The Darker Side of Mummy Misfit #2

by Amanda Egan

  I don’t know he didn’t take it.

  Saturday 13th June

  Oh, this is just all too horrible. I can’t believe that Dan could be capable of taking the money, and I certainly don’t want to drop him in it by telling H&B I left him at the safe, but I really can’t think of any other plausible explanation.

  Had F&J round last night for ‘cheer me up’ drinks and I shared my thoughts.

  Fenella was quick to answer and I might have seen a hint of ‘Cagey Fenella’ - I can’t be sure, but I’ve seen it often enough and should be aware of the signs by now.

  “No, Sweedie. I think you’re barking up the wrong tree there. Dan’s too decent. You were both framed. But I’ve told you, it will all come out in the wash. We won’t be visiting you in Holloway just yet!”

  Still not convinced, but if Fenella says it will be OK, who am I to argue? She’s usually spot on.

  Just hope her radar’s right this time.

  Sunday 14th June

  Boring, lazy day. Drifted through it with a heavy cloud of gloom hanging over me and wishing Wednesday would just get here quick - I want this over.

  Max did nothing to brighten my mood when he calmly said in the bath, “Do I have to go to school tomorrow? I don’t like it anymore and neither does Todd.”

  WHAT??!!

  Instantly thought that word had got out that his mother was a thieving tart and it had filtered through to the kids.

  Managed to stay very contained and not put any words in his mouth.

  “What’s brought this on, Hun? Why have you gone off school?”

  He flipped and flapped the flannel through the bubbles and eventually answered me. “The other children started being really mean to Solomon again and we don’t like it.”

  With this, he ducked under the bubbles and his little head disappeared.

  This gave me time to assimilate my thoughts.

  It wasn’t gossip about me, it was racism again.

  PM

  Settled Max in bed and told him school would be fine - I’d have a word with his teacher and make it all better. Isn’t that what mums are meant to do?

  Grabbed a glass of wine and a ciggie and called Fenella to see if Todd had been talking too.

  “Don’t even get me started, Lib. I am INCANDESCENT with rage! Just put Todd to bed in floods of tears saying he never wants to go back there again. Why aren’t the teachers onto this? I thought we’d got it all sorted the first time.”

  Asked her if she’d spoken to Patience and she said she hadn’t. “The last thing I want to do is upset her now she’s pregnant. Wondered if perhaps it might be a good idea for you to give Pritesh a call and see if everything’s OK.”

  Agreed that I would and I’d call back if there was anything to report.

  “OK, Sweedie. Josh and I are just having a bit of a family crisis meeting. I’m off to open another bottle. Thank God I’m not breast-feeding! Darcy would be permanently pissed!”

  Called Pritesh only to find that things were a lot worse than we thought.

  “Libby, I’ve got Patience and Solomon in floods of tears. The kids have started being really nasty and Patience is ready to take him out of the school. I’ll stand by whatever she decides but I don’t know what to say to her. I just feel like going to the school tomorrow and kicking the little shits’ heads in, I’m so angry.”

  Put the phone down from Pritesh and went to have my own ‘family crisis meeting’ with Ned.

  Our problems had suddenly become a whole lot bigger.

  Monday 15th June

  Kept Max off school. I’ve never given in before but this time I felt it was the right thing to do.

  Was relieved to receive texts from both Fenella and Patience to say that they’d done the same.

  I honestly don’t know how to sort this whole sorry mess. Ned thinks we should just pull Max out of school straight away and deal with the consequences afterwards.

  “Let’s face it, Lib, have we ever truly been happy there? Think about it, there’s always been something. Up until now Max has been happy, which was the most important thing to us, but I don’t want him exposed to nastiness like that. We really need to consider our options.”

  Told him I totally agreed but, if we pulled Max out with immediate effect, it would instantly make me look guilty of a crime I didn’t commit.

  Felt a bit unnerved by the way Ned agreed with me.

  Bugger, this is complicated.

  Tuesday 16th June

  Max off again today with a bit of a sniffle - that’s our excuse and we’re sticking to it.

  Feeling very edgy about the meeting tomorrow and keep wondering what H&B will have discovered - if anything.

  So many things to think about and so many decisions to make.

  We’ve got Patience and Pritesh’s wedding to look forward to at the weekend and I’m finding it hard to drum up any enthusiasm. And I’ve got to make the blasted cake.

  Me and my big mouth!

  Wednesday 17th June

  Emergency CCL meeting

  Went to see Mrs S to take my mind off tonight’s meeting. Took Max with me as he’s still ‘not feeling up to much’. Cough, cough!

  Well if I didn’t have much ‘oomph’ in me about the wedding before, I certainly have now!

  Mrs S is bubbling over with excitement. Skunk and Silver took her to Southall to buy a new sari for the occasion and she told me she didn’t want to show it to me because she wanted to keep it as a surprise.

