The Darker Side of Mummy Misfit #2

by Amanda Egan

  Or for me, as a matter of fact. Got a couple of great dresses on eBay for just under forty quid. Mrs S will be proud!

  Friday 15th May

  Took a much needed trip to the hairdressers to get the mop under control again. I’ll probably end up with ridiculous ‘hat-hair’ on Sunday but at least it looks tamed at the moment.

  In fact, I almost look like a yummy-mummy. Might see if Max can stay at Fenella’s tonight so that I can wine, dine and seduce my lovely hubbie.

  PM

  Fenella was happy to have Max and all the dogs - hope Dot settles this time. It’ll be lovely to have the house all to ourselves and I fully intend to make the most of it.

  Might even try to find a new pair of M&S drawers in the drawer.

  Ah, stuff that! I’ll go without!

  Saturday 16th May

  Oooh, I’m a bit tired this morning. Forgotten what it was like to have a child-free house and let rip!

  Really must try to do that more often and I’m sure Ned would agree. He’s walking around the house like the cat that got the cream, whistling a happy little tune to himself like Tom from ‘The Good Life’.

  Ah, married life - you can’t beat it. Even if sometimes it means you can’t walk properly!

  Sunday 17th May

  Darcy and Mikhail’s christening

  Up to a bright and sparkling day perfect for the christening of two special babies - one of whom I delivered! Still feel a bit queasy when I think about that day. Just goes to show what you can do if you have to.

  Off to collect Mrs S and then to the church.

  Monday 18th May

  It really was such a special day yesterday.

  Mrs S looked gorgeous in a stunning gold and cream sari which she topped off (rather incongruously) with a feathered hat she’d borrowed from her new friend, Maud! She seems to be getting a small amount of movement back in her left side - and her right side works perfectly well for quaffing her Babycham. She’s started doing the ‘girlie infatuated thing’ of starting every sentence with “Harry says …” Quite sweet really and I’m delighted to see her so happy.

  Nic and Rick looked very dapper and proud. Mikhail managed to keep quiet throughout the ceremony and then turned back into Wonder Lungs the minute it was over. It didn’t matter though, because there were plenty of us to take turns and he seemed to love Mrs S singing to him.

  Fenella looked every inch the yum-mum, minus her crown and sash, and breezed through the day as the perfect hostess.

  Skunk and Silver looked very much in love, as did Patience and Pritesh. Mrs S was constantly rubbing Patience’s tummy and telling everyone that she was “cooking her grandchild” for her - dread to think what she’ll be like at the wedding, she’ll probably burst out of her little sari with pride.

  The booze flowed, the food was delicious and the kids had a ball running in the garden and around the marquee.

  Everything was just perfect …

  … until I received another text.

  Tuesday 19th May

  KEEPING QUIET WILL DO YOU NO GOOD. THE DAY WILL COME

  That’s the text I received to mar a perfect day.

  I’m so cross now. Whoever it is, they’re playing a really clever game. Ever time I think it’s all over, they drop the next bombshell.

  Ned stepped in to ‘protective husband’ mode and decided to give Dan a call to see if he was still receiving them.

  Felt very proud of my hubbie who remained calm and focused - not once did any of his hurt show through, he just wanted the facts.

  Dan told Ned he’s still receiving texts at more or less the same frequency. They seem to vary slightly from the ones I’m getting but the message is more or less the same.

  We can’t figure out exactly what they want us to do. Do they expect us to make a confession to Hinge & Bracket so that the whole sordid slip-up can be announced to the school?

  Surely not? What’s it got to do with anyone else? It’s history and should be buried. Why won’t they let it lie?

  But the one question that keeps going round in my head is, how do they know?

  Wednesday 20th May

  CCL meeting

  All is going smoothly with the paperwork for the move and it looks like we should be in the new house by the end of next month. The joy is slightly sullied by this text business hanging over me but I have to focus on the positive - this was meant to be a new beginning for us. I won’t let them ruin it for me.

  Not looking forward to the meeting tonight. Find that I’m constantly looking at people and wondering “Is it you?”

  It’s unnerving to say the least.

  Thursday 21st May

  Meeting was the usual groan-worthy event.

  Shergar talked us through the accounts and everything is looking rosy - we really have had a record year so far and H&B are delighted.

  Barbie spent the whole meeting texting and Dress-up Mummy, in her own little world as usual, was humming softly to herself!

  We’re all set for the talent show. We have a full line up of acts and a stupid amount of prizes for the raffle.

  Wonder who’ll win the Harley Street voucher for two grand’s worth of surgery?

  Yes, really!

  Friday 22nd May

  Puppies’ birthday

  Exactly a year ago today since dog gave birth to ‘his’ puppies under the kitchen table.

  So much has changed over that time - lots for the better, some for worse. The dogs were definitely a bonus to our lives - a shock but a bonus.

