The Darker Side of Mummy Misfit #2

by Amanda Egan

  Think it might be best if they keep the news of where she’s moving on to from Lydia, as I’d hate to think it might jeopardise Rick’s contract with her - the amount she’s paying him is quite phenomenal.

  Olga called me this afternoon and I’ve never heard her so happy. “I am so chuffing chuffed. I cannot begin to tell you how much dis vill change my life. I von’t be living viz de vitch anymore. Sank you so much Libby.”

  See, I can’t be all bad. I do nice things and I’ve made four people and a baby very happy.

  Just a shame I’ve got such a miserable husband.

  PM

  Left miserable husband to babysit while I went for a jog.

  Oh, didn’t I mention I’d taken up jogging?

  Well I have. I jogged down to the corner of the road and sat in Dan’s car with him for half an hour.

  How can my head be so clear when I’m with him and so muddled when I’m not?

  Friday 23rd January

  Ned had already nodded off with Max in his room by the time I got back last night so I didn’t have to worry about not looking ‘post-jog’ sweaty or knackered.

  I did have ‘the glow’ about me though, which was a slight worry.

  I keep telling myself that Dan and I are just friends and he’s helping me over a tricky patch. It doesn’t matter that we never talk about my miscarriage, he just makes me feel attractive again and that helps.

  And we only kissed once last night - and I tried not to enjoy it, I really did.

  Oh shit!

  Saturday 24th January

  We went to see Skunk and Silver’s new flat last night. Olga came to babysit (a quid quo pro freebie) and we collected Mrs S and headed off in a cab. She was so excited to be out and about on a Friday night and she was clutching her shopping bag of Babycham, wine and her house-warming gift.

  Their new place is great - very individually decorated, as to be expected, and Mrs S had bought them some great astrological star sign place mats which she proudly told us she’d got on eBay for “bargain price of three pounds and twenty five pence.”

  Skunk and Silver were raving about them and saying what a great gift-buyer she was and Silver reset their tiny kitchen table so that we could christen them.

  “I was being very clever on eBay,” Mrs S told us. “Just like you taught me Skunk, I was waiting until the very last second to place my bid and then I was in like Flynn. I am getting so very quick now, nobody beats Mrs Sengupta when she is really wanting something!”

  The meal was great and we all settled with our drinks in their small but cosy sitting room - Mrs S on her fifth Babycham and a little on the tiddly side.

  My heart missed a beat and my hands went decidedly clammy when she suddenly said, “I am very much thinking that I know a little secret that you might all be interested in. I don’t want to upset you, Libbybeta, but I feel it is best out in the open.”

  It’s true what they say about a guilty conscience being your downfall because I could feel my face blushing and my mind racing with the effort of trying to come up with hasty excuses to defend myself.

  All the while I was thinking, how could she possibly know? And I hadn’t actually done that much to feel guilty for, had I?

  I was just about to do something totally daft like ask her if she needed a wee wee - in much the same way as I might distract Max when I know he’s about to say something dodgy in company - when she went on, “Yes, I am thinking that I may be welcoming a new daughter-in-law into the Sengupta fold. Pritesh has been seeing that lovely Patience and I am very much approving of her. I am sorry, Libbybeta, but you may have missed your chance.”

  Looking back, I think my relieved expression may have been a little OTT because I can still see the rather perplexed and suspicious expression on Ned’s face and the bemused exchange of looks between Skunk and Silver.

  How do people manage to have full-blown affairs? Not that I need to know for a reason, I just don’t know how they do it - that’s all.

  Sunday 25th January

  A very quiet day with Ned and me avoiding one another and making small talk for Max’s sake.

  He suggested I book flights for us to go to the villa in Tuscany for half term and I said I’d get it organised.

  “It’ll do us good to get away from everything for a bit, Lib.”

  He didn’t give me a reason but I could almost hear the unvoiced questions which hung over him - he knows that something is up. We know one another so well, it would be impossible for him not to pick up on my vibe.

  But he wouldn’t like the answers and I don’t want to admit to anything.

  I just want everything to go back to normal but I don’t know what that is anymore.

  Monday 26th January

  Had a catch up with Fenella and Patience at pick up and Patience finally admitted to dating Pritesh.

  “Oh God, he’s the first man I’ve been keen on for years but he’s just so decent. He keeps saying that, when the truth comes out, everyone will be implying that he’s only with me for my money. I don’t give a flying fuck that he’s only got his shop in Wembley. I really like him and he’s so good with Solomon.”

  Fenella and I were just reassuring her when Gestapo appeared and sidled up to Patience. “Hi! I hear you’re enjoying my leftovers. Doubt if he’ll ever be in a position to help you out with the school fees though - white goods don’t pay that well, as I discovered for myself.”

  She left the three of us speechless for once - Fenella’s brain must be weighed down by pregnancy blubber because even she couldn’t think of a rebuff.

