A LaLa Land Addiction

by Ashley Antoinette

  “She’s just my friend. I’m one hunnid. You can trust me,” he said.

  “I know.” Naomi nodded. “I’m going to head home. Take care of your friend.”

  He walked her to the door, and when she was gone the silence of the house seemed daunting. Usually he liked his peace. The quiet gave him time to think and plot his next move, but with the demons Bleu had brought into his life the silence seemed to be filled with negative energy.

  He picked up his cell phone and reluctantly dialed his mother’s number. He hadn’t spoken to her since he found out Khadafi was his father. She had lied to him for years about where his father was, and once the truth had come out Noah hadn’t been able to look her in the eyes without harboring resentment. They had been distant, but right now he needed his mother. Bleu needed help or she would die, and he didn’t know what to do.

  He held his breath as the phone rang in his ear.

  “Noah?” Miz Monica answered.

  “Hey, Ma,” he said, slightly emotional as he sniffed, trying to compose himself before the floodgates opened. He had never loved anyone the way that he loved Bleu. Seeing her down this bad made him weary. He was losing his mind worrying about her. “I need your help,” he said, breaking down. “I just killed a nigga over her, Mama. I don’t know what else to do.…”

  Hearing her son so distraught and hearing him talk about murder and violence with such disregard caused goose bumps to form on her arms. This was the exact reason why she had hidden his father from him. She didn’t know exactly what was going on, but Miz Monica knew that the gangster in him had been inherited directly from Khadafi and if she didn’t step in now she might lose her son to the streets forever.

  “Stop talking. I’m on my way,” she said before hanging up the phone. She got on her knees and held her head up to the sky. “God, please help my son.” It was the only thing a mother could do in this position. She just hoped Noah hadn’t sinned to the point of no return. She had to save him before it was too late.

  18

  Noah waited for his mother on the steps of his massive home. He sat with his head bowed in angst at the thought of the desperate measures he had been forced to take. When she pulled up into his driveway she stepped out of the car and rushed up to him.

  “Are you okay?” she asked. “What’s wrong?”

  “I’ve got to show you something,” he said as he stood and walked into the house. The look on his face was so solemn that Ms. Monica feared what she would see once inside.

  He climbed the stairs and walked into his room, where Bleu sat on the edge of the bed, her own eyes red and puffy from the tears of guilt she had just cried.

  “No, please take the handcuffs off. I’m not a fucking prisoner here!” she shouted, enraged as she pulled at her wrist that Noah had bound to the bed.

  Noah stepped aside and let his mother enter the room.

  “Oh my Lord,” Ms. Monica gasped when she saw Bleu, sitting there. She rushed over to Bleu and wrapped her in a hug. “Oh, Bleu.” Her heart broke. Bleu was like a daughter to her. She had watched Bleu grow up and had been so proud when she had escaped the perils of the hood. Nobody had it tougher than her. Ms. Monica had been surprised Bleu had made it out in the first place. She certainly had not been given anything. Ms. Monica had been so proud when Bleu graduated from high school and moved to L.A. She had no idea how Bleu had come back here or how she had sunk so low, but Ms. Monica now understood the devastation she heard in Noah’s voice. “You locked her up in here?” Ms. Monica turned to Noah.

  “If I don’t, she’s going to run right back to the hood and get high, Ma. I don’t know what else to do. I have to keep her here, at least until she detoxes some of that shit out her system,” he argued.

  “Please, tell him to take these off, Ms. Monica. I promise I won’t get high. I promise!” Bleu cried.

  Ms. Monica was overwhelmed as she looked at a desperate Noah and an even more desperate Bleu. She didn’t know whose side to take, so instead of getting in the middle she simply hugged Bleu tightly and whispered, “Sh-h-h. It’s okay, Bleu.” Ms. Monica knew that Noah would never do anything to harm Bleu, but still, seeing a woman held against her will didn’t sit right with Ms. Monica.

  Bleu melted in the warm embrace of her arms. Ms. Monica was always like the mother she never had.

  “What did you do to yourself, Bleu?” Ms. Monica asked with sympathy.

