Shame

by Fiona Cole

  “Do I?” I whispered. “If you know so well, then what about the scrape on my back in college? The bruises on my arms in high school? The time you left me to the wolves after graduation so you could save yourself? What about then? Were my best interests on your mind then?”

  Jaw clenched, his face paled at my assault. The words were unfair. The memories ours; decisions we’d made together. Decisions that were made when we were kids and didn’t know any better.

  “I was eighteen and the son of a politician. Drunk. I was scared and wasn’t thinking. I’ve apologized over and over.” Color rose in his cheeks and I watched Kevin lose his calm patience before my eyes. He was no longer aloof, go-with-the-flow, always-love-Ana Kevin. He was mad, and I deserved it. “I’ve begged you to be with me time and time again, and yet you just simply choose to walk away. For what? To try and be normal? Do you think if you fucked enough normal guys often enough, they’d be able to pound some of that normal into you? Did you really think that would work?”

  His chest heaved after his outburst, and I looked away, unable to meet his rage. His words hit me like a slap to the face.

  “Jesus, Ana. Take some responsibility. This is the girl who promised me she would kick a guy’s ass if he did something she didn’t like. Including me. And now you’re going to sit there and act like you didn’t know what we were doing? You were right there with me and knew damn well that I would have stopped if you wanted me to. We aren’t kids anymore. We aren’t new to this. You don’t get to play shocked and naïve.”

  His hands shook when he reached up to wipe at his face. His voice vibrated through me, knocking loose the wall I’d been building in my panic. My reasons began to crumble and I was crashing. But he wasn’t done yet.

  “What the fuck are we doing here if you don’t trust me? What have we been doing our whole fucking lives if you just never fucking trusted me? Huh?” he shouted. “Why the hell have I been wasting my life trying to prove to you how much you mean to me? I’ve done nothing but make it damn clear that you mean everything to me and I would never—never—do something you didn’t want.” He stood from the bed and began shoving his legs into a pair of pants before collecting the rest of his clothes. He was leaving and my chest squeezed, my heart begging me to fall to my knees and apologize as my head locked my lips together and let him go. Finally. “I know you, Ana. You’re not normal, so just stop fucking trying to be.”

  My whole body jerked with the slam of door as he exited.

  I’d succeeded. I’d finally made him accept my decisions and I hated myself, feeling more ashamed huddled on the bed than ever before since discovering how different I was. Bringing my knees to my chest, my forehead fell to rest against them, the tears soaking through the sheet. I wanted to scream out the rage filling me. I wanted to smash things and release the pain the slam of the door released.

  All the frustration I’d directed at him shifted. Take responsibility, he’d said. He was right. I was a coward and blamed him for decisions I’d made right beside him. I curled my fists into the sheets and pinched my eyes, letting the tears fall.

  I let everything happen and turned a blind eye to the fallout. Exactly what I’d done in college. Constantly burying my head in the sand and avoiding conversations that scared me.

  Each realization chipped away at all my excuses. Each one poking through the crumbled wall like a ray of light, shining on a wreckage that was too late to save.

  Our relationship had been built and grown on open conversations and somewhere along the way I’d dismissed it. And it wasn’t just the conversations I’d avoided. I’d spent so long pretending this part of myself didn’t exist, and what had it gotten me?

  Hurt.

  Over and over again I’d been hurt. When the entire time Kevin stood before me, always there for me. I’d wasted it, never being completely honest about how I felt. How often had my heart melted when he’d helped me, sacrificed for me? Had I ever told him how much he meant to me?

  Never. Not once.

  I wiped my eyes, trying to control the sobs shaking my chest. I couldn’t blame him for storming out on me. I’d finally pushed too far.

  But now that I’d fallen from my panicked high, fear that I’d ruined everything kicked at me. His calm, rational words that hadn’t been able to penetrate earlier sat before me, so glaringly obvious. The belief that I’d clung to, thinking my desires would only ruin me, was such an obvious lie now that I could breathe. Because with Kevin, those desires make me who I am.

