The Darker Side of Mummy Misfit #2

by Amanda Egan

  I have the strength of character to deal with the mums at school and to do my fundraising job well.

  Not much to ask, surely?

  PM

  I was pouring over notes for future fundraising suggestions for next week’s meeting when Max came running into the kitchen with a letter he’d found in his book bag.

  “Mummy, I forgot to tell you. We got a new girl in our class called Betsy and she’s really nice. Look here’s her address and phone number to add to our list.”

  Remembered that Jenny had mentioned the new addition so decided to do the decent thing and give the mum a welcome call. Always think it must be so hard joining a school mid-year (it was hard enough for me at the start of our year when you’d expect everyone to be on equal footing) and I doubted anyone else had gone out of their way to take her under their wing.

  Rachel was delighted to hear from me and she sounded really grateful.

  “I don’t think I’ve made the best impression so far. We got up late on the first day so I was doing a great Worzle Gummidge impersonation for drop off and then, when I collected Betsy yesterday, I made the mistake of revealing that I’m her step-mum. The group I was talking to went deadly silent as if I’d announced I was on the prowl for kids to groom. I didn’t realise there was such a stigma attached to it.”

  Talked her through the Anti-Meemie guidelines and told her that the Manor House mummies didn’t approve of anyone who wasn’t exactly like them - bitchy, loaded, white, brash, selfish and opinionated.

  “It’s called PLU apparently,” I added. “’People Like Us’. But if you don’t want to be a PLU you can always hook up with us. We’re the normal mummies - well, we think we are - at least we keep one another sane.”

  She laughed and said that sounded like a great idea. “When’s your next meeting then? And does it involve booze because I’ve only been a Manor House mummy for two days and it’s driving me to drink already.”

  Can’t wait to introduce her to Fenella and Patience - our little band is growing.

  Friday 9th January

  My mobile rang this morning and I had a Lou moment when I saw that the school was calling. What was wrong with Max? Had he had an accident? Did he have a temperature?

  Was relieved in more ways than one to hear that it was Dan.

  Nothing important really.

  I’m going for a drink with him on Monday night.

  Just to discuss fundraising.

  He’s got a few ideas.

  Saturday 10th January

  Booked a hair appointment for this morning. Well, I’d been meaning to get round to it again anyway and decided now was as good a time as any. Ned could spend the morning looking after Max and I might nip into town and treat myself to some new clothes while the sales are still on.

  Nothing to do with my drink with Dan of course. I’m a married woman and he’s a teacher at my son’s school.

  All totally above board.

  So why have I asked Ned to be home on time on Monday because I’m going out with the girls?

  PM

  Another boring Saturday night in with Ned snoring in front of the TV and me organising my notes.

  I can remember when our weekends would be filled with laughter and silly games - we were never at a loss for something to do or to say to one another.

  And now we’ve got money and could be going out and doing fun things, neither of us feels like it.

  I wonder if Ned feels as sad as I do?

  Left him sleeping in front of ‘Jackass’ and went to bed alone.

  Sunday 11th January

  Mum called to say that she and Bert have finally resolved their differences. She doesn’t need to deny him any more because he’s been told not to ask!

  Simples! My mother’s way or no way. Poor Bert!

  If he leaves her because he’s not getting any, I wouldn’t blame him.

  Then again, I’m not really in a position to talk, am I?

  PM

  Spent a great family afternoon walking the dogs on the common and having a cosy pub lunch.

  Max went over to say hello to a friend from his class and Ned and I were alone for a minute. He took my hand and leant over. “We’re OK, aren’t we Lib? Us? We’re OK?”

  I was just about to answer him when, out of the corner of my eye, I was sure I saw Pritesh and Patience leaving the pub hand in hand.

  Monday 12th January

  So of course, being the nosey cow I am, I took Patience aside at school drop off and asked her if she had anything to tell me.

  She went a little bit giggly and said, “I don’t know what you mean. Anything to tell you about what?”

  Saw Fenella struggling to get her ever-widening frame out of the car to take Todd to the gate, so I told Patience to stay exactly where she was and went over to help Fenella.

  “Ooh, thanks Lib. Once I get the bump out from behind the steering wheel, I’m too knackered to manoeuvre it back in again.”

  “I’ll take Todd into school for you but stay here,” I told her. “We have an emergency meeting with Patience - my gossip radar is on high-alert.” I started to cross the road to take Todd in to school and I shouted back “But make sure she doesn’t move from there, I want the dirt dished.”

  “Move from where?” Fenella shouted back.

  And I looked to the spot where I’d left Patience, only to find she’d gone.

  And Pritesh’s flashy BMW was disappearing around the corner.

