Burn with me

by Rachael Tonks

“Only during the trial.” His eyes flutter shut and his head falls forward just a little. “I never want to lay eyes on that bastard again. He can rot in hell for all I care.” The words come out as more of a growl. I take his hand, holding it in mine. “I know some of the pain you’re feeling, Am. I know how you can let it control you, how it can make you do things you later live to regret.”

  “Like what?” I question. It’s like there’s a hidden message in there somewhere.

  “Like how I was to my foster family. How I didn’t really appreciate the love they gave me. All they did for me. Until it was too late.”

  I lightly squeeze his hand again and smile sadly. Meeting his eye, I notice the glistening of tears. “They were good people,” I say.

  “The best.” He smiles, swallowing down the lump in his throat.

  “I’d love to know more about them.” I smile. “If you’re ready to share that with me.”

  “Someday. But not today.”

  “I’ll take someday,” I answer, letting myself drift back into the warmth of his hold.

  “I have to tell you something.” He jolts forward, seriousness dressing his face. “We said no more secrets, and you’re bound to ask, sooner rather than later I’m sure…” He trails off and I stare at him, waiting for him to continue. “My scars.”

  “What about them?” I ask, his prolonged silence concerning me.

  “I reacted. I wanted revenge.” He sighs, and I reach out, placing my hand on his knee, needing to comfort him. “The commune. I was the one who burned the whole place down.”

  “Really?” I gasp.

  “I know it was stupid. But I hated the world. I hated what happened to me and I needed an outlet. I stole a motorcycle and drove the whole way there, taking money from Maria, my foster mom, to pay for gas. It was dark when I got there, the property empty. The windows and doors were boarded up. The moment I set foot on that soil, my rage took over. I knew I had to do it. I had to erase that place from my mind. I kicked the door down and ran through the house, leaving a trail of gasoline. I stood at the front door shouting, letting out years of anger and pain. Then I lit a match and let it fall to the ground. I just stood there, watching the whole place go up.”

  Covering my mouth with my hand, my eyes are glued to him. He shifts uncomfortably before standing up and pushing his hands through his hair. With one arm across his chest and the other resting against his mouth, he begins to pace.

  “I understand why you did it,” I say.

  “There’s more.” He stops right in front of me. I slide to the edge of my seat, looking at him as he squats down in front of me. “You don’t understand. As I stood there watching it burn, my relief soon turned to despair.”

  I narrow my eyes, studying him, waiting for him to finish. But he stays silent. “Whatever it is, you can tell me,” I reassure.

  “I’ve never told anyone this. It’s a secret I’d promised myself to take to the grave. Something I’ve had to live with this whole time, afraid to tell anyone.”

  “You can trust me,” I add, desperate for him to open up to me.

  “His voice will haunt me forever. The way he called to me from the upper window. The only one not boarded up. It was the attic room. His head hung out, screaming for me to help him. Pleading with me. I didn’t know what to do.” Caleb’s voice is frantic, as if he’s experiencing it all over again.

  “Breathe,” I tell him, placing my hands on his shoulders.

  “I couldn’t get to him,” he heaves. “I didn’t know he was in there.” He sobs silently, his whole body shaking against me. I don’t know what to say. I have no words that will make this confession any easier to handle.

  “You must never repeat a word of this,” he warns. “I’ll be sent to prison.”

  “I won’t. I promise.” The weight of his confession weighs heavily on my mind.

  “It’s all my fault. I killed him, all because I wanted revenge.”

  “W…w…who was it?” I ask, stuttering. “Did you know him?”

  “Yes,” he whispers. “He lived there with us for many years. When the investigation started, everyone had moved on. Most relocated, but some went their separate ways. The majority of our community didn’t work. They were dedicated to the commune. Those that weren’t arrested had to find a new place to live, start fresh.”

  “You couldn’t have known he was there,” I say with certainty.

  “I didn’t. And I tried to save him. I ran back into the building, trying to get to him. As I made my way up the stairs, the ceiling collapsed. I got caught in the fire. It spread all around me. I could barely breathe. There was no way I could get to him. Eventually, I ran outside, rolling on the ground to put out the fire.”

