Worth The Fight (Hard To Love Book 1)

by T A. McKay

  I can feel my heart swell as emotions run through me. I can feel what he's trying to tell me that I'm important to him. I run my hands down his back, pressing deep into his tense muscles until I reach the waistband of his boxers. I run my fingers under the elastic before slipping my hand inside, using my wrists to take the material with me. I push them down over his body, moving my hips away from him for a moment so they can fall to the floor. I press my fingers into his arse cheeks, pulling him into me so our dicks are finally touching skin to skin. Its Zeke’s turn to push against me and forces me to move backwards until my legs connect with the bed. My knees buckle and I fall onto the mattress.

  Zeke stares down at me, the hunger in his eyes making it look like he wants to devour me whole. A few seconds later that’s exactly what he does. With no hesitation he leans over and takes me deep into his mouth. I cry out as my back arches of the bed. The feel of his warm mouth and the pressure of his tongue are taking me to the point of exploding, and as much as I want to come down his throat I want to feel him inside me more. I reach down and grab him by the hair, pulling him up my body until his lips are on mine again. I roll us over, pushing us up on the bed until we’re in the centre of it. I kiss all over him, from his lips to his jaw, his neck and down over his chest until I reach his weeping dick. I flick my tongue over his tip, collecting the precum there, letting it coat my tongue while my hand works over him from base to tip. I close my eyes, tasting him and listening to his heavy breathing. I wonder if it’s possible to come without any physical stimulation or attention to my dick, because I'm pretty sure it’s about to happen.

  “Bryce, I need you.” I open my eyes and look up in to Zeke’s face to see that him looking desperate. A shiver of pride rushes through my body with the knowledge that I can still make him feel like this. Even though he ran away from me, I know that I still affect him and that he still needs me as much as I need him. I lean over and open the drawer next to his bed, grabbing the condoms and lube. I would make him wait and make him suffer a little bit more but I need him inside me. I need that electric connection of our bodies coming together. I lean back on my knees and rip open the condom packet. I place the condom on Zeke’s tip, ready to roll it down on him in preparation but his hand on mine stops me. I look up, worried that he’s changed his mind and doesn’t want me anymore.

  “I need you. I want to feel you inside me.” His voice is soft but I can feel the certainty behind the words. I’ve never been inside Zeke and nerves suddenly attack me. I want this so badly, my throbbing dick is evidence to that, but I don’t want him to feel like he has to do this. I'm more than happy to have him top me, I get as much pleasure from that as he does.

  “You don’t have to, Zeke.” He smiles at me, the smile that shows his dimple and melts my heart.

  “I know I don’t have to, I want to. I need to feel you inside me, Bryce. Please.” I take a deep breath to try and calm myself down. The thought of being inside Zeke is almost too much, but I must be taking too long because he moves my hand and places the condom over my straining hard on. Zeke rolls the condom over me before grabbing lube and dripping it on me. He rubs it into my length and I let out a groan from deep in my chest. Taking my hand he pours some lube onto my finger before lying back and opening his legs for me, pulling his legs towards his chest. My eyes focus on the tight hole that has come into view, it’s so fucking sexy seeing Zeke like this. My breath comes out on a stutter and I feel like I might have a heart attack any minute. The rate my heart is beating can’t be healthy. I reach out, rubbing my lubed fingers over his puckered hole, making his body jump. I look up at him, needing to make sure that he’s still on board with this. I don’t want to do anything he isn’t comfortable with.

  “I'm fine, it was cold.” He laughs but it sounds breathy. I need to distract him until he relaxes, it’s the only way I'm going to be able to stretch him without hurting him. I lean down and take his dick into my mouth, working my tongue around his tip. With a groan I feel Zeke’s body instantly relax and I go back to massaging his rim with my finger. I press against him and when I don’t feel him fighting against the pressure I push the tip of my finger in. I take him deeper into my throat at the same time and he yells as the dual pleasure becomes too much for him. When his hands grab my hair I move back off him and look up into his eyes. He watches me lick his erection while my finger fucks his arse. I slip a second finger in and watch his face for any signs of pain, but all I see is fire burning in his eyes. He pulls my hair until his dick leaves my mouth and bounces against his stomach.