  PM

  Ended up having a quick coffee with Fenella and Rachel and the three of us got on like a house on fire. She’s definitely not a Meemie - she’s totally grounded and her head isn’t up her own arse.

  Of course I couldn’t bring up the subject of Patience and Pritesh because it wouldn’t mean anything to Rachel and it would be unfair on Patience to start unfounded rumours.

  Can’t wait to find out what’s going on because, when I think about it, they actually make quite a good couple.

  Out for strictly platonic and professional drink with Dan tonight, so I won’t have time to write. I’ll probably have to come home and update lots of files and amend notes for our meeting tomorrow.

  In fact, I may not have time to write for a few days. Busy, busy!

  Tuesday 13th January

  CCL

  ~ ~ ~ ~

  Wednesday 14th January

  ~ ~ ~ ~

  Thursday 15th January

  ~ ~ ~ ~

  Friday 16th January

  I guess my last entry was a bit sneaky. I didn’t know I was going to be busy but I just kind of had the feeling I wouldn’t want to be putting events down on paper until they were clear in my head. Anyway, it’s my diary so surely I can do what the hell I like!

  If I choose not to write, it’s not like I’ve got something to hide, is it? This is just a daft way of keeping a record of my thoughts and if I decide not to mention my drink with Dan, who’s going to question me?

  What’s it got to do with anyone else?

  Nothing to tell anyway. Nope, nothing to see here folks.

  Saturday 17th January

  Ned took Max swimming this morning and I didn’t feel like going so I decided to stay home and have a think.

  I haven’t been entirely honest. In fact I’ve been lying - to myself and within these pages.

  Shit I hope nobody ever reads this because I’ve really stuffed up and the burden is killing me so I have to off-load.

  My purely professional drink wasn’t quite as it was originally portrayed. Dan really likes me and … oh, God, I can’t believe I’m about to write this but … I like him too.

  We met at a pub where we figured we wouldn’t see anyone we knew - nuff said, really - and we just instantly hit it off.

  I know I should be questioning why he’s asking a married woman out for a drink when we had no intention of discussing school issues but I’m not.

  It just felt so good to be away from all the home crap and feel like a desirable woman again. Not someb
ody’s wife or mum or the owner of a stupid body that failed me - just an attractive woman in the company of a very yummy man.

  OK, OK I never said it was right but I can only say how I feel.

  And that’s guilty.

  Sunday 18th January

  Right, I have to get this straight in my head. I’m not an adulteress. I’ve not made a cuckold of my husband. I’ve done nothing wrong.

  Kept repeating this mantra to myself all through lunch with F&J and at one point Fenella asked me if I was OK.

  Told her I was fine, just a bit tired.

  And I am fine - one drink with a man does not an affair make.

  Well, it was actually two drinks really because we went out after our CCL meeting on Tuesday as well.

  But I didn’t mention that, did I?

  Monday 19th January

  Finally managed to organise an Anti-Meemie lunch so that Patience could meet Rachel.

  Fenella suggested the all-you-can-eat Indian again but after our last ‘windy’ experience there I talked her out of it - don’t want her going into premature labour after a double helping of vindaloo.

  So we decided on a return visit to the scene of the Bogey Monster incident and were greeted with open arms and a bottle of wine on the house.

  Rachel thought this was very impressive. “Wow, your little group must be well respected about town. What did you do to deserve this?”

  Laughed and told her it was all down to the gobby Fenella and then went on to fill her and Patience in on our last contretemps.

  “All I’m saying is, if you want something sorted, go to Buddha Belly here and it will be dealt with in a flash,” I added.

  “It’s true,” Fenella said through a mouthful of breadsticks. “If I can’t do it with my acerbic wit, I’ll sit on them. Anyone you want taken out, Rachel?”

  “Well if the mummies carry on treating me like a child abductor, I just might take you up on it,” Rachel told her. “I never knew I’d be taken for the stereotypical wicked step-mother. I love Betsy as if she were my own. I’ve known her all her life and I’m being made to feel like a freak.”

  Patience filled our glasses and proposed a toast. “To us! Let’s face it, we’re all considered to be on the outside in one way or another. So it’s just as well we’re in good company. Do you know, one of Gestapo’s side-kicks came up to me today and spoke very, very slowly as if I couldn’t understand English. If it hadn’t been so insulting, it would have been hilarious.”

  Thought Patience was looking particularly glowing this morning so asked her what her secret was. Hoped she might take the hint this time and tell us all she was in love.

  “No secret,” she said, “Maybe it’s my new face cream. What about you, Lib? Got a bit of a glow going there yourself!”

  That shut me up.

  And had me rushing to the loo for a quick check. And I did have a bit of a look about me, I must say.

  Must stop that immediately or Ned will be asking questions.

