A LaLa Land Addiction

by Ashley Antoinette

  “Sh-h, calm down, B,” he soothed. “It’s okay. It’s okay,” he repeated. Bleu cried, ugly tears, tears that spilled pain that she had buried for decades, tears that made snot run down her nose and had her heaving for air. “You wouldn’t be hurting this much if you didn’t care. Just breathe for me, B. I promise you it’s going to be okay. You’ve waited years to see her like this. She looks clean. That’s a start. Now you can tell her everything you been holding in since we were kids. She can hear you now. Just calm down. You can do this. You can face her, B, and if you’re not strong enough to do it by yourself I’m right here with you.”

  Bleu was holding on to Noah for dear life as he knelt over the bed in a praying position while holding his hands over Bleu’s.

  “I’ve imagined this moment for so long, but now that it’s here I don’t know what to say,” Bleu whispered.

  “Just say what you feel,” Noah said.

  Bleu nodded. He kissed her forehead and Bleu sat there waiting with bated breath until Sienna reentered the room.

  “I’m sorry to just show up like this,” Sienna started, and then paused to clear her throat as nerves took over her. As she surveyed Bleu in the bed, her frame too thin for comfort, her eyes sunken in, her eyes wild from drug lust, Sienna felt sick. I did this to my baby, Sienna thought. She thought back on all the years she had neglected to parent Bleu, all the times she had sent Bleu to the block to cop for her, and all the times she had let grown-ass men fondle her daughter to pay for drugs and Sienna wanted to die. Of course Bleu had ended up here. She was doomed from the beginning.

  “What do you want?” Bleu asked while wiping her eyes. It was almost like she didn’t know her mother well enough to let Sienna see those tears.

  “I want to ask how did you get here? My smart girl, with the big dreams, and the brains to match. You weren’t supposed to end up like this, but I know exactly how it happened,” Sienna said. “I only have myself to blame. I could have done things differently.”

  “Let’s not sugarcoat this,” Bleu said, steaming as she looked Sienna straight in the eyes. “You never gave a single fuck about me. I was your daughter and you just didn’t care.”

  “Then why do you want to be like that? Because that’s what you’re becoming. You’re becoming the selfish cracked-out bitch who doesn’t care about anything or anyone except getting high,” Sienna said. “You don’t know how happy I was when I found out I was pregnant with you, Bleu. It was the best day in my life and I was pretty good at the motherhood thing too, at first. But then I started feeling tied down. I started having too much time on my hands. My homegirls were out partying and bullshitting while I was stuck in the house raising you. So I started to bring the parties to me. Me and your father were the only kids our age with our own place, so no rules, no parents. It started with weed and just escalated from there. It was supposed to be fun, but the next thing I knew ten years had passed and I was on my knees in alleyways sucking on real dicks for glass dicks.”

  “And when you became washed up you let grown-ass men rub their hard dicks against me, and suck on my tender breasts, all so that you could smoke for free,” Bleu said. “I hated living in this city. I hated being here because everybody knew what you were. All my friends, my classmates, the teachers!”

  “I know,” Sienna admitted. Bleu was screaming so loud that she was shaking. Sienna moved closer to her daughter, drawn to her like a magnet. The pain that Bleu felt Sienna felt, and she climbed into the bed with her baby as Bleu laid her head on Sienna’s chest and cried. “I know, baby girl, and I’m so sorry. I had no worth, so I couldn’t teach you to value yourself. You are so worthy, Bleu. Worthy of every single thing you ever wanted. I know you did a lot of dreaming because reality was so bad, but you deserve nothing but good. It hurts me to know that you’re doing the same things that destroyed me,” Sienna said, her voice cracking as she held Bleu.

  “It hurts so bad that…”

  “It feels good now,” Sienna finished for her.

  Bleu sat up looking at her mother in shock. She had never thought anyone would be able to relate to the backward logic, but it was something that Sienna knew all too well.

  “I felt everything you are feeling right now, Bleu,” Sienna said. “I know how tightly the devil has a hold on you, but you are not his to control. You’re one of God’s loveliest angels, Bleu. You’re supposed to soar. The devil can only hold on to you if you hold him back. Let go.”

