Shame

by Fiona Cole

  I fought every day to not fall into the possibilities of what we could be. Was I ready to be with him? Did it even matter if I was? No matter what I wanted or desired, I needed to remember the possible fallout of having marks on me that I couldn’t explain.

  But wrapped in his arms, I didn’t want to be anywhere else. If I spoke, I never would’ve been able to admit it. So, in silence I cuddled closer. I denied the truth rattling in my head and let sleep claim me.

  Chapter Forty-Five

  Ana

  Two weeks later, I knew it was time for me to leave.

  Kev and I had packed up all my mom’s belongings and moved them to storage. He’d even helped me find a realtor and get the house on the market. He knew how hard it was on me to sell the house, and had stepped in when he could.

  I’d taken the time he was at work to view apartments for myself. None of them felt right. I compared them all to Kevin’s and they were all missing that one thing I was looking for—Kevin. I hated the idea of leaving and being alone again. I was happier at Kevin’s.

  We’d stuck to the just friends rule and had as much fun as when we were teens. He’d even gone out and gotten the new Twisted Metal game for his PS4 so we could play at night. I’d still kicked his ass and shit-talked him the whole time I did it.

  Some nights he’d order dinner, but then there were nights when we worked together in the kitchen. We’d have wine and make fun of the way the other cooked. I’d turned on music and danced around him as he struggled to not get burned by splattering bacon grease one morning. Sometimes we’d spend the evening watching movies.

  Through it all, he’d found ways to touch me. Holding my waist as he moved me aside in the kitchen. Shoving my shoulder when I won a game. Rubbing my feet as we watched television. Brushing against me as we walked past each other in the hall. Each time it sent a tingle through my body, heating my skin.

  And at night, he’d managed to pull me into his arms. Despite our efforts of falling asleep on opposite sides, we’d always end up entangled by morning. We both seemed to make it a point to ignore the morning wood that pressed against my ass when we woke. If he wasn’t going to point it out, then neither was I.

  I didn’t want to leave, and as I put my toothpaste into my toiletry bag, his voice seemed to echo my thoughts.

  “Stay,” Kevin said from behind me.

  I looked up into the mirror to find him leaning against the door jamb with his arms folded across his chest.

  “What?” I breathed out on a laugh.

  “Stay with me. Stop looking for apartments.” He uncrossed his arms and took a step forward. He turned me to face him, leaving his strong hands on my shoulders and staring down at me with his pleading eyes. “You don’t have to be alone. I like having you here. I’ve missed you and having you around has made me happier than I’ve been in four years.”

  “Kevin, I can’t stay.” I broke eye contact and shook my head, trying to come up with all the reasons his idea was ludicrous. “I have a life I need to get back to.”

  He brushed my hair off my shoulders and lifted my chin. “Don’t leave, Ana. Stay with me. Let me take care of you. Let me give you what you need.”

  We’d danced around our attraction all month. He crowded me now, pushing harder.

  And I was ready to cave.

  His thumb drifted up and down my neck. My head lolled to the side, inviting him to bring his mouth to my skin. His lips against my fragile skin were tender, even though I knew how rough they could be.

  Maybe I could give us a try. I’d been alone so long, and there he was trailing soft, sucking kisses up my neck, wanting to take care of me in a way no one but he knew how to do.

  “Be with me, Ana,” he whispered in my ear, before nipping at my lobe, the pain shooting through me, straight to my core. “I know you’re scared, and I haven’t pushed you. I wanted you to be ready, and I think we both are. Stop running from us. Be with me. Give us a chance.”

  There were reasons I’d run. There were things I needed to remember. I knew I was blocking them out, but I’d wanted him so much for so long. With his lips trailing down the V of my shirt, with each nip at my tender skin, I forgot what those reasons were. I lost my will to his. When his fingers pressed into the soft hollows of my hips, the pain almost folding me in half, I submitted my will to his freely.

  My body sank into his embrace, a moan tripping past my lips, and he knew I’d caved. He knew he had me where he wanted me. Where we both wanted to be.

