The Lies: The Lies We Tell About Love, Life, and Everything in Between

by Christina C Jones

  “Why do I feel like you just read me?” I asked, instead of answering her question, and she smiled.

  “You might find yourself feeling that way fairly regularly,” she admitted. “I’m not like the therapists you may have seen on TV, or in movies. My style is such that many of my patients come to view me - not my words – their wise, no bullshit auntie.”

  Huh.

  I could see it.

  She was an attractive older woman, with golden brown locs that matched the color of her eyes. Her whole demeanor was warm, like she gave good hugs, but also, as she’d said… no bullshit.

  I liked her.

  “I think I can handle that,” I told her, and she nodded.

  “I know you can. If you couldn’t, I would have referred you to a colleague about ten minutes into this appointment. I have full confidence that through these sessions, we can bring you to a place of peace. You’re not as far off as it may feel sometimes.”

  I sat up a little straighter. “So then you know what’s wrong with me?”

  “That depends on your definition of “wrong”,” she said, with another little smile. “I believe we’re dealing with a classic case of mild, clinical depression. It has nothing to with your environment, and everything to do with simple chemistry. It’s why it feels so hollow when people tell you to just pray, or go to church, or just perk up, or “choose to be happy”. That’s not quite how it works.”

  I tried to take a deep breath, but just hearing those words had my lungs constricted. Sensing my discomfort, Dr. Layla rose from her chair to approach me, putting a calming hand on my shoulder.

  “Don’t let that cause you to panic, Brandi. As I said, we’re going to get you to a healthy place. We’re going to unpack, and cry, and tell some hard truths, and you are going to be okay.”

  “Am I going to have take medicines, or—”

  “No,” she said, putting a hand on both of my shoulders now. “Not as a first step. Plenty of people manage depression very well with prayer, meditation, yoga, running, hobbies, eating properly, getting enough sleep, drinking enough water. We’ll start there, with a consistent routine, and then adjust as necessary. Okay?”

  I nodded. “Okay. That makes me feel better.”

  “Good.” She returned to her chair, taking her subtle scent of oranges and vanilla with her. “Do you have any questions for me?”

  “I do, actually. Um… nobody took any payment information from me yet… will I do that after, or do you bill me, or what? I know this first session was free, but I need to make sure I can pay you.”

  “Funny that you bring that up. Actually… your boyfriend called my office.”

  My eyes got big. “I’m sorry, what?”

  Dr. Layla chuckled. “I like your reaction to that. And sometimes, such things are cause for alarm, but he wasn’t asking anything invasive, nothing like that. He actually wanted to leave his payment information on file. He wants to pay for these sessions for you.”

  I drew my head back, shocked. I’d mentioned, in passing, a concern for being able to pay for the sessions, since the insurance plan I purchased for me and Zion had no mental health coverage. He’d listened, and the conversation had taken a turn toward politics after that, but he hadn’t said anything about paying for the sessions to me. “I… don’t even know what to say to that. I don’t… we haven’t even officially been together a month yet!”

  “But you told me you were friends before that, right?”

  “Yes, but not much longer. A few months.”

  She raised her shoulder. “Contrary to popular belief, love doesn’t take very long to develop.”

  “Love?!” I almost choked on my tongue. “Absolutely not. It’s too soon for that.”

  “According to who? What’s the threshold? Would he… take a bullet for you today? Probably not. But he certainly cares enough that he encouraged you to tend to your mental health, correct? And has now gone a step further by attempting to take on the financial burden of it for you. Does that mean he loves you? Maybe, maybe not. But… neither of us can make that conclusion for him.”

  I shook my head. “You’re freaking me out. I can’t have that on my mind two weeks into a relationship that I’m not even sure you’re going tell me is good for me.”

  She laughed. “My apologies, maybe you weren’t ready to hear that. But what do you mean you’re unsure if I’m going to tell you the relationship is good for you.”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. I just… I always see and hear about women who had to leave romance behind to focus on their mental health. And I’m trying to be realistic here – that could be me.”

