The Darker Side of Mummy Misfit #2

by Amanda Egan

  “Gestapo is a rancid pile of steaming shit,” Patience said as she stared into her coffee. “If it wasn’t for her stirring it, Pritesh and I would still be together. Do you know she still had the cheek to invite me there for dinner on Friday night?”

  Fenella came in with, “Well I hope you told her where to stuff her dinner” and, rubbing her back added, “It would only have been a lettuce leaf and half a crate of Moët, anyway.”

  “Oh, I told her in no uncertain terms. Just as I told all the other gold-diggers who are now vying for my attention. Dress-up Mummy actually called me at the weekend and asked if I’d discuss the commission of some art work. Nobody would come near my stall at the Christmas Fair and now I’m ethnic flavour of the month.”

  Fenella nodded. “Well, we all suspected it might turn out this way didn’t we? I don’t know why we’re all so surprised. Think I’m going to order another couple of flapjacks. Anyone going to join me?”

  So we ordered another round of coffees and sat in silence - contemplating the crappiness of everything while we watched Fenella munching her way through her third breakfast.

  Tuesday 3rd February

  Popped in to Mrs S to find her looking very morose. Even Desmond seemed a little under the weather in his cage - think he must be tuned in to her moods now.

  “Oh Libbybeta, my Pritesh is so sad now that he is not seeing that lovely Patience. I am not understanding why she would be ending it with him.”

  Tried to explain to her that it was her beloved son who had acted like a prize dick (but not in those terms) but that doesn’t seem to be the way he’s told the story - typical bloody male, twisting everything around to paint themselves in a better light.

  Well, I’m not having it. Patience deserves better treatment and I’m seeing that she gets it.

  PM

  I went of to Wembley after I left Mrs S and I hunted down Pritesh’s shop.

  Of course he was busy charming a female customer while trying to get her to buy the most expensive dishwasher, but his face still lit up when he saw me.

  The potential buyer was quickly dispatched to an assistant and Pritesh made his way over to me.

  “Well well. To what do I owe the pleasure? Let’s head off for some lunch.”

  We found ourselves in a little wine bar and I wasted no time in getting stuck into him.

  “Why would you tell your mother that Patience ended it with you, you lying bastard?”

  “Now, now Lib, it’s not ladylike to use words like that. Mum won’t love you if you use rudie words.”

  I think he could tell by the look on my face that I was in no mood for daft banter and he had the good grace to look a little sheepish.

  “Look, Lib. I had to tell mum it was the other way round because she’d have done her nut if she found out I was the one doing the dumping.”

  “But things were going so well with you and Patience. Why would you want to go and end it just because of something as stupid as money?” I asked him.

  “You wouldn’t understand, Lib. I don’t know if it’s just male pride, or maybe my Indian culture, but I just knew that all the gossip and rumours would start as soon as it was out and I couldn’t let people think I was just with her for her money. I was really smitten, you know, Lib - thought I might have found Miss Right. Then I bumped into Gestapo. Shit, you’ve even got me using the nickname now! I don’t know if it was sour grapes or not, although I don’t see why when Gestapo was the one who dumped me, but she said all the things I’d been fearing all along.”

  He went on to say she’d told him half the mothers were talking about it and that it was quite clear his business must be failing and that was why he’d hooked up with Patience.

  “She said there was a rumour that Patience had lent me a quarter of a mill to get me out of trouble. I can’t have people thinking that.”

  What a bloody shit-stirrer that Gestapo is! I can’t believe she would stoop that low. She didn’t want Pritesh anymore but she’s determined to make sure no one else has him. I asked Pritesh if maybe he’d considered that as her reason for muck-spreading.

  “To be perfectly honest, Libby, I just don’t know any more. I just felt I had to end it with Patience before the unfounded talk damaged her or I got in any deeper.”

  Told him I thought he was a prat. “Patience is heart-broken, Pritesh, and it’s all because you can’t handle a bit of goss that will blow over in a week. You’re pathetic! That lot will always find someone to pick on and rip to pieces but it stops when they find their next victim. Trust me, I know, I’ve been on the receiving end of it often enough.”

  Pritesh released a huge sigh and rubbed his head. “You’re right of course, Libby. I probably did over-react. I’ll give it some more thought. And thanks.”

  Good! Now I’m going to get Gestapo sorted.

  But I might need Fenella for moral support and her inimitable turn of phrase.

  Wednesday 4th February

  Spent most of last night on the phone to Dan. He wanted to come round but I told him I didn’t think that was wise.

  I’m not sure if it was because I didn’t want to run the risk of Max seeing Mr Rooney in the house if he came downstairs or because I didn’t trust myself.

  But I’m sure I made the right decision - even though Dan didn’t agree.

