Devastate

by Valentine, Marley

  While I figure out the best way to make things work with Lior, I have a perfectly salvageable relationship here with Elliot. And I owe it to him to tell him about his brother. I break the silence first. “I should’ve realized my relationship and issues with James weren’t yours. Even if I didn’t want to talk about it I should have never kept this stuff from you.”

  He begins to open some of the boxes in front of him, pulling out photos and football jerseys, things I forgot I even had.

  “If you have any questions, you just let me know okay? Either way, that’s all yours.”

  “What about you?” he asks. “I took the few things I needed; some little tokens from when we were dating, our wedding photo album and photos of him with Bella.” There was so much hurt in our marriage, I only want to remember the happier times.

  “Evie, I want you to know you’ve come so far in the last month. And when you changed so did I. I wouldn't have made that change if it wasn’t for you.” He stands up, sitting beside me instead of in front of me. He wraps his arms around my shoulders and squeezes. “For every apology we owe each other, double it with a thank you because that’s how living with you has been for me.” I can’t help but cry at his words, it’s such a relief to finally be going through all the excess baggage.

  “Geez,” I say wiping my eyes. “This feelings thing is no joke.” We both laugh at my sarcasm.

  “I’ve still got one more thing to show you,” I tell Elliot. “Just put on some warm clothes and we’ll be on our way.”

  It takes us less than an hour to finally arrive at the cemetery. I don’t know if Elliot has been here before, but I hope this helps him feel comfortable and part of the family.

  “What are we doing here?” he asks.

  “You'll see soon enough.”

  “How long has it been since you've been here?” he asks me.

  “Before this week, it was a really long time. I used to come and see Bella and completely ignore him here.”

  “And you?” I ask back.

  “I came once a week for a while, but now it's every month.”

  Side by side we stand in front of James’ headstone and I wait for him to notice.

  “Evie”

  “Elliot.”

  He grabs my hand. “Thank you.”

  James Matthew Wright

  You’ll be missed

  Husband | Father | Brother

  July 8th, 1984 - April, 25th 2016

  * * *

  “Still haven’t heard from him?” Court asks.

  “Nothing.”

  “Have you asked Elliot?”

  “No, I don’t want to involve him more than he has to be. And we had a pretty big day, I don’t want to ruin that with my shit.” By the time we got home, it was just past dinnertime and I had told Court to meet us here for pizza. In contradiction to my former life, I don’t really feel like being alone.

  “You know he doesn’t see it like that, you’re both important to him, we all just want to see you guys happy.”

  “We will be,” I say with determination. “I’m giving him space, I’m not giving up.”

  “There’s my girl,” she says nudging me in the shoulder. “How about telling your girl what’s going on with you and The E Man?”

  “Really Evie, The E Man? Are you fluent in dad jokes now?”

  I burst out laughing. “Maybe I am. Just give me something to use as a distraction and tell me what’s up.”

  An audible sigh leaves her mouth. “I wish I knew. He’s so freaking hot and cold and I don’t know if I want to put myself through that right now.”

  “Tell him that then. Put your foot down and demand more.”

  “Seriously, who are you and what have you done with my friend?” Courtney jokes.

  “I may have had a Miss Independent slash Survivor by Destiny's Child type of day yesterday. Seriously though,” I say. “Life is short and shit happens. Don’t waste time fighting it. If you make each other happy, don’t complicate it.”

  “And if it’s only sex?”

  “You had sex?” I shriek.

  “Jesus woman, keep your voice down, he is in the apartment.”

  “Did you have sex?” I whisper. “Where was I? I’m here all the time.”

  “It was that time you slept at Lior’s, Remember? The whole ‘not in his bed’ story.” She puts the end in air quotes with her fingers.

  “Well, to answer your question, if it’s just sex; have a lot of it.”

  “Look at you talking about sex, listening to Destiny’s Child and making jokes. I’ve created a monster,” she says.

  I rest my head on her shoulder. “I think this monster is going to chase Lior. I miss him.”

  “Go get him, tiger.”

  22

  Lior

  Coming into work has been pointless. I spend the day scrolling through the messages I haven’t responded to and then write up responses I never send. Every time my phone beeps I run to it, and every time I see her name I want to run to her. It's completely irrational to be this consumed by someone who doesn't feel the same about you, or does she? When I first laid eyes on Evie, there wasn’t one single thing that had her stand out to me. It was everything about her. She was more like a beacon calling to me. I know how she appeared to everybody else when I met her, but all I saw was a woman that has so much to offer the world. A world that had her in it was a world I wanted to be part of.