  “That’s how you got your scars?” He nods his head slowly.

  “I waited,” he croaks. “I waited, hoping he would find a way out. But he didn’t. Hank never made it out.”

  I hold him, his admission a total mind fuck. The man he speaks of died in a fire that he started. It wasn’t what he set out to do, but it was a byproduct of his actions. Still, his actions resulted in someone losing their life. And that shit’s hard to accept.

  “Please don’t hate me.” He lifts his head, his swollen eyes meeting mine.

  “I could never hate you.” I shoot him a sad smile.

  “I wouldn’t blame you,” he quickly responds. “I hate me.”

  “You shouldn’t,” I try to comfort him, but I understand why he feels like this. The guilt and pain will stay with him forever.

  “Tell me what you’re thinking.” He blinks, his eyes narrowing to fine slits.

  I take a deep breath. I have to be honest. I vowed to be. “You want to know what I’m thinking,” I say, pausing for a second. “Did you do wrong? Absolutely. Did you mean for that to happen? No way! And I can see that. I know you would never be capable of hurting someone deliberately. You’re a good guy, in here.” I place my hand on his chest. He leans in for a kiss, pressing his lips against mine. I kiss him back, wanting to take away his pain. To stop the onslaught of horrendous memories that have caused this man to break down in front of me.

  Caleb

  I have to do something. When shit goes bad I get this overwhelming feeling I need to run. To escape from the pain and the memories.

  My eyes had barely been closed long enough to get any sleep. I throw back the covers, climbing out of bed. I can’t stop thinking about the memories of my past. All that I confessed to and all I’d professed to keep to myself. But I spilt it all. The whole dirty truth of what kind of person I really am. The damage I’ve done. Deep in my heart, it’s tearing me apart. I’m scared that I will wake up one day and she’ll no longer be here. No longer want me the way she did before. But I bared it all. The whole dirty truth.

  I scurry quietly into the bathroom, pulling on yesterday’s clothes. Making my way out into the living room, I grab my laptop and fire it up. Setting it down on the table, I wait for it to load. I stretch out, my body aching from laying in the same position all night. Holding Amber. I didn’t care how much I ached at the time; there was no fucking way I was letting go of her. Not then. Not ever.

  Heading to the kitchen, I get the coffee going, knowing my mind and body both need a stimulant. Grabbing my laptop, I place it on the counter top while I wait for the coffee. I quickly log into my email and scroll through the ton that have appeared since I last had a chance to get online. I admit, I had fallen behind, but the few pieces I had to work on weren’t due yet. As I scroll through, my cursor stops dead on one interesting looking email entitled – Art Exhibition. I click, opening up the email to full screen. My eyes flit across the words eager to read more.

  “Shit,” I whisper, pushing myself away from the counter, turning to pour the coffee. The email details a huge exhibition for up and coming talent. And they want me to attend. The email states that I was nominated by a local businessman. Each artist is given their own section to showcase their art and there is always the option to
sell your work. This could be big for me. A game changer, even.

  I pour the steaming coffee, the aromatic smell filling my senses. I can’t seem to stop my heart from beating with excitement at the prospect of what this means for me. I scan through the rest of the emails. A few are of interest, but nothing major to worry about. With my emails behind me, I load up my web browser and start to look for something. Something special for Amber. It doesn’t take me long to find what I’m looking for, and I know it’s going to be perfect.

  A few phone calls later and my plan is booked. I shut down the laptop and wait eagerly for Amber to stir. I feel bad leaving her alone and I don’t want her to freak when she wakes up and realizes I’m not there. Sneaking back into the room, I slide in beside her. Gently resting my arm over her, I feel her start to move and suddenly she turns toward me.

  “Hey you,” she croaks, slowly opening her eyes. I brush the loose strands of her face, kissing her lightly on the head.

  “I was hoping you’d wake soon,” I whisper, pulling her as close as possible.

