Devastate

by Valentine, Marley

  “Are you ready?” he asks.

  I push my pelvis up to his and hear a hiss escape his mouth. He lines himself up and pushes in slowly. His eyes hold my stare, looking into my eyes as he has done a million times before, but for me, it feels like the first time I’m truly looking into his. The veil has finally been lifted and that dark haze of uncertainty, the aching pain that lingers in my heart, it’s all subsiding. Here in this moment, connected and complete, I feel what he has been trying to tell me all along. I’m here. I've got you. Let it go.

  "I love you, Evie,” he says. “Be mine. Because I'm yours... Always yours."

  I try to stop the tears but I slam my lips to his as we move. There's no rush, just a purpose. I pull back, our eyes never breaking the connection.

  With each thrust we give and we take. I give him my past and he gives me his future. Piecing the puzzle of our lives together. Every stroke is a string tethering it all together. Climbing together, our bodies reach the crescendo and I finally give him all of me.

  “I love you,” I whisper. “I’m yours. Today. Tomorrow and always, I’m yours.”

  * * *

  Lazily drawing circles on his bare torso, I lean my head on his chest while his hands graze up and down my naked back. It’s early morning and the sun is close to rising. We’ve been up all night acquainting ourselves with every piece of one another. Today is the day everybody leaves to go to Hawaii for my mom’s wedding. I haven’t asked Lior if he’s still coming, but I have no doubt from here on out we’re stuck with one another.

  “So, while we were both being moody and broody I made something for you,” I tell him.

  “Is it food?” he asks. I can’t help but laugh out loud, “No, it’s not food.”

  “Let me get up and grab it, I’ll be back in a second.” I rise from the bed and grab my shirt from the floor.

  “Don’t,” he interrupts. “I want to see you walk around my place naked.” I shake my head at him and drop the piece of clothing on the floor. I go outside to the living room and grab a jar filled with folded paper out of my bag. I walk back into the room, his eyes torn between devouring my body and curiosity over the jar. I sit on the bed, crossing my legs and covering my chest with the duvet.

  “Just so you know, I had a really big speech planned out.”

  “Yeah?” he smirks.

  “Yeah,” I repeat.

  “Let me hear it. Tell you if it would’ve worked.”

  “Do you remember what you said to me when I told you I might run if you kiss me?” I ask.

  “Yes, I told you —” I put my hand over his mouth so he doesn’t spoil my speech.

  “You said if I run, I better be ready for you to catch me.” He nods in agreement. “So I planned to catch you.” I hand him the full jar.

  “I want you to know, we will fight a lot. My past will creep up and make me insecure and I might try and push you away when the memories get to be too much,” I explain. “But in the jar, they’re reminders.”

  “What type of reminders?” he questions.

  “They’re all the reasons I love you, and when you said to trust and put faith in the way I feel about you, I guess my mind was thinking the same thing.” I crawl toward him and sit on top of his lap, letting the cover slide off, both of us naked again.

  “So to narrow it down. When shit gets tough - read the notes.” He smiles at me and pulls me down to kiss him.

  “I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  24

  Lior

  We’re on the plane, and I’m panicking. “Are you sweating?” Evie asks. “What’s wrong?”

  “I’m scared of flying,” I tell her.

  “And you didn’t think it was something I needed to know?” She begins putting all her snacks in the front pocket in front of her. Stocking up for the trip she said.

  “I was hoping it was a phase.”

  “A phase? Really Lior?” She rolls her eyes at me. “I would’ve bought you something to calm you down.”

  “There’s a few things you could do to calm me down,” I sarcastically suggest. She raises her eyebrow at me. “All of them inappropriate for a flight I’m sure.”

  “They have restrooms.”

  “I’d like to see you get out of your chair and make it to the restroom without panicking.” She grabs the belt straps for my seat and buckles the belt.

  “I’m not a kid, I can buckle myself up,” I tell her. But as her hand grazes my dick, I realize she’s playing.

  “But where’s the fun in that Lior?” she says laughing. ”Now you can think of all the things we won’t be doing on the flight, because you’re scared of flying.” She shrugs. “It’s something else for you to concentrate on, you know? Help the fear.”

  “You just wait till we get off this plane,” I threaten.

  “But until then you’re at my mercy.” She grabs my hand and the flight attendants begin their safety spiel. The engine starts revving and my anxiety creeps up. Evie subtly lifts my hand to her lips and peppers my skin with soft kisses. I will never get tired of this. She maneuvers my wrist so my palm is placed directly on her heart. “Remember, when it’s too much, just concentrate on my heartbeat,” she says. “It won’t ever let you down.”

  * * *

  “What’s up?” I ask Elliot. “You look super happy to be here.” My voice dripping in sarcasm.

  He groans and buries his face in his hands. “Courtney is driving me insane.”

  “Good insane or bad insane?” I ask.

  “Insane is fucking insane, isn’t it?” He looks at me like I’ve gone mad when really I love seeing him so twisted over a chick.

  “No. There’s two main types.” I grab the salt and pepper shakers on the table and put one in front of each of us. “Let me school you on the variations of insane.”

