The Adventures of Alfie Onion

by Vivian French

  Alfie heaved a massive sigh. All he could do was take the risk. The keys were lying beside him, and in front of him was a large girl ogre who was cooing at his brother. It was time for action.

  Alfie bowed. “Excuse me, ma’am,” he said. “Would you … that is, might you like to help me? Me and the – erm – ickle pickle?”

  Bilinda wiped her face with the edge of her grubby apron, leaving smears on her cheeks. “Help?” she repeated. “Help do what?”

  “I want to set the princes free,” Alfie explained, “and collect some of those bottles. Snail soup? Is that what’s in them? I need it so … so we can try to get inside the castle.”

  He felt it would be a step too far to explain that he wanted to drug her father and brother, but Bilinda surprised him.

  “Poppy snail soup for Dadda and Flugg?” she asked, and a conspiratorial smile slowly spread across her face. “Oh yes. Poppy snail soup make them sleep. Sleep good!” She paused. “Why you need get in?”

  Alfie pointed at the cage. “Magnifico – the ickle pickle – is the seventh son of a seventh son, and that’s very special. Very special indeed! That makes him a hero! That’s why he’s here in the forest: he’s adventuring. Going to find his fortune, like in the fairytale book. He has to get into the castle so he can kiss the princess, and then he’ll live Happily Ever After, with lots and lots of gold and…”

  Alfie’s voice died away. Bilinda had sunk to her knees, her shoulders shaking with silent sobs. She looked so unhappy that Alfie found himself running to hug as much of her as he could reach.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m so sorry – what is it? What did I say?”

  The girl pushed him away, her eyes swimming with tears. “Ickle pickle will go with princess?”

  “Erm … yes,” Alfie said. “Yes, I suppose he will. My family are hoping he’ll bring them enough gold to live in Glorious Luxury for ever and ever, you see…”

  Bilinda drooped even more, and the sobs came faster. “Ickle pickle has family?”

  “There’s Ma, and Pa, and six brothers as well as me,” Alfie told her. Every word he said seemed to make the girl more miserable, and he was feeling worse and worse.

  “So ickle pickle not go away with Bilinda…” The ogre threw herself on her face and began to cry as if her heart was torn in pieces. “Oh, lonely Bilinda! Lonely, lonely, LONELY Bilinda…”

  “OI! Listen to me!” Magnifico was banging on the bars of his cage. “You can come home with us if you want. I don’t mind. Just don’t cry! I hate crying.”

  The tears stopped, and Bilinda slowly sat up, gazing at Magnifico as if he were the most precious thing in the whole wide world. “Go with darling chubbly wubbly?”

  “Yes.” The hero shrugged. “Like I said, I don’t mind. Tell her, Alfie.”

  Alfie blinked in astonishment. What on earth would his mother and father say? Maybe it was best not to think too far into the future.

  “Yes,” he said. “Come home with us!”

  At once Bilinda wiped away her tears. “Bilinda help. Bilinda fetch poppy snail soup.”

  “Thank you,” Alfie said. “And you’ll let the princes out?”

  The girl ogre nodded. “Let moany princes out.” She pocketed the keys and picked up the birdcage. “Come, ickle pickle. Come with Bilinda—”

  “Oh!” Alfie hadn’t expected this. “Erm … wouldn’t it be quicker if you left Maggers – the ickle pickle – here?”

  “NO WAY!” A mutinous expression that Alfie knew all too well had settled on the ickle pickle’s face. “I’m not going to stay here. It’s not safe.”

  Alfie stared at his brother. He seemed perfectly happy to be sitting in a cage carried by an ogre who was more than twice his size. Indeed, he had the air of a king riding in a carriage.

  “I want to go with Bilinda,” the hero went on. “SHE looks after me!”

  Bilinda gave a coo of pleasure. “Darling precious little chubbly!” She put her head on one side and blew kisses at him. “Like to ride on Bilinda’s shoulder?”

  Magnifico shook his head. “I want some bars between me and the horrible forest!”

  Bilinda patted the cage. “Bilinda will keep you safe, chubbly wubbly. You is my dearest darling!” And she strode away, the birdcage in her arms.

  Chapter Eighteen

  “WAIT!” Norman was running through the leaves. “Wait!”

  Alfie swung round. “Hi, Norman!”

