The Adventures of Alfie Onion

by Vivian French

  It took all of Alfie’s strength to push Magnifico onto the cart, but at last he was safely settled. As Alfie sat down beside his brother, something hard in his back pocket made him uncomfortable; pulling it out, he found Yurt’s parcel and he opened it with interest. Inside was his brother’s best catapult. Knowing how much time Yurt had spent making it, Alfie smiled happily as he tucked it away.

  “What’s that?” Magnifico asked.

  “Just a catapult,” Alfie told him. “Might come in useful…”

  The farmer cracked his whip and away they went, rolling past small cottages and green fields. Gradually the scenery changed: the trees were taller, the houses fewer, the fields wider … and then came wilder countryside, with craggy rocks, boggy marshes and one small, lonely farmhouse.

  “Here’s as far as I go,” the farmer said gruffly. “Down you get!”

  The hero and his Faithful Servant climbed down. Alfie thanked the farmer, Magnifico grunted, and the two of them set off along the road that was now much narrower and rougher.

  “Look, Maggers!” Alfie said. “There’s a bridge ahead. That must be the River Dribble. They say weird and wonderful things happen beyond there.”

  This was not what the hero wanted to hear. He crossed the bridge one step at a time, looking over his shoulder and shivering. Once he reached the other side he sat down on a tussock under a willow tree and stretched out his portly legs.

  “My boots are uncomfortable,” he complained. “I’m getting blisters.” He eyed Alfie’s well-worn hand-me-downs. “Maybe we should swap.”

  “If you like.” Alfie pulled off a battered boot, but when a large hole was revealed in the sole his brother had a change of heart.

  He waved his hand in a grandiloquent gesture. “You can keep them.”

  Alfie bowed low. “Thank you, kind Master.”

  Magnifico’s face darkened. “You’re laughing at me again, and I won’t have it! When I’m rich and married to a princess I’m not going to give you a penny. So there! And I hope you DO get eaten by an ogre – after you’ve rescued the princess, of course.”

  Alfie could hear Bowser beginning to mutter about mean mean mean brothers, and he put out a hand to soothe the angry dog. “It’s OK, Bowser. Shall we get going again, Master?”

  His brother nodded in a distracted way; a sound above his head had made him look up. “Huh,” he said. “Horrible birds. Can’t even sing.”

  Alfie gave the magpies a silent cheer. “Two magpies! That’s good luck. ‘One for sorrow, two for joy.’ They’ve come to tell you you’re going to find a princess, Master! You’re going to be a huge success!”

  “H’mph,” was all Magnifico said, but he got to his feet and started walking.

  Progress was slow, as Magnifico’s boots grew more and more painful. The afternoon sun was low in the sky before they came to a wide marshy plain dotted with clumps of reeds, twisted trees and thorny bushes. In the distance a dark forest loomed. Alfie greeted the sight with enthusiasm. “A deep dark forest … at last! That’s where adventures always happen!”

  Magnifico shuddered. “Where’s the castle?” he asked plaintively. “We don’t have to spend the night away from home, do we?”

  Alfie looked at him in surprise. “Didn’t you listen when Ma was reading you all those stories? Sometimes the hero seeks his fortune for years and years.”

  The hero glared at him. “Don’t tell fibs! Ma said I’d be back in no time at all!”

  “She wouldn’t have packed so many picnics if she thought you were coming home this evening,” Alfie pointed out. “Or two cases of clothes.”

  The truth of this hit Magnifico with a hideous jolt. He sank down on the road and looked pleadingly at Alfie. “But I don’t want to be away for years! I don’t want to be away for a month! Or even a week! My feet hurt and I’m scared of trolls and ogres and … and all that kind of thing. Can’t you go and fetch the princess for me? Erm … please?”

  Alfie sighed. He couldn’t help feeling sorry for Magnifico, who was red in the face and sweating.

  “I would if I could,” he said. “But it has to be you. It’s the seventh son of a seventh son who has the magic powers, not the eighth.”

  Magnifico drooped even more and put his head in his hands. “I wish I was dead.”

  Alfie rubbed his nose while he tried to think of a way of encouraging his brother to keep going. Bowser came to stand beside him. “Shame shame shame,” he remarked. “Long road road road ahead.” He stared into the distance – and his tail suddenly started wagging furiously. “Look look LOOK!”

