The Adventures of Alfie Onion

by Vivian French

  Bilinda was watching him. “I can throw,” she said. “Bilinda very strong!”

  “Really?” Alfie’s hopes rose again. “You can throw that high?”

  There was a sudden interruption. “Akakakakak!” Kev was looking flustered. “Watch it! The ogre must have heard something … he’s sniffing around and he’s coming this way – and Flugg’s coming too!”

  “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

  Magnifico’s scream of terror echoed throughout the forest. Immediately Bilinda stood up. With one hand she thrust the hero’s cage into a hollow tree, and with the other she grasped the bottle. “Bilinda HATE Dadda!” she muttered, and she looked at Alfie. “Bilinda throw bottle.”

  “Just a minute!” Alfie was kneeling on the path, frantically looking for stones. If the sleeping potion was to drop on both ogres, the bottle had to be broken in mid-air – and he could only think of one way to do it. The catapult was in his hand … and yes! There was the perfect stone. The sound of heavy bodies crashing through the undergrowth was getting nearer and nearer, and he could already hear heavy breathing. “Ready!” he said, although his hands were shaking. “I’m ready, Bilinda!”

  “One – three – five – THROW!” Bilinda bellowed, and the bottle soared up into the air.

  Alfie drew back the elastic on his catapult, and squinted upwards. “Here goes!”

  Chapter Twenty

  IF BILINDA HADN’T SHOUTED, the potion would have missed its target. Hearing her, Grindbone and Flugg stopped – and at that exact moment Alfie’s stone hit the bottle flying over their heads. The CRACK! made them look up just as the torrent of grey-greenish slime poured down, covering their heads and shoulders and filling the air with a sickly sweet smell that made Alfie’s eyes stream and his throat ache.

  “AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!” bellowed Grindbone, and he thrashed his club wildly from side to side.

  “AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!” echoed Flugg, and he sank to his knees.

  “AAAAAAAaaaaghhh…” The large ogre’s roar grew fainter and fainter, gradually fading into gentle moaning. The moaning became a sigh and, finally, the sigh became a loud and purposeful snore. A moment later it was joined by a second snore, quieter, but just as steady.

  “Is sleep,” Bilinda remarked. She hauled the hero’s cage out of the tree, and opened the door. “There, little chubbly wubbly, Bilinda’s precious ickle pickle is safe. Go find your princess.”

  “Really?” Magnifico looked nervously round.

  “Yes. Is all safe.” The ogre’s voice shook a little as she helped him out. “And … and pretty princess is waiting. Bilinda wishes you good luck.” She heaved an enormous sigh.

  Magnifico stood on the forest floor, a half-eaten bun in one hand, a biscuit in the other. “Alfie, are you ready? Your hero is waiting for you!”

  Alfie didn’t answer. He was looking anxiously at Penelope, who was collapsed on Adeline’s saddle, fast asleep … or was she? Her breathing was very shallow.

  “I’ll take her a little further away, dear boy,” Adeline said, and sneezed. “That’s powerful stuff! But fresh air should do the trick. How’s Norman?”

  Norman was lying in Alfie’s pocket, as limp as his sister. Alfie placed him carefully beside Penelope, coughing as he did so.

  “Small lungs,” Adeline explained. “They’ll pick up, no worries. But I suggest you give those ogres a wide berth. There’s green smoke hanging in the air, and we don’t want you and the hero dozing off.”

  “Woof! Other way way way!” Bowser agreed.

  It was good advice, and Alfie took it. He led Magnifico away from the ogres as Bowser walked briskly in front, wagging his tail importantly.

  “Hey, Maggers!” Alfie gave his brother’s arm a cheerful shake. “Guess what! You’re on your way to kiss a princess … and find your Happily Ever After!”

  “H’mph.” The hero sounded less than enthusiastic. “I hope she’s worth the trouble. AND she’s got lots and lots of gold. AND she’s good at cooking.” He licked the last of the icing off the bun he was holding. “Bilinda’s a very good cook.”

  “Aren’t you excited?” Alfie asked. “I am!”

  “You haven’t got boots that pinch your toes,” Magnifico said. “I was in absolute agony until I was carried.” He gave Alfie a sharp look. “I hope you’re not expecting me to climb any stairs.”