  “It’s true that sometimes our relationships are a hindrance. I’ve seen toxicity weighing Black women down more than I care to recall. It’s endemic. But – I don’t see that here, not from the few details you’ve given me through our conversation today. You started unconventionally, but from where I sit, I see a healthily blooming relationship, and perhaps more importantly, an actual friendship, with a man who seems to hold you in high regard. Unless that changes, you absolutely have my blessing.”

  “But what do I do about him offering to pay for these sessions? Can I accept a… gift… like that?”

  Dr. Layla smiled. “Brandi, that is a decision that you have to make for yourself.”

  I sucked my teeth. “Okay, that was your doctor advice, now give me the auntie advice.”

  She laughed. “Well… my mother, God rest her soul, once told me that if a man wants to pay for something I can afford myself… let him pay anyway, and to put my money aside for the day he decided to stop paying. I’m not suggesting that’s what you should do though – just passing along information.”

  I nodded. “Thank you.”

  “Whichever you choose, you should know – and this was made clear to him as well – anything that happens in our sessions is solely between me and you, unless you choose to disclose it, no matter who pays for it. It won’t change the work we’re going to do, and it won’t stop me from telling you to get rid of him if it seems like the relationship is toxic for you. Okay?”

  “Yes. I understand.”

  She sat back in her chair, scrutinizing me. “Was there anything else for today?”

  I shook my head. “No. Not for now.”

  “Okay. I’ll review what we talked about here today, and be in touch with you about that routine I mentioned. We want to start that as soon as possible.”

  “Thank you,” I told her. “I would love that.”

  “You are incredibly welcome. You’re a lovely young woman, Brandi, and I can tell you’re motivated to make a change. Once we’re done here, I’m confident that you’ll be able to see yourself as others always have, instead of being consumed by those ugly thoughts.”

  I pushed out a sigh of relief as I sat back, and smiled.

  “I’m looking forward to it.”

  &

  “What, you’re too old to get excited about ice cream any more? That’s baby stuff?” I gently nudged Zion’s shoulder, trying to him to perk up a little, but he shook his head.

  “That’s okay mama. No thank you.”

  My shoulders dropped.

  I hated seeing my baby down like this.

  He’d already refused to talk to him when Scott tried to call him earlier, and now he was refusing to do anything except stare at some computer game. Instead of forcing the issue though, I figured it was better to allow him some space for his disappointment. I pushed my fingers into the thick coils sticking up from the top of his head, ruffling his hair before I stepped away.

  “Okay. The offer is good indefinitely, so let me know if you change your mind.”

  “I will.”

  I left him alone.

  Once I’d closed his door and gone back to the kitchen, I let loose the heavy sigh I’d been holding on to. Zion’s plans weren’t the only ones affected by Scott’s cancellation – tonight was Gia’s birthday, and she’d been on me and Iris for weeks about celebrating
with her – not that she had to ask anyway. But my parents were out of town, which meant no babysitter for me. And even if I was willing to consider leaving him alone for a few hours – he was a teenager, after all – did I really want to, with him feeling gloomy? The last thing I wanted was him feeling like both of his parents letting him down.

  That was still on my mind when someone knocked on my door. I looked through the peephole first, and was surprised to see Kyle on the other side. I knew he had KJ with him, so I hadn’t expected to talk to him about my therapy session until later in the night.

  “Hey,” I said, when I opened the door. My first move was to greet KJ’s adorable self, bending to his level to relish every bit of the hug he gave me before moving tentatively through the door, and into my apartment for the first time.

  “Audrey is cool with it,” Kyle assured me as he came in, carrying a big white shopping bag.

  I intended to ask him what it was, but when I opened my mouth, the first thing that came out was “You called my therapist to pay for my sessions?”

  From the look on his face, I could tell he wasn’t expecting me to know that.