  Bleu didn’t respond as she cried on Ms. Monica’s shoulder. Bleu had no answer. There was no explaining why she had made the choices that had led her here. She only remembered the logic behind her very first time using drugs. She had wanted to stay up to study. Everything after that point had just snowballed out of control.

  “Give me the key and leave us alone, for a little while,” Noah’s mother said.

  Noah handed his mother the key and retreated from the room.

  “Bleu, you know that I love you very much. Ever since you were a little girl. Noah loves you. We both just want what’s best for you. If you keep using drugs you’re going to die. Now I know the things you’ve been through. There were so many nights that I fought with myself about sending you back to that house. Any child growing up the way you did will have demons. You had the odds of the world stacked against you. You have emotional scars, honey, and they are deep. You thought running off to L.A. was going to fix everything, but running never does. Your pain is in here,” Ms. Monica said as she touched Bleu’s chest with the palm of her hand. Bleu lowered her head in shame and Ms. Monica lifted her chin. “Uh-uh, you hold your head high, Bleu. That’s been the problem. You’ve always felt like you had something to be embarrassed about. So you wanted to go somewhere new, where nobody knew who you were or what you came from. You isolated yourself and left the people who love you. You’ve done some things that aren’t so good. You’ve pushed Noah to do some things that aren’t so good, but you can change for the better. You’re young, baby girl. It’s not too late. It’s never too late. We are going to start dealing with the inside, healing what ails you in your heart so that the outside world can’t affect you. You won’t need to get high and check out from reality, because you’re built strong. You’re tougher than you think,” Ms. Monica said.

  Bleu couldn’t say anything. She just listened, all the while thinking how lucky Noah was. She wished she knew what it felt like to have a mother like Ms. Monica. There were so many things that Bleu had missed out on, so many lessons that only a mother could teach her growing daughter. Bleu became what she had seen. Her mother hadn’t been a role model; she hadn’t nurtured Bleu or shown her a strong example of what a woman should be. There had been no lesson on the power of her femininity, no uplifting of her spirit, or building of her self-confidence. Hell, Sienna hadn’t even shown Bleu how to insert her first tampon. Bleu had navigated her way through the world as a motherless child. Her mother might not have been dead, but she had been so disengaged. The drugs had made her selfish and had caused her to leave Bleu to figure it all out on her own. Now I’m stuck in the same cycle, Bleu thought.

  “I just wish I could start over,” she said.

  “No one can do that. You only get one chance to get this life thing right,” Ms. Monica said. “But it’s not too late for you, Bleu. But we have to go back to where this all started. I want you to speak with your mother. I think she may be able to help you.”

  Bleu shook her head. “She can’t even help herself. I’ve never been her priority.”

  “You’ve been gone a long time, Bleu. A lot of things have changed. People can change. What do you have to lose? You’re already at the bottom. You can only go up from here,” Ms. Monica said. “I think she needs to see you this way because you are a product of her. You also need to tell her exactly how you feel. After all these years it’s time that she hears your voice. You held it in for so long and look at what it has done to you. It’s time to break this generational curse. Noah and I wouldn’t do anything to harm you, Bleu. You just have to trust us. You aren’t capa
ble of taking care of yourself right now, so we have to do it for you, and I know that seeing Sienna will help.”

  Bleu mulled it over in her mind before saying, “I don’t even know how to reach her.”

  “You let me worry about that,” Ms. Monica replied.

  Bleu nodded and Ms. Monica reached down to remove the cuffs.

  “No, leave them,” Bleu said.

  Ms. Monica looked at her in surprise.

  “Noah knows me and he’s right. If you take these cuffs off, first chance I get I’m going to run. As soon as I get antsy and that tingle comes back to me, I’m going to want to get high. I won’t be able to stop myself, but these will,” she said, holding up her chained wrist. The clang of the metal against the bedpost rang out loudly, making her feel like a caged animal, but in all honesty an animal was exactly what she had become. She just wanted to feel normal again, to be a better version of herself, and if speaking to Sienna was what Ms. Monica thought she needed then Bleu would oblige. She only hoped the reunion didn’t send her down an even darker path.

