Polly Pippin and The Tunnel of Death

by Sarah Godwin Winter

  'Oh, we can't take advantage of your misfortune,' Alison said. 'It's okay. But just as a matter of interest, how much do you charge?'

  'If you love our food and will agree to advertise for us, still nothing.'

  'Hang on please,' Alison looked at the eager faces round her and told them what had been said.

  The answer was unanimous. 'Of course! Do we order, or do you surprise us?'

  'We promise you will be very surprised,' the voice said, and they exchanged details. 'How many people? What date and what time?' The voice wrote it down and put down the phone. He gave his partner the thumbs up. 'We're in,' he said.

  As it got close to the day of the party, everyone was getting very excited. Piers and Miles didn't stop talking about it, and their Rebel twins, Zack and Knox were also very excited, but only because they could not wait to get into the house and kidnap the girls.

  We meet again

  'Somehow we have got to get an invitation to that party,' Sreip said.

  'You tell me how. You're the genius,' said Selim.

  'That's not funny,' Sreip said as Selim grinned. 'Commander Rhettnor ordered us to protect Byzantine Crescent.'

  'Then who is protecting the boys from their Rebel twins? They're on to us, you know. The Rebels Zack and Knox have flown in from Australia and have met Piers and Miles.'

  'I warned Papa this could happen,' Sreip said, 'and now the four of them are going to the party, so the Rebels have an invitation into Byzantine Crescent.'

  'You can guarantee Harry the Hand will be keeping watch out front.' They both pictured Harry the Hand and smiled because that's all it was - a large hand.

  'It's amazing how much that hand gets around. He's Zack's favourite, you know. Find him, and the Rebels will be close at hand,' Selim said.

  'Well, that bit of information is a little obsolete being as we know the Rebels will be at the party.'

  'Okay genius, how do we get in?' Selim asked, with a touch of sarcasm.

  'I know! What about a party-gram?'

  'A party-gram? What's that?'

  'I was sent one once, and they're great.'

  'So, what is it?' Selim asked again.

  'Well, we dress up. You can be Alice in Wonderland, and I will be the Mad Hatter. Pendragon can be the White Rabbit, and Kylin can be the Cheshire cat. We go to the door, get invited in and do a little show,' Sreip said.

  'Really! Well, big guy, I'm not being Alice in Wonderland or the White Rabbit. However, I wouldn't mind being the Mad Hatter.'

  'So, Selim, you're going to make me dress up as a girl?' Sreip could not believe his ears. Selim usually did what he was asked.

  'Yep, it's your idea.' Selim was loving it, it wasn't often he got the better of Sreip.

  'One problem, though: What if they don't invite us in?'

  'Who says no to a party-gram?' Selim hopped around pretending he was the White Rabbit.

  'Hamish Pippin and Algernon Ponsenby Eagles,' Sreip answered.

  'Well, Hamish is on an overseas business trip to the North Pole and is not expected back for two weeks. And Algernon the Ape has been called back to the First Universe for a catch-up.'

  'And how did you organise that?' Sreip was astounded. Selim usually had his mind on other things.

  'I have ways of making things happen.'

  'Seriously, how did you do it?' Sreip asked.

  'I sent a telegram,' Selim said, a grin all over his silly face.

  All the girls sat around the table, Polly, Alison, Lily, Lucy and Barbara.

  'Do you know what?' Polly said. 'I think we it should be a themed party, and we should hold it in the cottage in the garden.'

  'You have a cottage in the garden?' Barbara said.

  'Yes, and it's so cute. I wanted to move in, but misery guts Ali here said no.' Polly playfully pulled Ali's ponytail.

  'I'd move in with you,' Lily said.

  'Really!' Polly said, and she poked her tongue out at Alison, who spurted lemonade at her.

  'Can we get on with it, please? Let's vote. Who wants to have the party in the cottage?' Barbara asked. All the hands went up except Polly's.

  Harry the Hand was sitting in the tree outside the front, spying and eating leaves. He was telling the Liddles the story of his life, which he often did. He saw the four girls put their hands in the air, and was suddenly very interested in what they were saying.

  'So that's decided. The party will be in the cottage,' Barbara said.

  ~

  Harry was excited as he hunted in his sporran for his inter-universal communication unit to message Zack and Knox to tell them what the girls had decided.

