Worth The Fight (Hard To Love Book 1)

by T A. McKay

  ****

  My feet pound the ground as I pick up my speed again, trying to outrun my thoughts. I turn up the music, trying to focus on that and not the thoughts that have been running through my head since the shower incident. I’d hoped that going for a run would clear my head and I would be able to make some sense of what happened earlier.

  After coming in my pants like a teenage boy I left the gym, not even waiting long enough to clean up. I needed to get out before I embarrassed myself even more. It would take a lot for something to be more embarrassing, maybe if I was naked in public? Actually I think I would rather be naked in public than making a mess of my shorts while watching my boss fuck a woman. I hear my groan over the music as the memory assaults my brain. I pick up my pace yet again and concentrate on the burn in my muscles. I know I won’t last long at this speed but exhaustion might just be what I need. I turn along the path that leads down towards the lake. I’ve run here before, finding the peaceful route by accident one day I got lost. The quietness appealed to me but today it’s my enemy. There are no distractions, nothing to pull me out of my head.

  My lungs start to burn, making it hard to catch my breath and I know I need to stop, but I don’t. Instead I push myself a little further and a little harder. When I hit the softer dirt next to the lake I slow my pace down to a walk, trying to catch my breath before I pass out. I’ve pushed my body today and I'm surprised it hasn’t given out on me yet. I’ve done more today than I have in the last few months, and I know when I get up tomorrow I'm going to be in a lot of pain. Pain I can do though, pain I understand. I bend over and put my hands on my knees, taking deep breaths as a set of memories flood my mind. Not now, I have enough shit on my plate without going back there. It’s no good though, I’ve never been able to control the feelings that are caused by the memory of Austin. A pained sob leaves my body as my legs give out and I collapse to the ground. I grab at the dirt as I try to get control of myself. Eighteen months and it still hurts as much as it did that day. Pain rips through my heart and I feel myself struggling to breathe. I force myself to breathe through the heartache just like my therapist told me to. Once I feel like I have a little control I sit back on my knees and look out over the lake, letting the calmness of the water settle my frayed nerves. I breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth, letting my lungs fill with cleansing oxygen and exhaling the pain. I repeat the process, concentrating on the water and nothing else.

  I lean against the tree that I collapsed next to, lifting my head towards the sun. I close my eyes and let the heat flow through my body. It was warm day like this when my life changed forever.

  I’d been dating Austin for nearly a year and he was my everything. We were getting ready to spend the night in the best hotel we could afford, just the two of us. We lived with another four guys in a large house close to our collage, it wasn’t the most amazing place but it was cheap and had enough room for us all. Privacy was always an issue though and we never really got any time to ourselves, so tonight was going to be our chance. An entire night with just us and room service. There’s only one thing I need to do before we drive the twenty miles to the hotel. I need to win the money to pay for it. I’ve been fighting for about eight months, not legal fights, more the underground variety, and I’m good. Actually I’m better than good, and I’m hoping all the experience would get me into the official leagues. All I need is for someone to spot me and give me a chance.

  We’ve been watching the fights before mine, so the night goes quickly and before we know it it’s my fight next. It feels like any other night and I know I’m going home a winner. Just before entering the ring I pull Austin to me and kiss him passionately, letting him know that tonight is going to be one to remember.

  “Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be done in a few and then you’re all mine, baby. I can’t wait to get you alone, I'm gonna make you scream my name tonight.” I feel his chest shake against mine as he laughs and I can’t help but smile. He’s the most perfect man I’ve ever met. I lean in and claim his lips again as my name is shouted over the speakers.

  “I love you.” Little did I know that those would be the last words I would ever speak to him.

