Shame

by Fiona Cole

  Kevin

  Biting my bottom lip, I couldn’t hold back my smile. He knew me so well. Just seeing the physical proof of that sent a riot of butterflies through my chest. Not wanting to wait a second, I uncorked my wine and grabbed a glass, heading to the bathroom.

  Once I settled into the warm water, I took my first sip of wine just as my phone vibrated on the stool next to me.

  Kevin: Send pics so I know you followed my orders.

  Kevin: Nudity optional. ;)

  I laughed and heat crept into my cheeks at his last comment. What would Kevin do if I sent him a picture of my breasts? Probably come kick down my door. The thought thrilled me and my heart stuttered in excitement just imagining it.

  Tempting, but I wasn’t ready for that. Still, I decided to push his buttons. Holding the camera up, I snapped a pic of my lips and top curves of my breasts, the rest hidden under the cloudy water.

  Kevin: -growls-

  Kevin: Tease.

  Laughing, I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head. I’d spent a whole evening with Andrew, and yet a small note and a couple of exchanged texts made me feel happier and lighter than I had all week.

  It terrified me.

  Kevin represented the things I shouldn’t want.

  Not if what I was seeking was normal.

  Chapter Thirty

  Kevin

  Instead of focusing on my calculus homework spread out over the table in front of me, I couldn’t stop looking at Ana. Her blond hair—which usually hung past her shoulders—was bunched into a messy knot on her head. Combined with the dark circles under her eyes, I knew she wasn’t getting much sleep.

  Taking care of her mom was stressing her out. I knew she hated making decisions, and now she was making all the big ones alone. I wanted to help her, take the weight of the world off her shoulders. But my Ana was strong-willed and despite her desire to let someone care for her, she didn’t pass her burdens off to anyone else. She blew out a heavy breath through pursed lips and scrubbed a hand over her face. She needed a break and I wanted to get her to talk to me.

  “How’s your mom?”

  She looked up, flopping back in her seat, and my heart broke taking in how dull her eyes looked.

  “She’s . . .” Her tongue slicked across her lips as she looked down, thinking of her words. “She’s okay. We chose a nurse aide, but my mom didn’t like her. So, we had to find a new one. It seems to be going okay, but I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop and to get a phone call from the aide telling me she’s been locked out again.”

  I winced, imagining how that went. “My parents won’t be traveling again until after the summer. They’ll be right next door. You know they still love you and would be happy to help when needed. You can always give them a call. Or have me call.”

  Just that small suggestion made her wilt in relief. My chest swelled with pride, knowing I put that smile on her face, no matter how small.

  “Thank you, Kevin. Really.”

  Needing to be closer, I moved my seat until I was beside her. I lifted my hand, rubbing my thumb under the bruises below her eyes. “How are you?”

  She stared at me, and her brow furrowed as her eyes glazed over. She sniffed and nodded her head, not able to get any words out. I let her have her moment, wiping the tears away when they managed to escape, despite her effort to hold them back. When they stopped, I dropped my hand next to hers on the table and linked our pinkies. She stared at our hands and then lifted her eyes to mine.

  I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to touch her with more than just my pinky. I wanted to dig my hands into her hair and pull her into me so I could bite at her full cupid’s bow.

  “Kevin.” Katelyn’s voice broke me out of my daze and I swiveled my head, watching her approach from across the library- Andrew by her side. My jaw clenched when Ana’s hand slipped out from mine. My molars ground together harder when she turned to Andrew with a genuine smile.

  Andrew pressed a kiss to the top of her head and pulled out the seat next to her, watching me to see my reaction to his display of affection. I fought to keep a neutral face when his hand snaked behind her chair and began massaging her neck.

  Katelyn sat next to me and rested her chin on her hand, staring at me with a lazy smile. “Hey, handsome.”

  “Hey, Katelyn. How’ve you been?”

  “Missing you.” She practically purred.

  “Yeah. I’ve been pretty busy.”