  He gestured for me to hold on, then directed KJ into the living room, where he put cartoons on the TV. When he came back to the kitchen, he put the bag down on the counter, and pushed his hands into his pockets.

  “So… they told you about that, huh?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, they did. Completely threw me for a loop, because… I don’t even understand why you would make an offer like that?”

  “I was trying to be helpful,” he said, raising his shoulders. “I know you have a lot going on, and I mean…shit adds up. I didn’t want the cost to be a reason for you not going. And I was going to talk to you about it, I was just waiting until your next session was scheduled. They told me the first one was like a consult, and it was free. I thought I had a little time to figure out how to approach you about it, but… I guess not. I hope you’re not offended or anything…?”

  “No,” I shook my head. “I’m not offended at all, I just… wasn’t expecting something like this. It’s quite a gift. Do you know how much those sessions cost?”

  He grinned. “I know it ain’t cheap. But… I don’t want you thinking this is something I want to do as your man. I would do this if we were still where we were before, would offer the same to Derrick, or Rob, Gia, Iris. I look at y’all like family now, my brothers, my cousins.”

  “Uh… we’re sleeping together, Kyle. Calling me your cousin isn’t a good look.”

  “You know damn well what I mean,” he chuckled. “Seriously though – I won’t feel any type of way if you don’t want to accept the offer, but it’s something I wanted to do as a friend. That shit is serious, and I know the kind of place I was in – career over, in constant pain, relationship a mess, feeling guilty, all of that. It was ugly. Therapy probably saved my life, you know? So if I can help… I want to.”

  I nodded. “I understand. And I appreciate it. A lot. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome,” he said, biting his lip as he approached me, pulling me into his arms. “Other than being a snitch, how was the doctor though? She’s cool? You feel good about it?”

  “I feel great about it, actually. I think she’s perfect.”

  He grinned, then lowered his mouth to mine. “Good,” he muttered against my lips before covering them with his, kissing me. “I’m happy for you… but that’s not why I came by.”

  “This, isn’t why you came by?” I asked, glancing to make sure KJ was looking at the TV before I reached between us, cupping his dick.

  “Stop that shit,” he groaned, grabbing my wrists to return my hands above his waist. “Don’t be mean, starting something you know we can’t finish right now.”

  I giggled. “I’m sorry,” I told him, reaching up to cup his face. “Why did you come by?”

  “For Zion. Where is he?”

  “I’m right here.”

  I nearly jumped out of my skin at the sound of Zion’s voice, realizing I’d completely forgotten he was in the apartment. I quickly pulled myself out of Kyle’s embrace, but the damage was already done – Zion was looking between the two of us like we had horns growing out of our heads.

  How long had he been there?!

  “Are you two like… dating?” he asked, in a confused tone, and I swallowed hard, heart racing as I tried to come up with a sensible answer.

  Kyle cleared his throat. “Uh… yeah, man. We are.”

  Zion shrugged. “Cool. What’s in the bag?”

  I drew my head back. Was it really going to be that simple? I mean… I knew Zion thought Kyle was cool, being the basketball head that he was, but I’d somehow expected some disappointment about me not dating his father, or having a new man in the house or something. And maybe that would come out later, as things got more and more serious between Kyle and I, but for now… he didn’t seem to care.

  “Actually, I was going to talk to your mother first, considering what she and I first talked about when I got here, but… I’m going to take my chances and go ahead and show you,” Kyle said, then called KJ over from the living room.

  I narrowed my eyes as I watched Kyle give my son the shopping bag he’d brought in. At first, I didn’t know what the hell was going on, but when Zion looked in the bag and let out the kind of excited yell usually reserved for new shoes and video games, I understood. Tears welled in my eyes as he pulled a big plastic case from the bag.

  Inside it was an intricately painted basketball.

  My heart leapt up into my throat as Zion eagerly opened the case to see the ball up close, exploring the details. Technical drawings and binary numbers, and circuit boards… it was amazing.

