Shame

by Fiona Cole

  Up until that night, I hadn’t chosen Kevin over Andrew, but pulling up to his apartment had me questioning the step I was taking. I wanted normal, I reminded myself. I wanted to want Andrew. To feel an inferno instead of a spark when he kissed me. To be happy enough with his sweet gesture to follow me home and give me a massage, which he knew I loved so much.

  To look at him and not feel the weight of a secret that could make him look at me in disgust. I wanted that with anyone in my future.

  Yet, I didn’t have to hide anything from Kevin. He knew me and accepted me anyway without judgment. That weight wasn’t there. But then I remembered how Kevin had abandoned me when someone questioned our desires. What if it happened again? Would he stand by me? I wanted to be a teacher and if there was even a whisper about my preferences, I’d never find a job. I imagined the gossip: She likes to be controlled, spanked, and bruised. A woman who is influencing our children is promoting abuse.

  A chill ran down my spine, and I almost turned around, until I saw Kevin standing outside and my eyes met his. I felt his gravitational pull and it was impossible to resist. Shoving all thoughts aside, I climbed out and walked toward him. He didn’t say a word as he opened the door and led me up the stairs. When we reached the door, he shoved me against the wall and crashed his mouth on mine.

  His hands gripped my ass and lifted me up, bringing my legs around his waist. My groan turned into a whimper when his teeth clamped down on my collarbone. I thrust my hands in his hair and yanked his head back, staring him in his eyes with all the fire he had evoked in me. Without saying anything, I demanded he take me inside.

  He nipped at my forearm before turning and entering his apartment, kicking the door shut behind us. A low light came from somewhere down the hall inside his apartment, but I didn’t get a chance to see where it led before I was up against another wall. I began pulling up his shirt as he moved us again, slamming my back against exposed brick and resting my ass on an entryway table.

  In my lust-filled haze, I wondered if maybe the back of my dress had torn, and it sent a thrill through me to have a mark from the night.

  My hands shook as they got his buckle undone and the button and zipper open. I was barely able to focus on the task with his hands fumbling with the tiny buttons on the front of my dress. When he got enough opened to see my chest, he tugged it down the rest of the way and latched onto my nipple, biting painfully hard through the lace of my bra. His fingers wasted no time in finding my panties and shoving them to the side. All the pressure that had built up during our quick strip released when he pushed in to me, groaning into my cleavage.

  He pounded into me over and over again, rocking the table into the wall with loud thumps. I gripped the edge with one hand while the other dug into the skin at the top of his ass, digging underneath the denim of his pants we’d been too frantic to remove. Sucking kisses rained all over my chest mixed with sharp bites to my nipples, only to be soothed by his tongue swirling around the tender tip. Each swipe dragging me closer and closer to my release. His hand lifted to wrap around my throat and squeezed just enough to let me know he was in control. His long fingers would pulse between long squeezes that had me questioning how far he would go to releasing and letting me gasp for precious air.

  I wanted to relish the feel of his body wrapped around mine, holding me close, but I was in a losing battle to hold off my orgasm. When his thumb landed on my clit, I exploded and bit my lips trying to hold back my groans of pleasure. My pussy contracted and my nails dragged up his back trying to find purchase as chills broke out across my skin.

  He groaned in pain and began thrusting harder and shorter, panting in my ear and finally latching on to the soft lobe as he came, holding himself inside me. We remained still and caught our breath for less than a minute before he pulled back and gently brushed his lips against mine, pulling his softening cock out of me. Balancing on the table, I watched as he stripped out of his pants and walked into a room off the entryway. He reappeared again with a wet washcloth and it wasn’t until he had it pressed between my legs that I realized he was cleaning me because we hadn’t used a condom.

  “Shit.”

  “I’m clean, Ana. I’m not sleeping with anyone but you.” His low, deep voice rolled over my skin, turning me on all over again as his eyes stayed glued between my legs.

  “Me neither. I’m not sleeping with anyone but you. I’m on birth control. And I’ve never not used a condom.” His eyes flicked to mine in surprise, but quickly returned to the task of cleaning me. He’d probably assumed I was sleeping with Andrew.