  * * *

  The dancing smoke from the Virginia Slims cigarette rose in the air as Sienna sat at the small booth in the back of the diner, enjoying a smoke. Her feet hurt, she smelled like fried foods and cooking grease, and her apron was dirty, but still she couldn’t complain. She was alive and it was the first day of gainful employment. As she filled her lungs with the nicotine she recalled the days that a different type of smoke would have put her on cloud nine. Her eyes glazed over slightly as the memory sent a chill up her spine. She shook it off and snuffed out the cigarette, not wanting to even crack the door open to Pandora’s box. Busying herself every moment of every single day was the only thing that had kept her clean these past ninety days. Even the little smoke break was too much free time. It gave her mind time to wander, and when that happened she usually got lost. She couldn’t afford to forget the Ls she had taken during her drug days. She was a recovering addict, and if she lost focus even briefly she would stumble back into the darkness. She stood to her feet and tucked the cigarette behind her ear as she started to get back to work. The ring of the bell caused her to look up.

  “Hello, Sienna.”

  “Monica,” Sienna said, greeting Noah’s mother snidely as she walked around her and behind the high counter. Sienna grabbed a pitcher of water and went to the only customer in the place and filled his glass. She then tried to appear busy, as she picked up a towel and began to wipe down a table. “You can sit here if you want to order.”

  Ms. Monica stood, her hands clasped in front of her as she replied, “I came to talk.”

  Sienna grabbed the spray bottle and towel before moving to the next booth. It wasn’t really dirty; she just wanted to avoid Ms. Monica. This holier-than-thou-ass bitch, Sienna thought. She had always resented Monica. From the very first day their kids had become friends, there had been animosity between the mothers. I’m not in the mood for her shit today. Fuck we have to talk about anyway?

  “I’m busy. I’m on the clock,” Sienna commented.

  “Look. I know you don’t want me here, and frankly, I don’t want to be here. You and I have never seen eye to eye. Believe me, if I could have turned anywhere else I would have, but unfortunately, I’m here,” Ms. Monica stated.

  “Girl, what do you want? Just spit it out. I don’t have all day,” Sienna said.

  “I’m here about Bleu,” Ms. Monica revealed.

  The mention of her daughter’s name made Sienna freeze. She stopped working as she sat down in the booth. It had been so long since she had seen her daughter’s face. Even before Bleu had left town, Sienna had been absent from her life. Sienna had been too consumed with drugs to even care about what was happening in Bleu’s life. When Bleu had been shot, Sienna had been on a weeklong run. By the time she came out of her high Bleu had already checked out of the hospital, but Sienna couldn’t even use that as an excuse. She didn’t really try too hard to find Bleu and make sure she was okay. Truth was, Sienna had been a bad mother to Bleu and nothing made her realize that more than being sober.

  “She’s out there in Hollywood, right? Living the grand life,” Sienna said as she blinked away tears. She pushed the initial stun to the back of her mind and continued to clean the booth.

  “She’s here in Flint and she needs you. She’s in a bad way and I don’t think there is anyone else who can help her but you, Sienna. She needs her mother,” Ms. Monica stated.

  Guilt weighed on Sienna. “I ain’t never been much of a mama to that girl. Ain’t that what you were trying to be all this time? Take my place. I’m sure you can help her out,” Sienna said.

  “No one can ever take your place, Sienna. That girl has wanted you to step up and nurture her for as long as I can remember,” Ms. Monica said. She was disgusted at Sienna’s disinterest. “Do you hear me? Stop cleaning these damn tables and listen to me for a minute. Your daughter needs you, damn it.”

  It wasn’t that Sienna didn’t want to be there for Bleu; she just didn’t know how. There were so many things she had done to endanger her child, so many mistakes that Sienna had made, so many sins she had committed against her own seed. Sienna didn’t know if she could look Bleu in the eyes. How could she face Bleu? Sienna feared that reconnecting with her flesh and blood would put so much pressure on her that she would resort to smoking dope. The guilt and remorse of all the things she had put Bleu through would eat her alive as soon as she set eyes on her child. It was best to just not think about Bleu at all.

