The Adventures of Alfie Onion

by Vivian French

  Adeline sighed. “I had a nasty suspicion you were a boy who kept his promises. Oh well. Let’s go.”

  It only took a few minutes to reach Magnifico. He looked round as Alfie arrived, and scowled. “So you decided to do as you were told!”

  “Shall I help you get on Adeline?” Alfie asked. “We’ll travel much faster.”

  The hero folded his arms. “What about those mice? I don’t like mice!”

  “And WE don’t like YOU!” It was Norman, who had popped his head out of the saddlebag.

  “Do be quiet, Norm,” Penelope told him. She ran lightly along Adeline’s back and pirouetted on the pommel of the saddle. “You won’t see us, darling,” she promised Magnifico. “You won’t even know we’re here!”

  “Yes I will,” he retorted. He turned to Alfie. “Get rid of them! Feed them to your stupid dog! And tell them to stop calling me darling!”

  Alfie put the luggage down and went to stand in front of his brother. “Look here, Maggers,” he said. “Do you want to find a princess or not?”

  The hero pouted. “Don’t be silly. Of course I do!”

  “Good.” Alfie opened the picnic basket lying beside Magnifico and handed him a bag of sticky currant buns. “You have something to eat, and I’ll talk to Norman and Penelope.”

  Magnifico snatched the bag. “Hurry up, then.”

  Adeline was watching the brothers, her lip curled in disgust. “Alfie, dear boy! Just leave the little toad here, and you and I will go out into the world with your dog. Think what fun we could have!”

  Alfie sighed. It was a tempting offer, but he couldn’t accept. Even though Aggie Onion had ignored him for most of his life, he felt sorry for her. She had pinned her hopes on Magnifico for so long that her world would collapse if the hero didn’t find his princess. She needed her Happily Ever After…

  “Thanks,” he said, “but I have to look after him.”

  “We’ll help you, darling.” It was Penelope, looking at him with her bright little eyes. “And you’re quite right to stand by him. I’ve got an idea … why don’t we travel with you instead of in Adeline’s saddlebag? A boy’s shoulder gives a mouse a fine view of the world!” She glanced down at Bowser. “Would you mind, my friend?”

  Bowser shook his furry head. “Not not not at all. Pleasure pleasure pleasure!”

  There was an angry squeak from the saddlebag. “A boy’s shoulder? I’ll catch my death of cold! What’s wrong with a nice warm pocket?”

  “You can ride in my pocket if you like,” Alfie said. “I don’t mind.”

  Adeline gave him a disapproving stare and blew down her nose. “I suppose you’re expecting me to carry that self-centred brother of yours?”

  “Yes please,” Alfie said. “I think we ought to try to get to the forest before dark.”

  The piebald horse nodded. “Nothing like a deep dark forest in the dark dark night for finding an adventure.” She lowered her voice. “Have you noticed, dear boy? We’ve got company!”

  “Company?” Alfie, startled, looked round. “What kind of company?”

  “Magpies. There’s a couple of them in that willow tree over there, and they’ve been following us.”

  “There were two magpies on the road to the village as well,” Alfie said. “They’re not dangerous, are they?”

  Adeline looked horrified. “Dear boy, you’re adventuring! ANYTHING can be dangerous. Spies come in all shapes and sizes, you know.”

  Alfie turned to glance at the willow tree, but he could see nothing.

  “Maybe they’re looking out for us,” he said. “Maybe they want to be friends.”

  “Maybe yes, and maybe no.” Adeline gave the tree a thoughtful look. “Time will tell, dear boy.”

  In the willow tree, there was consternation.

  “Kev! We’ve been rumbled!” Perce’s feathers were sticking up on end in agitation. “She said SPIES, Kev!”

  “Stay cool, buddy.” Kev was much less ruffled. “We aren’t spies yet, because we don’t know who we’re spying for. So that makes us just – what’s the word? Observers.”

  Perce looked hopeful. “Is that something to do with eggs? I once found a nice fresh hen’s egg … it was so lovely…”

  “Watchers, feather-brain. That’s what we are – watchers.” Kev nodded. “Although I might just be thinking of a clever idea. A VERY clever idea!”