  “I love seeing you filled with my cum,” he growled.

  “Animal.” I laughed.

  Kevin leaned in and snapped at me. I yelped, and we both laughed. It was amazing how quickly we could go from deep and sexy right back to a friendship filled with laughter. It was everything I wanted and everything I was scared to have.

  The next morning, light assaulted my eyes, as I stretched, realizing I wasn’t in my own bed. It took only a moment for the night to come rushing back. My breath caught in my throat and a shiver wracked my body. With a smile, I rolled over to find the space next to me empty.

  The smell of coffee hit me before I saw Kevin appear in the doorway of the bedroom carrying two cups, naked as the day he was born. God, he was sexy, all long lean limbs. He may have stopped playing soccer, but he obviously still worked on his body. If anything, he seemed bigger. I thought he looked like a man at eighteen, but at twenty-two he was proving me wrong. I wondered what he would look like in five more years. Would I be around to see it?

  He hopped on the bed, causing me to bounce and laugh. An immature giggle slipped free at watching his soft cock bounce against his thigh.

  “You should know better than to laugh at a man’s junk.”

  “Sorry. I couldn’t help it.”

  He growled and yanked the thick white comforter off, leaving me covered in a thin blue sheet. “I’ll make you pay for it later. With lots of licks and kisses. For now, here is your phone to read or play games. We are staying in bed for coffee. And this,” he said swatting my ass, “is my table.”

  He rested his cup on the cheek of my ass and leaned back against the pillows propping him against the wall, snapping open a newspaper.

  “What?” I squeaked. “What about your nightstand?”

  “I like this one better.” He cocked his eyebrow at me before returning to reading. “I suggest you don’t move. The coffee is hot and would probably burn the soft skin of your ass.”

  I glowered, but had to turn my head to hide the smile. Something about being used as a piece of furniture heated me more than the mug resting on my backside. I muttered, “Sadist,” but he didn’t respond, and I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he was turning me on. It was useless because when I glanced at him again, he was smirking.

  I unlocked my phone and opened the Kindle app, reading and enjoying the lazy morning in bed. Occasionally, he would lift his cup to take a sip and let me take a drink of my own, but then immediately returned his coffee back to its spot.

  It was sadistic, domesticated bliss. And I loved it. But I was confused by it too.

  The last time he lifted his mug, he didn’t return it to my butt. I heard it thud against his nightstand and felt the bed shift before a lone finger dragged down my back, pulling the sheet with it until I was bared to the dimples at the base of my spine. The finger traveled back up sending goose bumps spreading outward. Back and forth, while my mind spun with questions.

  “What are we doing?” I asked the question that had been at the forefront of my mind since we first fucked in the park. He’d told me to relax and just enjoy it. But the comfort of lying in bed with him, like we were living some kind of normal life, spurred me to ask what the hell was going on.

  “What do you mean? We’re enjoying a lazy Sunday in my bed. I’m dragging my finger up your delicious back and imagining mounting you from behind so I can stare at it while I fuck
you.”

  “Kevin—”

  “Ana.”

  “Don’t. Don’t turn this sexual. What are we doing?” I repeated.

  He stopped his finger and adjusted himself to lie next to me, propping his head up on his hand. “Whatever you want us to be doing. Like I said, I know you have a lot going on, and I want to be here for you. You’re my best friend. You just also happen to be the only woman who accepts me and lets me fuck the way I need to. But the friendship comes first.” He paused and searched my face. “What do you want to be doing, Ana?”

  My head flopped forward and I buried it in the pillow, letting it muffle my words. “I don’t know.”

  I didn’t know.

  My body and mind were in a tug of war and I wasn’t sure which one I wanted to win. So many factors played a role in my decisions, but it didn’t seem like I could get any of them to line up and make sense. I wanted Andrew because he made me laugh, relax, and he had the promise of a normal life. I wanted Kevin because he was my friend. He came without secrets and lit me up with a desire only he understood. “I feel like a cheater,” I confessed, turning my head just enough to look at him.