  “I need you inside me. Now.” I remove my finger from his body, grab myself and press my head against his tight hole.

  “Are you sure?” I feel his body pushing back against me, my dick popping through the ring of resistance until his body is hugging me. I stop and breathe quickly as I try to resist the urge to pound into his body. He's far too tight to do that, and truthfully I would only last one thrust. I move gently, easing myself in until I am fully inside him. I study his face the entire time for signs that he isn’t enjoying this but all I see is pleasure. I still, letting his body adjust to me being there but he doesn’t lose any of the tightness. I am only going to last a couple more thrusts if his muscles don’t relax.

  Movement catches my eye and I look down to see Zeke’s hand caress his weeping dick. The sight makes me twitch inside him and he groans which causes him to tighten around me even more. I honestly didn’t think that would be possible.

  “Keep doing that, Zeke. I won’t last long when I start moving so I need you to come.” I watch his eyes as they darken and it’s such a fucking turn on. Everything about this man I'm inside turns me on. When I feel his body start to tense I move, I might last long enough to come with him. I press my hands on the back of Zeke’s knees and press them closer to his chest. Pulling out of him, I leave barely an inch inside before pushing back in gently. When I try to ease out of him, it’s like his body is trying to suck me back in, like it doesn’t want me to leave. I increase the power behind my thrusts, my balls crashing onto his arse as I pound into him and the sound adds to the thrill of what’s happening. Knowing that I'm not being gentle but he’s taking everything I give him. I feel the tingling build at the base of my spine as my orgasm makes itself known. I push down on Zeke’s legs again, changing my angle and hitting that special place inside him every time I thrust. He cries out and I watch as the first spurts of his orgasm start to coat his stomach. That’s all it takes for the tingling sensation in my spine to spread through my balls, pulling them into my body as I come hard. I collapse onto his body, burying my face into his neck as I enjoy the last few moments of one of the best orgasms I've ever had.

  I feel his hand rubbing up and down my back which makes me want to lie here forever with him, but with his cum cooling between us and my dick shrinking in his arse, I know I have to move. I hold onto the end of the condom as I pull out of him, feeling lost the second I leave him. I'm hoping that Zeke’s groan is for the same reason and not that I hurt him too much. I go to the bathroom to dispose of the condom and grab a wet sponge. I quickly return to the bedroom and clean him up. When I'm done I move to put my boxers on but Zeke grabs my hand and tugs on it until I look at him.

  “Please stay. Just for a little while. I think we need to talk.” I sigh, knowing he's right. I climb back into the bed and settle down next to Zeke without touching him. I know that if I do, there will be no talking, he does something to my concentration.

  “Why did you leave?” I turn my head to look at him and see a sad expression on his face.

  “I couldn’t do it anymore. I can’t watch you with Asha knowing that I can’t have you. You're getting married, Zeke. Do you not understand how much that crushes me?” He looks down, his cheeks coloring as he listens to me.

  “You just left, you didn’t tell me you were going. Coach had to be the one to tell me, that hurt, babe.” The use of his pet name for me pulls at my heart and makes me want to tell him that he can hav
e me, even if I'll be a secret all my life. No, I refuse to be that guy, I deserve better than that.

  “It wouldn’t have made any difference if I’d told you myself, I was still leaving. I won’t be your dirty little secret. You can’t be married and have a life with her while I wait around for you to throw me a scrap of attention.” Being honest with him is the only way to go now. I know that tonight won’t change anything between us, but hopefully if we clear the air I will be able to move on and let my heart recover a little. I know I will never love anyone the way I love Zeke, but I need to move on and try to make the most of my life.

