The Darker Side of Mummy Misfit #2

by Amanda Egan

  How three of us can have accumulated so much junk, I’ll never know. The temptation to pay packers is beginning to look more appealing but I won’t give in! My knicker drawer will remain sacred if it kills me.

  Max has sorted all his toys and books already and is far more organised than Ned and me put together. He can’t wait for the move and is already planning the colour scheme for his new bedroom - orange walls, green carpet and a purple ceiling. Nice! Hopefully we can talk him round or at least do away with the ceiling idea.

  Monday 1st June

  Great to be on half term and enjoying a relaxing time at home.

  The only downside is the way I freeze every time I receive a text. I just dread looking at the screen and seeing ‘Unknown’. Things have been quiet since the last one I received at the christenings but I’m still on my guard.

  We’ve booked our flights to Tuscany for the middle of August and if the blasted texts haven’t stopped by then, I’m taking a new temporary mobile and only giving the number to a select few.

  So select, I might not even give it to Mum!

  PM

  Ned’s been given a pay rise! And really quite a substantial one too.

  He was so chuffed when he came home he suggested we get F&J round for a half-term celebration.

  At least financially we can seem to do no wrong at the moment.

  Tuesday 2nd June

  Quite tired after last night turned into a marathon - can’t seem to hack late ones during the week any more.

  F&J arrived with bubbly and wine and, much to Max’s delight, they brought Todd too.

  “Left the other two with the sitter, Sweedie, but Toddie was desperate to come. That won’t be any trouble, will it?”

  Told her it was great that Max had company and if Todd happened to nod off we’d just turn it into a sleepover.

  For the first time ever, we ordered the most expensive take-away we could find - totally decadent but, if you can’t do it when you get a pay-rise, when can you?

  We toasted Ned’s success and our house move and also the fact that we couldn’t believe we’d been friends for such a short time - it feels like we’ve known one another forever.

  “And a toast to the only woman who has ever seen my frou-frou,” Fenella slurred. “Well apart from my waxer and a couple of midwives, that is. I can’t believe you delivered Darcy all by yourself, Lib - and you were so cool and calm. I was a complete bitch, I always am in labour.”

  Josh and I clinked our glasses and said, “We’ll drink to that!”

  Wednesday 3rd June

  Todd’s impromptu sleep-over turned into a double whammy and he ended up staying last night as well, so this morning I woke up to two tired but excited boys. Todd said he wished he lived with us! “Your house is so nice and quiet. Charlotte and Darcy just make noise and I hate being the only boy - ‘snot fair!”

  Told him he was very lucky to have two lovely sisters but I don’t think he was convinced.

  Max didn’t help by adding, “I love not having brothers and sisters. I get my mummy and my daddy all to myself.”

  So happy that he feels that way, but not sure it appeased Todd.

  In fact it couldn’t have because, when Fenella came to collect him, he refused to go home.

  We promised another sleepover soon and he seemed to be happy with that. Although he did say, “Back to the house of girls” as he kicked stones on his way down the garden path.

  At least I’m now reassured that Max doesn’t feel like he’s missing out on siblings - that’s a huge comfort because Ned got his appointment for the ‘snip’ through today for September 2nd. Josh is being done the week before so I’m guessing Fenella will be organising some kind of macabre celebration.

  Didn’t feel one inch of regret when I opened the letter - my baby days are truly behind me. It sounds a dreadful thing to say but I think the deal was kind of sealed when I realised what a difficult life Nic and Rick are going to have with Mikhail. I have a healthy child and a great life and, at my ripe old age, I don’t want to tempt fate.

  Thursday 4th June

  Took Max to visit Mrs S today. Most of her mobility seems to have come back and, although she could probably be living independently again now, she says she’s happy where she is.

  She’s off for her weekend to Bath with Harry tomorrow and her new friendship has put a very definite twinkle in her eye.

  “Libbybeta, it is so lovely to be having a gentleman friend. It is making me feel like a young lady again and he does make me laugh so!” Then she whispered, out of Max’s earshot, “We are having separate rooms at the hotel, you know. Do not think I am a fallen woman.”

  Told her I thought it was great that she had a new friend and I would never think badly of her. “Good for you, Mrs S. I’m just so pleased that you like it in here and Harry is just the icing on the cake.”

  Mrs S giggled coquettishly and dabbed at her eyes with her hanky. “Oh yes, Libbybeta, he’s put the chilli back in my chutney, that’s for sure!”

  Who’d have thought it?

  Friday 5th June

  Summer huh?

  Braved a trip to the park in the drizzly London rain.

  Max and I were having a great run-around with the dogs and a ball when we bumped into Gestapo.

  Why she bothers to take the ‘rat in the bag’ with her, I don’t know. She never lets it exercise for fear of dirtying its precious coat and it just sits in there cowering pathetically in its designer garb of fake diamonds and fur.