  Grabbing the salt, I forcefully slam it in front of him. “In column A, we have the typical definition of insane. She’s crazy. Certifiable. You’re scared for your life type of crazy.” I look at him, for clarification. “Got it?” He nods at me, curious to see where else I’m taking this conversation.

  I put the pepper next to the salt and continue. “In column B you have the same definition of crazy, except you can’t get enough of it. You can’t sleep, eat or work without thinking of her and that’s where the ‘She drives me crazy’ sentiment comes from. So which one is it?”

  “Firstly, you’re fucking crazy for knowing this shit and explaining it in such unnecessary details, and secondly, you know which one it is, stop being an ass and enjoying this at my expense.”

  “What? You didn't enjoy mine?”

  “No, actually it was much more rewarding seeing Evie come out of her shell than worrying about you.”

  I turn and look toward the dance floor where Courtney and Evie are dancing to some eighties track and know he's one hundred percent right. There's nothing more gorgeous than seeing her face light up from within. It’s even more fucking beautiful knowing I helped put that smile there.

  “So, what are you going to do about it?” I ask him, steering the conversation back to him and Court.

  “I have no idea. She's the complete opposite to me,” he exhales loudly. “I don't think it can work.”

  “Look at her and Evie,” I say pointing to them across the room. “Are they the same?”

  He shakes his head.

  “Do they work together?”

  “She was one of the best things to happen to her,” he states.

  “Now, I know you're having sex with her.” I pause to see if he jumps in, but he doesn’t. “So whether you admit to the sex or not, you definitely ‘work’ together.”

  “How do you know about the sex?”

  “Girls talk.” I stand up and fix my suit jacket. “I'm going to go dance with my girl, why don't you go talk to Court.”

  “Actually, can I have a dance with your girl?” I look at him perplexed. “I found somewhere to live, I want to tell her.”

  I
nod, “Okay.”

  He stands up and tucks his chair under the table, when an idea hits me.

  “You think she'll move in with me?” I ask.

  “What?”

  “Evie,” I clarify. “Since you're moving out, do you think she'll move in with me?”

  “You can only ask.” We head to the dance floor together. “Do you want to stay in the apartment and I can ask her to move to my apartment?”

  “Nah, I think I need a fresh start. There's a lot of memories in that apartment. But you guys talk about it and do what works for you.”

  “Okay, I might go and see what Court has to say about you while you tell Evie,” I tease.

  “If she tells you I'm crazy, she’s just projecting.”

  I burst out laughing. “I told you, you're perfect for one another.”

  “Can we interrupt this dance?” Evie walks toward me.

  “Sorry baby, someone else wants to dance with you.” I lead her to Elliot and then shift my attention to Courtney. “Let’s not try and kill each other.”

  “Kill each other,” she huffs, “I’m going to teach you how to tear this dance floor up.”

  “Maybe if it wasn’t ‘Come on Eileen’ I would be down.”

  “Shut up before I make them put on ‘Grease Lighting’ and you have to do Travolta,” she threatens. I look at Elliot, who is smiling at her like a lovesick puppy. He sees me catch him. And I mouth “Column B,” in his direction.

  Court slaps me on the arm. “What are you two talking about?”

  “Nothing.” I distract her by leading into what she thinks of me asking Evie to move in with me. “She’s a changed woman now, and I’m sure she wants the dick all the time, you should totally ask her.”

  “Do you have any filter?”

  “You know the answer Lior, take it or leave it.”

  “Well, I think that’s what I’m going to do. You’ll be free to creep around Elliot’s new place without worrying about us,” I tell her.

  “Why would I go there?”

  “For the D?”

  “Uggghhhh that’s all it was supposed to be,” she groans. “Just some D and now there’s a whole lot of D in the V and feelings.” She shakes her head. “I didn’t sign up for that.”

  “How strong are the feelings?” I ask.

  “I don’t know. Maybe with him not living with Evie, I won’t bump into him as often and things can just cool off,” she suggests. “I know you’re a hopeless romantic now, but I’m just not there yet.”

  I nod, respecting her honesty; ending the topic. For now.

  Elliot and Evie walk up to us, Evie’s eyes are watery, and I know he’s told her the news. I hope she’s okay with it. We begin to dance, swaying to the familiar tune in the background.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah, I assume you know,” she says while sniffling.

  “Yeah.”

  “I expected it,” she says. “I’m just being weird, it feels like we’re finally growing up.”

  I chuckle. “Yeah I think we are. So much so, you and I should move in together.”

  She looks at me with her eyes full to the brim. “Are they happy tears?”

  “There’s so many kind of tears going on right now,” she says.

  “Tell me what you think.”

  “Don’t you think it’s too soon?”

  “Well I don’t know, I’m pretty sure we kissed, had sex and laid our hearts out for one another in the span of two weeks. This seems right.”

  “You make it sound like we’re crazy.”

  “Maybe we are.” I kiss her forehead. “When you know, you know, right?”

  “That’s what they say.” I grab her face so her eyes are focussed on mine. “So, put me out of my misery. Are we going to do this?”

  “Yes,” she shouts. “Yes. Yes. Yes.” She’s fucking radiant.