  Chapter Seven

  AS ALFIE HELPED NORMAN INTO HIS POCKET, and Penelope onto his shoulder, Magnifico looked up from his third bun. “Oi! Are we going to go adventuring or not?”

  Adeline walked over to him. “Did nobody ever tell you, young man, that ‘please’ is a remarkably helpful word? As, indeed, is ‘thank you’.”

  “Whatever.” Magnifico picked up a fourth bun, considered it, then put it back in the bag. “So where’s the ladder?”

  “Ladder?” Alfie stared at his brother.

  The hero pointed at Adeline’s saddle. “How else am I going to get up into that seat thing? And it doesn’t look very comfortable. Can’t you find a cushion?”

  It took some time to get Magnifico seated on Adeline’s back. Not having a ladder, Alfie had to persuade the hero to scramble to the top of a low wall and then crawl across. Magnifico was certain he was about to fall to his death, and he squealed and protested until he was finally in place.

  Then, as Adeline started walking, he began to wail again. “It’s dangerous! I don’t like it. Stop! Stop!”

  Adeline ignored him. She kept moving at a steady pace, and Alfie half-walked, half-ran beside her. Penelope, on Alfie’s shoulder, winked at Bowser, who was running behind. “Such fun, darling – so much more entertaining than J. Jones.”

  Adeline heard her. “What a fool that man was. And so unobservant. Why, we walked right past the most enormous troll – and he never even noticed!”

  “TROLL?” Alfie stopped dead. Magnifico began to tremble.

  “Oh yes, dear boy. The forest’s full of them.”

  Adeline sounded so casual that Alfie took a moment to take in the full importance of what she had said. When he did, a huge smile spread over his face. “Wow!” he said. “WOW!”

  The hero was the colour of old cheese. “So we oughtn’t go there at night. Not at all. No way.”

  Penelope leant forward. “But what about the princess, darling? The princess in the enchanted castle in the middle of the trees?”

  There was a sudden silence.

  “Princess?” Magnifico’s voice was now a squeak. “There’s a PRINCESS in the forest?”

  “A very pretty one,” Penelope said.

  “Is she rich?” the hero asked eagerly. “Loads of cash? Pots and pots and pots of gold?”

  The mouse gave him a thoughtful stare. “Does it matter?”

  Magnifico was appalled. “Does it matter? Of COURSE it matters! If she hasn’t got money I’m not interested. Not at all.” He puffed out his chest. “Only the best will do for Magnifico Onion!”

  “Fancy that,” Penelope said. “What a lucky princess she’ll be.”

  Magnifico looked at Alfie. “Is she laughing at me? I don’t want to be laughed at!”

  Alfie ignored him and turned to Bowser and Adeline. “I think we’ll go as far as the edge of the forest, and make a camp for the night.” He paused. “And then I might just go and have a little wander round…”

  “No no NO!” Magnifico’s face was green with terror. “You’ll get gobbled up by a troll and then I won’t have anyone to look after me. You can’t, I won’t allow it!”

  Nothing Alfie said would calm his brother, and in the end he was forced to promise that he would make no attempt to explore the forest until the following day. Only then would Magnifico go on.

  “It could be for the best, darling,” Penelope whispered in Alfie’s ear as Adeline walked away, the hero clinging to her neck. “Most of the trolls are absolutely harmless – some are quite pleasant, in fact – but one or two get a little overexcited when the moon is up.”


  “And is there really a princess in an enchanted castle?” Alfie asked. “And does she really need rescuing?”

  The little white mouse nodded. “She’s asleep, darling. She’s been asleep for ages and ages and ages, and the castle’s completely surrounded by thorns.”

  “Oh, I know that story!” Alfie’s eyes shone. “It was one of my mother’s favourites. Someone has to hack down the thorns and kiss her, and then she’ll wake up.” His eyes grew brighter still. “That’s such good news! I can hack down the thorns, and then Maggers can go marching in and kiss her. Even he can kiss a sleeping princess!”

  “That might well be true,” Penelope agreed. “But there’s one small problem – apart from the thorns, of course.”

  Alfie stared at her. “What is it?”

  “It’s a blooming great ogre and his blooming great lump of a son!” Norman’s head had popped out of Alfie’s pocket, his whiskers quivering angrily. “They’ve set up camp right in front of the castle, and every time a prince comes riding up – all pleased with himself and thinking he’s on his way to win a princess – out they come and bop him on the head. What do you say to that, sunshine?”