  We’re meeting for a drink tomorrow night. I’ve got Olga to babysit on the pretext that I’m cheering up Patience.

  Oh what a tangled web we weave …

  Thursday 5th February

  It’s ‘Operation Gestapo’ this morning. Fenella’s going to make the effort to drag her bulk to school and I’m really very grateful to her - I know I couldn’t tackle this by myself.

  Why am I such a wimp? She could do it single-handedly without turning a perfectly coiffed hair but I need her there to hold my hand.

  PM

  Well we sorted Gestapo (or rather Fenella did - I can’t really take much credit).

  We cornered her at the car and I think the sight of Fenella in all her exploding hormonal glory was enough to put the frighteners on her to start with. She knew she was in trouble.

  “Just a quick word, if we could,” Fenella started politely. “This won’t take long but I just wanted to ask that you make it your life’s mission right now to put the rumours regarding Pritesh to bed - you might also want to stop fabricating your own too.”

  Gestapo stuttered and blushed. “I don’t know what you mean. And why should I do as you say? Who do you think you are?” She turned to open her car door and Fenella forced it shut - she was like a fat Charlie’s Angel in action.

  “I,” Fenella said very quietly, “am the person who knows about your little coke habit, darling. Rather a lot of the dosh from hubbie’s dodgy dealings went towards that didn’t it? So I would respectfully suggest that you listen to my friendly words of advice.”

  “And what would they be, exactly?” Gestapo’s botoxed top lip was quivering visibly.

  Fenella was leaning on the car door by this point with her arms crossed and she continued very slowly, “Lay off the shit-stirring and we won’t have to tell Hinge & Bracket that they have very good reason to want you out of the school. Capiche?”

  Gestapo nodded obediently and drove off, clearly shaken.

  And Fenella and I all but collapsed on the pavement in hysterical giggles. “Capiche?” Fenella spluttered. “Where the fuck did that come from?”

  “I don’t know.” I told her. “But it obviously did the trick.”

  Just as we were about to high-five one another, we spotted Lydia-Boss-Lady storming across the road to us.

  “Well thank you very much, Libby.” she said sarcastically. “That’s what friends do is it?” Friends? That’s a bit rich! “You prised my nanny out from under my very nose and encouraged her to go and live with your homosexual friends. Well thank you!”

  Fenella was now in full fighting mode and determined that Round Two was going to her as well. Abandoning her usual eloquenc
e, she got straight in with “Oh piss off, Lydia! Olga was always miserable when she was working for you - you’re the boss from hell. If she hadn’t gone off to work for Nic and Rick, she’d have gone somewhere else. Now if you’ll excuse us, we have important business to discuss and your domestic drama isn’t one of them.”

  Left Lydia doing a good impersonation of a gold fish and I was fully expecting Fenella to issue another ‘Capiche’!

  Friday 6th February

  Drink with Dan last night was nice but wrong. Ned’s home tonight and, although I’m looking forward to seeing him, I just feel as if I have ‘GUILTY’ written all over my face.

  Of course, I still haven’t actually done anything but … well, I’ve considered it and that’s bad enough in itself.

  I’m really not cut out for infidelity. I suppose deep down that must mean my marriage is still worth saving.

  Saturday 7th February

  Well, from the less than enthusiastic reunion we had last night, it would be hard to find one part of our marriage that isn’t struggling for breath at the moment. Ned had burnt the candle at both ends on his trip and was absolutely knackered and I just couldn’t be bothered to make the effort.

  We called for a take-away, shared a bottle of wine and then went to bed early.

  To sleep.

  Sunday 8th February

  Lunch at Mum’s, where once again Ned didn’t have to reach into his pocket for digestive relief. Always a bonus. Mum was on her best behaviour - think Bert may well have had words with her, if only to claw back some control, and not a minute too soon.

  All was fine until we were leaving and she very pointedly said, “It would have been nice if you could have invited us to stay with you in Tuscany for half term. Perhaps we’ll book a little hotel close by and come and see you every day.”

  Oh my! Ned’s face echoed my thoughts and he went deathly pale.

  Bert whispered to me as I put on my seat belt, “Don’t worry love. I won’t let her book anything. You need a break as a family and you don’t need old Nosey Breeches interfering.

  Is it acceptable to love your mother’s boyfriend more than you love your mother?

  Sounds like a headline for a trashy magazine!

  Monday 9th February

  Gestapo was looking a little sheepish at the school gates but the gossip machine seems to have wound down and the Meemies are clearly on the prowl for their next victim.

  I think I served my apprenticeship last year so I doubt if they’ll touch me again. Just hope they never find out about my clandestine meetings because they’d certainly make a meal of that.

  PM

  Had a call from Nic. Things are working out really well with Olga. He said it was a bit tricky in the beginning because Lydia-Boss-Lady was making constant threatening phone calls.