  “I think there might be stairs,” Alfie said – and then he and Magnifico were out from the sheltering trees and walking towards the castle. And there, standing in front of them, was a snow-white horse. Its saddle and bridle were gold, hung with tinkling bells, and the rider was just as glorious. He was dressed in scarlet velvet from head to foot, there was a crown on his head, and he was holding a lute.

  “It’s a prince!” Alfie whispered. “He’s ever so grand.”

  As he and Magnifico came closer, hardly able to believe what was in front of them, the prince began to sing. “Oh lady fair, with golden hair, I come to sing you this – I’ve travelled far, but here I are, to wake you with a kiss…” He frowned. “No no. That’s not at all right.” Alfie coughed, and the prince dropped his lute in surprise. As Alfie ran to pick it up, he backed his horse away. “I say, are you a troll?”

  “No,” Alfie said. “I’m a boy. I’m Alfie Onion, and this is my brother Magnifico.”

  Magnifico, flakes of dried slime clinging to his hair and clothes, puffed out his chest. “That’s me! I’m the seventh son of a seventh son. I’m a hero!”

  “Really?” The prince raised his eyebrows. “That’s so amazing! I’m the seventh son of a seventh son too! Actually – I don’t suppose you’ve seen any of my brothers, have you? They’ve been gone for ages, and Mummy and Daddy are terribly worried. They went off one by one to kiss the princess, you see. When Jules didn’t come back, Boodles went to look for him – and kiss the princess of course. And then Boodles didn’t come back either, so Rufus went looking … and now all six are missing, so there’s only me left. Grandioso, seventh son of King Septimus. Poor Mummy’s beside herself!”

  “They were caught by the ogres, Grindbone and Flugg,” Alfie said. “And they were put in a cage.”

  “But I set them free.” Magnifico puffed out his chest a little more. “That’s what a hero does, you know. They were in a cage, but Bilin— I mean, I opened the locks and let them out.”

  “Oh, I say, how terribly kind of you.” The prince took the lute from Alfie, and swung himself off his horse. “I suppose they’ve wandered off home? Haw haw haw! They’ll probably be back before I am.” He moved towards Alfie and the hero, then changed his mind. “I say, have you chaps had an accident or something? If you don’t mind my saying so, you do whiff rather.”

  “We fell in the ogre’s rubbish pit. But I escaped,” Magnifico boasted.

  “I SAY! You’re a real hero, aren’t you?” The prince seemed genuinely impressed. “Are you going to have a shot at waking the princess? Kiss her, and all that?”

  “That’s what I’m here for.” Magnifico nodded. “I’m going to kiss the princess, and live Happily Ever After in Glorious Luxury.”

  “Haw haw haw!” The prince laughed again. “You’re a splendid chap! Must remember to tell old Jules that one. Glorious Luxury, eh? What’ll you do with the bats and rats and spiders?”

  Magnifico went pale. “Bats? Rats? Spiders?”

  “I say, didn’t you know? This old dump’s been more or less empty for years.” The prince was walking up the castle steps as he spoke, and he twisted the iron handle on the door. There was a creak as the door swung open, and Alfie gasped. In front of him was a huge hall that must once have been fine – but was now draped with cobwebs and thick with dust. There was no furniture apart from a couple of broken chairs, and no sign of human life.

  “See?” The prince waved a hand. “It’s been like this for ever.”

  Alfie looked at him in surprise. “Have you been here before?”

  “Not me.” Grandioso shook his head. “But when Daddy was a boy he managed to
cut down enough roses to reach a window and climb in. Didn’t manage to wake the princess, though. The windows have all been shuttered since then.”

  “But … but why didn’t the princess wake up?” A terrible thought came to Alfie. “There IS a princess, isn’t there?”

  “Oh yes.” The prince nodded. “Daddy says she’s poor as a church mouse. Not so much as a silver cup in her room.” Grandioso put his finger to his nose and winked. “Tell you a secret. Don’t think Daddy even tried to kiss her when he saw her! But you never know. Today might be your lucky day.”

  Magnifico was drooping more and more. “Poor as a church mouse? And a crumbling castle. What’s the point?”

  “Come on, Magnifico,” Alfie said encouragingly. “This is what we’ve come for! The journey, dealing with the ogres – it’ll all be wasted if you don’t climb those stairs.”