  Alfie’s eyesight was nothing like as good as Bowser’s, and it was another couple of minutes before he was able to make out the figures moving towards them. He stared, shut his eyes, opened them and looked again.

  It was a man driving a horse and cart. The cart was bright green, and painted on the sides was a sign:

  J. JONES

  ANYTHING BOUGHT, ANYTHING SOLD.

  I TRAVEL NORTH, SOUTH, EAST AND WEST.

  Behind the cart, on the end of a rope, trailed another horse – a curious looking animal patched in black and white. Round its neck hung a board:

  FOR SALE

  ANY OFFERS CONSIDERED. NO REFUNDS.

  An idea popped into Alfie’s head. Would J. Jones swap the piebald horse? There was an enormous bag of pork pies in one of the baskets, but would they be enough? It was worth trying.

  “Maggers – I mean, Master – I’ve got a brilliant idea! Wait here, I’ll be back in no time. Take off your boots, and eat something. Bowser, on guard!”

  Before his brother could object, Alfie had grabbed the bag and was running up the road. Magnifico, outraged, shook his fist, but investigation of the second picnic basket made him think that Alfie was right. It was important to keep his strength up; a couple of thick-cut ham and pickle sandwiches and a substantial sausage would make a reasonable snack. Bowser settled himself on top of the luggage and waited to see what would happen next.

  Kev, uncomfortably perched in a gorse bush beside a dozing Perce, shifted from foot to foot. He’d been watching Magnifico for long enough to discover that the hero was an interesting character. Greed, self-interest, lack of consideration for others – all qualities Kev was inclined to admire. He was, however, puzzled by Alfie. What was in it for the boy? And, more importantly, what could Kev and Perce get out of the fact that a cowardly hero was on his way to find a princess?

  “There’s a deal to be made,” Kev muttered. “Brilliant brain like mine … sure to find an answer soon. Keep listening—”

  “AWK?” Perce opened a bleary eye. “What’s up?”

  “Not much.” Kev tweaked at a tail feather. “The hero’s eating again. The brother’s gone racing up the road to chat to a guy with a cart and a couple of nags. Get your beauty sleep while you can, buddy. Gotta feeling it’s all about to kick off.”

  Chapter Five

  ALFIE, AS HE CAME CLOSER, noticed that the piebald horse was behaving in a curious way. It kept peering from side to side, and occasionally it let out a loud whinny. It would then do a little dance, and follow this by nodding its head up and down as if acknowledging applause. When it saw Alfie it stopped, and the two of them inspected each other with interest.

  J. Jones leant down from his cart. “Want to buy a horse, laddie? Dirt cheap, but absolutely, definitely NO return if found unsatisfactory.”

  The piebald horse gave Alfie a cheerful wink and held up a hoof in greeting.

  “There you go,” J. Jones said. “Adeline’s taken a fancy to you. Can’t say no to her now, can you?”

  Alfie studied Adeline. She was old and plump, but she was in much better condition than the ancient animal pulling the cart. “Erm … if you don’t mind my asking, why are you selling her?”

  “One’s all I need,” J. Jones said, a little too quickly. “Don’t want to be greedy! My dear old Boris is quite enough for me. You’d look good on a horse, you would.”

  Adeline nodded agreem
ent, waggled her ears at Alfie and then, with a sudden jerk of her head, pulled the rope free of the cart. Making her way to Alfie’s side, she laid a heavy head on his shoulder and breathed in a carroty whisper, “Buy me, there’s a dear good boy!”

  Alfie jumped. He understood Bowser’s every word but, as far as he was aware, nobody else did – and he’d never expected to meet another animal who could talk.

  “I’m afraid I don’t have much money,” he said. This was an exaggeration: he had no money at all. “But I do have a bag of the very best pork pies. Made by my mother, and she’s an expert!”

  “I’ll trade you.” J. Jones peered into the bag. “H’m. Excellent looking pies! And I’m hungry. Extremely hungry. Give us your hand, young man. The horse is yours.”

  “Shake his hand, dear boy,” Adeline advised. “I’m everyone’s dream travelling companion – educated, cheerful, chatty. Everyone except J. Jones, of course.”

  Alfie hesitated. How would Magnifico feel about a talking horse? And what would Adeline think of Magnifico?