  'Harry's just sent us a message, the party's in the cottage in the garden. That's great. Do we go through the house to get to the garden, or is there a back entrance?' Zack asked.

  'You can never tell with that house, it changes shape as often as I clean my teeth. In any case, it doesn't matter, we are inside the energy band.' Knox replied.

  'Well, we can always make an excuse to go into the house. By the way, do you know where Brad Capriole is?'

  'Nope, and I don't much care. He's outlived his usefulness now, so when we do find him, we can de-pneuma him and send him to Yrotagrup.'

  'So much for him being "King of the World".' Zack looked at his time gauge. 'Anyway, we'd better get back, or our pretend twins will wonder where we are.'

  'I hate to say it, but they're not bad for Freeflyers. I quite like them,' Knox said.

  'Oh, come ON, Knox! Are you getting soft in the head? They are the sons of Sreip and Selim - our bitter enemies.'

  'I know that, but they're so… so nice.'

  'Zack, Knox,' a voice called out. We were getting worried about you.' Piers and Miles rounded the corner on their motorbikes, smiling and waving madly.

  'See what I mean?' said Knox.

  'Shut up, idiot,' Zack snapped back, and when the boys pulled up, he said. 'Hi, we were just on our way back.'

  'We've been looking for you,' Piers said. 'We want to take you to Brown Sugar for lunch. Then we will show you over the film studio. Hop on Zack.'

  'No, you come with me Zack. I'm fed up with Knox already. He thinks he can sing and keeps bursting into song.' Miles patted the seat.

  'Oh, come ON!' Piers said, exaggerating the "on". Zack's head shot up. How good was the Rebel's induction? Not only was that exactly what he'd said five minutes ago, but how he'd said it. He shook his head. The more time he spent with Piers, the more he felt like his real twin. But he dismissed the thought - it was probably how it was meant to be. He shrugged his shoulders. As much as he hated to admit it, like Knox, he was actually starting to quite like the boys.

  Surprise, surprise

  Brad opened his eyes. He was lying on his back in a ditch in inches-deep mud and cold water. He rolled onto his side. How the hell did he get here? 'What the…' But he stopped a look of horror in his eyes. He didn't know who or what was in the ditch with him, and he was petrified. Standing in front of him was Harry the Hand, and that was all it was - a hand. On the end of each finger was an eye. And a mouth of sorts, with thick luscious lips, lay smack in the middle of the palm. Sometimes his tongue was his proboscis, and Harry loved to roll it out and poke people as hard as he could with it. He was dressed in a kilt, and hanging in front of it was a very lavish sporran, which also contained a proboscis. He stood on a dozen or so thin little pink legs. All the legs had white knee-length socks, and on his feet were big, chunky brown brogues. Apart from sitting in the tree outside Byzantine Crescent eating leaves, he loved to do the Highland fling.

  'We need your help, Brad.' Harry said, and picked him up as if he were a feather.

  Brad cringed, moving as far away as he could from the grotesque vision in front of him. 'What do you want from me? I'm just an actor.'

  'Really! And I thought you were an Honorary Rebel.'

  'Of course not. I'm on your side.'

  'And whose side am I on?' Harry said, as the Liddles stood by his side, teeth bared.


  'I don't know. I'll just be on your side. Look, I'm rich, very rich. How much do you want? I'll give you anything, just let me go back home.'

  'You don't have a home anymore, Brad, the Rebels have moved in. In any case, ye'll be safer with me. Your friends the Rebels are not very happy with you.'

  'Why? What have I done?'

  'It's what ye haven't done.' Harry poked him again with his proboscis.

  'I'll do anything you say. Just don't hurt me, and if you do, anywhere but the face.'

  'Good boy.' Harry flashed a smile. 'Now you're going back to your studio as if nothing has happened. The girls are throwing a party, and ye're going to show up just out of the blue.'

  'Yes, yes, anything you say.' Tears were running down Brad's face.

  'Ye are going to help us track down the Zen Rebels Event and Salute. Are they your friends?'

  'No, no,' Brad insisted. 'I was just going along with it, just for a bit of fun,' he finished weakly.