  Hearing everything that happened between her and James sliced me in two. And not for the obvious reasons, but for the way Evie viewed herself. She genuinely believed she wasn’t enough, convincing herself it was the truth; in turn, she thought I would too. Standing in her apartment after the rehearsal dinner, she spat out all her anger, her hurt and her secrets with the intention to push me away. And in her eyes, me leaving meant I did exactly what she thought I would. But under the dimmed light, with the tears and the anger; her and I were having two different conversations with different intentions and the need for different outcomes. After I pushed her to talk, she pushed me into leaving. It was a test. She wanted to know whether I could handle her and all her baggage. Whereas I wanted her to share her baggage with me. I wanted some sort of validation we could move forward together. That her past and present could co-exist, so we could both find our future. I keep going backward and forwards on why she thought I would walk away, and even though it might feel that way right now, I needed space. I don't care if she’s a widow. I don’t care if she can’t have kids or doesn’t even want them. I needed space and time to work out what to do next.

  A knock on my office door stops my mind from delving further into questions I don’t have answers to.

  “Come in,” I shout.

  “Hey.” It’s Elliot. Purposefully avoiding him at work, we’ve managed to stay out of each other’s way, until now. He sits in the chair directly in front of my desk, while I intentionally fuck around on my computer.

  “Why haven’t you been answering her texts?” he blurts out.

  “So she told you she’s been texting?” I ask angrily.

  “No, Court told me.”

  “Gotcha. You’re the friend’s boyfriend, so you get an all access pass, now?”

  “Stop being a dick, man.” He leans his forearms on my desk and moves forward. “Firstly, Court and I are not together. Secondly, I came to see if there was anything I could do to help or any messages I could pass on.”

  I take a deep breath and exhale loudly into the room. “You know, I don’t think it would help. I just needed space, and time to process.”

  “Is that time over?” he asks. I shrug and lift my hands in the air. “I don’t know.”

  “I’ve got to get back to work, but if you need anything, just tell me.”

  I nod. “Thanks, man.”

  He turns and walks toward the door. “Elliot,” I call out. Turning around he raises his eyebrows, gesturing for me to continue. “Is she ok?”

  “If you’d asked me that question before she m
et you, I would say no. She’s definitely not ok. Now? I know she will be, but she’d be better with you.”

  As soon as he walks out, I hear the message tone on my cell.

  Evie: How’s your day been?

  * * *

  My nightstand rattles from the vibration of my latest text. I came straight to bed when I got home from work and now I’m awake at some ridiculous hour unable to go back to sleep. I grab the phone and prepare myself for a text from Evie. What I didn’t expect was a follow-up text.

  Evie: When are you going to write back?

  I type, knowing full well the dots will appear on her screen; but instead of pressing send I hold down on the delete button and let the phone be the keeper of everything I want to say back. Getting out of bed, I turn on my laptop that sits on the dining table and walk to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. If I’m going to stay awake, I may as well make myself useful.

  A light knocking sound comes from outside, and I’m sure I’ve imagined it. It’s almost one a.m. and there’s no chance others are awake. But as it gets louder I’m certain it’s coming from my front door. Each step bigger than the other I make it to the door and look through the peephole. It’s Evie. Opening the door I stare at her fragile figure, shivering from the cold.

  “What are you doing?” I ask.

  “I came to see you,” she says like she often visits people this late at night.

  “It’s late and freezing, couldn’t you wait till the morning?” I argue.

  “Don’t you want to see me?” she asks, a tinge of hurt in her tone.

  “What? No, I mean it could’ve waited because it is cold and freezing,” I ramble, trying to explain what I mean without making anything worse.

  “The weather doesn’t matter. What matters is I saw the dots on my phone pop up and then nothing. Tell me, why nothing?” She rubs her hands together to generate warmth, and I notice I’ve yet to invite her in.

  “Shit, Evie come in, it’s cold.” Without thinking twice she walks straight into my apartment, turning around and facing me as I close the door.

  “What were you going to say in the text?” Her eyes never leave me. She’s ready for a fight. I can see it in her posture, and hear it in her tone. But is she fighting for me or with me?

  “I can't remember now,” I lie.

  “Don’t lie.”

  “Evie, there’s a lot of things I’ve wanted to say all fucking week but none of them fix whatever this is,” I explain.

  “Why are you being so cryptic?” she shouts. “Don’t you want to fix it?”

  I stride with purpose till our bodies are practically kissing, my teeth clenched and my muscles tense. “I’ve been here the whole time. Waiting for you to give me all of you, so don’t accuse me of not wanting to fix it.”

  “Well, why haven’t you called me?”

  “I needed time Evie.” I run my hands over my face. “You didn’t give me a chance to process anything or for us to even discuss the things you told me.”

  “It’s the kids thing isn't it?” she states more than questions.

  “Would I like to talk about the kids thing? Yeah, sure,” I say with a shrug. “One day. Is it the reason I needed space? No.”

  Her doe like eyes stare at me, she looks lost and defeated. I grab her shoulders and lightly push her back till her knees hit the couch. “Sit,” I order.

