Jay Walking (Pastime Pursuits)

by Tracy Krimmer

  "Why are you talking to Lauren? Are you two like friends now or something? Or did you start some club?"

  "A club? What the hell are you talking about?" I force myself past him to the bedroom. Even though the picture is close to ruined, I gently place it on my dresser before putting on my underwear. I snap my bra shut when Daniel rushes in.

  "Are you two conspiring against me? Tell me. What are you doing with Lauren's number?"

  I'll be late for work if I can't resolve this quickly, but I doubt he even cares. "She stopped by the craft fair last month and told me she wants the kids to get to know each other."

  "She what? She has no right contacting you!"

  The hanger breaks in half when I yank my shirt off. I can't even look at him. "She cares enough to want her kids to have a relationship with their half brother."

  "You think I don't care? You don't know me at all, do you, Chelsea?"

  "No. I don't." My top is getting wrinkled as I twist the fabric back and forth in my hands. "Maybe that's the problem."

  "Problem?"

  I take a deep breath and turn to face him. "With us. This isn't working, Daniel. You want us to be a family, but you far from act like we are one."

  His face sinks as his arms fall to his side. "What? We are a family. And I want James to meet Natalie and Nathan. In time. They're still young, anyway. Why didn't you tell me you two talked?"

  I didn't want to tell him. When Lauren approached me about our kids being present in each other's lives, Daniel didn't even concern me. My problem of keeping things hidden didn't seem to work out to well for me. Had I told him right away, we wouldn't be having this argument, and I probably wouldn't be late for my job. "I'm sorry."

  I'm waiting for him to hug me, or kiss me, or something showing he forgives me, though, I'm not certain I should be apologizing. He doesn't approach, though.

  "Who's the guy?" He thumbs back to the dresser.

  Inhale. Exhale. Deeply. How can I explain Jay to Daniel? Ever since we got back together, Jay never truly left my mind. I always wanted Jay, and I can only blame myself for not being honest about Daniel from the beginning. The truth always prevails, right? I can't help but wonder if I told him Daniel wanted visitation, he may still be around. I guess I freaked out. Fear makes people do crazy, reprehensible things and run places in their lives they never would otherwise under any other circumstance. No matter what may happen, I need to be honest with him.

  I pull the shirt over my head and find a pair of pants. "Come," I say as I sit down on the bed. He follows, cautiously. "Jay and I met a few months ago. We dated for a short while."

  "Were you two serious?" His voice cracks.

  My eyes lose his and I lace my fingers together, now sweaty and sticky. "Kind of. Just as we started to get serious, you slapped the custody papers on me. He got pissed and broke things off."

  Daniel's hand covers mine. "I guess that worked out well for me, then."

  I hear the smile in his voice. He's the reason Jay dumped me, and he's more than happy about it.

  "We signed up for a 5K together. It's in October, and I still plan to participate."

  In an instant, his hand detaches from mine. "With this Jay guy?"

  "No. Not with Jay. Hundreds, perhaps thousands, signed up for this. I'm running. The past few months I've trained really hard, and I'm sticking with it." No one is taking this run away from me. No one.

  "Why do you want to do this? Are you trying to prove something?"

  I'm going to be late for work, and I still need to eat breakfast. "Yes. I am trying to prove something. To myself and my son. We are the only ones I need to make happy. I promised myself I would exercise, lose weight, and get in shape. Along the way, I fell in love with it." And with Jay. "I refuse to give up." I don't know how much longer I can keep up with this charade. Perhaps I've been wrong about a family. James and me, we're family, and maybe Jay could eventually be part of it, too.

  Daniel leans back on the mattress as I get up. "Fine. Do whatever you want. I hope you realize running this won't shed that extra baby fat, or get rid of those marks on your stomach."

  I pause for a second before continuing to the door. His words don't even warrant a response from me. I let the door slam behind me.

  chapter twenty-nine

  Grocery shopping is always one of my most dreaded tasks. Part of the reason I despise going is James gets bored easily during the trip. The mall is much more interesting with so many different stores and people to watch. The supermarket bores him. I've tried distracting him with a crayon and paper and stuffed animals and have gone so far as to give him my phone to play with, but always midway through he gets antsy and starts to cry. I enrolled him in a weekly class for toddlers at the rec department. The hour gives me enough time to get everything done quickly without subjecting him to the task.

