To Love Again: A Sweet Romance (Forty and Free Book 1)

by Lillianna Blake

  He closed his eyes to hold back the wave of emotions that rushed through him. He had no idea how he was going to get through this, but one thing was certain, he was not going to risk his heart again. In his mind, he flashed back to Amy and the lies that she’d told him. And then to Nicole and how betrayed he felt that she’d not been more honest with him about such a huge part of her life—of who she was.

  By the time he reached his room, his hurt had transformed back into fury once more. He grabbed his phone the moment his door slammed shut. There was one person to blame for all of this. It wasn’t him, and it wasn’t Nicole. It was Lance—for throwing him into such a ridiculous situation.

  He punched the buttons on his phone and began to pace back and forth across the room. On the third ring, Lance answered.

  “What is it, bud? I’m in the middle of dinner.”

  “What is it? I want you to stay out of my life! Do you understand me?”

  “Wait a minute, wait a minute—what happened?”

  “It doesn’t matter what happened. I told you I didn’t want any of this and you didn’t listen. I can’t do this again, Lance—and you’re the one that put me here.”

  “Gavin, slow down. Whatever happened, I’m sure it can be worked out. Calm down.”

  “No, I won’t calm down.” Gavin slammed his foot into the side of his suitcase, which sent the hard-shell bag across the room and into the wall. “I’m done with all of this. You keep pushing me into things I have no business being involved in. I never should have gotten involved in any of this!”

  “Gavin, what happened? What did she do?”

  “It’s not her that’s the problem. I’m the problem. I can’t tolerate being lied to. Not after Amy. I just can’t handle this. I have no right to be in a relationship.”

  “Take a breath. I’ll bet things aren’t as bad as they seem. You’ve got yourself worked up, but you’re forgetting one important thing.”

  “What?” Gavin clutched the phone in his hand.

  “She’s not Amy. This is an entirely different relationship. How it goes is up to you. What happened with you and Amy happened, there’s no changing that. You can’t fix it by trying to force some perfect union. Perfect relationships don’t exist. Except for mine, of course.”

  “Shut up, Lance.”

  “Shut up because you know I’m right?”

  “Just shut up.” Gavin shook his head and closed his eyes. He sat down on the edge of his bed. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I was trying to make it perfect.”

  “Is she hot? If she’s hot and willing, just—”

  “Shut up, Lance! Don’t talk about her like that.”

  “See?” He cleared his throat. “You just made my point. Even as angry as you are right now, you want to protect her. That’s not something to toss out so easily. Think about it.”

  “Maybe.” Gavin sighed. “Maybe.”

  He hung up the phone and tossed it down on the bed beside him. He thought about going across the hall—to Nicole’s room. But what would he say? That it was okay?

  It wasn’t okay. If she could lie to him about something so important, then she could lie to him about anything. That’s not what he wanted in his life. That’s not what he expected from her. So maybe he didn’t know anything about her at all. Maybe he’d fallen for a person he imagined in his mind—a perfect, harmless woman who would soothe all his wounds and give him the chance to hope again.

  Chapter 30

  As Nicole made her way back to her room, she had to stop several times to calm down. She was sick to her stomach with the emotions that churned within her. Had Gavin just shown her his true colors, or was she responsible for further damaging an already wounded man?

  When she reached her door she could feel the ripple of longing that carried through her. Gavin was right across the hall. Maybe, if she just explained, he’d understand.

  She took a step toward his door, raising her hand to knock. Before she could, she heard a loud thump as if something had been slammed down. She jerked back from the door and stared at it with wide eyes. Was he so angry that he was tearing the room apart? Was that the kind of man she wanted to be with? When she heard footsteps coming toward the door, she hurried across to her own.

  She closed and locked the door behind her. As she stood in the middle of her room it struck her that she‘d brought all of this upon herself. It was foolish for her to even believe that she might be ready for a relationship. The entire world around her seemed to be spinning out of control. What had been a wonderful day had come to a crashing end in the span of a few minutes.

  “I have no one to blame but myself.” She sat down on the edge of her bed. It was easy to believe that Gavin should have responded differently—that he should have understood why she’d kept her secrets. She couldn’t bring herself to be angry with him.

  He was the one who’d asked for honesty from the start and she was the one who’d chosen to continue to keep her secrets. Maybe if she’d had the foresight to believe that Gavin was going to magically be this new and amazing man in her life, she would have been honest from the beginning. But maybe not. Maybe she was the liar he accused her of being.

  Maybe her ex wasn’t so far off in his belief that Nicole wasn’t the type of woman who deserved to be loved.

  As tears began to fall down her cheeks, her heart sank even lower. It was cruel of her to believe that she could ever have anything more than what she’d ended up with. She let herself imagine a fairytale romance, and she was angry at herself for ever believing in it. There was no question in her mind that the entire vacation had been a mistake.

  She grabbed her phone and dialed the front desk.

  Tony picked up on the second ring. “Hi, Nicole, what can I help you with?”

  “I’d like to check out.”

  “Check out? Are you sure about that?”