  I’m winning my fight after quickly gaining the upper hand against my opponent. I look over to where Austin is standing and I see someone shouting in his face. I stop instantly to try and work out what’s happening but it quickly becomes chaos. One minute they’re standing shouting at each other and the next the guy punches Austin and knocks him to the ground. I hear screaming but it’s only afterwards that I realize the sound has come from me. I try to move but my opponent decides that this is his time to gain some ground. I watch in horror as the man who punched Austin starts kicking his body. I turn and push the fighter away, needing to get out of the ring. I finally get out, but I’m met with a group of the attacker’s friends who push me back.

  “Fucking queer.” I hear them say, and I instantly know what this is about, they saw me kiss Austin. I keep forgetting that the world is filled with hate and that we can’t be open about our relationship like other people. I can’t believe I forgot my head and kissed him here, in front of everyone. I push against them but they refuse to let me past. Fists fly and I don’t even know if I’m hitting anyone in my desperation to get to Austin. I know that I feel an explosion of pain in my face at some point and can feel blood dripping from my mouth but I still can’t get to him. Time slows as I see his attacker pull his leg back. I push with all my might in another attempt to get to him, but I hear the crunch of the guy’s foot connecting with Austin’s face even above all the noise. Austin’s head flies back and the people directly surrounding him are covered in his blood as it explodes from his face. All feeling leaves my body and I crumble to my knees, the hands that have been holding me back suddenly vanishing.

  “No, no, no, no!” The words come out automatically as I crawl across the dirty floor towards Austin. The crowd thins as people realize what’s happened and don’t want to get involved. I should be angry with them, screaming at them for not helping but all I can think is it just makes it easier for me to get to him. I don’t even look to see where his attackers are, I know they won’t hang around and I don’t care. I just need to get to Austin. I pick him up gently and place his head on my outstretched legs, cradling him against me. I look down and I don’t recognise his face, blood and swelling covering everything that makes him mine. I can see droplets falling onto his face and that’s when I realize I’m crying. I can’t see his chest moving and I’m too scared to check to see if he’s breathing. I just need to hold him and not let him go. I’m still sitting holding him fifteen minutes later when the ambulance arrives, but I know he’s already gone.

  I reach up and brush the tears from my cheek. One day I will be able to remember Austin without that memory ripping my heart out. I want to remember the good times, like how it felt to be wrapped in his arms and how his laughter made my heart fill with love. Those are the memories that I need to hold on to but they get always get shoved to the side by the last time I held him, his blood covering both our bodies. I let out a deep breath and pick up a handful of little stones before throwing them into the lake. I watch the water rippling out from where the stones disappeared under the surface. It’s peaceful watching, to see that something as small and insignificant as a pebble can change something as big as a lake. That’s what Austin did, he was such a small part of my life but he changed everything and I wasn’t the same after he was gone.

  I drop the remaining stones when I hear my phone alerting me to a text through my headphones. Unhooking my phone from my armband, I open my messages and groan when I see that’s it’s from Zeke’s number. I wonder if this is him telling me that I'm fired, that I ruined everything when I let my anger take control. I reluctantly open it and I’m shocked when I read what he’s sent.

  What's happening tomorrow? I promise not to be late.

  I let a sudden laugh out, probably scaring the wildlife that’s surrou
nding me. Of all the messages I expected him to write, this was not one of them. Every time I think I know what’s happening, Zeke throws me for a loop. I smile, knowing that life will never be boring while I work with him, but at least I know I still have a job.

  Zeke

  Today has been one epic fuck up after another. Every time something happened I thought the day couldn’t get any worse, but it was like the universe wanted to prove me wrong. Bringing home the random hookup was mistake number one and I paid for that when I got home after training. Apparently she wasn’t too happy with the way we left things and threw a rock through my front window. Well, I'm not a hundred percent certain it was her, but she’s the only person I pissed off today that knows where I live.