  Grandioso was shuffling his feet. “Actually, why don’t you have first go? Rather hoping she doesn’t wake up for me, if I’m honest. Got a gal back home – Princess Alice. Lovely, lovely gal. Don’t know what I’d do if this one woke up. Alice wouldn’t be pleased. Not at all.”

  “So why are you even trying?” Alfie asked.

  Grandioso looked astonished. “It’s what princes have to do! Part of our training. Find a castle, cut down the roses, kiss a princess … don’t you heroes do it too?”

  “I’m not a hero,” Alfie said. “But I promised Ma that Maggers would do everything a hero does in the fairy tales.”

  “Better get on with it then,” the prince said. “After you!”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  IT WAS A VERY LONG WAY to the top of the castle tower, and Magnifico complained at every step. When they finally reached a small wooden door and could go no further, he sank down with a loud groan. “This had better be worth it,” he said. “Open the door, Alfie. I’m not up to it.”

  The door was stiff, but Alfie noticed there were no cobwebs and the hinges were oiled. Strange, he thought. Very strange. Then the handle turned, and he found himself in a small whitewashed room with a bare wooden floor and a plain iron bedstead in the corner. The covers were spotlessly white, and so was the pillow … and lying in the bed, sleeping soundly, was a girl with tumbling brown curls.

  “Huh!” Magnifico had followed Alfie in. “I thought that mouse said she was pretty.”

  “She is,” Alfie said. He was gazing at the princess, and something curious was happening inside him. His heart was fluttering, and his legs had turned to jelly. “She’s very pretty. Very pretty indeed…”

  “She’s got a snub nose,” Magnifico said.

  “She’s plain.” Grandioso had joined them. “Not like my beautiful Alice. Are you going to kiss her?”

  “I suppose so.” Magnifico bent down and gave the princess a quick peck. She didn’t stir … but Alfie, who was looking intently at her face, wondered if he had imagined a faint twitch of her nose.

  “There!” Magnifico stood back. “She hasn’t woken up. What do we do now?”

  “Shall I have a try?” Grandioso stepped forward. “I’ve had a wheeze of an idea! If she wakes up for me – after all, I AM a prince as well as the seventh son of a seventh son – you can have her!”

  “Ah.” The hero considered this. “I suppose that might do. But would I get the castle? And the gold? If there is any, that is.”

  “Everything!” The prince put his hand to his heart. “I don’t need a penny.”

  “OK, then.” Magnifico stood back. “You try.”

  The prince swept a magnificent bow, then knelt beside the bed. “Wake, lovely princess, wake!”

  Nothing happened.

  “Phew!” Grandioso sounded profoundly relieved. Alfie, who had been holding his breath, was just as pleased. She might have a snub nose, but to him the princess looked perfect. He would have been horrified if she’d woken up for either Magnifico or Prince Grandioso. She deserved much, much better.

  “I’ll be off, then.” Magnifico was already limping to the door. “There’s nothing here – nothing at all. I don’t like this castle. It’s rubbish. I never want to live somewhere like this! And there’s no gold…” He turned to give Alfie a frosty glare. “Do you know what? I’m going home to Pigsticking Farm, and I’m going to take Bilinda with me. I never did want to be a hero. It was all Ma’s idea … she wanted me to do all the work so she could live in Glorious Luxury. Well, I’ll tell you something. Bilinda’s bags are full of gold – FULL of it! And it’s all for me! So I’m going to live like a king! And Bilinda’s going to cook me pies and puddings, and we’ll live Happily Ever After!” He paused in the doorway. “I’ll see you back at the farm, Alfie Onion. And don’t think I’m going to say you helped me. You were no help at all. Now, I’m going to slide down the stairs on my bottom. My boots are killing me…”

  “I say, wait for me.” Grandioso was in just as much of a hurry. “Race you to the door!”

  And they were gone.

  Alfie sighed. What would his mother say? Would she be horribly disappointed? He was afraid she would be. He gave the princess one last lingering look, and turned away.

  “Boy? Come back! It’s your turn!” Startled, Alfie swung round. The princess was sitting up and smiling at him. “Hurry up! Come and kiss me!”

  Hardly daring to believe his ears and eyes, Alfie walked slowly towards the bed. The princess lay back on her pillow and closed her eyes – and looked exactly as if she was deep in an enchanted sleep.