  “But weirdly, Lib, they seemed to have stopped now.”

  Didn’t let on that Fenella had been the one to sort that in her unique style. A good one to share with them when we’re all together.

  Capiche?!

  Tuesday 10th February

  Fenella called to say that she’d had a bit of a false alarm in the night.

  “And this time it wasn’t wind, Sweedie. I actually thought it was happening.”

  She’s been told to take it easy for a couple of days so she won’t be able to make the CCL meeting tomorrow night.

  I guess I’m going to have to get used to chairing by myself when she’s had the baby but the thought still terrifies me.

  Just hope it’s an easy meeting with no major dramas for me to have to deal with.

  Time to be a big girl and hold my own - or hand over to H&B if the going gets tough.

  Wednesday 11th February

  CCL meeting

  Had a morning of preparing notes for tonight and then had a coffee with Mrs S.

  At least Pritesh has told her the truth now and he’d been on the receiving end of a Mrs S style bollocking.

  “What a silly young man, my son is! And lying to his dear old mother too. I should have been putting him over my knee and giving him a good hiding. He had better be sorting this mess out soon or he will be dying a very sad and lonely man.”

  Told her I was sure it would all work itself out eventually.

  “Yes Libbybeta, I am sure it will all be coming out in the washing. And I will have a lovely new daughter-in-law. Unless …?” She looked at me hopefully.

  I didn’t bother answering her, just shook my head with a sigh and let myself out.

  PM

  The meeting was uneventful, partly due to the fact that it only consisted of me, H&B and Dan - no other bugger bothered to turn up or call with a pathetic excuse.

  As there wasn’t a lot we could cover without them, we finished in ten minutes flat.

  Ned didn’t have to know that though, did he?

  Got home at just gone ten thirty and he was already out for the count.

  Would have stayed out later if I’d known.

  Thursday 12th February

  Spent the day packing for our break and then put in a quick catch up call to Lou.

  She was incredibly jealous that we’re going away, despite the fact that we’d invited them to join us - even offering to pay for the fares - as I reminded her.

  “Och no, Lib. I couldn’t take my wee Finn on a plane. If it crashed I’d never forgive myself. You have a great time and if you should take a wee dive, make sure you get the life-jacket on Max first.”

  Gee, thanks Lou. Way to go!

  Friday 13th February

  Max breaks up and Friday the 13th - not that I believe in any of that.

  I’m finally one of those mums who can proudly claim that they’re off to their villa for half term - never thought I’d live to see the day. Felt a bit daft even mentioning it really - they don’t actually give a shit what anyone else is doing with their break - they only seem to care when you’re not going anywhere.

  Also felt a bit mean, knowing that Patience is about to spend half term alone. Pritesh really is taking his bloody time in getting in touch. Fenella and I got our stuff done much quicker. Just goes to show, if you want something done, ask a woman.

  Might send him a text tonight and tell him to pull his finger out.

  PM

  Well Friday the 13th delivered.

  Ned came home from work tonight and told me that he won’t be able to join us for half term. Troubles at work.

  God, we sound like we’re turning into a typical Manor House couple - I’m off to our villa by myself whilst businessman hubbie stays at home with his nose to the grindstone.

  I wonder if there really are troubles at work or if he just doesn’t want to spend time with me.

  I didn’t ask because I was scared of the answer but I felt very sad.

  Sad for too many reasons to mention.

  SPRING

  MUMMY SEES THE LIGHT

  Sunday 22nd February

  It ended up being a great half term. Patience and Solomon flew out to join us - amazing what money can do at short notice - and we had a fantastic week.

  Pritesh had finally called her but she’s making him suffer - he won’t mess with her again in a hurry!

  Ned met us at the airport and he looked gorgeously handsome and just a little bit lost. He told me how much he’d missed us and we shared a kiss when Max was in bed.

  It was the first kiss in months that meant something and my heart ached for all those times we’d missed out on.

  Time to get things back on track.

  Monday 23rd February

  Had an email from Hinge & Bracket which made me giggle and shudder at the same time.

  ‘Libby

  We have had approaches from Millicent Finnigan-Potts (that’s Barbie mummy to us) and Tamara Harper-Knox (Shergar) to be granted permission to organise and host a Manor House Yummy Mummy Contest. We are aware that this has been discussed in the past and declined (for obvious reasons!) but they are really rather insistent that it go ahead.
/>
  We have given them a provisional date of Friday 8th May in the hope that they will receive little or no response. Of course they will be unable to proceed without entrants.

  If it should go ahead they have requested that the winner donates any monies raised to the charity of their choice.

  Let’s hope the idea is not taken seriously and we can bury this one once and for all.