  “Oh, for goodness’ sake!” Adeline tossed her head. “I’m yours, the pies are his. Look – he’s eating one already!” With an emphatic nod she pushed past Alfie, made her way towards the other horse, and twitched her ears. “So long, Boris, you dear old thing.” She gave Boris a friendly nip on the neck, then turned back to Alfie. “Come along, then.”

  “Just a minute.” Alfie took a deep breath and, still unable to believe what seemed to be an extraordinary stroke of fortune, looked at J. Jones. “So … is it really OK? I take Adeline?”

  J. Jones shook his hand. “It’s a deal, but I’ll give you a word of warning. Nothing but trouble, that one. Good luck, young feller, is what I say to you. You’ll need it.”

  He shook the reins, and the cart went rattling down the road.

  Adeline snorted. “A very small-minded man, dear boy. Another twenty-four hours of his company and I’d have gone utterly and completely mad. He hadn’t the slightest interest in my opinions.” She peered at Alfie. “I don’t suppose you’ve met many horses like me, have you?”

  “None,” Alfie told her. “Where I come from, animals don’t talk. Although I do understand Bowser, and he understands me.”

  “Bowser? Who’s he?”

  “He’s my dog,” Alfie said.

  “Oh, a dog!” Adeline evidently approved of dogs. “Intelligent animals, dogs.”

  Alfie was about to agree, but was distracted by the sudden sound of raised voices. Swinging round, he saw Magnifico waving his arms and shouting at J. Jones, who was eating his second pork pie.

  “Oops,” Alfie said. “I bet Maggers thinks Mr Jones has stolen his pies. I’d better go and explain.”

  Adeline raised an eyebrow. “Maggers?”

  “My brother. He’s a hero.”

  Alfie began running down the road, and Adeline trotted after him.

  “Doesn’t look much like a hero to me,” she said. “I understood they were tall, dark and handsome. That one’s small, pink and decidedly—”

  “I’ll introduce you!” Alfie hastily interrupted the horse before she could say anything too rude. “Magnifico’s the seventh son of a seventh son. And he’s going to marry a princess … well, he is when we find one.”

  Magnifico, hearing his name, turned round to glare at Alfie. “Why are you never here when you’re needed? This man’s stolen a bag of my favourite pork pies!”

  “It’s OK,” Alfie soothed. “I swapped the pies for this … this magnificent animal! Her name’s Adeline. So now you’ll be able to ride, and your boots won’t hurt you any more.”

  Magnifico switched his gaze to Adeline, and Adeline stared back.

  “H’m,” the hero said. “She’s very skinny.”

  Adeline looked down her nose. “And you’re very—”

  “SPLENDID!” Alfie cut in. “He’s very splendid, aren’t you, Master?”

  Alfie needn’t have bothered to try to save his brother’s feelings. Magnifico was goggle-eyed.

  “Did … did it SPEAK?”

  “Of course I did,” Adeline snapped. “And we’d better come to an understanding, you and I. You may or may not be a hero – after all, I’ve only got this boy’s word for it – but one thing I will not tolerate is personal remarks. Is that understood?”

  Magnifico hadn’t heard a word. He was still staring.

  Alfie stood on tiptoe to whisper in Adeline’s ear. “He’s a bit – erm – in awe of you at the moment.”

  “Is that so?” The piebald horse’s anger evaporated. “I am a rather remarkable animal. Do I gather you’re expecting this hero of yours to ride on my back, by the way? I don’t remember that being mentioned when we met.”

  Alfie looked apologetic. “I … I sort of thought you’d take it for granted.”

  “Learn an important lesson, dear boy,” Adeline said. “Never take anything for granted.” She peered at Magnifico. “How much does he weigh?”

  Magnifico blinked in surprise. “Pardon?”

  “I have a weight limit,” Adeline explained. “And you’re a substantial kind of chap.” She walked round the hero who, for the second time in two minutes, was speechless. “H’m. Excuse me while I consult Norman and Penelope. They’re hitching a ride with me. A sensible pair.” She gave a high-pitched whistle, and two white mice popped their heads out of a small bag tied to her saddle. “Norman, ducky – what do you think? Can we accommodate this young man? What do you say, Penelope?”

  “Too big,” Norman squeaked, and disappeared again.