  “What have you done?” The mouse was incandescent with rage. “Do you really think you’ll ever see her or your brother again?”

  “Yes,” Alfie said. “Yes, I do.”

  “Then you’re as stupid as the ogres,” Norman snapped. “You mark my words, you’ll live to be sorry you’re so trusting.”

  “Awk?”

  Norman and Alfie jumped. Kev had flown silently down and was perched above their heads, studying them with interest. “Bit of a barney? Bit of a ruckus? Me and Perce, we do it all the time!”

  Alfie peered at the black and white bird. “Hey! It was you who told the trolls a hero was coming to the forest, wasn’t it?”

  Kev shrugged. “Good plan, went wrong,” he said. “Not our fault, if you don’t mind my saying so. And those ogres are after the princess, same as your hero. Want to get their hands on the gold.”

  “I know that,” Alfie said. “Erm … are you two spies? Or what?”

  “Hang about!” Kev gave him a reproachful look. “Who was that who got hairy scary Flugg running for cover just now? Me and Perce, that’s who!”

  Alfie looked at Norman for confirmation, and the mouse nodded. “It would appear Flugg is superstitious,” he said. “One magpie, and he was off.”

  “Dived into the rose bushes,” Kev said cheerfully. “He was sitting picking thorns out of his knees a moment ago. The big one’s standing guard with the knobbliest club you ever did see. Thinks there’s a prince about to come riding up because he heard a horse whinny. Going to be dead disappointed when he finds out it’s your team!”

  “My team? You mean Adeline and Bowser and Penelope?” An anxious expression crossed Alfie’s face. “Where were they? Are they near here?”

  The bird put his head on one side. “Not far, as it happens. Not far. But I’d like an answer myself. Perce and me – we’re useful. Very useful. So if we’re useful to you, what’s in it for us?”

  Norman sniffed. “I don’t imagine you’d think it was enough reward simply to do a good deed?”

  “Nah.” Kev shook his head, then added, “Didn’t care to see that ogre beating up his girl, mind. Not good, that.”

  “What would you like?” Alfie asked. “I haven’t got anything much. We’ll have more when Maggers has kissed the princess, though.”

  The magpie’s eyes gleamed. “Any chance of some twinkly sparkly shiny stuff?”

  “If we find any, it’s yours,” Alfie promised.

  “Done deal.” The magpie winked. “The mouse can bear witness.”

  “Me? I disapprove of the whole arrangement,” Norman said stiffly. “If you ask me, this young man is making one bad decision after another. First—”

  Norman’s rant was interrupted by a rustling in the bracken, and a moment later Bowser was leaping up at Alfie and covering him with wet doggy kisses.

  “BOWSER!” Alfie was overjoyed. “I’ve missed you so much! Where are Adeline and Penelope?”

  “Near near near!” Bowser panted. “Come come come!” His eyes fell on Kev. “Who he?”

  “It’s OK,” Alfie said. “He’s a friend. He’s going to help us … but let’s go and find the others! Norman, do you want to go back in my pocket?”

  The mouse gave an exaggerated sigh. “If it’s not too much trouble. I’d hoped I might be considered as a friend, but evidently not. You prefer the company of ogres and birds of fancy plumage.”

  Alfie smiled as he picked the mouse up. “You’ve been an amazing friend, Norman.”

  “H’mph,” the mouse said, but he settled himse
lf comfortably in Alfie’s pocket with no further complaint.

  Bowser was looking puzzled. “Where where where hero?”

  “Long story – I’ll tell you when I tell the others,” Alfie said. He looked at Kev. “Could you see how Bilinda and Magnifico are getting on? Please? I don’t know how long we’ve got before they get back.”

  “No probs,” the magpie said. “Perce is on watch for ogre action. Ak ak ak! You’d better meet him.”

  He called again, and a flutter of black and white came flying down from the castle tower. A distant roar followed, and Perce landed beside Kev looking pleased with himself.

  “Hear that?” he said proudly. “That’s me! I’m a Bad Bird! Makes that ogre yell every time!”

  Kev nudged him. “Ssh! Look, the lad here, he and I’ve done a deal. We’re on his side. Got it? You get back up to that tower and keep your peepers open – no dozing. Any sign of ogre attack, you fly straight to young Alfie and report. Understand?”