  “Yes. As soon as possible, please.”

  “Well, it would be best if you’d wait until morning, since most of the flights out won’t be until then. But is there anything I can do to make your stay more comfortable? Is there a reason that you want to leave?”

  “Tony, please—I don’t want to talk about it. This resort sells fantasies, and I need to get back to my reality.”

  “Okay. I’ll get things set up for you to check out in the morning. Try to have a good night, Nicole, and call me if you need anything.”

  “Thanks, I will.” As she hung up the phone she wondered if it would be possible for him to rewind time so that she’d never met Gavin. Now that she knew what it was like to be loved by a man like him, she would never be able to forget it—or the fact that she was responsible for ruining it.

  She flopped back onto the bed and began to cry again. Even her tears made her angry. She had no right to them, after all. She needed someone to vent to. With sharp gestures she wiped her eyes. Then she sat up.

  She sent a message to Ella.

  Ella,

  I messed everything up. He hates me. Can you please call me?

  Nicole

  She sighed. She didn’t expect Ella to call. She was sure that her friend—who was her closest confidant despite the fact that they’d never met—was busy on some epic date. Within just a few minutes, her phone began to ring. When she saw that it was Ella she answered it right away.

  “Oh, Ella, thanks for calling, I know you’re probably busy.”

  “Stop it right now and tell me what happened.”

  “I lied to him. I never told him I was a mother. When he found out he got upset and broke things off.”

  “Wait a minute, how’d he find out?”

  “He saw their picture in my wallet.”

  “Well, he had no right to go in your wallet.”

  “Ella, please, this is all my fault. I have nothing to be angry at him for.”

  “Sweetie, this was your first trip into the dating world. It’s okay. There will be other opportunities.”

  “No way. I’m not doing this again. It hurts too m
uch.”

  “Please tell me that you’re not going to sit there and wallow.”

  “Why shouldn’t I?” Nicole wiped at her eyes. “I’m just not cut out for this. I don’t have the stamina. I just want to throw in the towel and go back home.”

  “No. You can’t do that. Listen, Nicole, you weren’t completely honest with him. But so what? Who is ever completely honest about their lives? It’s not like you proposed to him and then mentioned the kids. You two barely know one another.”

  “I know. But I feel awful. I never should have tried to be someone I’m not.”

  “Being a mother has nothing to do with who you date. That’s the problem. So don’t let it be the problem. Okay, so this guy wants to throw a tantrum and back out on all the feelings you shared? You’re at a resort full of other men, you know. Did you forget that?”

  “What are you suggesting? That I go on one of the matchmaking dates?”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I really care about Gavin. I don’t want to be with anyone else.”

  “Before you met Gavin, you didn’t want to be with him either. You didn’t want to be with anyone. He opened you up—which is great—but now you’ve got to ride that romance train out of single town.”

  “This isn’t a joke, Ella! I mean it. I think what we had was—you know—that one-of-a-kind type of thing.”

  “Oh.” She cleared her throat. “Well I can’t advise much on that. I’m not sure I buy into that fairytale once-in-a-lifetime deal. But if you really want him that bad, I can tell you how to get him back.”

  “Really?” Nicole rested her head back against the pillow on her bed. She was quite skeptical of what her friend might have in mind.

  “Sure. Men are easy—especially a guy like that. He wants to be in control whether he shows it or not. So you make him jealous.”

  “What? That sounds so immature.”

  “It’ll work. The moment he sees you on the arm of another guy, he’ll be all over you, begging for you to take him back. Trust me. If he feels the same way about you, that you do about him, he just needs to see that you’re not going to sit around and wait for him to get over a simple misunderstanding.”

  “I’m afraid that if I do that he’ll think I don’t want to be with him.”

  “Are you going to trust me on this? Remember, I’m the experienced one.”

  “Well, that’s true.”

  “So try it. I guarantee by the end of the night, he’ll be on his knees in front of you.”

  “Knees? That’s a little extreme.”

  “Wait and see.” She laughed. “It works every time.”

  “I’ll think about it. So tell me about Shawn.”

  “Who?”

  “Shawn—the guy you had an epic adventure with?”

  “Oh, Shawn’s old news. Now it’s Benny.”

  “Oh boy.”

  “Man, Nicole. Benny is a man. Trust me.” She laughed so loud that Nicole had to pull the phone away from her ear.

  “Well, as long as you’re having fun.”

  “I am. And that fun just walked through the door. Call me if you need me, girl. I promise I’ll pick up. But think about what I said. You can go home regretting what might have been, or you can give it your best effort.”

  “Thanks, Ella.”

  Nicole hung up the phone and stretched out across the bed. Despite her exhaustion she could only stare at the ceiling. A part of her hoped that she’d hear a knock on her door—that he’d be feeling as torn up about everything as she was.

  Chapter 31

  Gavin sat on his bed for what seemed like hours. The four walls of the room threatened to close in on him. As dizzy as he was, he didn’t dare lie down. His mind spun through memory after memory of his marriage—all those times that Amy had claimed everything was fine, when she was really falling in love with another man. No, she hadn’t cheated—not physically, so she’d claimed. She was too good a person for that.