  “My Pritesh is going to make such a handsome groom and I am so happy that he is becoming a daddy. I tried so hard to get you to be my daughter-in-law but it was not to be, was it Libbybeta? I am liking Patience very much and I think she will be very good for my son.”

  Agreed that they seemed to be very happy together and reminded her that I could never have got involved with Pritesh.

  “Yes, yes, Libbybeta, I know! You are a married woman. I think I am accepting this now and I am just happy that we are such good friends.”

  Finally! Mrs S has seen the light. Just as well really, because it might have made things a bit tricky between me and Patience if she’d persisted with the match-making.

  Well that’s one less problem to deal with. Now off to the meeting to deal with another.

  Thursday 18th June

  Wanted to get all this down on paper when I got in last night but my head was reeling and I was in need of a stiff drink. The stiff drink turned into several, along with Ned, Fenella and Josh. I think we’re probably all feeling a little worse for wear and slightly shell-shocked this morning.

  Soooo … last night.

  I arrived at the meeting early as I didn’t want to walk into the room like the ‘condemned man’ again.

  After I’d set up the table and chairs, I sat and waited.

  Eventually the usual suspects arrived with Shergar looking decidedly self-assured and ready to face the evening head on.

  I was slightly surprised to see Fenella walk in with H&B after the rest of us were seated - she hadn’t attended any meetings since having Darcy and hadn’t said she’d be joining us at this one.

  Then I spotted ‘the look’ - it was 100% ‘cagey’!

  Hinge welcomed us to the final meeting of the academic year and said they would like to hand over to Fenella. Shergar looked suitably put out and tapped her pencil on the table. “I rather think we should be dealing with the issue of the stolen money before we attempt any other business, don’t you?”

  Hinge smiled and added slowly. “That’s exactly what we intend to do.”

  Fenella stood and pulled her sweater down over her ample bosom. Letchy leered and Dan had the decency to avert his eyes.

  “I’ve been doing a little investigative work and it’s proved to be very interesting. Both Libby and Dan have been receiving some rather, how shall we say, unpleasant texts over the last couple of months. Texts that should probably have been reported to the police weeks ago but, instead, were allowed to continue and cause
hurt. You’d know all about that though, wouldn’t you?” And she turned to Shergar like a lawyer in a court (God she was good!)

  It was then that I saw Fenella struggle to remember her real name - she couldn’t really continue with her accusations calling her Shergar!

  “Yes Tamara. You’ve never liked Libby, have you? You’ve never liked her because she’s good and fair and decent and everything that you’re not. That’s why, when you found out about her minor misdemeanour, you started sending the texts and that’s why you framed her. She didn’t take the money and neither did Dan and you know it.” She paused, in typical court style. “You know she didn’t … because you did.”

  Barbie, Dress-up Mummy and Letchy looked as shocked as I felt.

  Shergar spluttered but, before she could speak, Fenella went for the jugular. (I could really see a new career for her!)

  “YOU took the money and booked yourself in for a little ‘downstairs work’, didn’t you?” She looked at the rest of us, adding “and I don’t mean she wanted to get her cellar renovated! How do I know this, you might ask? Well firstly I saw you leaving the school office much later than Libby and Ned on the night of the talent show. I didn’t think much of it at the time but things started to fall into place after you’d made your accusations. I also recalled a conversation I’d overheard you having with another mother a few months back discussing how you’d have a, forgive me, ‘designer vagina’ if you could only come up with the cash.”

  Shergar was looking suitably guilty at this point and going redder by the minute. Letchy appeared to be mentally making notes to Google ‘designer vaginas’ when he got home.

  Fenella was loving this now and, I have to say, I was having a pretty good time too - far better than I’d imagined.

  “The rest,” she continued, “comes down to good old coincidence. I’m booked in to have these monstrosities,” she gestured to her boobs, “reduced next month and the consultant happens to be a very dear friend of my husband.”

  Found myself thinking ‘sneaky cow’, she never told me! Probably because she knew I’d disapprove and try to talk her out of it. I’d have forgiven her anything at that point though - she was brilliant!

  Fenella was reaching her peak now. “Yes, it was all perfect really. A few phone calls and I had all the information I needed. Very helpful to have people ‘in the know’ of course. Your little op is booked for August in a Harley Street clinic and is costing roughly the amount that’s missing from the safe - well, that combined with the raffle prize for surgery which you also wrangled. Coincidence that, isn’t it?” And with that, she sat down with a satisfied smile.

  Hinge took to her feet and looked at Shergar. “Do you have anything to add, Tamara?”

  Shergar had the good grace to shake her head, realising her cover had been well and truly blown. Stupid me, actually felt a little sorry for how pathetic she was.

