Home

by Amanda Berriman

  Lorna’s still looking all round her and says, ‘I know this is probably a stupid question, but where’s the bathroom?’

  I jump off my seat and I say, ‘Do you need a wee? I know where you have to go.’

  Lorna says, ‘No, no, it’s OK, I just wondered …’

  Mummy says, ‘It’s upstairs.’

  I say, ‘There’s two toilets. One by itself and one that’s got a bath and a shower and a sink and we have to remember to take the keys with us cos one time Mummy shut our door here and she forgotted the keys and we couldn’t get back in and Mummy had to phone a lady and the lady had to unlock the door and she wasn’t very nice, was she, Mummy?’

  Mummy says, ‘No, not very.’

  Lorna’s mouth is open. She closes it and then opens it and then she says, ‘You share a bathroom? How many …?’

  Mummy squeezes back past with the kettle and puts it on the windysill and pushes the plug back in. She says, ‘Five families, including us.’

  Lorna says, ‘But, Tina, that’s …’

  Mummy says, ‘It’s temporary. We’re fine.’

  I say, ‘We’re going to live in a different house after this one.’

  I colour the flag on the castle in rainbow stripes and that’s the last bit of the picture. Maybe our new house will be like a castle? But that’s silly cos only princesses live in castles and I’m not a real princess, I’m only a princess when I do dressing up pretend.

  I open my picture book that Ade got me for drawing my own pictures and I think about what sort of house me and Mummy and Toby might live in but I can’t decide how many doors and windows it’s apposed to have.

  Mummy gives Lorna a steamy cup and sits down on the bed opposite with another cup in her hands.

  Lorna says, ‘You stopped coming to preschool.’

  Mummy says, ‘They swapped Jesika to the morning session because the buses didn’t work out for the afternoon. Kali said it was important to keep up familiar routines so I’m trying to keep everything the same for the moment, until we know where we’re going to be living.’

  Lorna nods her head and says, ‘Everyone was talking about the explosion, and then you weren’t there … and Stella wouldn’t tell me anything because even in a situation like this, that bloody woman can’t let up, but then Kali said you were all safe and she offered to pass a message on and I thought about it, but I wanted to apologize to your face.’

  I say, ‘Leon died.’

  Mummy says, ‘Yes, he did, Jesika, but let’s not talk about that again right now. What are you drawing?’

  I put the brown pen down and pick up the green one and I say, ‘I’m drawing me and you and Toby and our new house,’ cept I still don’t know how many doors and windows to draw so I think I’ll just draw a great big roof over the top of our heads cos Mummy says every house has to have a roof.

  Lorna says, ‘Tina, I know I said … horrible things. I’m sorry, I really am, and I’m glad you’re safe. Can you forgive me for what I said?’

  Mummy doesn’t say anything and it’s quiet and quiet and then Lorna says, ‘Please?’

  I look at Mummy and she’s staring at her cup, then she blows out a breath and looks up at Lorna and says, ‘There’s nothing to forgive.’

  Lorna scrunches her hands tight and presses them against her mouth and then she slides her hands along her legs and says, ‘Tina, I’m living a nightmare.’

  Nightmares are scary.

  Mummy puts her cup on the floor, leans forward and holds Lorna’s hands and says, ‘I know. I’m so sorry.’

  Lorna says, ‘I just couldn’t … I just couldn’t believe it, you know?’

  I say, ‘What couldn’t you believe?’ but Lorna’s only looking at Mummy and Mummy’s only looking at Lorna and they both have scrunched-up sad faces.

  I don’t want Mummy to be sad. I’m going to draw my fayvrit garden next to me and Mummy and Toby under the roof. I’ll draw the horse and the apple tree and the swing and the pond but I won’t put tadpoles in it this time cos Mummy mixes up tadpoles and moles and she really doesn’t like moles at all. I’ll draw a bouncy trampoline instead. Mummy won’t be sad when she sees my picture.

  Lorna says, ‘It still doesn’t make sense, doesn’t feel real. It’s like when David died and it was so sudden and shocking, and I still feel like I’m walking around inside a bubble a lot of the time. But this … it’s even worse because … because he’s my brother and … and …’

  Suddenly Mummy slides off the bed and she’s kneeling down on the floor in front of Lorna and she’s squeezing Lorna tight and tight and Lorna’s squeaking like a mouse and Mummy says, ‘It’s OK, it’s OK, it’s OK,’ lots and lots of times.