  Penelope was slower to make up her mind. “He’s nearly at the limit,” she remarked, “but I’d say you can do it, darling.”

  Adeline nodded. “That’s what I thought.”

  Penelope twitched her whiskers. “Pardon my mentioning it, but did you know there’s a DOG asleep on top of those bags over there?”

  “A dog? Oh yes. Property of the boy, I believe.” Adeline turned to look. “Alfie, do tell … what are your companion’s feelings on the subject of mice?”

  Perce was leaning so far forward he was in danger of falling off his twig. “Look at that, Kev! It’s a right old party down there. Can’t we join in?”

  Kev looked at his companion in alarm. “Oi! Stop it! We’re in this for the dosh, cash, silver, gold and the twinkly sparkly shiny stuff – and we don’t know yet which side we’re on! Don’t you go getting any of your softie ideas now. That red-faced one down there is the seventh son of a seventh son, and whatever you might think of him he’s got something special … he’s what we in the trade call a saleable commodity.”

  Perce blinked. “Awk?”

  “Something worth selling,” Kev translated. “Now, button up and listen!”

  Chapter Six

  ALFIE RUBBED HIS NOSE, which always helped him think, and grinned. This was a very different world, and he was beginning to enjoy it. Talking horses, talking mice … and nobody telling him to go and scrub floors or peel potatoes. He looked hopefully at Bowser. Would the dog speak?

  Bowser got to his feet and shook himself. Then he sat down again and scratched his ear.

  “Mice?” he said. “Mice mice mice? Not a problem. No no no. Don’t eat mice. Rats? GRRRRRRR!!! Oh yes yes YES. And cheese. Cheese is good good good!” He gave Alfie a fond look. “He shares bread and cheese cheese cheese with me.”

  Penelope nodded. “Glad to hear it. May I introduce myself? Penelope Longtail, temporarily homeless and temporarily residing in our horsey friend’s saddlebag. The other mouse—” she pointed to the spot where Norman had vanished— “is my brother Norman. Grumpy and generally unpleasant, but clever. Very clever.”

  Much to Alfie’s delight, Bowser made a low bow. “Pleasure to meet you. Bowser dog dog dog, at your service. Friend of Alfie Onion.” He gave Adeline a thoughtful glance. “Best best BEST friend of Alfie Onion.”

  Penelope curtsied. “Lovely, darling. I can tell we’re going to get on famously.” She leant forward and tweaked Adeline’s ma
ne. “Where are your manners, Addy?”

  Adeline threw up her head. “Ouch! That hurt!” She looked across at Bowser. “Adeline. That’s me.”

  “Just a minute!” Magnifico was standing in his too tight boots and pinching himself as he stared first at Adeline, then Bowser, and then Penelope. “Is this some kind of horrible trick or something?”

  Alfie threw out his arms. “This is adventuring, Master!”

  “Well, I don’t like it.” Magnifico was frowning heavily. “Tell them to be quiet.”

  “I don’t think I will, actually,” Alfie said, rather astonished at his own bravery in standing up to his brother. “I think they’re nice.”

  Adeline gave Magnifico a cold look. “Alfie, dear boy, are you sure you want to go travelling with this offensive young person?”

  “He’s not used to adventures,” Alfie explained. “And I have to go with him. Ma would be furious if I didn’t! She’s been waiting for years and years and years for him to bring home a princess and a royal fortune so she and Pa can give up the pig farm and live Happily Ever After in Glorious Luxury.”

  Magnifico’s face had been growing redder and redder as he listened. Now he stamped his foot and glowered at Alfie. “Don’t talk such rubbish! It’ll be MY Glorious Luxury, not Ma’s. And I can do what I want with it!” He turned to face Adeline. “I don’t care if you’re a talking horse or a singing rabbit. I’m the seventh son of a seventh son, and I’m SPECIAL! I’m going to find a princess and be rich and famous … and if Alfie won’t help me, then I’m going on my own. And if I get eaten by a troll it’ll be all his fault! So there!”

  He picked up the largest picnic basket and limped off along the road.

  “Whoops,” Alfie said, and he started to gather up the rest of the luggage.

  “Dear boy – what are you doing?” Adeline asked.

  “Going after him.” Alfie swung the cases onto his back. “I promised Ma.”