  “I can’t,” Bleu admitted.

  “I did,” Sienna said. She pulled out a circular coin and held it up. “It’s been three months for me. This is my ninety-day chip,” she said as she placed it in Bleu’s palm. “I had years on the street, I did every drug that there was to do, and if I can do it you can. You are so much stronger than me. You just have to feel the hurt that you’re suppressing, Bleu. Let it out. Hate me, hit me, curse me out, but just get it out. I can take it. I deserve it. This life that you’ve stumbled into … the drugs … the addiction … it isn’t for you, Bleu, and I can promise you that if you don’t get your life together it will kill you.”

  Bleu held on to Sienna as she closed her eyes while her mother stroked her hair. This was the love that she had been missing. It was the bond that she had craved for so long and the connection that she had searched for everywhere she went. She had wanted to feel like she belonged to someone. She wanted Iman to claim her as his and his always, but the only true person whom one ever really belongs to is their mother. Sienna had never made Bleu feel loved until this moment, and as she felt the rubs of her mother’s hands on her scalp she felt soothed, protected, and cared for.

  “You have so many people who love you, Bleu. That boy out there. He’s special. You only get one love like that in a lifetime,” Sienna said. “As long as he is behind you holding you up, you’ll never fall,” Sienna schooled Bleu.

  “It’s not him. He isn’t my one,” Bleu said dismissively as her thoughts drifted to Iman. “My one is in L.A.”

  Sienna chuckled. “Trust me. If it’s one thing I know, it’s men. You’re young and you think that you met someone out there who you want to be with. He’s different from what you’re used to because you’re not from where he’s from. He’s handsome, probably charming, and he is probably a great man for somebody … but you found the soul that your heart wanted a long time ago in Noah, and no matter what happens, you’ll always find your way back to him. You just have to get clean, baby. We have to get the poison out of your system so you can go after everything you deserve. It’s not too late for you; I promise.”

  Bleu was left speechless. She felt the wetness of Sienna’s tears as they fell and mixed with her own.

  “I’m so sorry,” Sienna said.

  Bleu had become what Sienna had shown her a woman should be; now Sienna had to help Bleu in her quest for redemption.

  For the first time, Bleu felt like she could bounce back. It was like the fifteen minutes of love that Sienna had bestowed upon her was the real euphoria that she had been chasing. The feeling she felt in this moment was incomparable to any drug she had put into her body. It was a different level of satisfaction. This feeling didn’t just trick her senses temporarily; it resonated in her heart. The love of her mother, the love that Bleu had wanted her entire life, made her feel whole.

  “It’s going to get worse before it gets better,” Sienna said. “You just have to be strong. You can do this. You’re so much better than me.”

  Bleu wanted to stay angry at Sienna. Bleu wanted to tell her about every single moment that she had needed a mother but had been let down. She wanted to rub in the fact that Sienna had failed her over and over again, but she knew that she would be hypocritical. Bleu was now in her mother’s shoes, and although she had no child, she had done her fair share of damage to people’s hearts … Iman’s and Noah’s in particular. Although it had never been her intention, when people walked away from her they walked away with emotional scars. That was her impact on Iman and she was sure it would
be her impact on Noah as well. She dreaded it, but such was life for a young woman addicted to dope. Who was she to hold grudges and place judgment when she was ruining lives herself?

  “I’m going to show you why you should get clean, Bleu. You’re my daughter and I have so many regrets. There are so many things I wish I could go back and do differently. I’m going to motivate you to get clean. This isn’t what I wanted for you. I’ll show you why you need to stay away from the drugs. I promise you. After it’s all said and done you won’t want to touch it ever again,” she said.

  Bleu clung to Sienna until her tears turned dry and exhaustion forced her to sleep. Sienna lay there, holding her child, praying to God, for hours. When Sienna finally decided to get up she planted a kiss on Bleu’s forehead. “I love you, my smart girl,” she whispered before leaving the room.