  “Oh really?” She smiles. “And why’s that?”

  “I have a little surprise for you,” I say with a tilt of my head.

  “Surprise.” She narrows her eyes. “What kind of surprise?” she quizzes.

  But I’m not going to spoil it, no matter how much she flashes those sexy eyes at me. “Wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you, now would it?” I smirk, whipping the covers off her. Her eyes widen in shock.

  “Hey, no fair,” she moans in a childlike voice.

  “Up,” I bellow, gently slapping her on the ass.

  She shrieks with laughter before jumping out of the bed and to her feet. She stands there in pants and a tank top, holding her hand to her head. She quickly salutes me before turning and marching into the bathroom. I can’t help the large grin that spreads across my face, excited about the day ahead. I have to show her I’m not all bad. I’ve done some bad shit, but when it comes to her, I’m a new person. For once in my life I’m smiling. The kind of smile that you can’t fight back, that appears effortlessly, without you even realizing. I rifle through the small closet, picking up the few things I’ll need for the trip and shove them in my duffle bag. Throwing it over my shoulder, I walk into the main room, setting it down on the couch. Since I want to be on the road before rush hour, I decide to make us something we can eat quickly.

  I whip up some eggs, finishing just as Amber walks into the room.

  “What’s all this?” She beams, her eyes flitting between the breakfast I’ve just plated and my face. Her smile is wide, so beautiful that my heart beats a little faster at the sheer sight of her.

  “You need to pack an overnight bag.” I quickly look up at her before sitting down on one of the stools.

  “What? Why?” she screeches excitedly. I sit, smiling to myself. My back is to her as I try and act like this is nothing. But inside I’m just as fucking excited. Just the two of us, out of this apartment. She places her hand on my shoulder, turning me until I’m facing her.

  “Talk to me, dammit,” she whines. She mocks annoyance, but really I can see there is a smile there.

  “You’re getting nothing from me,” I tease. “Here, eat your breakfast.” I watch as she sullenly folds her arms across her chest before huffing and sitting down beside me. She leans her head against my arm. “Please,” she whispers. “Tell me what the surprise is.”

  I narrow my eyes. “Breakfast,” I say with a little nod of my head.

  “Fine,” she chuckles, pushing in a mouthful of food. “Noww wiw you teww me?” she asks, her cheeks bulging with food.

  I laugh, shaking my head. “All you need to know is that you’ll need an overnight bag and we’re leaving in ten minutes.” Her eyes bulge, before she lets out a muffled squeal. Slipping down from the stool, she races back into the bedroom. I hear the clattering and doors slamming as she gathers her things.

  “I’m ready,” she sings. I turn to see her standing behind me, hands on her hips, and backpack ready. I want to break the seriousness on my face, but I know I shouldn’t.

  “Your breakfast is getting cold,” I say, pointing to her plate.

  “Forget the damn breakfast. I just want to know where we are going!”

  This girl is relentless, and just too damn cute. But I’m not about to give in. “We still have five more minutes before we need to set off. Sit. Eat breakfast.”

  She lets out a loud growl of frustration. “Did anyone ever tell you that you’re impossible?”

  ***

  We finally set off on our journey. If I’ve calculated it right, we should be there in about an hour and a half. I arranged to meet the guy there at ten. Amber looks for some clues as to where we are going, and I guess she’ll figure it out soon enough.

  By the time we arrive at our destination, Amber’s napping beside me. I pull up just outside the building, parking in the small driveway. As soon as I cut the engine, Amber’s eyes fly open and she searches for me, her head thrashing from side to side. Her disorientation is clear.

  “Caleb,” she breathes. “Where are we?” Her eyes are wide and she pushes herself up from the slumped position she’s been sleeping in. “Am I still dreaming?” Her eyes widen and are suddenly locked on mine. She doesn’t break the connection. She holds her stare, waiting for an answer.

  “I thought we’d try it out for size?” Her face breaks into the widest kind of grin possible.

  “What, here?” she asks, pointing to the condo right on the beachfront.

