For Love or Country

by Jesse Jordan

  Ashley blinks, stunned, while Henry smiles, laughing. “What did you do?”

  “Well, the first thing I had to do was try and explain what the hell happened when my roomie comes back from the toilet, of course! We taped the thing back up, and then next time he went on leave, well... let's just say I've got a little present waiting for me when I have my own Old Grad day.”

  Ashley laughs, then looks at Henry. “You believe him, Dad?”

  “Honey, that's not the craziest thing I've heard go on in the Corps,” Henry says, chuckling. “We all know some of the things the Corps gets up to. But what can you expect? Ashley, you’re unique, you knew what real college was like, and not just the fishbowl of the Army or the Corps. It's why I knew you'd make it, and do as well as you did.”

  Ashley blushes, and I take her hand. “Your Dad's right. I never, ever doubted that you had the strength to make it through the Academy. If I had any doubts at all, those were erased the first day of Sandhurst practice. I still remember the look in your eyes when you told me, and I quote, 'Fuck off, sir.'”

  Henry gives Ashley a smirk, and I nod. “You've got a remarkable daughter, Mr. Carlyle.”

  “Henry,” he says. “And thank you. I'll give the credit to Katherine though, I was away from home too much during Ashley's childhood to be as good a father as I should have been.”

  Katerine, who's been quiet for the most part other than with gentle questions, smiles, shaking her head. “They always were Henry's children more than mine. I'm just... sorry, today's been difficult in a few ways. Simon, Ashley's told me about her invitation that you stay with us for six weeks before you have to report to Korea... I hope that I can get to know you more during that time. I feel like I haven't exactly given the best impression of myself today.”

  I shake my head dismissing her apology. “Katherine, Ashley told me your family's history back when she was in Beast. I'll be honest, I spent a few nights wondering how strong you had to be to let your daughter even step foot anywhere on post. So before you give the credit to Henry, take a look in the mirror. I have a sneaking suspicion that your daughter's strength is as much from you as anything else.”

  It's the right thing to say, and I can see in Ashley's smoldering eyes as dinner continues, I touched her deeply. Still, we take our time with dinner, until Henry toasts us with a single glass of sake. “To Lieutenant Ashley Carlyle. Congratulations, and here's to a great future.”

  I toast along with the others, and as we ride back towards the hotel, Ashley looks over at me. “You have never, ever been sexier than you were tonight at dinner.”

  I smile and look back at her. “Oh really?”

  “Really. And I hope you're ready to not get any sleep tonight, we may just have to check out of the hotel late tomorrow before we get on the road back home.”

  Making love for the first time in Ashley's home is a bit strange. By the way she blushes and giggles afterwards, I'm guessing she feels the same way, but there's no way we've been able to keep our hands off of each other except for when we've been driving. Her family's home in Virginia is large though, and I don't feel like we made too much noise when we put the king sized bed to good use.

  “Hey, Simon?” Ashley asks, yawning. I understand, it's almost two in the morning, and we've been making love for nearly three hours including foreplay and talking.

  “Yes, Ash?”

  “Can you get me some mineral water from the kitchen? I'd get up, but I'm not wearing any panties.” Ashley wiggles her cute little butt underneath the sheet that I pulled on top of us, sighing happily. “Not that I want to anyway.”

  “Sure, I think I remember where the kitchen is,” I tease, kissing her on the neck. “I won't be long.”

  I'm not, but when I get back, Ashley's snoring lightly, her knees pulled up and a smile on her face. I watch her for a little while, then head back to the kitchen. I'm not quite sleepy yet, and I don't want to wake her up unknowingly. I'm surprised when I see a light on, I thought I'd turned everything off, and I'm even more surprised when I see Henry sitting at the breakfast nook table, sipping a cup of milk. “Sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you.”