  He was right, we could’ve figured it out and made it work for us. He was right, he never would’ve risked hurting me or my job. He was right about everything.

  And I was wrong.

  Chapter Forty-Six

  Kevin

  “Do you want another, man?” the hippie bartender asked. I stared at the beer sitting in front of me, leaving wet rings on the scarred wood and shook my head. I’d downed one as soon as I walked in and then nursed this one for over an hour.

  I’d needed time to think, and I’d walked half a mile, settled on this bar, and entered with the intention to get shit-faced. Fuck, Ana. Fuck my whole life revolving around her. I’d made so many decisions for her for nothing.

  Except that I loved her. I’d loved her every moment of the past ten years. Even when we were apart. Even when it wasn’t the spend-the-rest-of-our-lives-together love, it’d been the she’s-my-best-friend love.

  And I knew she loved me too, but hearing her lack of trust in me had been painful. I hadn’t seen that sucker punch coming, and I’d lashed out. We were built on trust, and she’d yanked it out from under me. For what? Fear? I wanted to understand. I wanted to think back to when I was a kid, scared of discovery, but the thing was, was that I was a kid. We weren’t kids anymore. We knew better. She had to know better.

  I tipped the rest of my beer back and sat it on the counter with a thud. Man, when she’d given in when I’d asked her to stay, I was sure that was it. I’d laid it out there and for the first time, she wanted it too. We were doing it. It would’ve been the start of our future. No more running and I’d been euphoric finally catching what I’d felt like I’d been chasing forever.

  Ana was mine.

  Until she wasn’t. She’d expressed her fears when we’d graduated college, but it was so long ago, so soon coming off from the horrible incident she’d endured in Nashville.

  But now, it’d been years of discovery. She’d even told me that she’d realized she wasn’t normal. I thought we were finally going to be together. I’d been so ill-prepared for the fears that still haunted her.

  And sitting at that bar, I dug for strength, because we’d been scared and angry and not rational. I’d been unprepared for the argument and let my anger push me to quit. Ten years and piles of fear we’d lugged around with us was not going to hold us back. I wouldn’t let it hold us back.

  I gathered my thoughts on the walk back to the apartment. I thought about the ways to make it work, because I couldn’t lose her again and I’d never settle for friends. I needed to convince her we could work, not using sex and satisfaction to coax her. We needed to talk.

  I knew she wouldn’t be at the apartment, but I almost ran back anyways, eager to put my plan in action, preparing my words. Hopefully, time would calm her like it had me, because I needed to apologize.

  Opening the door, I muttered my words over and over, practicing them to perfection. I tossed my keys and turned, almost stumbling over my feet at seeing her sitting on my couch.

  “Ana,” I whispered her name and she turned to me with tear-streaked cheeks and red-rimmed eyes.

  “I’m sorry. So, so sorry Kevin. I panicked and didn’t think. I do trust you, and I know you would never hurt me. I’m sorry,” she choked out, ending on a hiccup. She opened her lips to say more, but I held up my hand.

  “Stop.” Digging my hands into my hair, I tried to catch my breath. Staring at her, I wanted to run and pull her into my arms, kiss her fears and pain away. But I reminded m
yself that I wanted to talk to her without sex and seduction. Instead, I walked to the kitchen, getting myself under control with my back to her.

  “Okay.” Her soft voice reached across the space separating us. “I should go. I’m sorry I stayed.”

  “What?” I jerked around. She thought I wanted her to go. “No. Jesus, Ana.” Rounding the island, I approached her with my hands out. “Stop running from me. Please. Just stop running.” When I reached her, I carefully grabbed her hands and linked my pinkies with hers. “Let’s sit down.”

  We moved back to the couch where she took her seat and I sat on the coffee table. I licked my lips and waited for her to lift her eyes to mine. When she did, I wanted to break my promise and hold her. Instead, I held tight to her pinkies and started talking.