  Max went up and had a closer look and then looked up at Gestapo.

  “What’s your ra... dog called?”

  Gestapo looked down her nose at him and answered haughtily, “Princess Nana La Piaf.”

  Max looked wide eyed at her and then, as he skipped away shouted over his shoulder, “Phew, no wonder you never let her out of the bag! It’s a long name to call if you lose her!”

  Don’t know if he gets his acerbic wit from his parents or his education but I think it’s fantastic.

  Gestapo clearly didn’t and tottered off in ridiculous zebra striped heels while I skipped after my boy in my polka dot wellies.

  PM

  Told Ned about Max’s comment to Gestapo and he chuckled, “That’s my boy! Seems she’s been behaving herself lately though. Not got herself into any more scrapes to give H&B the opportunity to kick her out, has she?”

  Told him that no, apart from irritating the arse off me, she seemed to be keeping a fairly low profile.

  “Of course, Lib, it could be her that’s sending the texts, couldn’t it? Have you thought about that? She’s never really liked you has she? Remember your run-in with her at the ball last year, ‘Mrs Bloody Perfect’?”

  Told him I’d already considered her as the culprit but didn’t think she was that stupid. And how could I forget the incident with her last year? She was paralytic in the ladies loos, bum and sparkly G-string on show as she threw up, telling me how much she envied me. It’ll be a long time before that image fades!

  “No, Ned, I really don’t think she’d do something like that,” I continued. “She only does stuff if there’s something in it for her. What would she gain from the texts?”

  “Seeing ‘Mrs Bloody Perfect’ suffer, of course. Think about it, Lib. It makes sense. And if it was her, it would give H&B the final nail in the coffin to get rid of her.”

  Went to bed with Ned’s words resounding in my head, but I’m still not convinced.

  Saturday 6th June

  Back to school on Monday to limp through to the summer. This term seems to be dragging already and, quite frankly, I can’t wait to see the end of it. Our Tuscan retreat has never seemed so inviting - we all need the break and the thought of being text-free with my second mobile is wonderful.

  Fenella and Josh are going to join us with the kids for a few days while we’re out there and I’m so excited to see what they’ll think of our place - it really is quite special and I regularly put up silent thanks to Auntie
Maisie for making it possible for us. What a difference she made to our lives.

  PM

  We’d received an invite to a cocktail party at Shergar’s tonight, but we Anti-Meemies decided to boycott it. Well, we didn’t actually say as much - we just decided we couldn’t be arsed to go and we’d have our own little party at Fenella and Josh’s.

  Methinks we must be learning! ‘Stay away from that which winds you up’.

  Sunday 7th June

  Feeling a little liverish this morning and serves us all right.

  Fenella really is the most dreadful influence on all of us. When she says “drink”, we all say “how much?” and that is a question that should never be put to Fenella.

  Really should go through my notes in preparation for the big CCL handover - no more school fundraising for us. It will be ‘Mummies to Mikhail’s Rescue’ next term and I’m thoroughly looking forward to it.

  The only notes I can actually think of handing over to the next CCL head wouldn’t be of much use anyway:

  MY TIPS ON FUNDRAISING AT MANOR HOUSE

  Never expect anyone to do anything they say they’ll do - it will only lead to disappointment.

  When monies are promised don’t expect to receive them - the ‘offering’ of charitable funds makes parents look caring (and affluent). The act of actually extracting the money is like getting Bollinger from a Swarovski crystal.

  Expect meetings to drag on, as every topic other than those on the agenda will be discussed. You can learn to be strong but you still won’t shut them up.

  Find an ally and partner in crime to keep you sane - stock up on booze and fags and you’ll be fine.

  Don’t think I’d manage to sell the position to anyone with that advice.

  Oh well, not my problem.

  Monday 8th June

  Back to school

  Actually managed to put together a proper folder for our CCL successors. Hinge & Bracket have said that they’ve had no offers to take over the positions, which doesn’t surprise me in the least.

  Half of the school don’t even approve of CCL and the other half are too far up their own backsides to give a toss about fundraising.

  Still, whatever happens, I won’t be doing another year.

  PM

  Ned and I shared a bottle of rather yummy Aussie wine and chatted about my handing over the reins.

  “You’ve done a great job, Lib. You should feel really proud of yourself and I bet you’ll do just as good a job for Mikhail.”

  Told him that I was slightly panicked by the idea - not so easy to fundraise outside of the safe confines of a captive (and affluent) school audience.

  Ned helped himself to another of the delicacies I’d made earlier and said, through a mouthful of Nigella’s ‘Moist Mound’, “Ah, I’m sure Fenella will come up with heaps of ideas and Olga is already hard at it. You’ll be fine, Lib.”