  “No, I kind of figured that you and Ashley would... well, do things that as a man I understand, but as a father don't want to quite think about yet. She may be twenty four, she may be a Lieutenant now, she's a member of the Long Gray Line, all of that... but part of me still sees the little girl who dressed up as Pippi Longstocking for Halloween when she was six years old. But you two didn't wake me up, I've always had problems sleeping through the night since... well, since Julius died. Gavin I could at least understand, but Julius... it was harder for me and Katherine to accept. I know what the evidence says, but still, it's hard.”

  I put the mineral water away and sit down. “Is that why you encouraged Ashley to go to a civilian school at first?”

  Henry shakes his head. “I never encouraged the Academy to any of my children, Simon. Actually, I discouraged it in a lot of ways. I saw what was going to happen to the Army when it got to be their generation. My father got all the way to one star before he retired. The Army of his era was actually pretty home based. Other than doing one year in Vietnam, he was always posted somewhere that my mother and I could be with him. Bragg, Campbell, Germany... he'd still be there most evenings and weekends. So for me, it was easy to choose to go to West Point. Hell, they even offered me a shot at the baseball team. Bet Ashley never told you about that.”

  “No, she didn't. I played baseball in high school, but I knew my stuff wasn't good enough for an NCAA level team. Didn't matter, I knew I wanted to be a pilot even as a little kid,” I reply, tapping the table.

  “Well, when I graduated, I saw what was happening. We'd had a decade to shift to an all-volunteer force, the troops left had to do a lot more work on a per soldier basis. I missed a lot of time at home. But, there's something about the Academy, isn't there? We hate it, and at the same time we love it.”

  “One of my roomies called it the bitch-goddess,” I add, understanding fully. “I thought it was a pretty good description. And we're the ones who actually did pretty well at USMA, I'd hate to think about how those who struggled there or in the Army feel.”

  Henry nods, and sips at the glass of milk he's poured for himself. “That lure pulled my two sons first, and when Julius.... when he died, I did everything in my power to not actively discourage Ashley, but instead to show her that there's a lot out there in the world besides the Corps. Still, she's strong, and when she applied, I knew she'd make it. I still have concerns, Simon. You're a good man, and I know how Ashley feels for you. I don't want to rain on your leave, but have you two thought about what a long term relationship means for you two?”

  “What do you mean, sir?”

  “I mean, in the modern military, if the two of you do end up staying together and getting married, the military's going to put pressure on your relationship. I think it may already have, I always wondered why Ashley put Transportation Corps as her number two choice after Aviation, her class rank was certainly high enough she could have picked almost any branch of the Army and gotten in. But that's just the beginning. You're being posted to South Korea next, right?”

  “Correct, sir. I'll be at Camp Humphries. Ashley too, actually. The Army was nice enough to set that up.”

  Henry nods. “And what if, three months after Ashley finishes her officer's training and gets posted to Camp Humphries, the Army decides that it's time for a pilot like yourself to be rotated back to the States, or sent on a year long deployment to the Middle East? What happens if Ashley's offered a position as a company XO, or a sweet staff job with an influential Colonel or General, and you're faced with a choice over whose career to prioritize?”

  I hum, nodding. “I don't know, Henry. I know how I feel about your daughter, and to be honest at this moment I am content to grow our relationship as deep as I suspect it can be.”

  “And I approve of that,” Henry says, trying to smile. “If I di
dn't, I would not have approved when Ashley came to me with this cockamamie idea of you staying with us this whole time before you report to Korea. It's still my house, after all. You've proven yourself time and time again to be a good man to her, Simon. Even to the point you waited. Did you know that she was attracted to you even before she was recognized? She called me up one night, just checking in with her family, and she started talking about this Cow that invited her to be part of the Sandhurst team, and in the way she talked about you, I just knew.”

  I nod, and Henry gives me a searching look. Wordlessly, he gets up and pours me a glass of brandy, handing it to me. “You've never told her, have you? How you feel about her?”

  I shake my head, and sigh. “Before meeting Ashley, I was a pretty big player. You mentioned some of the things the Corps can get up to... I could tell you some of the things a mixed Corps can get up to, because I've done them. Ike Hall, WKDT, the steam tunnels under Thayer Hall, even Trophy Point, that was risky as hell... but I did quite a few of them.”