  Lorna stops squeaking and she sniffs and sniffs and Mummy sits back on the bed but she’s still holding Lorna’s hand and she says, ‘What’s happening? Did you tell the police?’

  Lorna nods and says, ‘He’s admitted it and he’s been charged.’

  Mummy says, ‘That must be a relief.’

  I colour the trampoline in green, like the one me and Liam bounced on, and I say, ‘Are the police putting Ryan in jail?’ cos I think that’s who Mummy and Lorna are talking about and I heard Nandini tell Emma that she hoped Ryan would rot in jail for ever and I think that’s why Lorna’s sad cos Ryan’s apposed to be kind cos he’s Paige’s Uncle but he isn’t kind, he’s mean and he hurted Paige.

  Lorna looks at me and looks away again and Mummy says, ‘Finish your drawing, Jesika, and I promise I’ll talk to you about Ryan later, OK?’ and then she says to Lorna, ‘Is there anything I can do to help?’

  Lorna shakes her head and says, ‘I should never have moved back here. It was stupid to move so quickly after … after …’ She stops and breathes in and out and in and out. ‘We’re moving in with my mother-in-law for a while. At some point, when I’ve got my head straight, I’ll sell the house up here but Diane says there’s no hurry to sort anything and we can stay with her as long as we need to.’

  Mummy says, ‘When are you going?’

  Lorna says, ‘Saturday.’

  I say, ‘Is Paige going with you?’

  Lorna nods her head.

  I say, ‘Can we come and play?’

  Lorna smiles all wobbly and she says, ‘It’s a long way to travel, Jesika, but maybe you can visit, one day.’

  Mummy and Lorna talk more about the place that’s a long way away. Is it far away like Poland? I finish the leaves on the tree and pick up my red pen to colour the red apples.

  Lorna stands up and says, ‘I have to get back before Paige misses me too much. Thanks for listening, Tina.’

  Mummy and Lorna go to the door and Lorna says, ‘I don’t blame you. I need you to know that. You did the right thing, and I do want to stay in touch. Just give me some time to get settled, OK?’ and then Mummy and Lorna hug tight and tight.

  I colour in the last apple and slide off my chair and take the picture over to Mummy and I say, ‘Look, Mummy!’

  Mummy and Lorna let go of each other and Lorna says, ‘That’s a lovely picture, Jesika.’

  Mummy says, ‘Is that me and you and Toby?’ and I nod and Mummy says, ‘We’re all very smiley.’

  I say, ‘That’s cos we like our new house.’

  Mummy says, ‘Where’s the house?’

  I point to the roof and I say, ‘There, silly!’

  Mummy says, ‘Oh, is that a roof on top of our heads? I thought it was an umbrella!’

  I laugh and say, ‘No, silly!’

  Mummy says, ‘But where’s the rest of the house?’

  I say, ‘We don’t know what it looks like yet.’

  Mummy laughs and says, ‘But you’ve decided what the garden will be?’ and she points to the garden and says, ‘A horse and a swing and an apple tree and … is that a pond?’

  I say, ‘Yes, but there’s no tadpoles.’

  Mummy says, ‘No tadpoles, OK.’

  I say, ‘And no moles too,’ cos maybe Mummy might think there’s moles even
though there’s no tadpoles.

  Mummy laughs and says, ‘Mould, Jesika. I keep telling you it’s mould I don’t like. A home without mould would be lovely.’

  That’s what I said, didn’t I?

  Lorna says, ‘I better go. You look after your Mummy, Jesika. I’ll be in touch, Tina,’ and she opens the door and goes quick and quick and me and Mummy only just get time to wave afore the big outside door bangs shut.

  Mummy pushes our door shut and she lifts me up and sits me on her knee on the bed and we do a squeezy cuddle and my face is pressed into Mummy’s jumper and her smell is in my nose and I breathe and breathe and breathe.

  BANG! BANG! BANG!

  What was that?

  BANG! BANG! BANG!

  Toby shouts, ‘Doh! Doh!’

  Mummy lets go of me and we both look round at the window where Toby is pointing. Lorna’s standing there. Her mouth is moving like she’s saying something and then she points to the side.