  I crouch down in front of her and let my fingers graze across her cheek before moving her hair out of her face. “This isn’t about whether I want to be with you or not, Evie.” Her leg bounces with nerves between us. “You’ve been through so much, and when I wanted you to open up to me it wasn’t an excuse for you to try and push me away or for me to find a reason to leave.” She closes her eyes and hangs her head down. I reach for her chin and tip her head back up so I can see her eyes. “I just want you to be mine, Evie.” As I lower my hand, she stretches hers out and intertwines our fingers. I look down and the way they look effortlessly put together. “No secrets, no surprises, no insecurities. I know it’s a big thing to ask, I know you’ve been hurt. I know you’ve endured pain, but if you do nothing else; please put your faith and trust in the way I feel about you, because that’s never going to change.” I lift our hands to my lips and kiss each one of her fingers. “I just want to know if you feel it too?”

  After a significant pause, she whispers, “Kiss me.” Evie wraps her arms around my neck and I scoop her into my arms before walking to my bedroom. She kisses me with such fervor and warmth, allowing us to deepen our kiss with each step. Our lips and tongues dance together flawlessly. I let my hands cup her ass and push her closer to me. She moans in my mouth and I feel myself get harder. I’m just about to tell her we need to stop when she pulls back and looks me in the eyes.

  “Make love to me, Lior.” She doesn’t have to ask me twice.

  I gently lay her down, her body softly bouncing off the mattress.

  “God, you look perfect on my bed,” I state. I watch her cross her legs and bend them at the knees, her body giving away her secrets. I’m torn between staring and burying myself inside of her. I reach for the bottom of my shirt. “Take your top off,” I demand. We both lift the material off our bodies at the same time. I throw the shirt on the floor, my eyes locked on Evie indefinitely. I watch her remove her shirt just to lay it on her stomach and hide herself.

  “What are you doing?” I ask, reaching for the shirt and dragging it from her hold. “Are you trying to hide your body from me?”

  23

  Evie

  It’s impossible to ignore the hum between us. The desire coursing through my veins is strong enough to overpower my fears and insecurities. It's been a long time since someone has touched me. It's been even a longer time since I've wanted to be touched. Every moment here is thought out with delicacy and precision, determination written all over his face. My body is trembling with nerves and as he tries to pry the shirt out of my fingers, I want the bed to swallow me whole. His body is a chiseled masterpiece and the comparison between mine and his is too much. I’m self-conscious remembering that my imperfections are not for everyone. I look to the ceiling and close my eyes trying to hide my emotions from the only person who has seen the real me in years. He lowers his knee and his body hovers over mine, the lowlight of the bedroom lamp illuminating our faces. I turn my head to the side, unable to meet his gaze.

  “Evie,” he warns. “Open your eyes,” he demands.

  I do. He’s stronger than I am. I let the clothes slip out of my grip. “We’re only doing this once so listen up,” he says as he traces the faint lines on my body with his fingers. “There is nothing about you or your body I would ever change, understand?” I nod ever so slightly and stare at him, knowing it’s impossible for him to hide his reaction from me - but there’s nothing. No disgust, no regret or even a hint of surprise at what he sees.

  He bends down and replaces his hands with his mouth as he peppers kisses all over the evidence of my past. He alternates between slow and insistent, growling against my skin the more he explores. He makes his way to my breasts, unclipping the front of my bra. With both breasts exposed, his mouth latches onto my nipple, alternating between each one; kissing, licking and nipping. The sensation traveling directly to my core. He continues to kiss his way up and around my body, while my hands touch every available part of him. A blanket of need begins to consume us, and every touch, kiss and stare moves from tentative to hungry. His hands run down and grip my waistband, unbuttoning my jeans, he slips his hand underneath them and he impatiently massages my clit over my underwear.

  “I need to get these off you,” he says. Each rub harder and more insistent than the one before. He grasps the top of the jeans and my underwear and drags them down my legs, his body moving further away from me with the motion. My breathing quickens as his desire dances in his eyes. He trails his fingertips along the length of my legs until he reaches the apex of my thighs. His body suspended on top of mine, his eyes zero in on the motion of h
is finger sliding inside of me; moving in and out. A loud noise escapes my mouth, I arch my back off the bed at the welcomed intrusion, as he captures the end of my moan with a kiss. My body has no need to hide how responsive it is to his touch. Adding another finger inside me, the sensation leaves a trail of goose bumps all over my body. My stomach is all coiled up in anticipation ready to burst, as I starve off the need to grind myself all over his fingers.

  “God, Evie. I don’t think I can wait any longer to be inside of you,” he whispers. “You're so fucking tight.”

  My body speaks for me as the years without attention make it impossible to starve off the imminent orgasm. I'm just about ready when his fingers slip out and he lowers his head, replacing them with the presence of his tongue.

  “I know you're close, let me feel you unravel on my tongue.” And I do. With only a few licks on my sensitive nub. I explode, my vision a kaleidoscope of colors. He moves up my body and kisses me passionately, the evidence of my ecstasy on our lips. I feel his hard length through his lounge pants, and the desperation to feel all of him inside me is consuming. I hike my leg up, placing my foot in between his ass and waistband, pushing the material down, as far as it goes. “Take your pants off, please,” I beg. “I want to feel all of you.”

  Standing up he pushes them down all of the way, stepping out of them and lining himself up with me perfectly.