  'Good, then you won't mind eliminating them, will ye? What do ye think, Liddles? Poison in the tea? Or snakes in the bed maybe?' Harry said.

  Brad nearly fainted. This can't be happening, he thought. 'Oh God, I'm just an actor,' he said.

  'Yes yes, ye've already told us that. Brad, this is going to be the best and probably the last performance of your life, and no one will be there to see it.'

  'Other than us,' said the Liddles.

  'So we're all set. Tomorrow is going to be one hell of a day. Ye can stay with us, and we'll arrive at the girls' party together. In the meantime, let's go,' said Harry. 'It's getting chilly, and this ditch is damp.'

  A whoosh, bang and flash, and they were gone.

  The Dark Universe rears its ugly head

  Commander Rekrap thought the celebrations for the capture of Earth were not only premature, but they were also out of hand. As much as he tried to call order, no one took any notice of him. Even his top captains were drunk as skunks. Wine, women and song were the order of the day.

  'Sod it,' he said. 'I'm not going to put up with this a moment longer.' And he called his most loyal Captain to his side.

  'Get ready, Bean. Get our most powerful weapons together. We are going to Earth,' he commanded. 'We will win this war on our own.'

  'But Sir, the High Overlord said to wait till we captured Byzantine Crescent.' As soon as Captain Bean had said it, he wished he could bite off his tongue.

  'I don't care what the high and mighty bloody overlord says. And as for you, Captain Bean, you are within an inch of being sent to…'

  'Yes Sir. Of course Sir. Stupid high overlord. Whatever you say, Sir. You are always right, Sir.'

  'Well, you may have redeemed yourself a little, Bean, but just remember you are treading on very thin ice.'

  'Yes Sir. Is there anything I can do for you, Sir? Anything at all?' Captain Bean was crawling up everything he could think of.

  'No. And for the Devil's breath's sake.'

  'Yes Sir. What, Commander Rekrap Sir?'

  'SHUT UP!' The Commander stood. 'Not a moment to lose Bean. I fancy a holiday.' He straightened his tunic. 'On with the Motley,' he sang. 'Ha ha. These Earthbeings are so sentimental, don't you just love it?'

  He strode out of the Hall of Celebration humming the song, got onto the universal probe and sat back with every intention of enjoying the trip. 'Land us in the south of France first Bean, I want to have a look at what could be my new home. Hurry with the weapons Bean. We might as well take the top ten.'

  The cats out of the bag

  When the Supreme Commander Pope heard Commander Rekrap had disappeared to Earth and had taken the most advanced weapons with him, he was furious.

  'What has the idiot taken?' he demanded of his captain. Captain Magnum was reluctant to reply. He knew it would be his head on the block if Commander Rekrap found out it was him who had dobbed him in.

  'Come on man! What has he taken?' Commander Pope insisted.

  'Well Sir.' The Captain nervously got the list out of his pocket, '1. The de-pneuma. 2. The miniaturiser. 3. The time displacer. 4. The transporter. 5. The love ray. 6. The invisibiliser. 7. The body changer. 8…'

  'Enough! Enough already. The devil's eyes… If he only uses one of them, he could cause the destruction of a universe.' The Supreme Commander walked round the hall. 'Rally twelve of my best storm troopers. Do we know where he is landing first?'

  'No Sir. He dismantled the direction finder.'

  Things were going from bad to worse. The Supreme Commander had a big decision to make. He could not afford to blunder into any Freeflyers nor have them trace him. With two universal probes on the loose heading for Earth, they would be easy to track. 'Who of any status is on Earth right now?' he asked.

  'Zack and Knox. They are posing as the twins of Piers and Miles.

  'Are they, I told them not to till we were ready. They had their orders: Wait till the Rebels have control of Byzantine Crescent. What with them and Commander Rekrap on the loose, well never mind. Look, we'll head for Australia. Most of the Freeflyers will be in Great Britain waiting for our attack, so let's surprise them. We'll attack the Sacred Cave. I happen to be great friends with a Rebel Bushranger there. Oh, and get my warm weather gear together, just in case. We'll leave in one hour. Forget the storm troopers. If we need them, we can send for them. But first things first, we must stop Commander Rekrap before he does any more damage.'

