what to do. Of course, I couldn’t sleep with him. Who knew what fucked up things went on behind that calm mask he called a face. He would hold this over me forever. He had said so himself.

  But there was no way to hide what I had done either. All paths led to me getting fired. Lem would even walk off. There was no proof of his blackmail. I had no recording of what he had said.

  I looked at my phone. I just wanted to go home and bury myself. My family couldn’t know about this. Even Lilly couldn’t help. I had no one.

  But then words echoed in my ear: Confront the pain.

  I couldn’t, not alone. But I knew just who could.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Calix

  The morning rose bright and blazing. The summer wasn’t dying quickly. I headed to the armory, already sweating.

  The weapons shipments always arrived on the last Sunday of the month. They should come in just after noon. The pieces of disinformation had already been laid in the inventory system. All I had to do was set aside the ‘extra’ pieces of weaponry.

  My timeline was short. I’d been assigned training duties the
whole day. It left me just a few minutes in the army, but I’d already done the computer work. Raynor would simply have to offload the gear.

  The ‘how’ made sense. What I couldn’t understand was the ‘why.’

  I knew for certain I wasn’t doing it for myself. It didn’t seem like this would help my father either. He might want it, but I remembered his withering grief the last weekend. It wasn’t clear how arming the Storm’s Soldiers better would undo any of it.

  My mind was not made up even as I began the descent to the armory. Just then, my phone rang.

  I saw the number and clapped the phone to my ear.

  “Rosa?” I said.

  She was gasping for air on the other end. My heart froze. “What is it?” I asked.

  “Lem knows our secret.”

  “Who?”

  “Lem Sygard. The doctor you stopped from holding me.”

  My jaw clenched at the thought of his weasel face. “I thought that investigation was over.”

  “It was. Because he hid the video information. Now he’s blackmailing me with it.”

  “Blackmailing you? What does he want?”

  Her breath shivered. “He wants me.”

  “You?”

  “I have to sleep with him tonight or he’ll reveal the truth. I don’t even have twelve hours left.

  I knew exactly what she had meant, but I needed to hear it. I needed to hear that a man could be so cowardly and creep his way unwanted into a woman.

  “Fucking bitch.”

  She started crying and gasping.

  “I meant him,” I said softly. “Not you. Of course, not you.”

  But that did nothing to soothe her. “He’s going to get me fired. It might even put me in jail. And you-”

  “Don’t worry about me. Don’t worry at all. I’ll take care of it.”

  “How? You can’t hurt him. He’s powerful. They will find you and string you up.”

  “Not if there aren’t witnesses.”

  I heard her suck in breath. “Calix, you wouldn-“

  “No, I’m not going to kill him.” I rubbed my face. “I’m not a monster.”

  “I didn’t mean that.”

  “It’s fine. I’ll think of something.”

  The air shivered with her breath. She was waiting for me. There was only one play I had, though.