  Mummy frowns and jumps up from the bed, swinging me down to the floor, and says, ‘She must have forgotten something.’

  She opens the door and says, ‘Hold it open, Jesika, don’t let it shut,’ and she runs to the big outside door and opens it.

  Lorna rushes in and stands in the hallway and says, ‘Live at my house!’

  Mummy says, ‘What? I don’t …’

  Lorna says, ‘It’s perfect! Diane said not to rush into selling the house. She said why not think about renting it until I know what I want to do. You could rent it!’

  Mummy says, ‘But …’

  Lorna says, ‘It’s near the park, and preschool, and school when Jesika starts in September, and near your friends and it’s got a garden and I wouldn’t have to charge much rent because the mortgage is tiny and … and there’s no mould anywhere in that house, I can promise you. Please let me do this for you,’ and she’s smiling and smiling and then Mummy’s smiling and laughing and then she’s crying too and I didn’t know you could laugh and smile and cry all at the same time and I let go of the door cos I want to give Mummy a cuddle and Mummy shouts, ‘Jesika! Door!’ and she leaps towards it and catches it afore it closes and then Lorna says she has to go and she’ll phone Mummy later and me and Mummy go back into our room and Toby’s bouncing on the bed but Mummy doesn’t tell him not to, she kneels on the bed and holds his hands and bounces him higher and higher and higher and Toby’s mouth is wide, wide open and his giggling is so funny, me and Mummy laugh and laugh too.

  29

  IT’S MORNING AND we’re on the bumpy bus going to preschool and there’s the lady getting on with the squashy purple hat that’s got white flowers on and she always smiles and waves and chats and today she sits next to us and she says, ‘Any news on the new house yet?’

  I say, ‘No, it’s taking for ages!’

  Mummy laughs and says, ‘It’s only been a week since Lorna came to see us. There’s lots to organize, Jesika,’ then puts her hand over her mouth and moves Toby on her knee so she can lean over to the lady and says something and I can’t hear what it is and the lady’s eyes go wide and smiley and Mummy smiles big too and then the lady nods and puts her finger to her lips, like for a secret.

  I say, ‘Did you tell that lady a secret, Mummy?’

  Mummy and the lady laugh and Mummy says, ‘I might have done.’

  I say, ‘Is it a good secret?’

  Mummy says, ‘Definitely.’

  I say, ‘What is it?’

  The lady says, ‘You’ll have to wait and see.’

  I blow out a big breath and say, ‘Mummy always says that!’

  When we get off the bus, the lady waves and says, ‘You all take care of yourselves,’ and she blows kisses and she never does that usually.

  I hold Mummy’s hand and we walk along the road to preschool but then Mummy turns down the wrong street and I say, ‘This isn’t the way to preschool, Mummy.’

  Mummy smiles and says, ‘I know.’

  I tug Mummy’s hand and point and say, ‘But we have to go that way to get to preschool. Why are we going this way?’

  Mummy says, ‘We’re doing something more special than preschool this morning.’

  I say, ‘What is it?’

  Mummy smiles again and says, ‘You’ll see.’

  I say, ‘But I want to go to preschool.’

  Mummy says, ‘I promise you’ll like this even more than preschool.’

  And we keep walking and walking and then we turn a corner and I know where we are now, I know this street and I know that house with the green door and I say, ‘That’s Paige’s house where we’re going to go and live soon!’ And Mummy doesn’t say yes or no but her smile is big and big.

  We walk up Paige’s path and Mummy lets go of my hand and she’s looking inside her bag and I think she’s forgotted that she has to ring the doorbell so Lorna knows we’re here and then Mummy takes her hand out of her bag and she has a key in her hand and I say, ‘Why have you got a key, Mummy?’

  And Mummy says, ‘Because today, this is our new house.’

  I say, ‘Are Lorna and Paige here?’

  Mummy says, ‘No. They’ve moved to their new house now.’

  I say, ‘And we’re moving to this one today? Is that the special thing?’ and Mummy says, ‘Yes,’ and I jump up and down and say, ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah,’ and Toby giggles and Mummy’s right cos this is the bestest thing ever, even better than preschool.