  PM

  Ned was working late again tonight so I spread my files across the kitchen table and tried to focus my mind on work.

  I’d barely made it through a list of ridiculous fundraising ideas - sponsored skiing (in Val d’Isere) and Yummy Mummy Beauty Contest included again - when my mobile started ringing.

  Got a bit distracted and spent the rest of the night chatting to Dan.

  Quickly ended the call when I heard Ned’s key in the door.

  Tuesday 20th January

  I’ve decided I’m going to stop feeling guilty. I’ve not done anything wrong. We haven’t even kissed so why should I feel bad?

  I guess I wouldn’t be too happy if I found out that Ned was having clandestine drinks with somebody from work though but … well, just but.

  I know I’m not making a great deal of sense at the moment but my mind seems to be all over the place. Sometimes I wish we could just go back to this time last year - struggling but happy.

  PM

  I honestly don’t see how Fenella’s going to make it through to March. She looks as if she’s about to explode at any second. I’ve offered to collect Todd in the mornings now and drop him off at school. I also said I’d take Charlotte off her hands if she wanted, because she’s finding it virtually impossible to do anything fun with her and the poor child is beginning to get bored stuck at home on the days she’s not at nursery.

  And tomorrow I’m doing my first stint with Mikhail as Rick is off to quote for a conservatory mural for one of the Manor Housers.

  I’ve stocked up on coffee and pain-killers and just pray I’m up for the job of Wonder Lungs sitting.

  Wednesday 21st January

  Well my emergency supplies came in handy because Mikhail was on form and kept me well and truly on my toes. Nothing worked for him - no amount of jiggling, juggling, feeding, walking round the block (not easy with three dogs on leads) or the inane singing and dancing that I used to do to appease Max.

  I was almost at meltdown when I heard the doorbell and, with a sweaty and furious baby on my shoulder, I went to answer it.

  It was the wonderful Olga. And almost immediately Mikhail heard her voice, he stopped crying and did a stupendous burp.

  Olga put out her arms to relieve me of my snotty charge and he snuggled into her shoulder.

  “Vot a little cutey dis bubsie is. Alvays so happy.”

  God, if only she could have seen a re-run of my day - is it really the accent that he loves or is there something more going on?

  “Vell Libby, I had to come qvick to tell you de news. I just left Mikhail’s daddy doing de quote for Lydia-Boss-Lady and I sink she has got de hots for him. Zey vos in de kitchen and she vos crossing her fat little legs, trying to be vonton voman and he looked a little bit sick. Oh it vos so funny.”

  The mental image of Lydia being daft enough to make a play for Rick made me giggle. And Mikhail raised his beetroot face from Olga’s shoulder and chuckled back at me.

  Cheeky little bugger.

  PM

  Olga had left by the time Rick returned. Mikhail had settled for a nap and the house was in peace again. Rick was amazed that he was sleeping so contentedly and I told him that, once again, it had been down to Olga’s charms.

  Poor Rick looked drained. “Lib, that Lydia woman wouldn’t know ‘gaydar’ if it slapped her in her ugly fuckface. Nothing got the message through to her. At one point I thought she was about to start chasing me around the kitchen. She’s gagging for it!”

  I poured Rick a glass of wine and he downed it in one, pushing his glass across for another.

  “The thing is Libby, it’s a really good job and she’s prepared to pay a fortune. With the amount of people she knows it could lead to heaps of other work. I just don’t know how I’m gonna manage juggling work with caring for Mikhail and we can’t keep asking you to look after him - he can be pretty draining, I know.”

  And it was literally in that moment that the answer came to me, almost as if it had been there all along.

  “Rick, Rick! I’ve got it! How do you fancy having a couple of lesbians move in with you? Olga would be the perfect nanny for Mikhail - he loves her - and she’s desperate to get away from Lydia. It’s a match made in heaven.”

  Once Rick got his head around the idea and said he’d discuss it with Nic, we spent a good while laughing about the prospect of Mikhail being brought up by two gay daddies, a lesbian nanny and her live-in lover.

  “Well, we’ve never been ones to do things conventionally, have we Libby? He’ll probably grow up to be the most well-adjusted kid in his class.”

  Think my idea was ingenious and I just hope Nic sees it as the perfect solution.

  I really don’t think I could take another day of baby-sitting, my head is pounding!

  Thursday 22nd January

  Don’t think Ned was overly impressed with my idea - just mumbled words like “poor little sod” and “no bloody normality”. Once a homophobe always a homophobe, I guess - not sure wha
t he actually said because I wasn’t listening to him. I find my mind is often away doing its own thing lately.

  But I don’t give a shit about what he thinks because events moved quickly overnight and it’s all been decided anyway. Olga will be working for Lydia until the end of the month and then start with Nic and Rick.