  “You have fears and I get that. This is not a normal life, but it’s ours, and I intend to finish it the same way we started.” Her brows pinched, waiting for me to explain. “With you. I won’t do this without you.” She bit her lip when it trembled and I pushed on. “We always knew communication was key, and we missed that this past month. So, you need to talk to me, because Ana, I’m not giving up on you this time. I can’t. I’ve let you walk away two too many times, and I won’t do it again.”

  Tears began streaming down her cheeks, but I held strong, not reaching out. If she turned me down, I wasn’t sure what I’d do, wasn’t sure I could’ve been held responsible for my actions. But in that moment, I fought to remain still.

  “I won’t,” Ana choked out shaking her head.

  “You won’t?” I asked, not sure I’d heard correctly or just imagined what I needed to hear.

  “No, Kev. I won’t run. I was a bitch and I’m sorry. I panicked and I didn’t talk to you. But you’ve always been my rock and I threw it away to my fears. I don’t want to be scared anymore.”

  “Ana, you don’t have to be. You don’t want marks, then no marks. No scratches, pinches, smacks, bites, or bruises.” I would’ve promised my soul away if it kept her in front of me. “If compromise is what is needed to keep you, then you’ve got it. We can discover our needs around that. We can figure this out just like we did before.” I wasn’t too proud to beg. “Just don’t give up on me. Please. I can be what you need.”

  She fell off the couch to her knees, resting our joined hands on my thighs as she looked up at me with wet, pleading eyes. “Kevin. Shh. I love you. I always have. Just you.” She pulled her pinkies out and reached up to grasp my cheeks, pulling me down to her lips. I kissed her desperately, with all the promises I would make for her. Her perfect cupid’s bow top lip fitting perfectly between mine, such a relief after thinking I’d never feel it again. She loved me. It roared like a flame through me.

  “Ana—” I started, but she pressed her lips to mine again.

  “Shut up,” she said again, pulling back to rest her forehead to mine. “Just let me finish. I’m scared, but I want you,” she admitted, before laughing softly against my lips. “I feel like we’ve switched roles. You started off scared and gained confidence. Meanwhile, I have had things happen that have made me scared of this side of myself.”

  “My best friend once told me that there was nothing to be ashamed of. That there was nothing wrong with me.” I wiped the tears from her cheeks and made sure she looked at me and heard me. “There is nothing wrong with you, Ana.”

  “This best friend sounds smart.”

  “The smartest.” Not able to resist, I pressed another kiss to her lips. Just a peck. Soft, tender, quick. “I know things have happened and I hate that,” I growled, remembering the horror she faced and hating that I wasn’t there to save her. “But I can protect you and make you happy. We can make this work because I love you too. So damn much.” I wanted to say it over and over and repeat it until I lost my voice. I wanted her to say it back to me.

  “What if people find out?”

  “It doesn’t matter. What we do is our own business, and there is nothing wrong with it. No shame in it. I’ll always take care of you. You need to know I’ll always put your needs above my own. In everything.”

  “I trust you, Kev. I love you.”

  I felt like more of a man than any time I’d dominated her when she spoke those words—when she admitted her trust. I knew she was hurt by what she’d said earlier, and I needed to let her know she hadn’t damaged us with her anger. “You submit so beautifully because you know I would always put you first. I know you trust me.”

  Ana moved to the couch and pulled me next to her before climbing over me and straddling my legs, smiling. “Then let’s do this. We’ll have conversations, and we’ll do this the way it began. Together. We’ll learn together. I’m tired of being alone and fighting to be someone I’m not.”

  “You shouldn’t be anyone but you, because you’re perfect.”

  Ana smirked, and despite trying to fight off the seduction, my dick jumped in my pants. “Okay, but I’m not willing to compromise on pinching, bites, and slaps. I need those. Just in hidden areas.”

  I dropped my head back on the couch. “Thank fuck, because I love my handprint on your ass.”

  Epilogue

  Kevin

  “Are you ready for me to take it out?” I waited for her response, but was instead met with a glare. Taking a bite of my banana, I sat in the chair in my bedroom and looked over Ana’s body under the early morning light. “Don’t be like that Ana.”