  PM

  Had a call from Patience and she said that at the next CCL meeting she wants it to be announced that it was her father who stumped up the money.

  Looks like it’s time for the truth to come out.

  “I just want to shove it up the lot of them,” she said. “And Pritesh is just going to have to learn to act like a grown-up. Either he wants to be with me or he doesn’t.”

  Oh boy, I just hope this all works out the way she hopes it will.

  Tuesday 27th January

  Fenella is absolutely delighted that we can finally do the ‘big reveal’ and is champing at the bit for word to get out. “I just think it’s going to be a delight to watch the turnaround. They won’t be able to stop themselves and they’ll all end up looking like the shallow cows they really are. Classic!”

  Just a bit concerned that Patience may get her heart broken in the process and I voiced this to Fenella.

  “Sweedie, I’m a firm believer in what’s meant to be. If he’s worried about a bit of gossip or too proud to be with a woman who has more money than him, then he’s not worthy of her. It’ll sort itself out in the end.”

  I suppose she’s right. I wish I could share my problems with her and see if she could sort those out as easily. But mine must remain locked away inside because I don’t think Fenella would like me very much if I told her what was going on right now.

  PM

  Went ‘jogging’ again tonight.

  Dan wants us to go away somewhere for a night but I just don’t know that I can do that.

  Part of me wants to - just to see if my dormant body is re-awakening - but the other part of me knows that then there really would be no going back. Right now I still have a marriage to try to save but if I take this any further I don’t know where that will leave us.

  One thing I do know is that I’ve taken to locking my diary away in a drawer.

  And I never used to do that.

  Wednesday 28th January

  Ned informed me last night that he’s going away for a week on Monday - business in Paris.

  The most worrying part of it is, I was more concerned about the temptation this might put in my way than I was about whether or not he’d get up to something.

  He also added “The break might do us good, Lib. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.”

  Could almost hear him silently adding, “And you might appreciate what you�
��ve got more when it’s gone.”

  PM

  Had a quick chat to Nic and he’s been counting the days until Olga moves in at the weekend. “I had no idea live-in nannies were so cheap, Lib! She’s going to be an absolute Godsend, I can tell you. She was here last night to have a look round the flat and it was almost as if Mikhail sensed she was coming - he stopped the bawling and grinned the minute the door-bell rang.”

  Told him if Lydia-Boss-Lady ever finds out that I was guilty of orchestrating the hostile takeover, she’d be likely to have my guts for garters.

  Nic laughed and added, “Well if Rick’s description of her cellulite-encased thighs are anything to go by, you’d have to have a fair bit of gut to make your way round those beauties.”

  Glad to hear that he sounds so happy and relaxed again - even if it does mean I may have the Meemie Mafia on to me.

  Thursday 29th January

  CCL meeting

  Fenella and I met for coffee/hot chocolate to prepare for our meeting tonight.

  I arrived back at her place after dropping the kids at school, to find her still in her dressing gown complete with red and white polka dot wellies.

  “Footwear was about the only change of clothing I could manage today, Lib. But I’ve put some mascara on in your honour.”

  Told her I hoped she’d find the energy to get fully dressed before tonight’s meeting and she assured me she would.

  “Oh yes, Libby, I’ll be there in all my tent-like finery as we set the wheels in motion. I’m just wondering how long it will take before the news spreads and we see the full extent of the reaction.”

  And I’m just hoping Patience hangs onto the man of her dreams through all this.

  Friday 30th January

  Yesterday’s meeting went well and delivered in every way we expected.

  When I announced who the generous benefactor was, Hinge & Bracket twittered and fidgeted in typical H&B fashion and Letchy took a sharp intake of breath - Patience had suddenly become even more attractive.

  Shergar, Barbie and Dress-up Mummy exchanged looks and I could almost see the desperate desire in them to be the first to get to their mobiles and put the news out there.

  Or was it the desire to be the first to become Patience’s new best friend, who knows? But it was clear to us that they were happy for the meeting to come to a close as quickly as possible - that’s a first in itself!

  ‘Any Other Business’ consisted of ridiculous requests for:

  An Organic Tuck Shop - run on a rota by mothers - NO!

  Yummy-Mummy Beauty Contest - again! Still NO!

  Latin classes to begin in reception and not year three - thankfully that’s not an issue I have to deal with and H&B poo-pooed it instantly, telling Shergar in no uncertain terms to report back to the mother who had requested this “wholly unsuitable” change that it most definitely would not be happening.

  After-school clubs to run until 7pm each night - again, one for H&B and we were told, quite rightly, that this wouldn’t be feasible as teachers should be allowed to have a life outside of school. Clubs would continue to run until 4.30 and not a minute later.