  “Why?” His brows furrowed at my statement. “Because of Andrew?” I nodded into the pillow. “Have you promised to be exclusive with him? Has he asked you to?”

  “No, but—”

  “No buts about it.” He shoved my shoulder, moving me to my back and laying on top of me. “You are not a cheater. You are one of the kindest people I know. You don’t owe anyone anything. Not even me. Right now, you are taking care of yourself and taking things that feel good to you. You shouldn’t feel guilty about it.” He leaned in and kissed me softly, soothing me with his lips before trailing down my neck and moving across my chest. “Does this feel good?”

  “Yes.” I gasped when his teeth bit my nipple too hard.

  “Then that’s all that matters.” His body lifted and he used his legs to spread mine. “If I were a better man, maybe I would step aside.” His kisses moved lower across my stomach. “But I’m not.” My core clenched when his tongue dipped into my belly button, a hint as to where he was heading. “I’m a man who knows what you need and would move heaven and earth to give it to you.”

  I wasn’t sure I believed that I wasn’t a cheater, or that I should focus on myself.

  But with his tongue inside me and the painful, bruising grip he had on my hips, I really didn’t care.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Ana

  “You like it when I fuck you from behind like the slut you are,” Kevin growled. His tongue flicked my ear before biting down on the soft lobe. The sharp sting, paired with his degrading words had my orgasm crashing over me again and again. My fingers dug into the soft comforter on my bed as I tried to support myself on shaking arms. “Say it. Say you’re my slut.”

  “Yes.” I breathed the word in, trying desperately to get oxygen into my lungs. “Yes,” I said again, louder.

  “Mine.”

  “Yours.”

  His arm wrapped around me, slithering up between my breasts and gripping my throat, pulling me upright into his chest. Holding me in place, his hips pushed harder and harder inside me as his mouth latched onto my shoulder and sucked, leaving a mark. My hand gripped his thrusting hip while he pushed in one last time, moaning his release into my skin.

  We fell to the bed and he rolled off me, pulling me to the side so I could stay in his arms. We lay there for a moment and I closed my eyes, focusing on the tickling feel of his finger skimming across my shoulder.

  “You’ll need to change your dress to cover my mark.”

  It was impossible to miss the possessive pleasure in his tone at seeing the dark hickey standing out on my skin. I huffed out a breath and rose from the bed. “Dammit, Kevin. I like this dress.”

  I had a date with Andrew to meet his parents. The dress was perfect for the warm spring weather.

  “Since you can’t wear it, can I rip it off you?”

  I rolled my eyes at him over my shoulder, taking him in. His golden skin gleamed in the sunlight pouring in from my window. It trailed over his hard stomach and seemed to spotlight his softened dick lying atop his lowered jeans, still coated and shining from our mixed release. It shouldn’t have turned me on, but it did. “No. You already ripped my panties off me. You can’t have my dress too,” I grumbled, pulling my dress over my head and entered my walk-in closet to hang it back up.

  I flicked through my clothes, searching for another dress that would cover his mark. Glancing in the full-length mirror on the back of my closet door reminded me of more reasons I wanted a normal life. I didn’t like constantly worrying if I’d have things in my wardrobe to cover the bruises. And if I didn’t cover them, then someone might possibly get the wrong idea.

  “Wear the yellow one,” Kevin said from the bedroom. “It has short sleeves and it makes your breasts look fantastic.”

  I popped my head out of the closet. “You do realize where I’m going, right?”

  “Yeah.” He smiled a cocky smile. “But I know the whole time you’re wearing it, you’ll be thinking about how I made you wear the dress and how I’m thinking of your perfect tits. Maybe I’ll take a picture so I can jack off to it later.”

  “I won’t be thinking about you at all today.” I went for bold and hard, but my voice came out breathy. My body made a liar of me when his eyes dropped to my thighs and he smirked at how I’d been squeezing them together.

  “Maybe I’ll tie you to this bed and spank your ass red before you leave. That way, every time you sit, you’ll have no choice but think of me.”