  “Someone knew.” I look at him and I can feel how wide my eyes are. Someone knew. Oh my god, this can’t be happening. I hear the laughter in his voice as he speaks again. “Coach caught us one night, in the locker room. I'm pretty sure he went home and bleached his eyes. But I told him about us, so you aren’t a secret.” Shit, I can’t believe we were seen. I would worry more about it, but my need for his answer to my next question wins out.

  “Will you tell anyone else? Your friends? Will you leave Asha for me?” He looks down and I don’t need him to say the words. If he can’t meet my eyes then I know that tonight means more to me than it does to him.

  “I'm sorry, Bryce. I just can’t.” His voice sounds softer and I see his eyes droop as sleep wins the fight with him. “I wish I could be the man you deserve, but I’m not him.” I watch as he drifts off, and just before he slips completely under he says four simple words. Words that make a sob catch in my throat and tears flood my eyes.

  “I love you, Bryce.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Zeke

  I stretch my body out when I wake up the next morning, feeling better than I should the day after a fight. My body is usually tight and sore, but between a half-assed opponent and the amazing night with Bryce, I feel really fucking good. The sudden thought of Bryce has me opening my eyes and sitting up instantly. I look around for him but all I can see is a head shaped dent in the pillow next to me, the only evidence that he was here at all last night. My heart drops knowing that he's gone, he's run away this time and now I understand how fucking much it hurts to be left.

  I collapse back onto the bed, suddenly not feeling as good as I did when I opened my eyes. I would think last night hadn’t actually happened but I have a comfortable ache in my ass, proving that Bryce has been there. The thought of why my ass aches brings a smile to my face, knowing that I shared something so special with him, and even though I don’t plan on doing it with anyone else I enjoyed it more than I thought possible. The feeling of him inside my body made me feel complete, I didn’t think it was possible for sex to be any better than it was already with Bryce, but last night proved me wrong. I have never experienced a feeling like that before and I wish it was something I could feel for the rest of my life. I don’t know what this means for who I am, what label I'm meant to give myself and it’s confusing. When I was younger I thought I was gay, but I'm pretty sure that gay men don’t sleep with women. I used to get enjoyment out of them, the feeling of their soft bodies and wet pussies something I couldn’t get enough of, but now? Now I can only think of Bryce. Does that make me gay, or bisexual, or just really fucking confused?

  My alarm goes off next to me, making me groan. I need to get up and meet with Asha, maybe finally grow a pair of balls and call this whole thing off. If last night showed me one thing it’s that I can’t let this go on when I know that I will never love her. There is only one person in this world that has my heart and nothing will ever change that. I’d called her before Bryce came over and asked her to over because we needed to talk. I'm sure she knows what’s happening, she must be able to see clearly that I'm not invested in this relationship. Something happened between us the night that Bryce left and whilst I still don’t remember anything, I know that we haven’t had sex since then and I’ve barely seen her. So today I will end this farce and beg for her forgiveness. I hope that she understands, and that maybe one day she can forgive me. God I hope she doesn’t cry, I don’t do crying women.

  ****

  I take a deep breath before opening the door to Asha. She looks amazing today, her tight little body is dressed a form fitting dress. Normally when she would wear something like this I would have dragged her straight to my bedroom and buried myself in her body. Not today though, today I can appreciate how she looks but it does nothing for me. It also sparks a little panic inside me when I wonder what’s happening to me. Fuck. If I'm not turned on by Asha and the only guy that wakes my cock up is Bryce, does that mean I'm never going to have sex again? A cough brings me back to the situation at hand, and I make a note to return to this thought, it’s something I need to figure out later.

  I stand back from the door and motion for her to come in. She walks slowly past me and I'm not sure how to act, normally I would kiss her but I think that for the purpose of today’s visit it would be inappropriate. I close the door behind her and walk towards the kitchen, hoping she’ll follow me.