  And I think we probably will. We’re practically experts now and we can always get Fenella out busking or doing a stint at Spearmint Rhino - with her whip …

  Tuesday 9th June

  Had lunch with Fenella and she said that Josh’s company are happy to get involved with Mikhail’s fundraising in any way they can - apparently the MD has a nephew suffering from the same condition and he wants to support any further research. Looks like we might have a Christmas Ball to organise and several other evenings designed to coax City gents into parting with their money.

  Ned was right, Fenella always delivers the goods.

  Wednesday 10th June

  Final CCL meeting - Hooray!

  I was chatting to Fenella and Patience at the school gates this morning when we saw Gestapo hauling her lycra-clad bum along with her personal trainer.

  And it was just as she passed us in a cloud of foul perfume that I received a text.

  YOU’VE NEVER BELONGED. I WANT YOU GONE.

  Don’t even think Gestapo could be that sneaky to be able to jog and text surreptitiously - it’s definitely not her making my life hell.

  Burst into tears there and then. It was a text that was just slightly too threatening for my liking.

  Fenella and Patience bundled me into the car and we set off for emergency coffee (and fags for me and Fenella).

  Told them I just couldn’t take it anymore and, as Fenella added a hefty slug of brandy to my coffee she said, “Libby, if you feel intimidated - and I must admit that last one was pretty heavy - you should go to the police. You did nothing to be ashamed of - a quick snog or two - you don’t deserve to be going through hell like this.”

  Patience agreed as she handed me another tissue. “Fenella’s right, Lib. The texts are getting nastier and I think it’s time for formal action.”

  Decided I’d talk to Ned after the CCL meeting tonight - and I want to go to that like I want a Brazilian.

  Thursday 11th June

  I’ve only just got up and it’s gone eleven.

  Ned took Max to school and Fenella will collect him.

  I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to show my face at the school again.

  I don’t even want to relive last night’s events, but I have to just to convince myself it wasn’t all a bad dream.

  I arrived, slightly late, to find H&B, Shergar, Barbie, Dress-up Mummy and Letchy in a whispered discussion which ended abruptly upon my entrance.

  Dan joined us just after and sat in the only available seat, next to me.

  It was then that I noticed that the seats had been set up deliberately and we appeared to be facing judge and jury.

  H&B looked rather embarrassed and unwilling to kick off the meeting so, in my capacity as head of CCL, I stood and addressed the group.

  “The talent show was clearly a great success. Perhaps our treasurer would be able to give us the final tally up for the night?” I gestured to Shergar and sat down.

  I’ll never forget the accusatory look on her face or the words which sprang from her mouth as she stood to speak.

  “Sadly, I’m unable to give you any figures for the year as there has been a theft. There should have been in the region of seven thousand pounds in the school safe but, when I went to collect it on Monday, it had been taken. All of it. From my recollections, the last people to have access to the safe were Libby and Dan. I’m sure you will remember I asked you both to place monies in the safe on the night?”

  We both nodded, speechless.

  She smiled smugly and continued to address the captivated assembly. “I’m not sure if anyone here is aware, but our Head of CCL has been staying behind for a spot of ‘detention’ with Mr Rooney here, haven’t you Libby?”

  H&B took an audible intake of breath and Letchy sprung to attention. Smut! His favourite topic was on tonight’s agenda.

  I couldn’t formulate an answer - it simply wouldn’t come - and the relief I felt when Dan took to his feet was so immense I would have hugged him if I didn’t think it would go even further against us.

  Dan cleared his throat. “I admit that Libby and I became friends - close friends - but nothing happened between us. She was going through a bad time and I helped her come to terms with it, I hope.” He looked at me and I nodded. “But to imply that we’ve stolen charity money is an absolute insult. We’ve been framed.”

  Shergar stood to speak again but Hinge took over. “I thank you for your honesty, Dan and I accept your explanation. Libby, I’m sure this is deeply embarrassing for you and I feel that we should go no further with this issue tonight. We shall make our own investigations into the matter and re-adjourn next Wednesday with our findings. The meeting is closed.”

  Shergar looked most put out - she’d clearly hoped to prolong our agony and for the police to arrive and make an immediate arrest.

  Left the meeting feeling very shaky and desperate to get home to Ned. Dan tried to talk to me as I left but I didn’t want to look the fool by bursting into tears.

  I had to get home.

  Friday 12th June

  Still unable to face the school an
d, if that makes me look guilty, I don’t give a flying fuck.

  Fenella has been great, dropping and collecting Max and also offering moral support.

  “We know you didn’t do it, Sweedie. That’s all that matters. The truth will out, trust me.”

  I was just scrubbing the floor for the third time when a fleeting thought came to me.

  I know I didn’t take the money but I’d left Dan at the safe.