Unmatchable

by Sky Corgan

  I can't wait to wipe that 'I told you so' expression off of her face.

  “Alex showed up at my apartment last night.” I look past her out the window. The area behind the building is heavily overgrown with trees. It gives the illusion of a calming forest, even though there are more office buildings just a few yards away.

  “Alex?” She flips through my chart.

  “My best friend from high school.” I remind her, not the least bit surprised that she forgot who he is. The vast majority of my appointments have been spent talking about my brother and my family. Mentions of Alex have been few and far between. I told her that he was my support system, but he has never been the focus of any of our conversations except for in the beginning when I talked to her regarding my feelings about him.

  She finds the page on my chart with notes about him and scans through it, her eyes moving back and forth at a quick pace. “How did he find you?”

  “Probably the internet.” I gesture absentmindedly.

  “Ah.” She nods slowly. “And how did that go?”

  I pour out the details of our conversation to her, leaving not a sentence unspoken. Just telling someone else what happened makes me feel a little better. That's not what I'm here for, though. I'm here for guidance—to hear her say that I'm doing the right thing by ignoring what happened. I'm not sure why I need that validation, but I do.

  “How did that make you feel?” she asks, dutifully playing the part of the psychologist.

  “Shitty. The whole thing made me feel shitty.”

  “That's understandable. You hadn't expected to be confronted with something like that. What exactly made you feel shitty about it?”

  “I feel guilty because I didn't apologize to Alex for just disappearing. Yet at the same time, I don't feel like I owe him that. It should go without saying why I did what I did.”

  “Do you think he understands why you left the way you did?”

  “Yes and no. I think he understands, but I'm not sure he accepts it.”

  “Maybe you should open a dialogue with him about it. It would be a good thing to apologize, even if you don't fully mean it. At least, then he'll know that you have remorse but that you felt you had no choice.”

  “I suppose you're right.” I shift my weight.

  She glances back down at my chart. “Are you still attracted to him?”

  “What?” The question catches me off guard.

  “It says here that you used to be attracted to him. He was your high school crush. The only guy you ever loved.”

  My heart sinks as I think about it. I did say that. There was a time when I loved Alex. He was my everything. The only safe haven I had in an otherwise monstrous world. It was only natural that I loved him. Now, with three years passed since we last saw each other, he's a stranger to me. I do still care about him, but I couldn't say that I love him. Find him attractive? Yes. But I would never throw away what I have with Colton to pursue him.

  The fact that Doctor Spalding does not have an unbiased opinion on the matter makes me not want to answer her. I fear that whatever I say could get back to Colton, so I don't feel like I can be truthful. While it's not the first time I've realized that her connection to Colton has mucked up our doctor/patient relationship, it is the first time I've been forced to acknowledge that it's time for me to start shopping for a new psychologist. As long as Colton and I are together, her opinions of my situations will not be objective.

  “I don't love him anymore,” is all that I can manage to tell her.

  “That's not what I asked. I asked if you're still attracted to him.”

  “Even if I were, it wouldn't matter. I'm with Colton now, and Alex is just passing through.”

  “I was just curious is all,” she says innocently. “On to the subject of your brother. Do you plan to meet with him?”

  “Absolutely not,” my voice shines through with the same umbrage as when Alex asked me that question.

  “And why not?”

  I blink a few times, looking at her as if it should be obvious why not. “That bastard doesn't deserve my time of day.”

  “Do you not believe that he has actually changed?”

  “Whether I believe it or not is irrelevant. The fact remains the same that I don't want to see him.”

  “Maybe you're not ready yet.” She quirks her head to the side in thought.

  “I'll never be ready. I never want to see him again.” I hug the pillow tighter.

  “I know this isn't what you want to hear,” she hesitates, “but if he has changed, then it might be a good idea for you to see him. If you continue to avoid him, you're always going to have a fear of seeing him again, and that fear will have power over you. It's obvious that it has power over you right now. The thought of seeing him has caused you to panic and wrecked your day. I think that if you saw him, it might be a healing experience for the both of you.”