  She scrunched her nose, but changed the direction of the conversation. “What are you guys working on?”

  “Calculus,” Ana said. “We were actually finishing up.” Maybe it was wishful thinking, but Ana’s stare seemed harder and not as friendly as I knew her to be when looking at Katelyn. Was she jealous? I had to fight from puffing my chest thinking that Ana would be jealous of a girl interested in me.

  “Can I take you to lunch when you’re done here?” Andrew asked Ana.

  Her eyes flicked to mine as she brushed loose strands behind her ear. “Um, sure. That sounds good.”

  “Yeah, we got a lot done. But if you have any questions, you can call me. Or even swing by my place and we can work on it.” It was a low blow letting Andrew know that she knew where I lived, that we talked on the phone, that she was comfortable enough to come over whenever. But it felt good to get the jab in.

  “Thanks. I really appreciate your help. With everything,” she added, looking me dead in the eyes. She was thanking me for being there and that felt better than my earlier jab at Andrew.

  “Anytime.”

  “Oooo,” Katelyn said, looking at her phone. “I just saw on Facebook that there’s a new bar and grill opening next week called Mulligan’s.”

  “I heard about that. It’s supposed to be really good,” Andrew said, moving his hand to her shoulder with light circles. Dick.

  “We should all go together,” Katelyn said.

  My head swiveled to Ana to see how she reacted to the idea. I thought it sounded like a mess waiting to happen.

  “Would you want to do that?” Andrew asked Ana. “Or we can do something else. Whatever sounds good to you.”

  Ana’s lips pinched and turned to me. As much as I wasn’t a fan of this pseudo double date, anytime I could interrupt his time with her, I wanted to take it. So, I agreed, knowing she’d go along with my decision and not have to decide for herself.

  “I’m in.”

  Ana nodded. “Sure. Sounds like fun.”

  “Awesome. I’m so excited,” Katelyn exclaimed, standing to wrap her arms around my waist. Ana’s lip looked like it curled in a silent growl, and there was no way I could hold back the smile.

  Yeah, she was jealous and I loved it.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Ana

  There was a knock at the door, and I really, really wanted to ignore it. The day had sucked. I’d had a call from my mom’s nurse aide reporting that she seemed more tired than usual. I’d asked her to call me with any changes, but a part of me wished I’d just left myself in the dark. That way I didn’t have to face the reality of what my mom was going through. Each message chipped away at my strength and the hope that she’d be able to beat the cancer. Each message reminded me of the possibility of losing her, and it scared the shit out of me.

  I didn’t want to deal with anything at that moment. But when the knocking grew more persistent, I gave in, peeled myself off the couch, and yanked open the door. Not even seeing Kevin’s smiling face could make me feel better.

  “Kevin, I’m tir—.”

  “Nope.” He held up his hand. “Have you eaten?”

  “I’m not hungry.”

  “Yes, you are.” He knocked my arm down from where it held the door and strolled past me, swinging the door closed behind him. “And I’m going to feed you,” he announced, looking around my apartment.

  “Kevin,” I sighed, too tired to put up more of an argument.

  “I know it sucks, Ana. And I know you’re tired, but I’m going to take care of yo
u and feed you.”

  The serious look on his face and softly spoken words irritated me. How dare he barge in and cause a flutter in my chest because he’d come to take care of me? I shouldn’t feel any excitement about his highhandedness. Didn’t I want a normal man? One who listened when I said I was tired and not hungry? I shouldn’t want a man who disregarded my words and acted like he knew me better than I knew myself; knew what I needed.

  But Kevin did know me.

  I ignored the voice in my head and dug deeper for my irritation.

  “I’m ordering Italian and wine—a red,” he announced, pulling menus from our junk drawer.

  “What if I don’t want Italian? What if I want white wine? Or beer?”

  He lifted his eyes from the menus and cocked an eyebrow, calling me on my lie with just a look. “You love Italian. It’s your favorite comfort food. And you love red wine with Italian.” His eyes scanned the menu. “So, hush and let me feed you.”