  Mummy’s pushing the key in the door and it’s taking for ages and I say, ‘Is it stuck, Mummy?’ and Mummy laughs and says, ‘I can’t stop my hand shaking,’ and then she says, ‘There, it’s in.’

  She turns the key and pushes the door and we all go into Paige’s house and I stop and look cos I can see the flowers on the walls but everything else doesn’t look like the inside of Paige’s house. Toby shouts, ‘Up! Up!’ and Mummy picks him up and he grabs all Mummy’s hair and pulls hard so she says, ‘Ow! Toby, not my hair!’

  I run into the front room and it looks not the same too. The yellow sofas are there and the chairs but the table and the telly and all of Paige’s toys are gone and the room is much more bigger than it was afore and I run back out to Mummy and I tell her all the things that are missing and I say, ‘And someone’s made the room go bigger.’

  Mummy laughs and says, ‘That’s because Lorna and Paige have taken some things to their new house. They’ve left the things they don’t need for us to use and soon Ade and Emma will be here with the van that’s got all our other things in it.’

  I say, ‘But you said all our other things got broken in our old house when the boiler exploded.’

  Mummy says, ‘Yes, those things did, but lots of people have helped out and given us new things that they don’t need any more.’

  I say, ‘I’m going to look upstairs. Can I, Mummy?’ and Mummy says, ‘Go on,’ and then she says, ‘Ow!’ cos Toby’s still pulling her hair, and I run to the stairs and I stop and I say, ‘Mummy, did Lorna not need her flowers?’ cos there’s a huge pot of flowers at the bottom of the stairs, all wrapped up in bendy plastic, but Lorna likes flowers and all her other flowers are gone.

  Mummy puts Toby down and reaches her hand inside the flowers and pulls out a letter and I say, ‘What’s that, Mummy?’

  Mummy opens the letter and reads it and she crouches down and pulls me and Toby into a squeezy hug and then she lets go and I can see the words on the letter and I point to a word and I say, ‘That’s my name!’ and Mummy says, ‘Yes, it is,’ and I say, ‘What do the other words say?’ and Mummy points to each word and says, ‘To Tina, Jesika and Toby, with love from Lorna and Paige. Welcome to your new …’

  And Mummy’s voice wobbles and stops and she leaves her finger on the last word and I know what that word says now.

  It says, ‘Home.’

  Acknowledgements

  IN OCTOBER 2003, years after I had last written anything creative, I wrote a story opening to use in a lesson with my primary-school class. It sparked an idea, which sparked a n
ovel. Not this novel, but it was a beginning that eventually brought me here. In getting to this place where I am now, so many people have helped me in so many ways. I hope I remember you all!

  Thank you:

  Maureen Crandles, for the puppets and their stories of night-time adventures when school was shut. John McColl, Ian Jordan, Harry Quinn and Pippa Donald for inspiring my love of language and teaching me how to use it properly. Pippa, this one is especially for you, for giving me the tools and the courage to explore my voice. I stopped ‘pigletting’ in the end and just got on with it; wish you were here to see it.

  Emily, Helen, Hannah, Anne, Michelle and Marj, for being the best of friends through all the ups and downs of school and remaining friends a long time after, and Catrin, for unwavering friendship and support, and so many laughs! To Rachel, for friendship, motivation and getting me out on my bike – a place where ideas are inspired and problems are solved. And to Vicky, Sam, Julia and Marianne – I’ve survived a decade of parenting (and so have the boys!), thanks to you, sharing highs and lows along the way; I couldn’t have written as much as I did without all your help and encouragement.

  To those who were on the Arvon course at the Hurst in April 2006, especially Linda Newbery, for your belief that I could do it (it took me a bit longer than predicted!), and Nick Manns, for teaching me that there’s plenty of time to be nice when you’re not writing, and that the scariest things of all are those you can’t see.

  To Kryss, who became a valued critiquing partner post-Arvon. I learned so much from that experience. And to Penny Holroyde, who had the patience to read several drafts of my first novel over several years, teaching me loads about writing in the process.

  A huge shout-out to all my lovely Word Cloud friends – thoughtful, generous, astute, and always encouraging – with a special mention for AlanP and his writing competitions, which pushed me to write all sorts of stuff I might never otherwise have, and to Squidge, Whisks, Daedalus and Tenacity for friendship, encouragement, inspiration and feedback over many years.