  I guide my cart through the aisles like I'm on a race track, even though I'm alone. I should be taking my time and relaxing. I guess habits are hard to break.

  My shopping pattern is different since I began my workout program. I'm careful to read more labels but I don't deprive myself of what I love the most. I compromise, and if I want something like ice cream I purchase one of the specialty items through one of the weight-loss programs always advertised on TV. This week I go for the good stuff. I want double chocolate fudge and I made sure to put cherries and whipped cream in the cart as well.

  Daniel's comment to me a week ago didn't faze me in the least. Sure, when I left that morning, I wanted to punch him in the gut for saying what he did. I almost ended it. What kind of a person says something like that? Especially to the mother of your child? The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized that I'm not striving for a perfect pin up body. I don't care about my stretch marks and, in fact, I wear them with pride. All I want out of my newfound love for exercise is to accomplish things I never thought I could. I'll run the 5K and work my way up to a marathon. I'll keep boxing and possibly even enroll in karate. I'm choosing this lifestyle for me and my son and no one else. They're only words, and I refuse to be broken down by them.

  I try not to be naked around Daniel, but, when I am, I catch myself touching my abdomen subconsciously. Even though I'm not going to let his comments hold me back, I'm still somewhat uncomfortable and imagine what he may think of me. I'm going through the motions of this relationship. Each day with him is a struggle, but when I look at my son, I know I'm doing what I need to in order to give him the life he needs.

  Ryan's party is coming up in a few short weeks and I plan on bringing Daniel. I'm hoping the time out together alone will help rekindle something between us. Tonight he suggested after James goes to bed we open some wine and enjoy a movie. That actually sounds nice. At least we don't have to come up with conversation.

  The liquor section at the grocery store is quite comparable to that of an independent one. I stroll the cart pass the aisles until I find the wine. There is a lot to choose from, but I grab the one Daniel likes. I place the bottle in the basket, and almost drop it when Jay walks up to me.

  "Hey." He gives me a half wave.

  "Um, hi, Jay." This is awkward in every possible way. I miss those arms around me, and those lips touching mine. My stupidity messed everything up. I'll never know what could have been.

  "You're by yourself today?"

  He glances in the front of the cart, and I realize he's expecting to see James. "Oh, yeah. I think this may be my first lone shopping trip! James is in a class, so I'm against the clock to get this done before pick up time." I tap my fingers on the cart, struggling to think of what to say next. Seeing him in front of me floods my body with so much emotion I can barely breathe.

  "How are you?" Jay's voice rises and he cocks his head to the side.

  I'm a little offended. This sounds like a pity talk, as though my entire world fell apart because we're no longer together. Well, it hasn't. As long as James is in my life, everything is intact, as far as I'm concerned. I want Jay back, but t
hat won't happen. "Good. I'm boxing now."

  "Boxing? Really?" His face lights up. "That's awesome, Chelsea."

  I am pretty proud of myself. In high school, I excelled in art, not athletics. If my sixteen-year-old-self saw me now, she'd be so shocked and pleased. "Thanks. Are you still doing the 5K in October?"

  He pauses and puts his hand on the cart as well. Our hands are almost touching. "Yeah. Are you?"

  My heart leaps into my throat and tingles return. He'll be there. The chances of seeing him are slim, with so many entrants, but I'm glad the opportunity is present.

  "I'm planning to. I paid my fee, and I'm committed." Like I committed to him.

  "Maybe I'll see you there, then."

  We both nod, our eyes dancing between each other, not sure of how to continue. I wonder if he's hopeful he'll see me, too, or if he is only making conversation. At the very least, I'm showing I'm not letting the breakup bother me. I moved on, sort of. I'm uncertain if Daniel and I will stay together, or even if I want to, but I can go on without Jay.

  "So, big plans tonight?" He points to the wine now safely secured in the cart.

