Shame

by Fiona Cole

  “You deserve a man you don’t have to hide from,” I clarified.

  I only received a sad smile in return. She had no idea how much she deserved.

  “I have to start going through the house,” she changed the subject.

  “What do you plan on doing with it?”

  “Selling it,” she choked out, tears forming in her eyes. Shit. I knew what this house meant to her. It held the memories of her mom for the last ten years. Hell, it held a lot of memories for me over the past ten years. What would happen when it sold? Would she come back? Would I have a reason to see her anymore? I couldn’t ask those questions yet. The possibility hurt too much.

  “Are you staying here to do it?”

  “Yeah. About six months ago my lease was up and I decided to move back home to help with Mom. I moved a lot of stuff to storage and brought the rest here with me.”

  “And you’re staying here all alone?”

  “Yeah.” I could hear how much she was dreading it in the low pain-filled whisper. “My dad and Shayla got a hotel and offered to let me stay with them, but that was a hard no. I’ve honestly thought about getting a hotel myself. Just so I’m not sitting here alone in my misery.”

  “What if I stayed with you?” The idea came out of my mouth as soon as it formed. Her wide eyes shot to mine and she let out a small laugh.

  “You don’t need to do that. And honestly, I’ve been struggling to sleep and wouldn’t mind being away from here a bit. It will be hard enough to go through everything all day and then sit amongst it all night. I could use some distance.”

  Another idea formed in my head, and I let it roll around this time. I wanted to think of all the possible outs for her and plan a counterattack. The idea was a crazy one, but I figured I had nothing to lose and everything to win.

  “Stay with me.” Her eyebrows rose to her hairline and I pushed on before she could object. “I live downtown, so still close. I’ll come with you every day after I get off work and help you go through everything. But stay with me so you’re not alone, and I can help to get it done faster,” I said in a rush.

  “Kev,” she laughed, clearly thinking I was joking.

  “As a friend. Don’t lock yourself in here by yourself. And don’t waste money on a hotel when you have a place to stay. You can stay with me as a friend. We’ll play games and trash talk. Just like old times.”

  “A friend?” She lifted an eyebrow.

  “Anything you want. Or don’t want.”

  “I don’t know.” She bit her lip and stared back up at the ceiling, as though the ceiling fan had all the answers to life. “Kev, we’ve been through so much. And I’m a mess right now. I mean I just buried my mom. I’m in no state to . . . to do more.” Her voice trembled over the words. “And after what just happened, I can’t ask you to just be my friend. I mean the way we ended things before all this.”

  “You need a friend right now and that’s what I want to be for you.” I would’ve agreed to anything to keep her close. I wanted her, I always would, but her mom had just died, and I couldn’t expect her to be ready for me. I’d give her time. I just needed to be close as I did it. “Come on, Ana. Just let me help. I mean, Shayla will probably offer to stay and help if you’re here alone, and you won’t have an excuse to turn her away. Then you’ll be stuck here, praying over everything,” I said, trying to make her laugh. I was banking on how alone she probably felt, and I didn’t care. I wanted an excuse to be around her.

  “Ugh, you win. Anything but the praying,” she laughed. “But just as friends.” She pointed at me with a serious look tinged with worry—worry if it would be okay between us.

  “Okay, but can you remind me of that when your tits aren’t in my face and your cum isn’t still on my dick.” I couldn’t resist teasing her.

  “Kevin!” She rewarded me with slaps to the chest.

  I rolled away, blocking her. “Okay, okay. Fine.”

  “Just friends.”

  However, she wasn’t done with her punishment because she stood, unashamed of her nudity this time, and walked to the bathroom. Her struggle to fight off the smile, let me know she enjoyed the groan I couldn’t have held back.

  “But feel free to walk around nude. Actually, I’m making it a policy. My house is now a nudist colony.”

  She flipped me off, but turned to smile before disappearing behind the door.

  Chapter Forty-Four

  Ana

  Just friends, just friends, just friends.

  Just. Friends.