  The cottage party

  The cottage looked magical, and the entrance gate leading to the garden was decked with twinkling lights. The pathway was strewn with rose petals, which, as they were walked through, turned into thousands of tiny fireflies that rose and danced under the trees creating sparkles that danced round the guests as they arrived. The girls had decided to greet the guests with honey rose nectar. Then, after they had relaxed, dinner would be brought in. On the menu, "Ambrosia foods and drinks fit for the Gods." And the climax of the evening - the entertainment.

  Two masked waiters named E and S brought in the food, and personally helped each and every one of them with their choice.

  'How do you do it?' Barbara said. 'This food is the best I have ever tasted, and believe me, I have tasted it all.'

  Polly was beside herself with happiness. She was with Piers, Alison was with Miles and Lily and Lucy were obviously taken with Zack and Knox.

  Gemma, Piers sister, was sitting with Nick, who had brought along a friend, Barry. He was as thin as Barbara was fat and was deep in conversation with her. The party was obviously going to be a great success.

  The food was finished, and one of the waiters announced that the entertainment was about to begin, and if they would please sit in the designated seats, the girls on the frontbench and behind the boys.

  The waiters threw off their white dinner suits, and underneath they were wearing a colourful costume of sparkling, flowing robes. As the waiters moved around each other, exotic music began. The dance got faster and faster till all the colours combined and created amazing patterns. Then the music stopped, and out from behind the robes stepped Harry the Hand. He was hilarious. All the guests loved his antics. He played to the crowd, standing on each finger and singing, and he had a fine voice. He did the cancan with all his little pink legs, and finished with a sword dance. Everyone clapped, cheered and whistled till one of the waiters came forward dressed as a magician.

  'Polly, whom would you like to grace your party? Dead or alive to you, but not to us.'

  Again Polly's head fizzed. She knew she had heard that before. But who had said it? It was on the tip of her memory. Who was it? She just could not remember.

  'Brad Capriole,' she said without hesitation. Alison was about to admonish her, but was stopped in her tracks as Brad, dressed as Romeo, entered the cottage. All the Rebels, including Harry, knew whom she would choose so had him there, ready to go. He walked straight to Polly and dropped to one knee.

  'But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Polly is the west.'r />
  Piers, sitting behind Polly, leant forward and put his hands on her shoulders. He was not impressed. He had never been overly fond of Brad Capriole, and now he positively hated him.

  'Now you Alison, whom would you like to grace your party? Or perhaps you would like to dance with us.' Each waiter bowed to the girls and drew them up to dance. They turned in slow circles, getting faster and faster, till the colourful skirts enveloped them. Eventually Polly and Alison could not be seen, which was what the dancers wanted. They finally had the girls in their clutches and were just about to whisk them away, when a loud knocking at the door broke the spell. Brad immediately jumped up and stood behind Harry. The two dancers let go of the girls' hands looked at each other and then at Zack and Knox. This interruption was unexpected.

  ~

  Polly pulled away and ran to open the door. Standing there were Sreip, Selim, Pendragon and Kylin, dressed as Alice in Wonderland, the Mad Hatter, the Cheshire cat, and the White Rabbit, who was playing a flute.

  'We are a party-gram. We come with gifts from Wonderland.'

  'A party-gram! How exciting! I bet Hamish arranged this,' Polly said. 'He is the best brother anyone could have. Come in, come in,' she said.

  Sreip and Selim stepped in, looked round and froze. They had walked into a dragon's den. The waiters immediately knew who had come into the cottage. He who runs away lives to fight another day Event whispered to Salute. Besides which, at this time, they didn't want a fight, after all, who's side would they be on? Within seconds, they disappeared up the chimney. Everyone in the cottage thought it was part of the show and cheered.

  Then Sreip, dressed up as Alice with the worse make-up ever on, took center stage. He pranced around like a pantomime dame, singing dreadfully out of tune. With a great deal of difficulty, he ignored the fact that Zack and Knox were so close he could have bitten them. Pendragon as the White Rabbit hopped around everybody. She loved being a rabbit. Kylin as the Cheshire cat bit Harry's thumb and swung him round and round in the air till he felt quite sick. When she let go, Harry spun in the air and fell flat on his back, sucking his thumb. Everyone, including the two Rebels, who had no idea who was entertaining them, was laughing so much tears were running down their cheeks.