  “Hey,” I interject. “Can you hear the song?” Hozier plays in the background. When her eyes get teary, I know she’s figured it out. It’s a sign.

  I lift her up and spin her around in circles to celebrate, putting her down to dance and croon in her ear.

  Babe, there's something tragic about you.

  Something so magic about you.

  Don't you agree?

  Epilogue

  February 29th, 2020

  Arriving at both headstones, I sit down and pull out the letters I wrote each of them. I usually come and visit once a month, but today I’m itching with nerves, and being here helps. Slipping the pieces of paper into their customized memorial boxes, I inhale the smell of fresh grass and enjoy the sound of silence. As the years progressed, coming here has become less daunting and forgiving James made all the difference. It was the secret to setting the darkness free, and Lior was the only one who pushed hard enough to make sure it happened. Eventually he pushed me out of my self-centered bubble, and made me see the situation from James’ perspective. For that alone, my love for him is infinite. Now, I bring them both letters. Updates on all the important things, even though I’ve always believed they’re right with me.

  Today is my birthday. The “real” one where everybody makes a fuss because it only comes around every four years. Knowing the anniversary of his mother’s death is on the same day as my birthday, we’ve made an unconscious agreement to cross things off our bucket list. It means the day is spent doing something ridiculously over the top, while making sure we’re always living life to the fullest. So, today I’m doing exactly that. I pull out a black velvet box from my bag and open it to take one last look at the platinum wedding band. I told him I never wanted to get married again, but three years have passed and apparently things change. Courtney showed me this old Irish legend of women proposing to men on every four years, and the wheels started turning. If I was ever going to shock him and take the leap, today is the day. I close the box and place it back in my bag. Uncrossing my legs, I stand up; dusting off any excess grass on my jeans. Turning, I bump into a solid chest I would know anywhere.

  “What are you doing here?” I shout. My heart starts beating out of my chest, knowing the surprise is ruined. I don’t know how long he’s been standing there, and I’m a terrible liar.

  “I brought letters,” he says, showing me two envelopes with their names written on each.

  “Do you do this alot?”

  “Maybe,” He shrugs.

  “What did you need to tell them?” I ask.

  “I think that’s between me and them,” he says with a smirk.

  “Okay, I've got to meet Court. I'll see you tonight.” I hastily push past him.

  “Hold on, you're not going to tell me what’s in your letters?”

  “You'll know in a few hours. Don't make me ruin it,” I plea.

  He lowers his head and kisses me softly, “I’ll see you later then”

  “Thank you,” I say, kissing him again to show how much I appreciate him.

  Rushing off, I jump in my car and set off to meet Court and finalize all the details.

  * * *

  “He's going to be here soon, I think I'm going to piss my pants”

  “Courtney, I’m the one proposing. Why are you going to pee your pants?” I ask. You would think after three years of being friends she wouldn't be able to surprise me. But everyday I'm blessed with something even more inappropriate than the day before.

  “Do you think he knows?” she asks.

  “He definitely knows,” I say, laughing. “I should've never tried to hide something from him. I become even more awkward”

  “This is true. You’re still awkward at the best of times.”

  “Thanks for the compliment.” I grab my phone and hand it to her. “Can you make yourself busy, call Elliot and see where they are?”

  “On it.”

  The whole house is decorated in fairy lights. Hanging from the ceiling draped over the staircase and leading out to the patio. By the time Lior gets here the place will be illuminated with tea candles and Mason jars I've scattered a
ll over the place. Each jar is filled with coloured paper, hiding a black box that replicates the one that holds the ring. The idea is that he opens each box expecting something we need to add to our bucket list for the next birthday. Little does he know when he opens the last box, his ultimate bucket list item can be crossed off.

  “Okay, they'll be here in ten minutes. You ready?”

  “As I'll ever be,” I confess.

  “I've got to go before they get here. I'll talk to you soon.”

  I lean over and kiss her on the cheek. “Thank you. I couldn't have done this without you.”

  “Yes you could've, but I'm glad I'm here,” she says

  The doorknob rattles and I look at Court, “That was quick.”

  “You got this Evie”.

  I watch her open the door, and walk out. Only to have Lior walk in seconds after her. His eyes scan the room, taking every detail in. The look of confusion doesn't settle on his face till he looks at me standing in the middle of the room wearing the same dress I wore to my mom’s wedding. I make my way toward him, excitement sitting in the pit of my stomach.

  “This is a nice surprise, he says, sweeping the hair out of my face and tucking it behind my ears. “But isn't it your birthday?”

  “This will be the perfect birthday present,” I assure him. “You ready?”

  He looks around and back at me, “what do I have to do?” he asks.

  “Go to each Mason jar and pull out the folded paper in the box. Each one will tell you where to go next.” I point over to the patio. “I'll be over there, I've got the last box, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  I take my place on the patio where I can see every move he makes and every time he smiles. Nothing compares to watching his unfiltered reactions. I put some music on in the background and shake my hands out, trying to stop my hands from getting sweaty. I catch him looking back at me with an all knowing smile. I wonder how long he's going to play along for?

  “Are you sure you want a dog?” He calls out.