  Max came out of school and begged me to have a party for the puppies. (Didn’t think he’d even remember but I should know by now he’s got the memory of an elephant)

  “PLLLEEAAASSSEE, Mummy. It’s Friday and I don’t have to go to bed very early. Todd wants to come and it will be such fun. PURLEASE!”

  Had a quick poke around in the fridge and freezer to see if we actually had anything to offer people if we called an impromptu party, because the last thing I felt like doing was a supermarket dash.

  Figured we could make do with the assorted contents and I knew Fenella would bring lots of delicacies.

  Called Ned and asked him to do a booze run on the way home form work.

  A puppy party seems to have been organised.

  Saturday 23rd May

  Dogs had a great time, as did we humans.

  Jenny and Colin said that we’re mad as March Hares having a party for them but they arrived with a bottle and packets of Bonios as presents for the dogs anyway.

  Skunk and Silver collected Mrs S and brought her along as Pritesh and Patience had decided to have a quiet night in - think she might be feeling a bit knackered at the mo.

  Rachel and Mike came along with Betsy and told us that they’ve made the decision to move her from Manor House. “It’s just not working for us,” Rachel told me. “I’m sick of feeling like an outcast and I don’t want that feeling to rub off onto Betsy. We’re reluctantly looking into a place at the local primary for September.”

  Feel very sad to be losing them but I can fully understand her reasons. Being a step-mum shouldn’t result in being treated like a criminal - it turns my stomach that the evil Meemies should triumph over good.

  Olga and Zsa-Zsa did a great job of settling all the kids - even Mikhail gave in and went down for an hour or so.

  Olga is delighted to be in her new job and says she’s the happiest she’s ever been in her working life. “It vas so funny ven I vas seeing Lydia-Boss-Lady ven I vas at de shops viz Mikhail. She look at me like she have stinky poop up her beak and she not talk to me at all. Stupid bitch.”

  Nic put his arm around her shoulder and said, “Now now, Hun. Just because you’ve got the best bosses in the world now, you mustn’t go dissing the last one.”

  Olga harrumphed. “You may be ze best bosses in de vurld but she is cow-face and dat is de truth!”

  Nic knew not to argue with her, she’s too valuable to him - Olga and a hissy-fit are not a good combination
- so he topped her glass up and offered her a pay rise!

  Fenella treated us to some Broadway show tunes - just as well she’s not going in for the talent show because I reckon she’d walk away with the prize for that too. Her Cabaret number on the stool was so sexy it even had Nic and Rick drooling. That’s talent!

  Sunday 24th May

  Spent most of the evening trying to come up with fundraising ideas for Mikhail. Olga has already arranged a sponsored swim, run and sky-dive and Fenella had the prize money from the beauty contest - I really feel like I’m letting the side down.

  Ned’s organised a ‘dress-down Friday’ at work for later on in the year so that should raise a fair amount and I guess once I’m finished with CCL I can devote more time to it.

  Monday 25th May

  Gave Nic a call to apologise for my lack of dynamism regarding the fundraising.

  “Oh shut up you dopey tart, “he said. “We’ll be chucking nearly ten grand into the coffers thanks to Olga and Fenella - none of that would have been possible without you kicking things off. And you found us the best nanny in the whole of the south of England. Mikhail only has to hear her dulcet Russian tones and he beams.”

  When it’s put like that, I don’t feel quite so bad.

  Tuesday 26th May

  Mum called to ask what we want for Christmas! I swear it gets earlier every year. I think I’ll just put my order in on Boxing Day this year and get next year dealt with.

  Told her I’d have to have a think about it and she said I had to let her know by the end of the week. “Me and Bert are off to knock the shopping on the head at the weekend and I don’t want to be held up by you. By the way, how’s the sick baby? Nic and Rick handed him back yet and got a healthy one?”

  Felt like telling her all I really want for Christmas is a new mum but I didn’t think that would go down too well.

  Wednesday 27th May

  Lots of talent contest talk and last minute rehearsals being arranged. The participating parents seem as excited as the kids.

  The Meemies seem a little relieved to know that Fenella won’t be taking part - they really don’t want her in the competition as she seems to have become the school sex-symbol and dads will do anything to get into a conversation with her - the image of her cracking that whip is imbedded in many a daddy’s brain!

  Of course she uses it to her full advantage and notches up favours which she keeps note of. Just yesterday she told me that Letchy had promised her his services for clearing up after the talent show, just so that he could talk to her chest for ten minutes.

  “No, Sweedie. I have no qualms about using my assets to get what I want. You should try it some time.”

  Didn’t think Ned would appreciate me acting like a wanton woman to get favours from Dads after my recent behaviour so decided not to give it a go.

  Thursday 28th May

  Just got back to the car after nipping into town for a new (secondhand) outfit, when I caught a bloody traffic warden giving me a ticket.