  As if I hadn't learned my lesson before, I overlook Daniel in my reply. "No. I think I'll watch a movie and sip on some wine after James goes to bed." I want to ask him to join me, but that isn't possible. "You're in the alcohol section, too. Do you have any plans?"

  "Actually, yes, I do."

  My heart sinks as I imagine him with a faceless woman, but a woman nonetheless, enjoying a drink over a candlelit dinner, pheromones filling the air. "Oh."

  He takes a bottle off the shelf. "I'm having dinner with my parents."

  His parents! Thank God. I breathe again, and my heart finds its place back in my chest.

  "I'm celebrating the demise of my private practice plan." He turns the bottle toward me and grins.

  "What? Why is this good news?" Jay was so looking forward to his own practice. I can't imagine a situation its collapse is a good thing.

  "My partner has some financial issues, and I decided I don't want to be a part of it." He snuggles the wine between his arm and side. "I should've seen it coming, but you live and learn."

  I don't know what to say to him. All I can tell him is I'm sorry.

  "Anyway, I'm upset, but I'm glad I found out before I couldn't back out. I'm starting from the drawing board, but my time will come."

  A small smile forms on my face, and I know he's right. His time will come, because he's a great person, and an even better doctor. He deserves this and he'll succeed. "I'm sure it will."

  "Thanks."

  We stare a second too long, and I snap out of my trance. "My hour is almost up. I should check out and go pick up James."

  "James. Yes."

  My son's name splits through the silence like a knife, and now I want nothing more than to get out of there. "Nice seeing you, Jay."

  I don't even wait for a reply.

  chapter thirty

  The rest of August flies by, despite the distance growing between Daniel and me. Amber hasn't been too happy with my decision to get back together with him, but at her young age, what does she honestly understand about family and keeping one unified? The world is filled with kids with parents who argue and aren't together. I don't want that for my child. My parents have been married for over thirty years and I admire their relationship. I want that. Daniel and I swore to do what we needed to stay together and be the parents we're supposed to be for our son. I'm holding up my end of the deal and I wish he would, too. Each day that goes by, James warms to him, and he calls him Dada. Each night, though, Daniel crawls into bed, wanting to have sex with me, but when the mornings come and James needs to get up, he pretends to sleep. I'm still on my own, despite him being physically present. He's at my house more than he's not, and might as well be living with me. I think I may need to slow things down.

  Ryan's party finally arrives, and, as Amber wanted, I'm going with a date. My parents agree to babysit James while we take some time to ourselves. I wish we could go as a foursome — me, Daniel, Amber, and Ryan. At least that way I can keep the awkwardness between me and Daniel at a minimum. But Amber still hasn't made her move on Ryan, and she's hoping tonight's the night. If something does happen between them, at least he holds his party on Sunday, leaving Monday to recuperate.

  I always love the end of the summer. Most girls I know live for Valentine's Day - the flowers, candy and Cupid. For me, it's a barbecue and celebrating the exciting few months of warmth we just experienced. And I love ending it with a bang — fireworks while wrapped up in a blanket. I don't care that it's still seventy degrees out when they start. I wrap myself up, lie back on the ground, and appreciate the explosions in the sky. The finale comes so soon. My favorite part is the wait, the anticipation. The grand finale is about the journey getting there, all the small booms until the one final moment hits. But once all the fireworks explode, only smoke remains. People clear out and the only trace it happened is the ashy smell and clouded air. Tonight, I don't want the end to come. I want to lie with Daniel, and hope, pray, his touch will soothe me and comfort me and bring me joy, fireworks between us, the way a loving relationship should be. The sparks that fizzled out are still gone, and I'm not sure they'll return. The sparks when I ran into Jay the other day at the grocery store - those are the ones I want.

  We arrive at the party around seven. This is my first time to Ryan's house, but for his first home, I'm impressed. It's a tiny ranch in a suburb right out of town, just after the city lights end. Perfect for fireworks. His backyard is set against a nature reserve, giving miles of visibility. The house itself is definitely that of a bachelor. Where most hang family photos and country decor, Ryan places neon beer signs and posters of Britney Spears and Beyonce. I may as well be in a frat house. I'm not bothered by it, though. I'm here to enjoy myself.