  Chapter Eight

  AS ALFIE WALKED ALONG THE ROAD behind Adeline, Bowser at his side, he was wondering just how much he should tell his brother. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what Magnifico would say if he thought there was one ogre, let alone two…

  “Three,” Penelope said.

  “Three?” Alfie looked at her in surprise, and Bowser pricked up his ears.

  “You were thinking about the ogres, darling.” Penelope nodded her little head. “I could tell. And I thought you should know that there are three of them. There’s a daughter as well. They’ve left her at home in a horrible smelly old house on the edge of the forest – but she often comes to see her brother and father. She’s always wandering around singing loud ogreish songs. It drives the trolls mad, because they like to sleep during the day.”

  “So why don’t they chase her away?” Alfie asked.

  Penelope shrugged. “They’re scared. Ogres are strong. Strong, and stupid, and hungry. They’ve been known to catch little trolls and make them into pies.”

  Alfie shuddered. “Why didn’t they catch Mr Jones, then?”

  “Oh, he and Adeline travelled along the outer road,” Penelope explained. “The castle’s right in the middle.”

  Alfie rubbed his nose thoughtfully. “Can I ask you something?”

  The mouse waved a paw. “Anything, darling!”

  “How come you know so much about the forest?” Alfie hoped he wasn’t being rude, or too inquisitive.

  “We used to live there,” Penelope told him, and her ears and whiskers drooped. “We had a dear little house under the thorns of Rosewall Castle, but one dreadful day we came home, darling, and it was all squashed flat! An ogre must have trodden on it. The trolls would never do anything like that. We couldn’t find another house that we knew would be safe – so we decided to see the world a little, and go back when the ogres had gone. We hitched a ride with Adeline, and here we are!”

  “And we wish we weren’t,” Norman put in. He came a little further out of Alfie’s pocket, his nose twitching. “I liked living in the forest. Someone needs to get rid of those ogres! Naming no names, of course.” He gave Alfie a heavy wink. “I hate them, the trolls hate them … they’re no use to anyone.”

  Alfie was sure that Norman was right. He also had a suspicion that the mouse thought that he, Alfie Onion, was the person to remove the ogres, even though he was nobody special. Dealing with ogres was the job of a hero – but it surely needed a very different hero to the one currently riding towards the forest in his undersized boots.

  Alfie sighed and looked round for Bowser. When things were getting complicated, the dog was always a comfort.

  “Run run run?” Bowser had no problem with a little cowardice when it seemed like the safest course of action. In his opinion, ogres were best avoided.

  “I suppose we could go a bit faster,” Alfie agreed, and he quickened his pace.

  The dog looked surprised – that wasn’t what he’d had in mind – but there was a mouse-sized round of applause from Alfie’s pocket. “That’s the best idea I’ve heard today. It would be nice to think we’ll get there before next week. I’m fed up with that so-called hero. Nothing but fuss fuss fuss, moan moan moan.”

  “Patience, Norman ducky!” Penelope shook her head at her brother. “We may be travelling slowly, but we’ll get there in the end.”

  Adeline, catching the end of the mouse’s sentence as Alfie came up beside her, twitched an ear. “What’s that? Too slow? Want me to change up a gear or two?”

  She gave a little skip and began to trot. Magnifico gave a loud shriek of horror as he found himself bouncing up and down, and Alfie hastily caught at Adeline’s reins.

  “Maybe we could just try walking a little faster,” he suggested. “I don’t think Maggers can quite cope with trotting.”

  Adeline was happy to agree. “Couldn’t have kept that up for long anyway, dear boy,” she said. “It’s exactly like having a sack of potatoes wobbling on my back.”

  Alfie looked up at his brother. Magnifico was lying across the saddle, his eyes screwed shut and his hands clutching at Adeline’s mane. He was whimpering softly. “All right, Master?” Alfie asked.

  “Do I look all right?” Magnifico wailed. “I want to stop … and I want to go to bed with a hot water bottle and a packet of biscuits!”

  “We’ll stop soon,” Alfie promised.