  With one last nip at my bottom lip, he pulled back and stood to his full height. “Strip,” he commanded.

  I didn’t waste time. I held his stare, and with trembling hands I pulled my shirt over my head, and shoved my pants down my legs, kicking them aside. I never had to wonder if my body satisfied him, because even after all these years and the changes I’d grown into, he still looked at me like he could barely hold himself back from devouring me whole. A surge of power washed over me, giving me the confidence I needed to unclasp my bra and slip off my panties.

  He gripped my pinkies in his and led me into the bedroom. “Climb on the bed and let me look at you.”

  I climbed on and leaned back on my hands, but he flipped me over to my stomach and held my head down as he pulled my hips up, situating my knees beneath me. I was completely exposed to whatever he wanted to do. I waited in excitement and fear of what would come next. I tried to watch him, but he went behind me and I heard the squeak of the chair when he sat in it.

  In the silence that followed, I fought to not squirm, to squeeze my legs tight to ease the ache, and possibly hide some of myself. When I heard the rasp of his zipper, I turned my head the smallest amount to see what he was doing. His hand firmly grasped his erect cock. It slowly stroked up and down the skin, his thumb brushing the head at the top.

  I couldn’t fight the clench of my pussy, and I knew he saw it by how intently he stared at me.

  “Like what you see, Ana?”

  “Yes,” I barely whispered the word.

  “Good, now face forward and let me enjoy the view.”

  I turned and pressed my forehead to the cool comforter. My face heated with embarrassment at being used so carelessly. Embarrassed for liking it.

  “Are you embarrassed?” he asked, reading my mind.

  “Yes,” I whimpered.

  “Good,” he growled. His breathing became more labored and the slaps of his fist making contact with his skin grew faster, then they would slow. Eventually he spoke to me, telling me dirty things, rarely needing a response.

  “Such a perfect little slut letting me use your body for my own pleasure, and liking it. I don’t even have to touch you and I can see your sweet cream building in your cunt. Even if you didn’t want this, I could force you. I would. I would tie you down and take what I wanted. I don’t need your permission.” His words taunted me, not needing a response. “Maybe I should’ve invited some friends over. Let them enjoy the view.”

  I jerked at that comment, not liking the idea of being seen by anyone but Kevin. But his words continued to arouse me more and more no matter how much the thought of it disturbed me. Because it disturbed me.

  “You don’t like that? Well, that’s too bad. I own that cunt, and you would do as I said whether you liked it or not. Because you’re a good little slut and want to please me. Right?”

  I didn’t want to answer, but when he asked again, I begrudgingly whispered, “Yes.”

  “Good girl.”

  The chair squeaked again, and soft footsteps on the carpet let me know Kevin was coming closer. He moved right in front of me with his dick in hand and pointed it at my lips. “Suck me.”

  And I did. After hearing him touch himself for the previous ten minutes, I greedily opened my mouth and took him in as far as I could go. He thrust into my mouth over and over, pushing so far that my gag reflex kicked in. Through it all, he distracted me by leaning over my body and landing hard blows to each cheek and down the backs of my thighs, even taking
time to slap at my exposed pussy, ensuring to hit my clit.

  Over and over he rained down random blows, I never knew where they would hit. As his hips picked up pace, I tried to focus on sucking harder and using my tongue to twist around his head. He thrust faster and leaned back, dragging his short nails up my back, digging in hard as he pushed all the way to the back of my throat and came, groaning my name.

  He may have shot his seed inside me and used me like a toy, but hearing his pleasure empowered me. I was a beautiful woman who could please such a strong, dominant man, and that made me feel the most powerful in my submission. Swallowing the last of his release, I focused on the stinging pain along my back, squeezing my cunt tight, so close to the edge.

  “Stop,” Kevin commanded in a deep voice. “You will come when I give you pleasure. Not on your own. Is that understood?”

  “Yes,” I answered, embarrassed that he caught me.

  “Good.” He lifted me to my knees and then lay back on the bed, resting his head on the pillows. “Now come sit on my face.”