  “That girl stopped needing me a long time ago. She’s big-time. I’m sure whatever is going on, she can work it out,” Sienna said.

  Sienna started to walk away, but Ms. Monica grabbed her arm. “She’s on drugs, Sienna, and while I showed her how to comb her hair, taught her what a period was, and helped her with her homework when things got too hard, I can’t help her with this. Nobody can. She’s on crack and only you can help her with that.”

  Sienna snatched her arm away from Ms. Monica. “Just get out of here,” Sienna said. “Go!”

  Ms. Monica shook her head and grabbed Sienna’s pen and order pad out of her apron. “Here is the address where Bleu is staying right now just in case you want to be her goddamn mother for once in your miserable selfish life,” Ms. Monica said with disgust. “That girl deserves so much better.”

  “Everybody can’t be a saint like you!” Sienna shot back. She rushed to the back, hiding in the kitchen out of sight of judging eyes. She broke down immediately, sobbing. The news of Bleu’s addiction made Sienna feel so guilty that she instantly thought about going out to get high. Her heart felt heavy, as if it would fall out of her chest and rip right through her other organs. Nothing had ever felt this bad. The overwhelming urge to wrap her lips around a pipe hit her, causing her mouth to tingle. Since she had gotten clean the urge to do wrong had never hit her this hard. Fuck this, she thought as she snatched off her apron and rushed out of the back door. What do I have to lose?

  * * *

  Noah sat on the side of Bleu’s bed. “You can stop mugging me, B. I don’t care if you’re mad,” he said as he picked up the pieces to the Scrabble game and placed them on the board.

  “B-r-a-t,” Noah spelled.

  “Ha-ha, very funny,” she said as she pushed the Scrabble board away. “Why do you care so much about what happens to me?”

  “You know the answer to that,” Noah replied.

  She didn’t say another thing, because he was right. She did know, and at a time like this when she was at her worst she was reminded just how lucky she was to have a friend like him.

  “In a day or so, when it gets unbearable, promise you won’t judge me,” Bleu whispered. “I’ve always used before I allowed myself to see the monster in me.”

  “I won’t ever judge you,” Noah answered.

  The doorbell rang and Noah stood.

  “I’ll be right back,” he said as he made his way out of the room. He pulled open the door and he didn’t know i
f there was an angel or a devil in his presence.

  “I should have known that Bleu was here with you. You have always been her knight in shining armor, I guess. Can I come in?” Sienna asked.

  Noah knew that the relationship between mother and daughter was a strained one and he wasn’t sure if he should allow Sienna entry into his home, but what right did he really have to refuse her?

  He stepped to the side as she passed him. He scanned her, taking in her appearance. He had never seen her clean before, so the sight before him was almost like a mirage. It couldn’t be real, but he had to question her, because if there was even the slightest chance that Sienna was still getting high he wasn’t letting her near Bleu.

  “No disrespect, but for as long as you’ve known me I’ve been fucking with your daughter. That’s all I’m about right now, making sure she is taken care of, and I can’t let you see her if you are still on drugs,” he said.

  “I’m not on drugs, Noah,” Sienna assured him. “But I hear Bleu is. Can I just see my daughter?”

  Noah nodded and led her up the stairs.

  He walked back into his room and Bleu was focused on the Scrabble board. “L-o-s-e-r…” She looked up from the game and her face fell in a mixture of shock, disgust, and fear as her mother entered the room behind Noah.

  Suddenly it felt like Bleu couldn’t breathe, as the walls seemed to close in on her. Time stood still as mother and daughter faced off for the first time in years. Tears filled Bleu’s eyes as she stared into Sienna’s. Neither of them spoke, but an energy pulsed between them.

  “What is she doing here?” Bleu shouted to Noah. “Get her out of here! What is she doing here!” Bleu shouted as she pulled at the handcuff she was anchored by. “I hate you! Get out!” Her cries were so shrill as she tried to get free, and Sienna bolted from the room. Noah had never seen Bleu spaz out in this way. She was panicking as anger and years of hurt threatened to bury her. “Why would you bring her here?”

  Noah went to her side and knelt on the side of the bed as he rubbed her back.