  I did love Italian food, and listening to him order my favorite dishes made my eyes burn. He knew me, and letting that knowledge sink in made me feel more cherished than I had in a while. I felt like a dick when I compared the way Kevin barged into my house and ordered my favorites without any decision-making from me to the way Andrew tried to help, but had left the night and all the decisions at my already exhausted feet. I shouldn’t be comparing the two like I was trying to pick the better man. They were both great in their own ways.

  Kevin and I were just friends, and Andrew and I were just . . .hanging out? Dating? Waiting for me to want more?

  It was too heavy to think about.

  Instead, I went back to where I was trying to become one with my couch, and waited for Kevin to feed me. At the mention of fettuccine, my stomach had changed its mind about being hungry and growled, loudly proclaiming that Kevin had been right. Asshole. Sweet, caring, asshole. Kevin sat beside me after turning on HGTV because he knew I loved it on as background noise, even though I never really watched it.

  He answered the door when the food came and set it all up before me. He sat in silence next to me as we ate and stared at the screen because he knew that in my state of mind, I needed to eat without interruption. He knew everything about me.

  Once I set my empty plate on the coffee table, he nonchalantly asked without taking his eyes off the television, “So, Andrew?”

  I wondered how long he’d been sitting on that question. “Andrew and I are just casual.”

  He nodded and turned to look at me. His chocolate eyes seemed to be digging deep inside and searching for more behind my words. “Casual? Casual sex?”

  If I’d been eating, I’d have choked. The direct question shocked me, and I struggled to fumble through a response. “N-no. Not that it’s any of your business.”

  “I’m your best friend. Of course it’s my business.” The words were light, but the serious look in his eyes told a different story. They held an edge that let me know he didn’t like me hedging about my relationship with Andrew. They screamed that he didn’t like the idea of me with another man.

  “Are you, the Kevin Harding, jealous?” I taunted, trying to lighten the mood.

  He didn’t smile and didn’t even pause before answering. “Yes.”

  The word constricted my lungs, and I didn’t know what to do with it. My mind scrambled for a response, taking stock of my body, trying to control my lungs and the rapid beating of my heart. What was my face doing? Did it show how shocked I was or how much I was struggling to process his response? I latched on to the first thought in my head and spit it out. “What about Katelyn?”

  Shit. His smirk let me know I picked the wrong thing to say. He probably thought I was jealous since I brought her up right after he admitted to being jealous of Andrew.

  “I’ve known Katelyn for a couple of years.” He shifted his position on the couch, turning to face me. “Nothing serious. We just have sex casually and infrequently.”

  Yup. I was jealous.

  Hearing him admit to having sex with Katelyn churned my stomach, and I fought to not curl my lip. I hated the bitch for having seen my Kevin naked. I hated her for having experienced him.

  No, not my Kevin. God, I was a mess and didn’t know how to rid myself of the reaction. Didn’t know how to speak words anymore. Instead, I nodded and looked down at my hands.

  “Jealous?”

  I didn’t want to answer. Kevin was my friend, and we were tipping into territory we shouldn’t. No, I didn’t answer. I went one better and ended up spewing more questions that might as well have screamed that Fuck yes! I was a raging jealous woman. “Have you had the casual se-sex, recently.” Damn my stutter

  “No. We have not had the casual se-sex recently,” he said with a smile.

  “Don’t make fun of me.” I lifted my chin and glowered at him.

  “Since when do you stutter over the word sex?” His eyes sparkled and his lips pursed like he was fighting another smile. Asshole was laughing at me.

  “I don’t.”

  “Oh, yeah? Prove it.”

  I never backed down from a challenge from Kevin. We always battled. Mostly in games, but I had a point to prove. “Sex, sex, sex, sex. SEX!” I shouted at the end.

  He laughed and the sound wrapped around me. Wiping his eyes, he got his laughter under control. “Such a dirty girl.”

  “You know it,” I said.