  Decided it was harmless enough to use the ‘Fenella tactics’ on a middle-aged and balding warden, so attempted to go into full-on flirt mode.

  Gave me the ticket anyway, had a quick look at my tits and then asked me if I’d just been to the dentist.

  Cheeky sod! I’d been trying to do the ‘sultry-pouty-lip’ look! Last attempt at flirting for me - I’ll leave it to the expert.

  Friday 29th May

  Manor House Has Got Talent - we hope

  Break-up for Half term

  Great excitement at the gates this morning. All the kids think it’s fantastic to be coming to school tonight for their own X Factor. I’m glad Max didn’t want to take part and just wanted to watch - couldn’t deal with the disappointment if he didn’t win. I realise that’s being over-protective but I know how talented some of the kids at the school are - some of them sound like they entered the world playing Suzuki violin. And with all the pushy mothers demanding three hours practice a day, they’re practically pros by the age of six.

  Think the kids’ and teachers’ categories will be great fun. Have my reservations about the parents’ section but am certain it will be entertaining to say the least.

  Saturday 30th May

  As Mrs S so delightfully put it, “It is just as well I am in the good company of a Tena lady pad tonight!”

  Our evening was eye-wateringly hilarious from start to finish. Obviously it was a little more than Mrs S’s eyes that were watering! At one point I thought old Harry was about to have a coronary as he was laughing so hard - and every time he stopped, Mrs S would start again.

  The kids’ category delivered exactly as I thought it would - lots of musical talent and also a very funny little stand up comedian.

  The staff threw themselves fully into the proceedings without taking themselves too seriously. H&B stole the show with their ‘Two little Maids’ adaptation, sporting kimonos and odd geisha style make-up and hair. It was clear to all that they’d be the winners of their group.

  But the parents’ round just kept on delivering. Barbie and Shergar made complete twats of themselves with their rendition of Lady Gaga’s ‘Poker Face’. Think the audience spent most of the act in shock and, once that wore off, the giggles set in. It was just so ridiculous to see two grown women taking themselves so seriously. Had it been done tongue-in-cheek, they might have got away with it but they thought they were hot!

  Then Gestapo treated us to an operatic aria which left us with painfully ringing ears and amazed that any glasses had survived the onslaught. Fenella leant over to me at one point and stage-whispered, “Who stuck the feather up her arse?” Unfortunately, she said it just as the piece hit a quiet moment and half the audience burst out laughing.

  Dress-up Mummy and Daddy did a Bob Dylan medley although I somehow doubt she remembered it in the morning as she appeared to be so doped up! Quite fitting, I guess.

  The best in the parent round turned out to be (and it pains me to write this) Rudeman. Obviously his stint at Her Majesty’s Pleasure had given him enough time to practice a new skill - slight of hand. His magic tricks were astonishing and it was clear to see that he’d have had no problem magicking away three and half mill of stocks and shares. Innocent? My arse!

  Fenella and I managed to take over two grand on the raffle - she’s so persuasive and of course all the dads wanted the chance to ogle her ample décolletage. She made the most of it and had them parting with every penny they had.

  Mrs S won a weekend break for two in Bath which she was thrilled to bits with. Harry looked pretty chuffed when she invited him to join her - ah, geriatric love!

  Shergar made a great show of poo-pooing the cosmetic surgery voucher that she won. Who needs enhancements with a body like this? seemed to be implied. But I can guarantee something will have work done on it in the summer break and she won’t admit to it.

  As the evening drew to a close I counted up the remainder of the raffle takings and took it to Shergar to add to her accounts.

  “Oh, Libby, be a darling and put it in the office for me, will you?” she said, “I need to get out of this wretched costume. You know the code to the safe, don’t you?”

  Felt a bit miffed that I had to trudge all the way upstairs on a job that really shouldn’t fall to me but got on and did it anyway.

  Once I arrived, I noticed that the lights were on in the office already and I was surprised to see Dan there. He turned and smiled. “That bloody awful woman asked me to put the takings from the bar and tickets in the safe. Why she couldn’t do it herself, I don’t know.”

  Told him the ‘bloody awful woman’ had me doing her grafting too and handed him my envelope.

  The money locked up, Dan turned to me. “I really am sorry you know, Lib. Sorry it all turned out the way it did. I hope you’re happier now, I honestly do, and the sooner this bloody texter stops their nonsense the better.”

  Told him I was very happy, aside from the texts, and apologised for messing him about - it wa
s the least he deserved.

  I turned and left him standing in the office. I can’t deny to myself that he’s still incredibly sexy and, another time, another place - who knows? But he ain’t my Neddy and I’m not a mad or grieving woman any more.

  Sunday 31st May

  A quiet weekend really. Lunch in a restaurant (which we couldn’t have considered a year ago), as neither of us could be bothered to cook, and then some sporadic attempts at packing.