  “Sounds a lot like I was as a cadet,” Henry admits. “Of course there wasn’t the issue with female cadets, there were so few back in my days, but I get your point.”

  I sip my drink, staring into the deep amber liquid as it burns down my throat. “There's a reason for it, and not just my scar. Oh, I'm sure some shrink could say that Brenda's abuse left all sorts of Freudian issues, but really I'd say most of it goes back to high school. I fell, and fell hard for a girl in my freshman science class. We dated for most of freshman year, and into sophomore year too. Then... well, she broke my heart pretty coldly when our school's big stud showed interest in her. She taught me a lesson, play or be played. So I decided to be a player. Until... until Ashley.”

  Henry hums, and lets me finish my drink. “If you don't mind, I think I'll turn in, Henry. Thanks for listening.”

  I'm still troubled a week later, and as Ashley and her mother go to town to do some mother-daughter time, I take a walk in the woods near Ashley's house. As I tromp through the pines, I think. I think about Ashley, and my feelings for her.

  I remember what I told Cara, that Sunday night of Ring Weekend after we got back. I never said the word love, but I know that's the word most people would use. I still don't know what to do though when my phone rings, and I see that it's actually Cara of all people. “Why Cara, you must be psychic, because I was just thinking about you. How's life?”

  “Good,” Cara says, grinning. “Listen, I was talking with Tammy, and we were wondering... would you and Ashley like to come to our wedding?”

  “You two serious?” I ask, surprised and shocked. “I mean, of course I would. Ash is out with her Mom, but I know she'd say yes too. Where and when?”

  “We decided to do it in a spot near St. Louis, Tammy's never been there. Uh, just to let you know, her family's not attending. Kinda... well, you know.”

  I swallow, and nod. “I understand. Well, tell Tammy it doesn't matter, you guys will have family there anyhow, me and Ashley. You're my sister from another mister, Cara. And Tammy's gonna have Ash there too, I'm sure of it. When you doing it?”

  “Three weeks from tomorrow. I'll send you the details. You know Simon, you don't have to. I'm sure part of you has your own lovey-dovey stuff you'd like to be doing with Ashley instead,” Cara says half-teasingly. She must read something into my silence though, because I hear her sigh on the other end of the line. “You still haven't said it yet, have you? Not to her at least.”

  “No,” I sigh, leaning against a nearby tree. “But come on Cara, after all this time, don't you think she knows?”

  Cara groans, and I can see her in my mind shaking her head on the other side of the phone. “Jesus Simon, you can't even say it to me, can you? You've got to, though. Come on, say it. Say that you love her. I'm not trying to yank your chain or anything, this can be important.”

  “Why? Why is it that I have to say a single, stupid four letter word that doesn't even contain all the feelings that I have for Ashley, and can easily be used to describe the feelings I have for you, too, even though they're totally different?” I fume, knowing I sound like a petulant child. “Why can't I say it in French or Russian, at least they know that the word is just too damn limiting in English!”

  Cara's silent for a moment, then when she speaks again, her voice is thoughtful. “You're a good guy, Simon, but you don't understand, do you? What we went through there. You go in, or at least I did, thinking like a normal person. I was sure that I'd find someone, that there'd be a chance at romance, maybe some fun because hey, I'm going to college just an hour from New York City after all. That the other cadets would be better than the pack of retards I went to high school with, because after all, West Point's supposed to have the 'best and brightest' going there. Then you're stripped, not physically although it seems that way, of what makes you feminine. You're told you are weak, that you can't measure up to the guys. A lot of them on one hand dismiss you and on the other hand treat you like a walking Fleshlight. Some of us... some of us lose our sense of what it's like, being a woman. I know I nearly did. And let's not even get into the whole fact that, while I denied it for a long time, I like women. You wanna know the truth about why nobody in the Corps knew about my dating life or sexual life until Tammy?”