  I licked my lips and swallowed hard. My mind scrambled for a flippant reply, but all I could imagine was his hand stinging against my bare ass. I had nothing, so I shrugged my shoulders and went back into the closet to grab the stupid yellow dress.

  “You have to leave,” I said, walking out of the closet. He’d known I had plans that afternoon, but stopped by anyway. Me, being the weak woman I was, not only let him come in, but allowed him to defile me before my date with another man. Fuck, I was the shittiest human being. But then I remembered Kevin’s words. I made no promises to anyone but myself, and if Andrew asked, I wouldn’t lie to him, and he’d be able to make his own decision. He knew we weren’t exclusive.

  Kevin stood and grumbled, but still pulled up his pants and put on a shirt. I walked him to the door once he had his shoes on and he leaned down and gave me a bruising kiss. Once he was done, I knew my lips would look red and swollen. Asshole. Sexy asshole. “I’ll see you later.” One more kiss and he was gone.

  Seeing I had more than an hour before Andrew arrived, I decided to shower. Kevin may have done his best to mark me, but I didn’t want to be so insulting to have his scent on me for my date with Andrew and his family. I hadn’t planned on lunch with his family. He’d invited me out on what I’d assumed was a date, but then a few days later announced that his parents would be there too.

  Rubbing a hand through my hair, I blew out a sigh. It felt like I was living two different lives. The one I wanted where I dated a guy slowly and he treated me with respect. We’d been dating for a few months and now I was meeting his parents. It was the type of relationship parents wanted for their little girl.

  Then there was Kevin. The guy I’d known forever—my best friend—and the one I let fuck me and degrade me and use me any way he wanted. The relationship that looked like abuse from the outside, but, to me, felt like the most caring kind of love. He was the one most people would think was a wrong choice. The one I shouldn’t want.

  I was a mess.

  The knock at the door saved me from any further analyzing. I opened it to find Andrew smiling down on me. His blue eyes shining with excitement and heat as he looked me over, before leaning down to kiss me. His lips lingered and pushed for more. When he pulled back and nipped at my lips, a shock vibrated my body and for the first time, more than a spark lit inside me. Andrew wasn’t usually so forward, but I
couldn’t say I didn’t like the extra desire that made his eyes darken. Something was different today and my heart skipped a beat as I thought about what the day held for us.

  He looked handsome in a light blue polo, with gray slacks encasing his long legs. Andrew was tall and a little gangly, but muscular enough for his chest to stretch his shirt.

  “You look amazing,” he said softly, capturing my hand in his. I let the comfort sink into my skin and spread up my arms. I waited for another shot of heat, chasing the thrill from earlier, but it never came. Just comfort. Maybe the desire would come again later. I had to hope.

  “Thank you. You look pretty good yourself.”

  He opened my door when we got to the car, and again when we got to the country club. The white building intimidated me with its size and prestige. The warm wood and dark red accents screamed elite. I held on to Andrew a little bit tighter, needing him to guide me. He pulled me to him and before we entered, let his hand drop lower than my waist, his fingertips grazing the top of my bottom. My eyes wide, I caught a glimpse of his smile. I liked this side of Andrew, playful and more forward.

  He lifted his hand to my waist when we walked through a doorway that led to a large bright room lined with glass patio doors leading out to a terrace overlooking the golf course below. The rolling hills captured my attention until Andrew spoke. “Ana, this is my mother, Clara, and my father, Lincoln. Mom. Dad. This is Anabelle.”

  A tall, thin woman wearing a white maxi skirt and silk top extended her hand. Gold bracelets clinked as we shook hands. She stood tall and proud, her confidence was so much that I felt a residual amount seep into me just being in her presence. “Anabelle, hello. It’s so nice to finally meet you.” She smiled and I saw the resemblance between mother and son. He had her sharp nose, dimples, and brilliant blue eyes.

  Andrew’s height and black hair came from his father, but his dad was even taller. He stood with his arm around Andrew’s mom, wearing a light gray suit and a coral tie that matched his wife’s blouse. “Andrew has told us many good things about you.”