  Perce shifted from foot to foot. “Um … might there be a nice warm hen’s egg at the end of all this?”

  “If we find one, it’s yours,” Alfie said. “Oh, and lots of twinkly – what was it?”

  “Twinkly sparkly shiny stuff,” Kev prompted.

  “Yes. That too. I promise.”

  “Can’t say fairer than that, can he, Perce?” Kev gave his partner a push. “Off you go, old buddy of mine!” He stretched his wings. “Be seeing you…”

  As Kev left in one direction and Perce in the other, Bowser led Alfie down a narrow winding path. “Ssh ssh ssh!” he warned. “Too too too near ogres!”

  Alfie did his best to move as silently as he could. After a short while he realised they were circling the castle; there were towering banks of tangled roses all along one side of the path that they were following, and the shuttered windows looked down on him. Alfie wondered about the princess asleep inside. What would she be like? What would happen after Magnifico kissed her? Would she be pleased? What if she wasn’t?

  “You’re thinking too much, dear boy,” said Adeline’s familiar voice. “I can tell!”

  Alfie glanced up and saw the horse right in front of him. Penelope was dancing up and down on her saddle in a state of huge excitement. “Darling!” she trilled. “How wonderful to see you! Where’s the hero?”

  Norman had scampered out of Alfie’s pocket and onto his shoulder. “Lost for ever,” he announced. “Hello, Penelope. This young man’s gone mad. I did my best to advise him, but he wouldn’t listen.

  Penelope smiled at Alfie. “Mad? Are you mad, darling? What have you done?”

  “Well…” Alfie began his story, and the horse, the dog and the mouse listened intently. When he got to the end, Norman shook his head.

  “Mad. Stark, staring mad. We’ll never ever see his brother again. It’s a fine sort of adventuring when you lose the hero!”

  His sister sighed. “You always think the worst, ducky. Bilinda never hurt us, did she? All she did was wander round singing sad songs. It was her father and brother who ruined our house.”

  Norman refused to be convinced. “When we’re still sitting here waiting in three days’ time, you’ll wish you’d listened to me.”

  “She’ll come back,” Alfie said. “I know she will.”

  Bowser sat up. “Back back back!” he barked, and Alfie gave him a hug.

  “Bowser knows I’m right,” he said.

  “Time will tell,” Norman said gloomily as he climbed into Alfie’s pocket. “I’m going to catch up on my sleep. Night, all.”

  Adeline blew down Alfie’s neck. “Let’s hope for the best, dear boy. In the meantime, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to have a little graze.”

  “Why don’t you have a sleep as well, Alfie?” Penelope suggested. “I’ll keep watch. I think you’re right – Bilinda will come back – but however fast she walks she’s unlikely to be here for quite a while.”

  Alfie nodded. “Thanks,” he said, and seconds later he was fast asleep.

  Chapter Nineteen

  THE HOURS WENT SLOWLY BY. Perce popped down a couple of times to report that Flugg was chewing a bone while Grindbone paced up and down waiting for the next prince to arrive. When Alfie woke and saw how far the sun had moved across the sky, he sat up with a jump. “How long have I slept?” he asked anxiously.

  “Not long, darling,” Penelope soothed. “Bilinda had to get back to her house, unlock the cage and let out all the princes, remember. And find those bottles of – was it snail potion?”

  “Poppy snail soup,” Alfie said. He got to his feet and stared up at the castle. He could see Perce on top of one of the flagpoles, but was he still keeping watch? He wasn’t moving. Alfie squinched his eyes and looked again. He was almost sure Perce had his head under his wing. Picking up a small pebble, Alfie threw it at the castle wall, but he couldn’t throw high enough to wake the sleeping bird.

  “What what what’s going on?” Bowser was sitting up, tail wagging.

  “I think Perce is asleep,” Alfie said. “And anything might be happening on the other side of the castle. But I can’t call him. The ogres would hear me!”

  Bowser pointed his nose at Alfie’s back pocket. “Yurt Yurt Yurt,” he said.

  “What about Yurt?” Mystified, Alfie put his hand in his pocket – and pulled out the catapult his brother had given him. “Bowser! You’re a genius!”