  “Want a coffee?” I walk over and turn on the kettle without waiting for a response. I need something to distract me, and I take a few moments to make us both a cup, anything to stop me from having to look at her.

  All too soon I have to turn and face her as I carry both cups over to the table where she's sitting.

  “So how long are we going to avoid this conversation?” Asha picks up her cup and takes a little sip of the hot coffee. I follow her lead, taking a mouthful to give me a few more seconds to work out what I'm going to say.

  “I just don’t know how to start.” I'm thinking that being truthful with her is the best way to go. I need to control my bullshit and just tell her how I'm feeling and what I've done.

  “Why don’t we start this with the fact that you're engaged to me but you are in love with Bryce?” The cup stops half way to my mouth and I look at her over the top of it in shock. I expect to see anger or hurt, what I'm not expecting is to see her smiling.

  “But … how?” She reaches over and takes my hand in hers, squeezing it gently. I look at our joined hands and notice that she isn’t wearing her engagement ring. Thinking about it, I honestly can’t remember the last time I saw her with it on. The realization makes me feel even worse. How long has she known and why hasn’t she called me out on it before? Why isn’t she screaming at me and throwing the coffee in my face?

  “You talk a lot when you're drunk. I have to admit, I'm surprised I didn’t see it before. Once you told me you missed him I could see it all so clearly, the way you used to look at him, the way your moods were always dependent on his, all those little looks between the two of you.” She squeezes my hand again but I'm not sure what to say to her. I think I'm in shock that I confessed my feelings when I was drunk. Her smile fades a little and I'm scared what she's going to say next. “I know I've been distant lately but I needed to step away. I wanted you to think about what you want, Zeke. I don’t know why you asked me to marry you when you’re in love with someone else.” I go to protest but she holds up her hand, stopping me before I lie to her some more. “If you do love me, it’s only as a friend and it’s okay. I understand.” I take a deep breath, now is the time to tell her everything and completely clear the air between us. The fact that she isn’t angry shocks me a little and I'm hoping that she will still feel that way when I finish.

  “I'm not gay. God, even saying it sounds so fucking lame. It’s not that I'm not gay, it’s that I can’t be gay. I'm gay … holy fuck … I'm gay.” The words sound foreign to me but they don’t sound wrong. They don’t make me panic or make my heart race like I thought they would.

  “Then why are you pretending to love me? If you love Bryce then you should be with him.” I expect her to look hurt but again, I'm surprised when all I see is confusion on her face.

  “How can I be with him? I can’t be gay and still fight. I had to make a choice and he knew that we couldn’t be more than what we were.” Now I see some anger flashing in her eyes, b
ut I'm not sure what’s caused it.

  “Wow. That’s pretty fucking cold, even for you, Zeke. That guy is in love with you and you with him, and you found it so easy to just dump him when he wasn’t any use to you anymore. I always thought you were a decent guy, but now I'm beginning to think that you’re an asshole.” I stand and start pacing across the kitchen floor. I know what she’s saying is the truth, I haven’t handled this situation well at all, but I'm dealing with a lot. I thought I was doing the right thing. My career is important to me, this fight is the thing I've been concentrating on for the last few years. I can’t give that up for love and no one would expect me to.

  “It’s not like that. You don’t understand. I can’t come out as gay in this sport, no one would fight me. I would be shunned. This is the only thing I've ever dreamt about, the only thing I've wanted to do with my life. Are you telling me you would give up your dream for love?” I grab my hair as frustration takes over.

  “That’s the thing, Zeke. Being with the person you love is not giving up something, it’s gaining everything. To spend your life with someone knowing that they know you inside and out, knowing that they will be with you no matter what, that’s what’s important. That’s the prize right there.” I stop pacing and turn to look at her. I don’t understand why she’s being like this. Why is she pushing me towards Bryce, and why isn’t she being a bitch after what I did to her?