  This is exactly what I didn't want to hear. Part of me can't help but wonder if she's suggesting it purely out of spite for me being with Colton. I know better than that, though. Anyone who has ever opened a book on psychology knows that facing your fears is the best way to get over them.

  I don't really fear Nelson. Do I? I just hate him.

  “I'm not ready,” I reply decidedly.

  “Well,” she inhales a deep breath, “that is completely up to you. I am just giving you my professional opinion on the matter. There's a chance that you'll have to face him at some point in your life. It might be good to get over it now so that it's not hanging over your head.”

  I consider her words for a moment.

  “What if it doesn't go well? What if he's just as much of an asshole as I remember?”

  “Then you'll know that he's not ready.”

  This isn't about him, I think bitterly. It should be about me. I'm the one who was wounded. I'm the victim in all of this.

  I sigh. “We'll see. Probably not, but we'll see.”

  “Just keep an open mind about it. Okay?” She smiles at me.

  “I'll try.”

  “And how about you and Colton? How are things going with that?”

  I set the pillow back down on the sofa and stand to dig in my purse for my wallet. “I didn't come here for that.”

  ***

  If my appointment with Doctor Spalding was supposed to bring me clarity, it didn't work. I spend the rest of the night and all of the next day trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do. When I walked into Doctor Spalding's office, my resolve to never speak to Nelson again was strong. Now I'm wondering if it would be more beneficial for me to meet him than to keep avoiding him. Heaven knows I don't want to, though.

  I try to clear my mind for my afternoon with Colton, but that's easier said than done. While he already knows about my baggage, this isn't something I wanted to have to face so early in our relationship. Seeming uncollected around him isn't going to do me any favors in regards to getting him to want to stick around.

  When he opens the door to me, I can barely muster up a smile. He looks absolutely dreamy in a gray shirt and slacks.

  He picks up on my mood instantly, his happy expression changing to concern. “What's wrong?”

  There's no point in pussyfooting around the subject. “My brother is in town.”

  He pulls his eyebrows together. “The one who sold you for drugs?”

  “That's the one.”

  He steps forward and wraps his hands around my shoulders, scanning my face. “Do you want me to go kick his ass?”

  I laugh trying to picture Mister Perfect Billionaire in a fight. He has the muscles, but I'm pretty sure they're all for show.

  I force a grin. “I'm not even sure where he's staying. And even if I was, I'm not sure I'd want that type of confrontation. I wouldn't want you to get hurt or in trouble because of me.”

  “Are you saying I couldn't take him?”

  I shake my head and laugh. “Last I remember, he was a skinny little shit, but I wouldn't put it past him to sh
ank you. That kid has never played fair.”

  “Miscreants usually don't,” there's clear disdain in his voice.

  “I don't know what to do, Colton.” I rest my head against his chest.

  He embraces me, making me feel protected and warm. It's exactly what I needed him to do, and I honestly wasn't sure he would. We've only known each other for a short time, and sometimes he still feels like a stranger to me.

  “Let's go sit and talk about your options.” He pulls away from me to lead me to the sofa in his living room.

  We lower ourselves onto it, and he keeps my hands clasped in his. It's comforting—makes me think that he actually cares about my problems.

  “Options,” I draw out the s while I think. “There aren't many of them. I could see him. I could not see him.”

  “So you haven't seen him yet?”

  “I have not.”

  “Then how do you know he's in town?”

  “One of our mutual friends stopped by. Apparently, they work together now and are in town for business.”

  “Do you want to see him?” He brushes his fingers over the tops of mine.

  I open my mouth to speak but then stop, reluctant to mention that I went to see Doctor Spalding. Knowing that she still has an effect on Colton makes me want to avoid the subject. Part of me thinks it's important to be completely honest, though.