  Music I'm not familiar with blares through the speakers. I need to make a point to listen to anything other than Mickey Mouse Clubhouse songs. I can't even name a new song that came out this year. It's that bad. The tune is catchy, and before I can even say hello to Amber and Ryan, I want to dance.

  "Come on, Daniel, let's dance!" I start snapping my fingers and bouncing my leg. I'm so proud of myself, having lost almost the full fifteen pounds I set out to lose, and busted out my best pair of heels, a cute skirt and a spectacular top that displays my cleavage. After the breastfeeding, and, well, my climbing age, my breasts find themselves in dire need of a push-up. That's fine, though. I want to flaunt myself tonight. Not for Daniel. For me. Because dammit, I deserve it.

  He shoves his hands in his pockets. "I don't really like to dance," he admits.

  "You don't dance? Since when?" I ask as I try to yank his hands out of his pockets.

  "Since never."

  Is this true? Have I known him this long and never once realized he didn't dance? How else is he a stranger to me? Does the smell of coffee make him sick to his stomach? Would he rather jump off a cliff than watch a Friends marathon with me? Does he despise puppies? I realize I don't know a lot about him. At all. Here's my son's father, and I can't even name his favorite color. Our relationship, though finally out of the confines of the bedroom at times, still exists mostly behind closed doors. My only emotional connection to him is James.

  "Now's the perfect time to try." I manage to finagle his hands out and wrap them around my waist, and I keep moving to the music. He doesn't pull away, but his body is stiff, uninvolved. The beat picks up in the background, and my body keeps swaying, but he refuses to move with me or even crack a smile. People around us must think we aren't even a couple. From spectators, I'm sure we look as awkward as this feels. I continue to pretend nothing weird is going on, but I can't help but realize it is weird. The music gets further away as I let Daniel's hands drop. "I'm getting a drink."

  I leave Daniel standing in the middle of the room as I walk away. I need to find Amber. I search over the crowd, picking out those I work with and those I never me
t. Ryan sure has a ton of friends. My group is little, mostly acquaintances. I guess that happens when you become a mother. I lose my identity as a young woman and turn into just that - a mother. I'm clueless as to how to maintain a relationship at this point. I messed things up with Jay, and I can't handle a real relationship with Daniel, someone I thought I knew.

  Amber is slouched over on the recliner with a beer in her hand, clearly focused on one thing - Ryan. I push her over and squeeze in beside her.

  "So you're just going to sit here and stare at him all night?"

  She swigs a drink and points to the left. "He's too busy chatting with Gina from marketing."

  I glance over and Ryan is standing in the kitchen doorway and Gina touches his arm at any chance she has. He says something, she laughs and touches his elbow. He pulls away, scratches his head, grabs his ear. "Um, Amber, he's not interested in her."

  "Are you kidding me? She's gorgeous. Of course he's interested. Look at her with her crazy curly hair and those long legs. He's definitely into her."

  I may not be good at evaluating my own relationships, but it's easy to spot Ryan's disinterest. "Amber, he keeps trying to push her away. He likes you. Trust me."

  "Fine. I'm not convinced. But fine." She sits her beer on the table. "How are things with your baby daddy?"

  "Don't call him that."

  "Well that's what he is."

  "His name is Daniel. And they are ... okay I guess."

  "Sounds romantic."

  "Stop it, Amber. I'm trying my best to make this work with him. This is important to me." I still need a break, though.

  "But why? Why is it so crucial?"

  Isn't it obvious? I want my son to grow up with a father. What's so hard to understand about that? Every child deserves a happy family. But maybe that's it. I can't even recognize if I'm happy. Daniel and I go through the motions. He's not as busy at work, so he's at my house most of the day pretending to watch James. When I get back from a long day, I find out my mom's been watching James most of the day while he plays on my laptop or naps. I put our son to bed. I give him his baths. I feed him. Every once in awhile he lifts a finger, but, really, how much of a dad is he?