  Over and over, I repeated the words as I stared at a topless Kevin, sweating and moving boxes. His arms bulging with every movement and his abs contracting with every exerted breath. Fuck, he was hot. Literally, too, with the way the sweat glistened down his chest, past the rippling abs and lost to the treasure-land below his belt.

  Thankfully he saved me from the hormones overtaking my body when he turned the corner to carry the box downstairs, out of my room.

  The midsummer heat seemed more appropriate for the equator than the Midwest. We’d even missed the worst of the heat by coming in the evening after he got off work. He’d been taking off early most days to get to the house because he didn’t trust me to not come by myself.

  I’d snuck over the first day while he was at work. He’d found me crying on the living room couch and demanded I stayed put until he could help me. I hadn’t argued because I hadn’t wanted to. Just having his presence eased the weight of clearing out the house alone. The jokes and sexy view helped too.

  Four years apart and it was like no time away at all. We picked up right where we’d left off, just like we had in college.

  Minus the sex.

  Other than the first night.

  God, it’d been amazing. I loved it and hated it.

  However, Kev had known I’d needed it. The outlet, the loss of control, the responsibility off my shoulders.

  It was like being on a diet of no sweets for years and you’d convinced yourself that a sweet potato was dessert, but then you have cake and knew that you were a dirty liar, because hot dayum, that cake was better than you remembered. You knew it was wrong and shouldn’t have it because it was bad for you, but it was just too good to deny.

  I hadn’t let myself try to find anyone after Andrew. We’d been together for two years and he was so patient with me when I couldn’t orgasm. I’d faked it and tried endlessly after so many failed attempts, but he knew. When he’d finally sat me down and asked me what I’d needed, pleaded with me to tell him what it was, I’d choked back the truth, and knew our relationship had reached its end. I couldn’t have kept lying to him, and he didn’t deserve a woman who couldn’t be truthful.

  I’d almost moved to Louisville to be with him and was glad when I’d followed my gut and held off. It would have been a waste of our time, and my mom had taken a turn for the worst only a year later. I would’ve had to move back anyway.

  When our relationship ended, a part of me wanted to contact Kevin, and I kept my eyes glued to his house anytime I went home, but I never saw him, and I feared seeing him with a woman or a family of his own. Then I would remind myself of all the reasons I’d walked away in the first place.

  I taught at a high school and was happy at my job, well-respected there. I didn’t want to jeopardize that or make anyone question my character.

  “Jesus, did you keep every band T-shirt you ever owned?” Kevin asked going through the three bottom drawers of my dresser.

  “Just my favorites.”

  “So, all of them.”

  I laughed. He knew me so well. Knew how much I’d loved collecting band T-shirts. He’d even added to the collection when he could for birthdays and holidays.

  “Oh, I remember this one,” he said, holding up my threadbare Coheed and Cambria shirt. “Fuck, you didn’t wear a bra with this shirt, and I jacked off to that image for months.”

  “Kevin,” I shouted, shocked.

  “What? You were hot.”

  “T
hat was back when I first moved next door. I had no idea you thought of me like that then.”

  He cocked an eyebrow at me and pinched his lips, looking at me like I was an idiot to not have known. I’d had no clue. “I was always into you.”

  “Oh . . . I just thought it was because we were,” I paused to think on my words, “we were into the same things.”

  “Ana.” His serious tone called me to stop looking at the floor and up to him. “I’d always liked you. You were hot, funny, gave me shit, and you were my best friend.”

  “Oh, were you into Sean too since he was funny, gave you shit, and was your best friend,” I joked.

  “Ha. Ha.”

  “Did he know just the right way to please you?” I taunted him more, making a blow job motion with my hand and mouth. His eyes heated and he let out a low growl.

  The ringing doorbell saved me from seeing where our conversation was heading.

  I ran down the stairs and opened the door to the sexy blond-haired girl I hadn’t seen since I got back from Tennessee so long ago.

  “Gwen,” I exclaimed, pulling her into a hug.

  “Hey, girl, hey.” She air-kissed my cheeks and stepped into the house carrying two pizza boxes. “Hey, Kevin. Long time no see.”