  “What?” My eyes widened. I’d never done that before and while I wanted Kevin’s tongue on me, I didn’t want to have so much control over it.

  “I said, sit on my face. Put each of those delicious thighs on each side of my head and ride my mouth.”

  “Kevin . . .” He cocked an eyebrow, but didn’t respond. Swallowing my nerves, I crawled up to his head, held on to the headboard and lifted my leg. He caught it mid-air with one hand and held me in place.

  “Such a perfect pussy. And all mine,” he added, dragging a finger from my clit to my opening. He shifted me, letting my leg fall to the mattress and I sat there with my eyes closed, unsure of what to do next. I didn’t have to worry, he dug his fingers into the tops of my thighs and pulled me down to his awaiting mouth.

  Unintelligible moans poured from my lips when his tongue thrust up inside my opening. He pushed in and out, taking time to shift his head and bite at my thighs, suck on the skin there as he pushed three thick fingers inside me.

  It was too much, the painful pinch testing my strength to remain upright. Then he zeroed in on my bundle of nerves, and swirled his tongue around it before flicking at it hard and fast. He switched repeatedly, sometimes pumping his fingers into me roughly and then leaving them still.

  It lasted forever and not long enough. I became lost in the pleasure, because even with me on top of him, shamefully rubbing my cunt all over his mouth, he had complete control of me and I loved it. When he kept up his pace, it became too much. Fire shot through my body and my pussy spasmed so hard, I fought to push his fingers from my opening. My thighs shook on either side of his head, trembling with the pleasure and pain of how big the orgasm was that wracked my body. My head fell back and I groaned my release to the ceiling, unable to hold in any cries.

  Once my body had begun to come back down, I blinked and Kevin pushed my hips back until I sat on his chest. I let go of the head board and my fingers ached from holding on so tight.

  “Goddamn, woman. That was one of the hottest fucking things I’d ever seen.” Kevin smirked up at me, and then tossed me to my back, rolling on top of me. “Now, give me another one because I’m hard again after watching that fireworks show.”

  He thrust into me hard, gliding his hands up my rib cage, past my breasts, and pinning my hands above my head. He fucked me hard, like a savage rutting in a mating ritual. He had no care for my pleasure, just used me, and all of it turned me on more. The fact that I lay beneath him and became a useless vessel only used for his desires sparked a heat inside me that I’d missed with anyone but him.

  He didn’t look at me as he dragged his hands back down my arms and pressed his thumbs in the soft spots along my side and ribs, coaxing shouts and cries of pain from my lips, letting them join with the slapping of flesh that filled the room. Kevin growled as he bit the sides of my breasts, methodically moving along the outside before moving in and sucking my nipples into his mouth.

  Tears streamed down my temples, a mixture of pleasure, pain, and relief at being set free. Flying on the high of a release I’d missed for so long. It was too much and not enough. He leaned back on his haunches and pressed my thighs to my chest, gripping too tightly and not stopping his assault.

  “My cunt. All fucking mine,” Kevin growled, staring at his cock disappearing inside me. “I can do whatever I want to you, because you’re mine. Tell me your mine.”

  “Please. Please,” I whimpered out, so close to breaking apart beneath him. Needing him to push me harder, crush me, just to put me back together. Anything for him.

  “Say it, Anabelle. Tell me you’re mine. That I can do anything I want because you are mine.”

  I forced my eyes open and stared up into his, feeling his will pressed onto me. “Yes, Kevin. I’m yours.”

  He released a leg and pinched my nipple, holding tight as he rode me. I arched back, desperate for the storm brewing inside me. It felt bigger than me and I wanted to become lost in it. He twisted harder and then released the tip. The stinging pain shot to my core, and I gripped his cock tight as I shattered. My vision blurred, but through it, I saw his head fall back. The tendons in his neck strained. His cries held onto me as I became swallowed up whole.

  After feeling like I’d been tossed in a chaotic sea, I came to, my breaths panting out of my chest, barely able to move with the weight of a mountain on top of me.