  His eyes heated, rolling over my body, leaving a burn each place they touched. We’d fallen into a dangerous place. I wanted to spread myself out and let him stroke me with more than just his gaze.

  And we needed to get the fuck away from the situation. “Let’s go get ice cream,” I announced, standing up, ready to go.

  He didn’t call me on my random suggestion. Just rose and got our coats.

  We got ice cream at a local shop and then drove to the nearby river walk. He parked the car and opened the windows, leaving it on so we could listen to music as we sat on a bench and ate our dessert. We watched the glow of the moon in the water and listened to the sounds of the night. No one else had the bright idea to eat ice cream outside at the end of winter, so we were alone.

  “How’s your mom?” he asked once we finished eating.

  “She’s okay.”

  “You can talk to me, Ana.”

  “I know. It’s just hard to talk about.”

  “Okay. Let’s try something easier. How’s your dad dealing with it?”

  I laughed. “Dad is dad. Avoiding it and gruff about it. I know it upsets him, but he doesn’t really show much emotion. I never expected him to. But he’s supportive in his own way, offering to help with any medical bills. Shayla has been annoyingly supportive. Offering to come visit and bake casseroles. Of course she says prayers every night.”

  We both laughed at the image. “That would be weird as hell having your stepmom taking care of your mom. I almost want to see it happen.”

  “God no,” I chuckled. “The nurse aide helps do all that anyway.” I paused, wanting to lean on Kevin, but needing a moment to gather my thoughts. “The aide called today and said Mom was having a bad day. Really weak. Apparently, she rolled her ankle. She’d been feeling dizzy and stumbled. I asked for updates, but I hate them. I hate them, Kevin,” I started crying and he wrapped an arm around my shoulder, pulling me into his chest. “I just wish I could get a phone call with good news that doesn’t chip away at my hope.”

  He held me close and we sat, listening to the music. When Secondhand Serenade came on, he wiped my tears and pulled me up. “Dance with me.”

  I stepped into his arms. I was transported back to the night of prom when we danced to the same song. He’d always been able to put me back together and I knew he always would. My head fell to his chest and I let the beat of his heart against my cheek soothe me. His lips pressed into my hair and he breathed me in.

  “God, I’ve missed you,” he whispered.

  I didn’t want to say anything to ruin the moment. I didn’t want to talk ab
out why he’d missed me. I couldn’t. I was too lost in the emotions swarming through me. The hurt from how I left, the betrayal I’d felt when he wouldn’t defend who we were, the lust we’d shared, the desire I still felt coursing through my veins, heating my blood. The friendship. The love.

  “Kevin . . .”

  He pulled back and I lifted my head, looking up at him, getting lost in his eyes. “Missed you so much,” he said again, his thumb brushing against my cheek.

  I swallowed and slicked my tongue across my lips as he lowered his head. When his lips gently landed on mine, I didn’t pull away. I let myself get lost in the memories and feel the warmth in the familiarity of his mouth on mine.

  The kiss started gently, but when his hand dug into my hair, he held me in place and took control, pressing harder, pulling back just enough to nip at my lips. Each bite sent a jolt straight to my core.

  His tongue didn’t brush against my lips. It pressed at the seam, demanding entrance, not leaving any room for denial. But I fought anyways. I pressed them tighter together and only gave in when he growled and yanked my hair. His tongue invaded my mouth, brushing against mine, pulling a moan from deep inside my chest.

  He walked me backward until I felt the rough bark of a tree against my back. His lips trailed to my ear where he bit my earlobe hard enough that I wondered if he drew blood.

  “Ana.” His breath brushed against my ear. “Is this okay?”

  “What?” My mind fumbled. Kevin never asked permission. It wasn’t what we did.

  He pulled back to look at me, still pushing me against the bark. His serious eyes pinned me in place. “Is this okay? I don’t . . .” He paused and swallowed. “I don’t want to hurt you or bring back any bad memories.”

  I turned my face, shame swallowing me. Anger burning in me that he even had to ask. Kevin’s hand lifted my chin to face him.