  “Why?” I ask softly, shocked by Cara's admission.

  “Because I hadn't had one. Hell Simon, I was so inept at it that I actually convinced myself that my first feelings for Tammy were just friendly ones. I mean honestly, who makes a first date of doing wind sprints up the hill behind Arvin? She had to make the first move and tell me that she loves me. You know what that one word did, Simon? It reminded me of my feminine side. But there's a bad side, too. I nearly lost Tammy because I couldn't tell her I love her. We saw each other out at Buckner, I was first detail cadre. And the whole time, I was like you, I knew how I felt, but couldn't say it. Then... you don't know how much I hurt Tammy not taking her to the Ring Weekend dinner. We fought during that leave, until she said she loved me, and it was like a dam burst, Simon. Ashley's a good woman, and I have no idea how you two haven't broken up permanently during all this time. But you need to tell her. So say it, Simon. Tell me how you feel about Ashley.”

  I gulp, and scratch at my head, trying to work up the guts to say it. “I... I love her, Cara. I love Ashley with all my heart.”

  “There, that wasn't so bad, was it?” Cara laughs on the other end of the line. “I bet it feels good actually. Am I right?”

  I hum, and realize she's right. “It is. So I guess I have to tell her now, don't I?”

  “It'd be a damn good idea. Okay, I gotta go, Tammy and I have some shopping and stuff to clear up so that we can get into base housing, if not she's going to be staying at my crappy apartment. Listen, if you need anything, give me a call, okay? Because you're right, you're my brother too. Talk to you later, Simon.”

  “Yeah, bye. And thanks for the invite, get me the details,” I tell Cara, hanging up and sitting down in the pine needles. It was hard, but Cara's right. I told her in a roundabout way I loved Ashley as far back as three years ago. I can't go my entire life without telling Ashley how I feel, not if I want her to stay with me.

  I know what I have to do.

  Ashley

  It's been too long since I've been able to go shopping with Mom, and the few hours just being mother and daughter again feels great. Sure, we spent too much, but I've been wise with my money, so I don't feel bad wasting five hundred bucks on an afternoon with my mother.

  “You know Ashley, you didn't need to buy me new earrings,” Mom says as she touches the platinum loops in her ear. She's the person I got my red hair from, even if hers is starting to lighten in the approach of gray, and I think the platinum looks distinguished in her ears. “Really.”

  “Mom, Dad's going to love those on you, and besides... you didn't say anything about my new piercing,” I say, touching my stomach. “I thought you'd flip your lid.”

  “You're a
grown woman, Ashley. While it's not my style, I can understand you wanting to express a little individuality. Besides, you didn't go nuts with the design, it's a silver stud. And.... well, you could have gotten a lot of other places pierced,” Mom says, about as outlandish as Mom gets. I remember the first time she visited me in college out in Washington, and asked me what exactly a Prince Albert was, apparently it was on some poster around campus. That took a little more explanation than I'd like.

  “Either way Mom, thank you. And this was fun. I know it's going to be a few months before we can get together like this again. I already talked with the people at the Transport School, they said that Christmas break is only ten days,” I tell her as we pull up at the house. Maybe it's larger than a lot of people's, but I like the fact it gives us plenty of privacy, which Simon and I have taken advantage of over the past few days quite liberally. “So can I help with dinner?”

  “You certainly can,” Mom answers with a grin as she parks. “I know the military at least taught you how to wash dishes, right?”

  “Sorry, that's for the enlisted. Us officers are above getting our hands dirty with such manual labor,” I say in a false snobby accented voice, and both of us start laughing, giggling. It's fun, and as I help Mom in with our shopping bags, I feel as far from a new Army officer as I think I can get, in a good way.

  When we get inside, Simon's got this intense look on his face, and I set my bags down, worried. “Simon? Is anything wrong?”

  “Yes and no,” Simon says, coming over to me and taking my hands. “Would you mind going for a little walk with me? Katherine, I know I'm probably stealing your kitchen assistant knowing the way you guys are, but I really need this time.”