  Kevin groaned and kissed my neck before lifting himself up, our bodies making a sucking sound from all the sweat. He paused and looked in my eyes, the soft gaze of my friend—my lover—staring down at me. He smiled and pressed a gentle kiss to my lips.

  “Let me get a washcloth to clean up,” he said, standing and striding, nude, to the bathroom.

  I let my head fall back on the sheets and inhaled the smell of sex. The smell of submission and domination. The smell of Kevin. The smell of me. The smell of us.

  God, I’d missed it.

  The bed dipped and fingers pushed my knees out before a warm washcloth wiped between my legs. Soft lips pressed to the hollow of my hips. “You look beautiful with my marks on you.”

  His words reached into my brain and pulled a string I’d buried when he’d cornered me in the bathroom. “What?” I asked dazed, afraid what I’d see when my eyes opened. Afraid it would yank on the string and pull the rug out from under us.

  “Evidence of my ownership.”

  I opened my eyes and looked down my body. Kevin held the washcloth to my core and gazed adoringly down on my body. Angry red bite marks covered my breasts. Bruises, covered with more red marks that would soon become more bruises, covered me from my hips, all around my thighs. I shifted and felt the scrapes down my back from where he’d marked me when I’d sucked him off.

  My heart kicked at my ribs, faster and faster as I took it all in, remembering all the reasons it was a bad idea to be with him. Why I’d denied myself for years, why I’d walked away from him.

  “Fuck. Fuck.” My eyes stung and I clenched them shut, trying to hold back the panic pulling me down. “Fuck.” What would I tell people if they saw me? What would they assume?

  I pulled back and curled up by the headboard, yanking the covers with me. I could feel myself overreacting, losing rational thought, but it was unstoppable. Each beat of my heart got harder, louder, blocking any logic from reaching me.

  “What, Ana? What’s going on? Talk to me. Baby, what’s going on? You’re scaring me.” Kevin’s panicked voice pleaded with me, but I clutched my head and tried to think while I simultaneously beat myself up for being so weak.

  “Ana,” he lowered his voice, trying to reach me.

  “I can’t do this,” I said between clenched teeth. I didn’t want to do this again, but I didn’t have a choice. I was so stupid for shoving my reasons to the back of my mind when he touched me. “I can’t have these marks on me, Kevin. What if people see? What am I going to say?”

  He crawled to his knees, lifting his hands as though app
roaching a wild animal. “Ana, calm down. Breathe.”

  “Calm down? Look at me,” I shouted, ripping the sheet away, baring my marred body to him. “What am I going to tell people at work when they see these marks? What will they think?”

  “It’s summer,” he answered, too rational. How could he sit there so calm while my chest caved in on the reality of what a mistake giving in was?

  “It doesn’t matter. What about later?”

  “Who’s going to see marks on your hips and breasts at work? And you don’t owe anyone an explanation.” His calm tone began pissing me off. I knew it wasn’t rational, I knew I was letting the panic swallow me, claim me, transform me into an angry banshee. But I was so tired of explaining, and he should’ve known. He, of all people, should’ve known how much I struggled with this. He, of all people, shouldn’t look at me and ask me over and over again to explain such a painful thing.

  I shouldn’t have been with him, and having to say it again and again hurt, and that hurt was changing—warping—to anger.

  Horrible, misplaced, irrational anger.

  “Yeah,” I scoffed. “I’ll just let them jump to conclusions like I’m abused. That would go over well. And it starts with my breasts and hips, but what happens when I have bruises on my wrists, legs, shoulders? Or neck when you want to choke me again? And I let you because I’m some freaky slut who likes it.”

  “Don’t you dare call yourself that.” Kevin’s eyes darkened to almost black, and even in the middle of him commanding me, I’d never heard him use such a dark voice. “And do you really think I’m so careless about your needs?” he asked. He dragged a hand through his hair, pulling at the ends.

  Higher and higher I climbed in my panic, refusing to take responsibility for what I’d just done. I didn’t stop to think, too lost in my mind, and I let words tumble from my lips. “It’s all about you, Kevin, and what you want. You know I would submit to anything.”

  “You know better than that, Anabelle.”