  A Country Fair and Dog Show - to be held at the end of the summer term and to take place in the school grounds. A great idea in principle but I doubt if anyone will actually offer to organise it. Certainly won’t be me, as Fenella will have her hands full with a young baby and I’m not prepared to fly solo.

  The meeting drew to a close and dispersed very quickly - who would get fingers to the buttons to get the goss out first?

  H&B left with Fenella, leaving Dan and me to clear up and put the tables away.

  It probably wasn’t the wisest move to have a quick snog in the process and I’m just hoping I imagined the noise at the door.

  Saturday 31st January

  Patience called this morning to say that she’s had seven invites for drinks and three for dinner. Her phone hasn’t stopped ringing or beeping with texts since the news got out and Letchy seems to want to be her new best friend.

  “He told me he can sympathise with being a single parent because … wait for it … his ‘wife doesn’t understand him’! Can you believe that? Pritesh was ready to go round and bop him one on the nose!”

  Asked her if all was well where he was concerned and she said she thought so but didn’t want to tempt fate by saying yes.

  “You know what men are like, Lib. Just when you think you’ve got them sussed they turn round and crap on you. If this doesn’t work out with Pritesh, who knows, I might be so desperate I take Letchy up on his offer.”

  Told her I couldn’t ever see that happening and had a little shudder at the thought. Can’t imagine anyone wanting to do ‘the act’ with him - it would be enough to put you off for life.

  PM

  Ned made a point of getting Max to bed early tonight and ordering a take-away. I think he thought I’d want to make the effort and ‘get down and dirty’ before he leaves for Paris on Monday.

  He was wrong.

  Sunday 1st February

  Went for lunch at Nic and Rick’s to welcome Olga and Zsa-Zsa.

  We couldn’t believe the difference in the atmosphere there - Nic and Rick were looking their usual sharp selves, the kitchen was emitting delicious smells and the flat was spic and span.

  Mikhail was still quite cross looking but reasonably quiet, a bonus all round, and Olga and Zsa-Zsa were delighted to be in their new home.

  Sunday is officially Olga’s day off but she was eager to impress and was very hands-on with Mikhail.

  After lunch she and Zsa-Zsa took him for a walk in his buggy to get him off to sleep and they offered to take Max with them. Max jumped at the chance - a trip to the park beats sitting around with grown-ups.

  Had just settled in the kitchen with our coffees when I heard my phone beep with a text. As I went to my bag to get it, I was sure I saw a look of suspicion cross Ned’s face - maybe it’s just my guilty conscience.

  It was a text from Patience.

  BEEN DUMPED. PRITESH BUMPED IN2 GESTAPO AND SHE DID HER WORST - BITCH! BACK TO SQUARE 1 X

  Filled the others in on the news and told them how sad I was for Patience.

  Nic added “And Mrs S is going to be heartbroken. She thought this one was for keeps, didn’t she? You’re gonna have to watch yourself, Lib, she’ll be trying to lure you away again.”

  Ned sipped his coffee and looked at me. “Who knows, you might take him up on his offer this time, eh Lib? Get away from the monotony of home. Can’t say I’d blame you ‘cos it’s all pretty shit at the moment isn’t it?”

  Nic and Rick shifted uncomfortably in their seats and looked at us both in disbelief.

  Nic broke the silence with a light hearted “Aww, come on guys. You’ve got the blueprint for the perfect marriage. We’re all striving to get it as perfect as you two. Just have a good shag and you’ll be right as rain again.”

  Not the most helpful of comments he could have made, given the circumstances, but I know he was just trying to lighten the mood.

  Ned brought it back down with a bump again when he said, “Well, I’m off to Paris for a week tomorrow, so, who knows, one of us might get lucky.”

  What a complete and utter bastard!

  Well, if he wants to play dirty, I’m one step ahead of him.

  Monday 2nd February

  Ned leaves for Paris

  Ned apologised for his behaviour before he left for his trip. A bit like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted, but I had to be gracious and accept it.

  “Don’t worry, I’ve got no intention of getting it on with anybody in Paris, Lib. I’m sorry if I over-stepped the mark with my stupid comment. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

  Kissed him goodbye slightly reluctantly. He shouldn’t have bloody said it in the first place then, should he?

  Met the Anti-Meemies for coffee after drop off, with a heavy heart.

  What a pitiful bunch we were. Fenella was doing a great impr
ession of a beached whale trapped in a windblown marquee, Patience was red-eyed and thoughtful and Rachel was fuming while ripping up a serviette and rolling it into little balls. As she furiously chucked her final ‘paper-bullet’ across the table she broke the silence with,

  “Betsy was desperate to have Mia home for tea but Gestapo refused until I have a CRB check. Can you believe that? She said she hoped I wouldn’t take offence but, as I’m not a “proper mother”, she thought it only wise. For fuck’s sake, what is wrong with these women?”