  “Here goes,” Alfie said to himself. He took a deep breath, and kissed the princess.

  It was as if the sun had suddenly burst through the ceiling. The little room was filled with colour, and the bed was heaped with velvet and silk and satin. The carpet was so thick and rich that Alfie’s feet sank deep in it, and damask curtains sprigged with pink and silver flowers hung at the windows.

  “Wow!” Alfie said. “WOW!”

  In a moment the princess was on her feet, and laughing. “At last!” she said. “At last! I’ve been waiting ages and ages and AGES for someone like you!” She made a face. “You see, I woke up after the hundred years all by myself … so after that, I had to pretend to be asleep. All those dreary princes – yuck! But the moment I saw you from my window I just knew you were the one!” She giggled. “I used to peep out between the shutters to see who was there. Ooof! Those horrible ogres! They gave me goose-pimples! Come on—” she seized Alfie’s hand— “Hurry up, we’ve got to go and tell Mother and Father!”

  Alfie hesitated. “Your mother and father? Are they far away?”

  “They’re downstairs, silly!” The princess laughed again. “Oh! This is ridiculous! I don’t even know your name.”

  “Erm … Alfie,” Alfie said, suddenly shy. “Alfie Onion.”

  “So I’ll be Princess Mary Onion?” This time the princess had to sit down, she was laughing so much. “Oh, I love it! And I love you, Alfie Onion!”

  “Mary,” Alfie said thoughtfully. “That’s a lovely name.” A blush swept from the roots of his hair to the tips of his toes. “And…” he swallowed hard, unable to speak.

  “Go on,” Mary encouraged. “Go on, Alfie Onion!”

  Alfie looked into her big brown eyes. “I love you too!”

  “Good,” Mary said. “It would be a terrible disappointment to me if you didn’t. Heroes always fall in love with the princess at first glance, you know.”

  “But I’m not a hero,” Alfie said. “I’m—”

  “A hero,” Mary said firmly. “Who got rid of the ogres? You did. I saw you!”

  “The ogres!” Alfie had forgotten about them. At some point they were sure to wake up … and what then? Would they attack the castle? “We need to get away from here,” he said urgently. “The ogres – they’re dangerous!”

  Mary was throwing back the shutters at one of the staircase windows. “I don’t think you need worry,” she said. “Come and see.”

  Alfie came to stand beside her, and the two of them looked out over the forest. From h
igh up in the tower they could see the ogres clearly … but what was happening to them? Hundreds of trolls were busying themselves about the fallen figures with ropes and levers. As Alfie and Mary watched, the ogres were bundled unceremoniously onto a rough cart pulled by ten of the biggest trolls, and a moment later they were being trundled away to the sound of wildly enthusiastic trollish cheering.

  “Where are they taking them?” Alfie wondered.

  The princess shrugged. “Who knows? Far, far away. They won’t ever come back. They’ve been defeated – they’ll be too ashamed.”

  Alfie was craning his neck to see what else was going on down below. “There’s Rootlie Toot. And there’s the little troll who talked to me when I was in the tree. Look! Down by Grindbone’s toes.”

  “That’s Nubbins,” Mary said. “I used to play with him when I was little.” She waved, and called, “Cooeeee! Nubbins, I can see you!”

  The troll looked up, and a wide grin spread across his face. “Princess find magic hero humbly body! Am thanking magic hero very greatly. Did tricksie ogres. Now us trolls have peace.”

  Mary gave a final wave, then turned to Alfie. “So – are you ready to meet Mother and Father?”

  “Oh…” Alfie looked down at his filthy clothes. “I don’t think they’ll like the look of me much.”

  “Rubbish,” Mary said. “It doesn’t matter what you look like. That’s why the enchantment made everything look so old and dirty and dusty. If people like your brother knew what the castle was really like, they’d be pounding on the door every second minute. Come and see.” She giggled again. “It’s pretty impressive!”

  Mary was right. When she and Alfie reached the great hall, Alfie stood spellbound in the doorway, quite unable to take it all in. There were wonderful tapestries covering the walls, glittering chandeliers hung above a long table piled high with golden plates and silver cups, and all around were chairs covered in the softest velvet. Servants were gliding to and fro, but as Mary pulled Alfie forward they stepped to one side and bowed and curtsied.