  Her jaw clenched and she squirmed on the bed.

  She was a little testy this morning since I woke her up with my mouth on her pussy, teasing her. She also, wasn’t thrilled with having her hands cuffed to the headboard, unable to push me away when I gave her three explosive orgasms in less than thirty minutes.

  To add salt to the wound, I’d eased a medium-sized butt plug into her tight ass and then walked away to grab some breakfast.

  A man needed to refuel.

  “Are you ready to take it out, Anabelle?” My firm tone let her know her silence was no longer an option.

  “Are you going to finally fuck me once you do?”

  I tsked. “So sassy first thing in the morning. You know better than to make demands of me. You also know, I would never fuck your ass for the first time as a quickie. We both have to get ready for work this morning.”

  She rolled her eyes along with her hips, releasing a pained moaned. I stood from the chair and stalked to the bed, leaning over to give her the last bite of the banana.

  “I’ll fuck you when I’m ready.”

  Her sharp cry echoed around the silent room mixing with the sound of my hand cracking against the side of her bottom. “Kevin,” she gasped. “Please.”

  Crawling on the bed, I pushed her legs apart and worked my way between them, sitting back on my heels. “So beautiful and all mine.” I grabbed on to the base of the plug and eased it out inch by inch, but not removing it. “I’m going to love fucking you here. Owning all of you. But you need a bigger plug before we do that. I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “You know I love when you hurt me.” Her voice was breathy and desperate as her heels dug into the mattress, lifting her hips closer to me.

  “Yes, but I don’t want to damage you. Speaking of which, how are your wrists?”

  She looked up at her bound hands, wrapped in layers of silk and chained to the bed with a pair of thick, fur lined, buckle cuffs. I’d ordered them off an interesting site, along with some other goodies I couldn’t wait to try with her.

  “Good. It doesn’t feel like any chafing. Even when I pull as hard as I can to get to you.”

  “Good.” I shoved the plug back in, hard, leaning in to swallow up her cry of pain. “Because while I won’t fuck your ass, I will enjoy how tight the plug makes your pussy as I fuck you hard and fast.”

  She couldn’t respond. Her mouth fell open on a cry as I slammed into her. I didn’t slow down. We both knew we needed to get ready for the day and didn’t have time to be slow.

  “This is for me. This tight fucking pus
sy is for me. I don’t care if it feels good to you. As long as I can get off, then that’s all that matters.”

  I bit her nipple, her shout zipping down my spine and tightening my balls. “So, if you want to get off, you better hurry, because I’m about to fill you with my cum.”

  I leaned back on my heels, continuing the bruising pace, and gripped her thighs, staring at myself pounding in and out of her. I stared at the way her tits bounced with each thrust, the way her head arched back onto the pillow and how her teeth bit into her lip. She was close.

  Letting go of one leg, I reached between us and grazed my thumb across her clit, feeling her pussy tighten. It was too much, too tight. She was so wet and with the thick plug in her ass, it made her that much tighter. I pinched her clit between my fingers and twisted, pinching harder, pushing her to her limit.

  And she came. With her lips parted and no sound escaping, she came, pulling me right along with her. Falling over, I buried my head in her neck and moaned out my release, filling her with my seed until I had nothing left to give.

  Once the wave had passed, I pulled out of her and gently kissed her lips. “Good morning.”

  She smiled. “Good morning.”

  “Are you ready for me to pull it out yet?”

  “I guess.”

  I removed the plug and uncuffed her hands, making sure to look them over for any marks. Nothing. The silk and fur had worked and I couldn’t wait to use them again.

  Living with Ana allowed for a lot of time to be creative. But we always talked about it and she always knew her safe word if things felt like too much. If she felt like something was leaving a mark where it shouldn’t she let me know and we stopped.

  We were making it work for us. We were making us work. Finally.

  I watched my Ana, get up and walk naked into the bathroom, my handprint still sharp on her ass from earlier. God, I loved her. I went to prepare coffee as she got ready, and brought a bagel and mug to her after she’d showered.