  “Not really,” I reply finally. “I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do, though. Supposedly, he has changed. That's what my friend said, at least. Found God and turned over a new leaf. Is regretful for what he's done to me and wants to make amends.” I cradle my face in my hands, sighing deeply. “I just don't know. It's so hard for me to believe. I mean, I want to believe it. I need to believe that everyone has the capacity for change. But at the same time, the thought of seeing him hurts me so much. I'm still afraid of him.”

  “If you want, I could be there with you.” He rests his arm behind me on the sofa.

  “You would do that?” I perk up a bit, admittedly surprised that he'd offer. That must mean I mean a lot to him. More than just a passing fling.

  “Of course, I would. I care about you, Ember. I always want you to feel safe.”

  I have to fight back the tears threatening to well up in my eyes. The surge of emotion that hits me is nothing short of annoying. I've just been so overwhelmed lately.

  “I don't know what I want to do yet, but I'll let you know when I do.” I fan my eyes a bit.

  “Don't cry over it. Everything will be okay.” He leans forward to scoop me up onto his lap. The way he's able to do it so effortlessly makes me feel as light as a feather. Maybe his muscles aren't all just for show after all.

  “Thank you, Colton. Sincerely. Knowing that you're willing to be there for me does make a huge difference.”

  “You're welcome. I'm sure you'd do the same for me.”

  “I would.” I nod.

  “Now, what do you want to do for the rest of the evening? I know I can think of some things.” He presses his forehead against my shoulder, and I can see the devious smirk spreading across his lips.

  “Of course, your mind would go straight to sex.” I roll my eyes and playfully push him.

  “I have an insatiable libido. I worry it will make you sick of me.” He gazes up at me beneath thick lashes.

  “I don't think I could ever get sick of you.” I wrap my arms around his neck and stare at him. I'm so incredibly smitten with him. The way he makes me feel inside—I never want it to end.

  “Never say never,” he teases.

  “I'm worried you'll get sick of me eventually.”

  “Nah.” He scrunches up his face.

  Even though he says that, I can't be sure.

  Thankfully, instead of trying to cook for me again, Colton orders Chinese take-out. We sit at his dining room table, barely saying a word as we pass around the little cardboard boxes, sampling everything. He ordered a lot of food, far more than two people could eat in one sitting.

  Once we're done eating and put the rest of the food in the refrigerator, we move back to the sofa to watch a movie. When Colton gives me the option of choosing what we watch, I settle for a horror movie. We cuddle up together, and I soak in his warmth. I clutch his side when I know the scary parts are coming up and bury my face against his chest. After a while, he decides to have some fun with it, purposely trying to scare me whenever he thinks I've let my guard down. It's kind of a dick thing to do, but I also find it endearing.

  After the movie, we head out onto the balcony to look at the city lights. It's truly a beautiful view, and I'm sure Colton pays a fortune for it.

  “Wine for the lady.” He offers me a glass of white wine. In his other hand is his brandy.

  I take the glass from him and sip the contents. It's a bit too dry for my taste, but I try not to let it show. “Thank you.”

  “You've very welcome.” He leans against the railing beside me and swirls the dark amber in his snifter.

  “So cultured.” I gaze down at the wide-bottomed stemware.

  “It's important to use the right tool for the right job.” He lifts the glass up to me.

  “I think that's more relevant in a carpentry sense.”

  “Maybe so. It pleases me to use the right tool for the right job, though.” There's a glimmer in his eyes, and I know that his mind has gone straight to the gutter.

  “We're not talking about drinking brandy anymore, are we?” I wrinkle my nose.

  “No. I suppose we're not.” He walks up behind me and envelopes me in his arms before taking a deep breath of the night air.

  “I'll never get over how beautiful it is up here.” I curl my fingers around his forearm.

  “I'll never get over how beautiful you are.” He kisses my ear.