  “Hey, Gwen,” he gave her a side hug and took the pizzas from her hands.

  She pulled me back into a hug and whispered, “I’m sorry I couldn’t make the funeral.”

  “It’s okay. It’s good to see you now.”

  “Yeah, I saw your car in the driveway on my way out and decided to take a chance to bring pizza and crash your party. Didn’t know I would get to see both you and Kevin.” She winked at him. “Looking good, Kevin.”

  Grinning, he gave her a simple “thanks,” and I had to fight the urge to growl at her to back off. Gwen had no reason to flirt with Kevin other than to mess with him. She had married a guy she’d met in college and been happy ever since. We didn’t keep in touch too much other than Facebook, which I broke down and got at her urging.

  “What would you have done if we weren’t here?” I asked.

  “Then I’d eat this whole damn pizza by myself. Shamelessly.”

  “God, I missed you, Gwen,” I laughed. “Come on. We can take a break and eat.”

  We walked to the kitchen and gathered paper plates since I’d already packed up the dishes. Kevin ran upstairs to grab his shirt.

  “So, what have you been up to all week?” she asked with a mouth full of food.

  “Kevin has been helping me pack up. I need to get the house on the market.”

  “I’m sorry, Ana. I know that must be hard. Are you staying here?”

  “She’s staying with me,” Kevin interjected, having come back from collecting his shirt, thank god.

  “Oh really?” Gwen turned to me with a raised eyebrow. “So, are you guys . . . together?”

  My laugh came out a little forced. “No, no. He’s just helping me out so I’m not here alone.”

  “You always were so devoted to her, Kev.”

  “What can I say? She’s my best friend.”

  I took a bite of pizza to hide the smile I couldn’t hold back. We’d been around each other for only a week after a long time apart, and I loved that he still thought of me that way. I’d truly missed him.

  “So, what’s happening with you, Gwen?” Kevin asked.

  “Not much. Doing the whole married life. Traveling while I can for my job, dragging the husband with me when he’s around.”

  “Gwen’s a freelance visual merchandiser. She travels to various places to help stores look amazing.”

  “You always did love clothes. I’m not surprised by that.”

  “What can I say? I’m a hot commodity.” Gwen shrugged.

  “How did you and Ana stay in touch for so long?”

  “Facebook,” Gwen answered.

  “What?” Kevin looked at me accusingly. “When the hell did you get Facebook?”

  “Oh, my god,” Gwen threw her hands up. “It took me years to convince her to make my life easier and just get Facebook so I could stalk her life. Before we did a lot of emails and messages. She was such a pain in the ass.”

  “Well, I’ll have to look her up now.” Kevin smirked at me. “That way I can stalk her too.”

  I rolled my eyes. “These are the reasons I didn’t have Facebook.”

  “Yeah, but she doesn’t use it much, so don’t get your hopes up.”

  “As long as she’ll send me nudies every once in a while through Messenger, I’m good.”

  “Gross, Kev.” I reached over and slapped his chest, but he caught my hand and held it.

  “Come on, Ana. I’ll show you mine if you show me yours. Look, we can start now.” He moved his free hand below the table, while Gwen and I covered our eyes, squealing. “Well, that’ll dent a guy’s ego.”

  We both fell apart laughing. Once Gwen got herself together she gave Kevin and I a more serious look. “Are you sure you guys aren’t together?”

  “Yeah. We actually just met up again at the funeral. It’s been a few years since we’d talked,” I said.

  “Hmmm. I kind of always thought you would be together.” She pointed her finger at me. “I was going to be mad if you hadn’t told me the dirty deets.”

  “Yeah,” Kevin started, stretching and rubbing his chest. “She keeps trying, but I have to keep turning her down.”

  Gwen had just taken a drink when he spoke and proceeded to spit it out on a choked laugh. I couldn’t help but join in too.

  “What?” Kevin asked.

  “I have a feeling it’s the other way around. My girl Ana is too good for you.”