  He rubbed his eyes and gritted his teeth as the memories came flooding back. Amy had been a dutiful wife who would have remained at his side—only she was no longer the woman he’d married.

  He’d scrolled through her e-mail one day, finding a letter to another man that detailed how miserable she was with her husband—how Gavin had failed at every promise he’d ever made her. It had been a punch to his gut and he’d been furious. He’d been possessive and hurtful with his words.

  It was a time in his life that he was ashamed of—a time that he never wanted to repeat. He’d treated her terribly, as if she was the one who had done something wrong. Only later did he come to realize the part he’d played in the failure of their marriage and to take ownership of the fact that he’d never done anything to strengthen it.

  He’d left Amy alone so often that she’d sought comfort with someone else. At one time, he thought that meant he was broken inside, that he didn’t know what love was. Now he knew that wasn’t the case, because every time he closed his eyes he saw Nicole. He saw the hurt in her eyes when he’d called her a liar.

  Maybe, if he’d been more accessible, if he’d probed a little deeper, Nicole would have told him the truth. Or maybe he was just kidding himself.

  By three in the morning Gavin couldn’t take it any more. He was so restless that he could barely breathe.

  He left his room and walked across the hall to her door. He curled his hand into a fist to knock, but at the last minute decided against it. How would it look to wake her in the middle of the night?

  Instead, he rested his palm against the door. He wondered if she was able to sleep. He wondered if he’d hurt her in a way that she’d never forgive him for. He wasn’t sure if he wanted her to forgive him, but he was certain that he didn’t want to be responsible for her pain.

  He walked down the hall toward the front desk. The lobby was dim, but he could see that someone was in the small office behind the desk.

  He stepped out the side door and onto the deck. He could see the remnants of the cookout. How could so much have changed in one moment? As he leaned against the railing he wondered what his life would be like without Nicole in it. All he could predict was darkness and emptiness.

  Then he thought about what their future could be like together. He imagined them celebrating holidays together, arguing over grocery lists, even doing yard work together.

  Then his mind wandered even further—to thoughts he hadn’t allowed himself to think for a long time—children to play with—baseball, volleyball, roller-skating. All things he’d never even considered doing as a single man. Sure, Nicole’s kids had a father, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t play a role in their lives.

  He smiled to himself as he recalled the faces he’d seen in the photograph. They looked like happy kids in the photo. Nicole was probably an amazing mother. How could he be so harsh as to simply turn her away?

  Still, the fact that she’d kept such a big facet of her life from him concerned him. He didn’t want to be with someone who felt that she needed to keep things from him. He didn’t want to be cast as a heartless monster who wouldn’t understand whatever was happening in her life or her heart. That was the role that he’d ended up in with Amy, and though he shouldered the majority of the blame, he always wondered if it would have been different if she’d simply told him the truth.

  The sun peeked over the edges of the mountain. It was a beautiful sight as the entire mountainside glowed with the pale sunlight. He shivered and took a deep breath. He was determined to talk things out with Nicole—if she’d even speak to him after the way he’d reacted to her.

  Just as he was about to turn to walk back into the resort, a woman walked toward him—the same woman who had sat next to him on the plane.

  “Well, if it isn’t my travel mate.” She smiled.

  He returned a polite nod.

  “You must be freezing out here.” She wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “Let me keep you warm.” She purred in his ear.

  Gavin’s body
stiffened at her touch. He clenched his jaw as he shrugged her arm off his shoulders.

  “No, thank you. I think I’ll just go in.”

  “Are you sure? There’s no one in the hot tub.” She tugged at his waistband in a way that left him feeling more than annoyed. He brushed her hand away.

  “I’m not interested, sorry.”

  “Suit yourself.” She shrugged. “It’s your loss.”

  As she walked away, Gavin felt his stomach churn. Was that his future? Women who only wanted him for one reason? How long would that even last?

  He turned toward the resort and stepped inside. If there was anything that he could do to fix things with Nicole he was going to have to try. Maybe it was a risk. Maybe she would lie to him again. Maybe, like Lance said, love wasn’t perfect. But it was better than the alternative.

  He walked down the hall toward their rooms.

  Behind him, Tony called for help from another staff member for a checkout.

  Gavin’s heart dropped at the thought. Would Nicole even still be there?

  Chapter 32

  Nicole woke with a start, with no idea of when she’d actually fallen asleep. Her body was stiff and she was still in the same clothes that she’d worn the night before. She forced herself into the shower and got dressed.

  As she made her way down toward the front desk, she still hadn’t made her decision. Then she saw him.

  Gavin was out on the deck, with another woman’s arm draped over his shoulder. Her eyes narrowed. That was his answer? That was how easy it was for him to move on to the next woman. All of his claims of love had to be a lie, if it was that easy for him to move forward.

  But as she continued to watch them, she saw him shrug the woman’s arm off and turn a disapproving look toward her. It was the same expression that Nicole had seen on his face when she’d first seen him at the resort—harsh, cold, detached.