  “It was actually a gift for taking up for KJ that day,” Kyle said into my ear, wrapping an arm around my shoulder to pull me close as Zion and KJ gushed over the ball. “After that phone call last night… I figured now was as good a time as any to go ahead and give it to him.”

  I nodded. “Yeah. This is a perfect time. He needed this.”

  And so did I.

  Not the ball – the man who thought of the ball, who paid enough attention to me to learn about my son, and was generous enough to do something like this. And everything else he’d done.

  Zion already had his phone out, snapping pictures to send to his friends. I looked up at Kyle with glossy eyes, and smiled.

  “Thank you for this,” I said, and he smiled back before he placed a quick peck on my lips, no doubt because we were in front of the kids.

  “You’re welcome. Aye, Zion, why don’t you throw on some shorts or something, let’s hit the court. Break your new ball in.”

  “What?!”

  Zion and I said that at the same time, and Zion tucked the treasured ball protectively under his arm. “I’ll hit the court, but not with this one. No dirt is touching this.”

  Kyle laughed. “Aiight, fair enough. But actually, go ahead and toss you a little overnight bag together, okay?”

  Zion didn’t even look at me for confirmation, he just raced off to his room, with KJ right behind him.

  “You want to tell me what’s going on?” I asked, crossing my arms. “Why does my son need an overnight bag?”

  Kyle shrugged. “Weren’t you, Gia, and Iris supposed to be kicking it for her birthday tonight? You go do that, me and KJ will hang with Zion.”

  “I…” I let out a huff. I didn’t even know what to say to that. At this point, he was just… “What’s the catch here?” I asked, shaking my head. “Paying for therapy, and bringing gifts, and offering to babysit… this is the part of the movie right before you psycho, right?”

  He laughed. “Nah, B, chill. It’s nothing like that. Look… after the shit with Audrey, I told myself that if something real happened for me again, I was going to do it right. This is just me doing it right.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “You sure?”

  “Yes, damn,” he chuckled, wrapping his arms around me and backing me against
the counter. He dropped his hands to squeeze my ass. “Oh – I am gonna knock that pussy out the frame next time we’re alone though. So you be ready.”

  “I’m ready!” Zion called as he and KJ came down the hall, and Kyle ungripped my ass just in time for us to not be giving the kids a show.

  “You might be, but your mama ain’t,” Kyle teased, and I swatted his arm.

  “Ready for what?” Zion asked, confused, and I shook my head.

  “Nothing, baby. You have fun, alright? You’ve got your cell phone, it’s charged?”

  “Yes ma’am.”

  He was practically beaming, his mopiness from earlier forgotten.

  “Okay. Y’all have a good time. Call me if you need me.”

  “I will,” he called out, leading KJ to the door.

  Kyle turned to me with a grin. “I’ll keep you informed, Mama Bear, don’t worry.”

  “You’ve seen what I keep locked in my bedside drawer, I’m not worried,” I said, and he twisted his lips.

  “Ain’t nobody scared of your hot pink cumdaddy 3200 vibrator,” he teased, in a low voice, and my eyes got big.

  “Bye!”

  He laughed. “Remember – out the frame. Off the hinges.”

  “Byeee!”

  He caught me around the waist, giving me another one of those quick, kid-friendly kisses that weren’t nearly good enough, but would have to do for now. “I’ll see you later.” He met my eyes, dragging his lip between his teeth as he gave me a look that was… whew. Better, hotter than a kiss.

  The boys were rushing him, so he went ahead and let me go, and they left. When the door closed behind them, I felt… content.

  Like another piece had fallen into place.

  &

  “You think this shit is a game, don’t you?” Derrick asked Iris, and she rolled her eyes.

  “I do, because it is. Literally. Uno is a game, dude.”

  He grinned. “Not around these parts. You think I forgot about those draw fours a couple of rounds ago? Nah. Jesus forgives, I don’t.”