  Noah sat outside of the door, his back leaned against the wall as his elbows rested on his knees. He looked up when Sienna exited.

  “How is she?” he asked.

  Sienna sniffed as she wiped her emotional eyes. “She’s in a bad way, but she’ll be okay. She’s going to crash, for days probably, and when she wakes up is when the hard part begins. She’s going to see why she has to kick this. I have to show her,” Sienna said. “I’ve been so selfish. I have to be selfless in order to save my daughter.”

  Noah stood, confused by her ramblings but grateful that she was on board to contribute to Bleu’s recovery.

  “You take care of her,” Sienna said as she walked by him, heading for the door.

  Noah nodded. I always have, he thought as she disappeared from sight.

  * * *

  Sienna went back to the hole-in-the-wall motel room where she lived. It was all she could afford on the waitress’s paycheck that the diner provided. She couldn’t complain. It had four walls, running water, and a bed. She had slept in much worse places. She had made a plan for the next six months of her life that centered around staying clean. She went to meetings faithfully, she read the Bible nightly and prayed religiously to God to deliver her. Sienna had worked hard to stay away from the life, but when she had seen her daughter she knew that what happened to her no longer mattered. She was heartbroken, her emotions spent by the mere thought of her Bleu being more like her than she would have ever wanted. Bleu never knew, but Sienna had bragged on her daily. My baby out in la-la land kicking ass and taking names, Sienna would tell her friends as they all sat around enjoying a good high. She knew the people whose ears she sang Bleu’s praises to could care less, but still Sienna gloated anyway. Bleu was a representation of Sienna, so the fact that she had made it out was fulfilling for Sienna.

  She had to get that smart shit from somewhere. That’s me in her, Sienna would say.

  Sienna was devastated to find out that Bleu was more like her than she thought. Bleu had gone all the way to California and brought home a la-la land addiction. Sienna knew that it was all her fault.

  She sat down and pulled the twenty-dollar rock out of the front of her apron and then rolled the brand-new glass pipe between her fingers as her vision misted with regret. Her heart raced as she struggled with her decision. She pulled the needle out of her apron. Fuck smoking it. In order for it to hit her quickly she needed it in her veins. She wanted it to happen fast and quick. She knew it would be the best high of her life. She picked up her phone and sent Ms. Monica her home address.

  Sienna wanted to be strong, to stay the course of her journey as a new woman, but seeing Bleu had left her feeling so empty. This was the only way to rectify the many wrongs she had committed against her daughter. Sienna had cherished the moments that she had spent with Bleu in her clear mind. It was the first time she had looked at how beautiful Bleu was through sober eyes. Sienna wished that she hadn’t taken it for granted before. She had missed so much. Ripping and running through the back alleys of Flint had robbed her of all credibility as a parent. She hoped she could make up for that now. She hoped Bleu would appreciate her one day.

  Sienna picked up a piece of paper and pen. These would be her last thoughts as a clean woman, so she wanted to document them before she put the needle in her arm.

  My beautiful Bleu,

  I don’t know if you know how you got your name; in fact, I’m pretty sure that I never told you. We never had the mother-daughter heart-to-hearts, but the day you were born I saw the clearest blue sky. You were about to bust out of my pussy and rip me from front to back and the only thing that took the pain away was gazing at that sky. I can still remember the hues of blue and white. I had never seen anything more beautiful until I set my eyes on you, and so Bleu Montclair was born. I wish I had tried so much harder to get to know you, because knowing you and truly being loved by you is a blessing. It is a privilege that I missed out on because of my foolish ways. I’m less than a woman because I failed to love my child. That was the one job I was put on this earth to do and I failed. I am so sorry. From the bottom of my being, I regret every day that passed that I neglected you. I’m sorry for every man I let hurt you. I was chasing the devil’s tail and being so stupid. I was a bad mother and a selfish person. God trusted me with you and I ruined you. I tore you down before the world ever got its hands on you, so you were equipped with nothing to defend yourself with. I never told you that I love you, but know that I do. As I write this my mind is as clear as that blue sky on the day you were born and the thing I know most in this moment is that I love you, my daughter.