  Kevin looked at me and licked his lips in a way that heated me from the inside out. Thankfully Gwen had turned to look at a text and couldn’t see the blush spreading on my cheeks.

  “That she is,” Kevin agreed. “Way too good for me.”

  Later that night we got home and settled into a routine we’d formed over past the week. Kevin let me get ready in the bathroom first and then he followed, changing into his pajamas, coming out presentable. Except this time, he came strolling out of the bathroom in nothing but his boxer briefs, and I almost swallowed my tongue as I skidded to a halt on his hardwood floors.

  “What?” he asked, eyebrow cocked.

  “Um, uh . . . nothing,” I stuttered like an idiot. Was my mouth closed? Was I drooling? God, his abs were so hard. And if I looked hard enough, I could’ve seen the outline of the head of his dick through the black cotton clinging to it.

  “Like what you see, Ana?” I lifted my eyes and scowled at his smirk. The asshole knew what he was doing and enjoying it.

  “I’ve seen better.” I shrugged.

  “Careful with those words. The last time you said that, I had you pinned to my bed, and my tongue down your throat.”

  A zing shot through my core and sparked my heart into a fast tempo as I recalled all those years ago when we’d shared our first kiss. I took a deep breath and forced out a laugh.

  “You wish.” I tossed the words over my shoulder as I walked to the bedroom. Kevin let me sleep in the bed and he took the couch, staying true to his word that I was staying at his apartment as just a friend.

  But later that night when I snuck out to get a drink of water from the kitchen, I regretted letting him talk me into the arrangement. The flash of the television illuminated his long body on the couch with his feet and half of his calves hanging off the arm. He shifted no less than five times in just a few seconds. I couldn’t let him continue sleeping on the couch, but knowing Kevin, he wouldn’t allow me to sleep there.

  Fuck it. We were adults and had laid out the boundaries between us. Grabbing my water glass, I made my way over to him and stared at his features in the glow of the television.

  “Come to the bedroom, Kev.”

  His head jerked up. “Ummm . . .,” he dragged out, trying to process my words.

  “Not like that,” I laughed. “You look mis
erable out here, and I feel like a bitch taking your bed. I know you won’t let me sleep on the couch, and it’s a king size bed. We’ll be fine sharing it.”

  “You sure?” he asked, even though he was already standing and grabbing his pillow.

  “Yeah.” But I still gulped when I looked at him in just his underwear walking into the bedroom. “Can’t you wear some pants?”

  A laugh burst from deep in his chest and seemed to reach across the mattress and stroke between my legs.

  “You’re lucky I’m not sleeping naked like I usually do. Why?” he asked, turning to look at me as we stood across from each other on either side of the bed. “You don’t think you’ll be able to resist this?” He swiveled his hips and as much as I wanted to stare at the way they moved, I forced myself to roll my eyes. When he laughed, I took my chance and threw a pillow at him.

  I scoffed. “You’re so full of yourself.”

  We settled onto our sides of the bed and he whispered a quiet, “Goodnight, Anabelle.”

  “Night, Kev.”

  It took forever to fall asleep. I kept waiting for him to make a move or roll over, but it seemed his breathing evened out before mine. At least I thought so. Sometime before sleep claimed me, we’d managed to drift closer. His arm made it around my waist and his chest pressed to my back. I said nothing and pretended to be asleep, despite the way my heart hammered against my chest. I figured maybe he was asleep and I didn’t want to wake him.

  But the reality was that I didn’t want to take responsibility for how close we were or how much I liked it. I had a chance to pull away and say no, but I didn’t.

  And when he buried his nose in my hair and kissed my neck, I didn’t move. I didn’t say anything when he asked me in a whisper if holding me was okay. I faked sleep and let it happen. Because I knew if I opened my mouth, I’d have to admit I was awake and pull away. I wasn’t ready to admit how much I thought about being with Kevin. I wasn’t ready to admit how tired I’d been of trying to be someone else and fight my true feelings, my desires. I wasn’t ready, and I was a coward for being relieved that he hadn’t brought it up or pushed the subject.