  Now I'm sitting with a coffee on my back step thinking about all my other fuck ups from today. I would prefer a beer but I think that would be a very bad idea at the moment. There’s a certain coach who would rip me a new one if he knew I had even thought about having a drink. With that simple thought, I’m brought back to the biggest mistake of the day, and the one I don’t know how to deal with. I thought our altercation in the ring was bad enough, but getting hard when my body was flush with Bryce’s wasn’t where I saw the fight going. Add to that what happened in the changing room, and it cemented it into as confusing as fuck. I don’t know why I watched him while I ploughed into Asha’s body, and I certainly don’t know why I was struggling to come until he came into the room, or why I kept my eyes on him as I filled her body with my release? Bryce staring at me pushed me over the edge into the best orgasm I’ve ever had. When he came, the sound he made as he threw his head back was the sexiest thing I’ve ever fucking heard in my life. That takes a lot for me to admit, but there is no mistaking how it made me feel, even though I know it shouldn’t. I always knew I was different, that what I felt when I was younger wasn’t the same as all my friends, but when I spoke to my dad about it, he told me I was confused and I needed to find a girl. According to him, once I had been with one I would know what I was meant to feel. Now I'm really confused, and I can’t help wondering. Is there more to what I'm feeling for Bryce?

  Instead of analysing the feelings that are confusing me, I grab my cell from my pocket. I didn’t get a chance to speak to him after Asha left, he had run away before I had even turned off the shower. I don’t know if he's going to come back tomorrow, but I need him to. I need to find out what’s happening to me. Throwing caution to the wind, I text Bryce and pray that he’ll reply.

  What’s happening tomorrow? I promise not to be late.

  I stare at my phone while I drink my coffee. For all I know he could be half way back to England by now, and who would blame him? I'm not the easiest guy to get along with on with on a normal day, so add in how fucking confused I'm feeling and I know I’ve been a dick to him. I can’t help it, pushing people away before they see the real me is a defense mechanism. I need them to leave before they see that I'm not as happy as I make out I am. My phone vibrates in my hand and I read a reply from Bryce.

  Be in the gym by 10. If you’re hung over you will be running again.

  I feel a smile tug at my lips, the feeling of relief is more than I imagined. I’ll see him tomorrow, even though I'm not sure what the fuck will happen when I get there.

  Chapter Seven

  Zeke

  I make sure I arrive well before ten the next morning, determined to get on Bryce’s good side from the get go. My efforts weren’t in vain and we’ve had a good day. I feel that we’re getting back on track together but we haven’t spoken about what happened yesterday. I don’t know if leaving it hanging over our heads is a good thing, but there’s been no opportunity to talk. Where yesterday there was no one here, today it feels like everyone who has ever trained here has decided to come at the same time. Even Coach decided that he needed a sit down with me and Bryce to discuss our game plan and for a guy that doesn’t want to train me, he had a lot of suggestions.

  Now I'm standing in the shower with memories of the last time I was in here taking up residence in my head. I can clearly visualize how Bryce had looked when he orgasmed and it’s making me hard. Shit, I can’t be getting hard when it’s so busy in here. Every shower is taken except the one next to me, and at the moment I'm thankful for that. Or I am until I see Bryce walking into the room with a towel over his shoulder. He stops walking when his eyes settle on the empty cubicle and me. Well this is awkward. I can’t leave now, not without making things obvious. I close my eyes and turn away from him, hoping he will just act like nothing is weird. I make sure I keep my head under the water until I hear his shower turn on, only then do I risk looking over at him. His head is leaning forward until his chin is resting on his chest, letting the hot water hit his shoulders and neck.

  “Everything okay? I saw you roll your neck a lot today.” What the fuck? Why not just admit that I couldn’t take my eyes off him the whole damn day. I'm meant to play the friend card until I understand what’s happening with me.

  “I think I overdid it yesterday. It’s been so long since I had a good workout, my body can’t cope with too much anymore. I’m going soft.” He laughs and rubs over his stomach. I can’t help but let my eyes move down his body, watching as his hands rubs over his cut abs and down towards that perfect fucking V of his. If he's thinks there’s anything other than hard muscle on him he’s clearly delusional. I haven’t seen anyone more built than him and, as much as I don’t want to admit it, his body turns me on. I feel myself harden in agreement, my dick trying to tell him just how perfect he is.