  I hope you don’t judge me after you read this, because what I’m about to do next is for you. You have to see what will happen to you if you continue to abuse drugs. You have to know that it will kill you. That it will destroy you as it is about to destroy me. Do not end up like me, Bleu. I have the will to stay clean. Before seeing you today I would have stayed clean. I’m getting high today to show you that if you continue to smoke dope, or shoot poison in your veins, or even just do a quick snort to pick you up from time to time you will die. You will end up dead, soul first, but your body will inevitably follow. Get clean for me. Do it to prove that you are nothing like me, you are better than me. I’m sorry for the love I never showed you, because despite my actions I always felt it. I know you will never understand, but I’m doing this now to be the sacrifice that will make you wake up and get you to fight for your life. Get clean, Bleu, and when it gets hardest and you think you can’t take the pain just look up into the sky. I’m sorry, Bleu. My heart will forever hold you in it.

  Your mother,

  Sienna

  Sienna folded the letter and addressed it, then set it on the nightstand in the room. She picked up the crack rock. This time felt different from all the other times she had done this same routine. She knew it would be her last taste. She had purchased a hot shot from one of the local dealers. The bag of bad dope would kill her certainly, feeling good momentarily before sizzling in her veins and going straight to her brain. She was afraid, but most of all she was ready. Ready to leave this life of pain and regret behind. More so, Sienna was ready to show Bleu what her reality would be if she stayed on this reckless path. Sienna hoped her death wouldn’t be in vain, but in her gut she knew that as Bleu mourned her dead body it would give her the strength she needed to get back on her feet.

  Sienna tied a belt around her arm, then melted down the dope. She drew in a sharp breath as she stuck the needle in a bulging vein. A tear slid down her face as bliss overtook her. Somehow the last high felt just as orgasmic as the first, probably because each of them was the last of their kind; she would never feel this way again. Her first hit had birthed her and the final one would put her to rest. A burning sensation ran up her arm and Sienna’s mouth fell open in an O of excruciation before her body seized and she fell out of the chair. Her head hit the floor with a sickening crack, blinding her as everything turned white before her eyes. Sienna had once heard that when you were a child of God death would be painless, euphoric in fact, as God welcomed his angel into heaven. She knew exactly where she was going. The amount o
f pain she felt was immeasurable, and as every second ticked by she knew she had earned a one-way ticket to hell. It was too late to repent. She just prayed that her death would save Bleu’s life.

  19

  Ms. Monica stepped out of her car and looked up at the motel. She wasn’t sure who had texted her the address in the wee hours of the morning, but something had drawn her here. At first she thought it might have been Noah sending her a message through someone else, but when he had called her this morning to thank her for assisting him with Bleu last night she knew that he hadn’t sent the message. She approached the room and knocked on the door. She wasn’t frightened but more wary of what she might be walking into. No one answered and Ms. Monica frowned, deciding to walk to the front office.

  “How can I help you?” the front-desk clerk asked.

  “Who is in room nine A?” Ms. Monica asked.

  “I can’t tell you that, ma’am. I have to protect our guests’ privacy,” the clerk responded.

  Ms. Monica sighed and pulled a hundred-dollar bill out of her purse and set it on the countertop. “I really need to know who is in that room,” she insisted.

  The clerk slid the money into her pocket before typing into the computer.

  “Looks like a Sienna Montclair is checked into that room.”

  Ms. Monica frowned. “I need you to open the room for me,” she said as an ominous feeling of doom filled her.

  “I can’t do that.”

  “Listen. Sienna is a recovering drug addict and she sent me this text late last night. I’m afraid she might be using in that room. Now if you don’t let me in I can call the police and I’m sure they will be more than willing to kick in the door,” Ms. Monica said.

  The clerk made a copy of the plastic key card and then handed it to Ms. Monica.

  She hustled, half-running, half-walking, as she rushed back to Sienna’s room. “God, please let this woman still be clean,” Ms. Monica whispered before opening the door.