  Fitting a small stone to the catapult, he took careful aim at the tower below the flagpole. The stone flew up in a graceful arc and rattled against the wall. Perce woke with a start, looked wildly round, then froze … and Alfie knew he’d seen something unexpected. His heart began to race. Was it Bilinda and Magnifico? Or something much worse?

  The magpie was flying now, circling over the castle … and yes! He was headed towards Alfie. “Prince on approach!” he squawked. “Prince on approach!”

  Alfie stared. “A prince? Coming here?”

  “Riding to the castle. Big white horse, sparkly crown – VERY sparkly crown. It’s a proper prince!”

  “How far away is he?” Alfie asked.

  “I’ll go and see.” And Perce flew off again, leaving Alfie rubbing his nose as he wondered what to do.

  “I’ll have to warn the prince about the ogres,” he decided, and he looked at Adeline.

  “Would you mind giving me a ride?”

  “My pleasure, dear boy,” the horse said.

  As Alfie hurried towards her, there was another flurry of black and white. For a moment Alfie thought it was Perce again, but it was Kev – Kev looking bright of eye and delighted with his news. “Hero and companion five minutes away,” he reported. “So you’d best nip round to the front of the castle. Careful how you go – the big ogre’s not happy. He’s muttering and stamping and looking as black as thunder.”

  It took Alfie a moment to take in what Kev was saying; it was Penelope who asked, “So Bilinda came back with Magnifico? Has she got the sleeping potion?”

  Kev winked. “You should see what she’s brought back! There’s bags of gold! But yes, a bottle too. Strong stuff, that. She had to drag those princes out into the forest before they could even stand … and did they thank her? Not a bit of it. Scarpered as soon as their legs stopped wobbling. No manners. No manners at all. Now, are we on the move? Chop chop! No time to waste!”

  “But there’s another prince coming,” Alfie said. “I need to warn him!”

  “If you ask me, you should let him come.” Norman had reappeared on Alfie’s shoulder and was cleaning his whiskers. “The prince arrives, the ogres bop him on the head, they carry him away – and Bob’s your uncle! You’ve got a clear run at the castle and the princess!”

  “I can’t let that happen.” Alfie shook his head. “No … either we warn the prince, or we try the sleeping potion on the ogres.”

  “I’d go for the potion,” Kev advised. “It’ll take you ages to reach the prince. Besides, what if he doesn’t believe you?”

  Alfie made up his min
d. “The potion it is!”

  The party tiptoed back round the castle, Bowser once more leading the way. His ears were pricked for any unusual sounds, and twice he stopped to listen. Alfie, uncomfortably aware of his heart thumping, grew more and more nervous. When they finally crept through the bracken and he saw Bilinda sitting by the hollow tree, he gave a huge sigh of relief. The birdcage was by her side; the perch had gone, and been replaced by cushions … and Magnifico was lolling back licking crumbs off his fingers.

  “Maggers!” Alfie said, and he rushed forward. “Bilinda! I’m so pleased to see you!”

  The ogre smiled at him, but his brother did not. “Huh! I hope you’ve enjoyed lazing around here, Alfie, while we did all the work.” He gave a dramatic sigh. “Well, I suppose that’s what a hero has to do. Let six princes out of prison. Collect bottles of extremely nasty soup. Pack up loads of gold … and very heavy it was, too.”

  “Oh, chubbly wubbly!” Bilinda gave him a fond smile. “Is all for my precious chubbly wubbly!”

  Magnifico waved a lordly hand. “If you say so. Is there any more of that cake? Or a bun?”

  Bilinda leant into the hollow tree and pulled out a bag. She gave Magnifico a large iced bun, then brought out an evil-looking dark green bottle. “Here sleepy poppy snail soup.”

  “Thanks.” Alfie took the bottle cautiously, remembering the effect it had had on the princes. “They don’t need to drink it, do they? We can just crack it open somewhere nearby.”

  “Best on heads,” Bilinda said. “Drop on heads, sleep DEEP!”

  “So … won’t it work otherwise?” Alfie asked.

  The ogre girl looked doubtful. “Maybe little, little sleep. Ogres strong!”

  The bottle was heavy, and Alfie swung it carefully to and fro, feeling its weight. How could he drop it on the ogres’ heads? If he could get to the top of the tower it would be easy – but that was impossible. And it was much too heavy for Kev and Perce to carry, even had he been able to invent some kind of sling to put it in. Could he throw it?