  When I stay quiet he looks over to me, his eyes roaming down over my body. I see color flushing his cheeks when he sees me watching him and he quickly turns away to grab his body wash. He lathers the soap in his hands before rubbing over himself, his hands moving easily over his slippery skin. I try not to watch, there are too many men in here to witness me staring openly at a naked guy, but it’s like my eyes are magnets and his body is made of iron. I start to rub over my own body and when my hands move south, the feel of my hand on my dick almost has me groaning out loud. I feel more turned on now watching Bryce rub his body, than I did when I was inside Asha. There is something wrong with me, I shouldn’t be reacting to him like this, this isn’t the way I should be feeling.

  There have been other men in the past that I have found attractive, even though I wouldn’t admit it, but none that have made me react like this. I never thought much about those passing fancies because, as I keep telling myself, I'm not gay. But with Bryce, this attraction when he's near just feels natural, primal even. I need to either stop all these thoughts, block them out like I always have, or I need to allow myself to feel everything, see where it leads. I don’t know which scares me the most, but I know I'm going to need to make a decision really soon.

  I'm pulled from my thoughts when a rolled up bandage comes flying across the changing room and hits me on the side of the head. I turn and see Jason standing staring at me.

  “What?” As soon as he starts talking I wish I hadn’t opened my mouth.

  “Look man, I know you like pussy. We’re all jealous of the women you get, but who the fuck are you thinking about now? Who could possibly be hot enough to have you jacking off in front off all of us?” I look down and find my hand wrapped around my dick as it continues to rub from root to base. I instantly drop it but I can’t help the redness that spreads across my cheeks. Shit. Normally I would give some lame answer and just get on with my shower without worrying about what these jackasses think of me, but knowing that Bryce is standing next to me has me struggling. I look at him out of the corner of my eye and see that his cheeks are just as flushed as mine and I wonder if he's remembering yesterday. Maybe he thinks I'm thinking of Asha.

  “Wouldn’t you like to know? You never know, Jason, maybe it was you.” I wink at him before turning away and hiding under the water. I hear Jason laugh behind me and I'm thankful that I got away with that.

  “Yeah, you wish I wanted your ass
. Anyway I wanted to check you were hitting Joe’s with us tonight. You in?” After going out earlier in the week I could really do with a night in, but I never turn down a night with the guys. I turn and look over my shoulder at him.

  “Bryce is invited, right?” The words are out without even checking to see if he wants to go. We’re finally getting along and I want to use the opportunity to spend some time with him, get to know him better.

  “Of course, see you at nine.” He salutes me before leaving the changing room and I turn to look at Bryce. He smiles at me and I feel my heart stutter in my chest. Shit, I need to get myself under control.

  “I'm not gonna go out tonight. I'm still trying to recover from the other night.” He lifts his eyebrows at me and I know exactly what he's talking about.

  “How about I promise not to drink and to also not be a dick?” He laughs and it makes me smile.

  “Fine. But I swear if there is any finger fucking it better be with me.” And just like that I'm hard again, visions of my fingers on his body causing lust to race through my veins.

  ****

  I'm sitting in a corner booth in Joe’s watching the front door but trying not to make it obvious I am. Bryce knew we were aiming to get here for nine and he said he’d be here then. I look down at my watch and see that it’s just turned nine-thirty. He's late and I'm starting to get impatient, worrying he's changed his mind about coming. I grab the glass of water in front of me and take a drink to distract myself, but the door opens again and my eyes zero in on it instantly. I feel my body relax when I see Bryce walking through it. He looks around the bar, presumably for us, and I wave my hand at him, making sure he doesn’t miss us. Fucking hell, Zeke, get a grip. I'm acting like lovesick ass. Joe’s isn’t a big bar, I'm pretty sure he could have easily found the large group of very noisy guys playing pool.