  “We’ll tuck him up in a nice dry bed of heather,” Adeline said. “There’s a neat little hollow not far from the edge of the forest – very cosy.” She twitched her ears and glanced up at the sky, where the blue was fading away into darkness and the first star was twinkling. “H’m … I’d say we were in for a warm summer’s night. Lucky for us, eh?”

  “That’s it! THAT’S IT! My greatest idea ever ever ever!” Kev flew up in the air, looped a triumphant loop, and zoomed back to knock the sleeping Perce off his branch. “Wakey wakey! Rise and shine!”

  “I’d rather have a nice fresh hen’s egg,” Perce grumbled. “What are you fussing about now?”

  “Fuss? You’re talking to a genius, Percy my lad. Just listen to my idea! There are ogres in those woods, right?”

  Perce yawned. “If you say so.”

  “I do. The mouse just said. Now, that lily-livered hero’s never going to make it to the princess and the gold and treasure – repeat, TREASURE, as in twinkly sparkly shiny stuff – until the ogres have gone. Right?”

  Perce nodded. “Right.”

  “So he needs help. He needs an army. Who’s got an army? The trolls. And they hate the ogres, so it’s looking good. Very good! Now, you’re just about to ask me why the trolls don’t chase the ogres away—”

  “Am I?” Perce scratched his neck. “Why?”

  Kev gave an exasperated squawk. “Because that’s what any bird with any sense would ask! The trolls are scared. Those ogres are big and strong. But trolls are strong too, and there are a lot more trolls than there are ogres. So what do they need? A leader! In fact, they need a hero! Get my drift?”

  “Erm…” Perce said.

  “Never mind. We tell the trolls there’s a hero on his way to the forest. We tell them he’s a right clever chap, and if they help him he’ll get rid of the ogres for good and all. They help, the ogres go, the hero gets the princess and the gold – and guess what we get, Perce?”

  Perce looked hopeful. “Two eggs?”

  “Nah. We get twinkly sparkly shiny treasure. Enough for the rest of our little lives, Perce.”

  Perce shuffled on his branch. He could see a problem. “But … but Kev! That hero – he’s not clever. Not at all.”

  “Well spotted, my little old buddy bird. But his brother is, and so’s that horse, and the mice are as bright as ninepence! They’ll think of something. Not too sure about the dog, mind. But don’t you
worry, I’ve got it sorted. Off we go, ups-a-daisy!” And Kev was airborne, circling up and up into the evening sky.

  Perce shook his head, and followed.

  Chapter Nine

  THE LITTLE PARTY TRAVELLED STEADILY ON. More stars came out, followed by a moon that turned Adeline into a horse of black and silver. The hero mumbled and muttered, and when at last Adeline announced that they had reached their destination – a small heather-filled hollow in a circle of gorse bushes – he announced that he wanted a proper bed.

  “Maggers, there ISN’T a bed.” Alfie was doing his best to be patient. “Look … we’ll light a fire so you can keep warm while you eat your supper. And maybe tomorrow we’ll find the castle, and you can kiss the princess, and it’ll be a Happily Ever After ending!”

  Magnifico had climbed down from Adeline’s back, and was rubbing his bottom.

  “I’m never going to be able to sit down again,” he complained. “I told you I needed a cushion, but you never got me one. You’re stupid and you’re useless, Alfie Onion. I wish I’d never let you come with me!”

  Alfie didn’t answer. He handed the hero one of the picnic baskets, and began to look for sticks for a fire. Magnifico immediately forgot his aches and pains and opened a greasy paper bag with coos of pleasure. A moment later his mouth was so full of sausage roll he couldn’t complain any more.

  “And where’s your picnic, dear boy?” Adeline enquired.

  “I’ve got a cheese sandwich,” Alfie said. “It’s not all that old … Pa brought it back from work.”

  Adeline’s snort of disgust made even Magnifico look up. Bowser gave a short sharp yap, and bounced towards the food baskets.

  “Bowser! NO!” Alfie yelled, and Magnifico let out a shriek of horror.

  “Don’t you DARE touch my picnics!”

  Bowser took no notice. Snatching up one of the baskets he tipped it over, and three large ham pies fell out onto the grass. Magnifico crammed his sausage roll into his mouth and rushed to save his precious food – but Bowser was too quick for him. Seizing the largest pie he bounded back to Alfie, and laid it at his feet.