  “Such a charmer, you are.”

  “Is it working?”

  “Maybe just a little.” I pinch my fingers together.

  “Good.”

  We stand there for a while longer, silently draining our glasses. I'm ever aware of Colton's erection pressing firmly against my ass. He started getting hard the moment he stepped up behind me. Now he's at full attention. I know where things are headed—that I won't be leaving here tonight without passing through his bedroom. It's a strangely comforting thought, not because I'm particularly horny but because being with him intimately makes us feel closer on an emotional level.

  Colton finishes his brandy and sets his glass down to pull me even tighter against him. His lips find my neck, and he kisses me tenderly. “I want to take you right here.”

  “In front of all of these people.”

  “What people?” He glances over my shoulder before returning to kissing me. “They're just lights.”

  “Lights of buildings, yes. With people in those buildings.” I crane my head for his kisses.

  “I don't care who sees us,” he whispers in my ear, sending a shiver straight down my spine that settles at my core. When the realization hits me that I don't care who sees us either, I feel kind of liberated.

  I set my glass next to Colton's and turn in his arms, gazing up at him with desire. Then I fall to my knees in front of him and start unbuckling his pants. His body tenses for a minute, and I see a flash of excitement in his expression. I'm happy that I can surprise him like this. He totally didn't see this coming. To be honest, neither did I, but I'm enjoying being adventurous.

  My heart pounds in my chest as I pull his hard cock out of his slacks. This will be the first blowjob that I've ever given, and I'm more than a little terrified that I'm going to mess it up. What's worse is I don't even really have a reference to go by. I've avoided reading articles about sex and watching porn ever since I realized what a horrible thing sex can be. Now I'm having to act on pure instinct.

  It's not rocket science, Ember. Just stick it in your mouth and suck.

  I try not to look too inexperienced as I take a deep breath and start kissing down his length. Colton's skin feels like velvet beneath my lips,
a stark contrast to the thickness beneath. I close my eyes and let my passion for him move me. My lips explore him and then my tongue follows suit.

  I must be doing something right because every once in a while, Colton moans. He slips his fingers into my hair, more resting his hand there than guiding me.

  After kissing and licking every inch of him, I take him into my mouth. His girth makes my jaw ache a bit, but I'm not about to give up because of a little discomfort. I work my muscles around him, bobbing my head back and forth. His grip tightens on my hair, and he bucks his hips every now and then, but for the most part, he gives me control. I'm glad that he's patient with me. Glad that he sounds like he's enjoying it.

  I stay on my knees for a good ten minutes, listening to the seductive little pleasure noises he makes. I never imagined I could be so turned on from hearing a man moan, but it has definitely gotten my juices flowing. Blowing him is surprisingly sexy. I had honestly thought that it would be something I'd hate doing. Knowing that it feels so good to him makes me want to keep going. My jaw is getting too sore, though, and I'm ready to move on to other things.

  I stand, and Colton immediately scoops me up in his arms, carrying me into the bedroom before throwing me onto the bed. I laugh as I bounce on the mattress. He crawls over me like a tiger stalking prey. It's not long before he's silencing me with kisses and I'm lost in the euphoria of the moment.

  I peel his shirt over his head, wanting to feel and see his hard body. The urgency with which we strip each other down turns into a contest. It's like someone turned a burner on from low to high in one twist. The passion ignited between us is unlike anything I've felt before.

  There's no slow seduction this time. No making sure that I'm okay. Of course, my body language tells Colton that I'm perfectly fine. More than fine. I want him. There's no hesitation in my actions whatsoever.

  Within minutes, he's inside of me. I cry out as he goes deep on the first thrust. My back presses into the mattress while he grinds on top of me, his pubic bone crushing into my clit and causing me to shatter around him. The fact that I came so quickly brings a blush to my cheeks. Shooting off in less than ten seconds is supposed to be a teenage boy thing, but I can't seem to control myself around him.