  Hinge took over from there. “Well, needless to say, the police have been informed and they will be dealing with the issue from hereon in. I must say it saddens me to see such blatant disrespect for fundraising and the caring individuals such as Libby and Fenella who devote so much time to it. This school is certainly not what it used to be and such behaviour makes a mockery of CCL - I wouldn’t want a child of mine treated to an education at Manor House the way it stands at the present moment.”

  I have to say, I felt a little unnerved by that statement. If the co-owners of the school were disappointed in it, where did that leave the rest of us?

  But nothing prepared me for the next shocker when she continued with, “Not only do we have theft within our school, we also have greed, one-upmanship, bragging, snobbery and now, I’m ashamed to hear, racism. This is quite simply not the school that Mrs Hardy and I set up fifteen years ago and it is for this reason that we have made the decision to bow out of the education system. We’ve been considering our options for some time and, effective from the Autumn term, Manor House will be under new ownership.”

  The room fell into stunned silence. This really was breaking news.

  Fenella spoke first.

  “Well, I’d like to thank both you and Mrs Hardy for your honesty. You’ve both done everything in your power to continue making this the school of your dreams. Sadly there are too many out there looking to ruin it. Your news makes my announcement far easier to make as I feel such huge loyalty and respect for you both - my husband and I will be removing Todd from school with immediate effect.” She turned and looked at me “Patience Umbolo will also be removing Solomon and I think I know Libby’s feelings on this matter.”

  All eyes were on me and I knew it was time to be a grown-up mummy and finally voice my opinions.

  I vaguely remember standing shakily and nervously clearing my throat.

  “When Ned and I decided to sacrifice everything for Max’s education we were convinced we were doing the right thing. This was a lovely school back then. OK, there were a few who made my life hell because I ‘didn’t belong’, but Max was happy here and that was all that mattered to us. Things have changed here over the last few months. Things that have made us doubt if we’d chosen the right path. We don’t want our son brought up believing that you’re a nobody if you don’t have a yacht or a villa. And we certainly don’t want him brought up with discrimination of any form. We want a decent little boy who knows right from wrong and, despite Mrs Montague and Mrs Hardy’s best efforts, I feel external influences are affecting the tolerant ethics of the school. So, yes, Fenella, you do know my thoughts on the matter. We will also be removing Max from Manor House and I, too, thank both heads for everything they’ve done in the past and wish them well in the future.”

  I sat down, speech over and totally exhausted. I’d done it! I’d struck a blow for decency and let them all know exactly how I’d been made to feel.

  Finally … finally I knew I wasn’t a Mummy Misfit anymore.

  Hinge thanked me as she stood again. “One final point which needs to be made is that sadly the new owners have decided not to continue with CCL. The children who are already attending the school on this basis will be allowed to continue and Mr Umbolo has agreed to continue funding a child if the racial issues are fully addressed and dealt with. I feel that this is more than generous under the circumstances.”

  Generous and gracious, I thought.

  The meeting wrapped up pretty quickly after that with Shergar sloping off, head down and kisses and hugs from the rest of us to H&B.

  Fenella and I made our way to our cars in silence.

  Then she turned to me and said, “So, the local primary then? How do we feel about that?”

  I didn’t answer her. I needed a drink and time to think.

  All I knew was, I hated the local primary and its poor academic record - that’s what had got us in this mess in the first place.

  Friday 19th June

  Sports Day

  The kids would have been going to Manor House’s sports day today, so we Anti-Meemies decided to organise one of our own. Think we’re all still a little numbed by the last few days but the kids are finding it wildly exciting.

  Sports day seems an excellent idea to burn off some of their excess energy and for us mums to get together for a chat.

  PM

  Well there will probably never have been a sports day like it but we had an absolute ball.

  We met on the common at lunchtime - me with Max and dogs, Fenella with brood and her dogs, Patience & Solomon and Rachel & Betsy.

  The weather was glorious, a beautifully warm and cloudless day with a slight breeze. We set up camp with our assorted cloths, food and sports gear and unpacked our lunch.

  What a contrast to last year, when the competitiveness ran through not only the sports but the chosen outfits, the food, the drink and even the choice of Cath Kidston picnic blankets.

  There was no caviar or smoked salmon for us - just good old bog standard sandwiches and crisps. Although we did have wine and champers - we had lots to celebrate.
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  Once more, I thought how much can change in the space of a year.

  The kids had great fun with the various races and challenges we set them and Fenella won the mummy race - of course! Is there anything that woman can’t turn her hand (or legs) to?

  The long afternoon turned into early evening and the kids were happily playing in the pop-up-tents we’d taken along. Fenella suggested we ring our menfolk and get them to join us with more booze and a take-away.

  “Come on,” she said, “let’s make a party of it. It can be a mixed hen and stag night for Patience and Pritesh and, let’s face it, it’s not every day you find yourself without a school for your kids!”