  I don’t reply. I just nod once. In an instant, her arms are around my neck, her mouth on mine. She kisses me sweetly and I can’t help but think how perfect her lips are. How perfect her tongue is against mine, working in sync as we deepen the kiss. I’m not just kissing her, I’m inhaling her.

  Amber pulls back, her eyes searching mine. “I can’t believe you did this,” her voice a whisper of excitement. “This is just what I need. Just what we need.”

  I nod, pleased that she gets it. “Wait here,” I instruct. “I’ve gotta sort out the rental for the condo. I’ll come back for you in a few, okay?”

  “Well, I’d rather be out there.” She points over her shoulder to the sand only a few yards away. “Just yell when you’re ready for me.” She quickly kisses my cheek before turning and exiting the vehicle.

  Making my way to the door, I knock lightly, my eyes watching Amber as she removes her shoes and quickly makes her way down the small incline to the beach. My attention is caught by the door opening. A balding man wearing glasses greets me.

  “Hey there. You must be Caleb.” He offers his hand to me.

  “That’s right,” I say with a hint of a smile.

  “Come on in. Let me show you around.”

  For the next ten minutes, he shows me where everything we might need is located. The huge window facing the beach allows me to see Amber. She’s dancing, the sand beneath her feet. Even from here I can see how happy she is. How free she appears to be.

  “So what brings you here?” asks the guy, interrupting my chain of thought.

  “My girlfriend.” I smile, nodding my head toward the window where she is.

  “Nice,” he says with a lift of his brow. I realize that this is the first time I’ve ever acknowledged our status to anyone. What Amber and I have become. I stand silently, watching her. I’m totally hooked on her. There is no going back from here.

  “So, I’ll be back tomorrow to collect the keys at ten. Enjoy,” he says loudly, patting me on the back.

  I quickly thank him, taking the keys from his hand. I walk around the space, slowly taking in the beautiful surroundings. Everything about this condo appealed to me. The clean lines, the large windows allowing you to take in the beach beyond. The whole location. We’re quite isolated, just how I like it. I walk over to the main window, overlooking the beach. I push my hands into my pockets and stare into the distance. The backdrop is stunning, but it still doesn’t compare to her. I grab the keys, maki
ng my way out to where she’s sitting on the beach. Amber’s leaning back on her hands, her face turned toward the sun.

  “Mind if I join you?” I ask. A smile spreads from ear to ear across her face.

  “Is that the best pick up line you got?” She chuckles to herself.

  “I don’t need pick up lines with a girl that already belongs to me.”

  She straightens up, her head turning and facing me for the first time. “I’m not someone’s belonging,” she feigns annoyance, but the smile she fights back tells a different story. I reach my arm around her back and pull her toward me, until she’s on my lap. She yelps with excitement and wraps her arms around my neck, staring at me with those big green eyes of hers. She scrunches her nose, her gaze never breaking.

  “Is that really how you see me?” she whispers, her voice so quiet. “As yours?”

  “Mine. And there’s no turning back now,” I joke.

  A smile tugs at the corner of her mouth, as she bites down on her bottom lip. “I couldn’t even if I wanted to.” Her lips meet mine and she places gentle kisses there, over and over. “This place is perfect. It feels so good to be away from the apartment. I can’t actually believe you brought me here. Just what we were talking about.”

  “Want to see the condo?” I ask, my eyes widening.

  “Sure,” she replies, jumping to her feet, holding out her hands. I take them and she yanks, helping me up. We lock hands and make our way back to the main door of the condo. “I bet the view from those huge windows is to die for.” She points toward the huge glass panes that overlook the beach.

  “Just wait ‘til you see it. It’s breathtaking.”

  We make our way back up to the condo. Opening the entrance, Amber stops in the entryway, her hand covering her mouth.

  “This is…this is… something else,” she gasps. I stand behind her, wrapping my arms around her middle, before resting my head on her shoulders.

  “Glad you like it,” I say, holding her tightly against me, before releasing my hold. “Go take a look around. I’m going to get the bags.”