Obsessive Addiction

by KL Donn

  “All rise,” the bailiff orders as the judge enters the courtroom.

  “Motherfucker,” I mutter, not quietly enough since Ren looks up to me with questions and fear in her stare. The judge is the same one who presided over my case when I had been convicted of killing Jeffrey.

  “What’s wrong?” Her bottom lip quivers, and I’m tempted to nibble on the trembling flesh.

  “Nothing.” I can see she doesn’t believe me as we sit in the front row and Judge Thomas looks directly at me, a smirk on his face.

  We wait quietly as the judge listens to Zack and the D.A.; I think his name is Mason Watts. I haven’t paid much attention to anyone but Farren for the past three weeks. Zack fills me in on what I miss while watching her, making sure she isn’t pushing herself too far. I can feel Farren shaking beside me. She hides it well in public, but when it’s just her and I, she let’s go. Her tears can run for hours.

  “Mr. Malcolm!” Judge Thomas snaps, and my head whips around to him.

  Fuck. I knew this wasn’t going to go well. I stand because the man demands absolute respect from everyone around him, and I won’t fuck this up for Farren and Ben. “Yes, sir?”

  “Do you have something against the Warner family?” That’s a loaded fucking question.

  “Your Honor?” I’m not going to play dumb exactly, but I won’t admit to much either.

  “You were convicted for the crime of murdering Jeffrey Warner, now here we are, with you on the opposing side of Scott Warner. Have they done something to you?” He tilts his head to the side and reminds me of a curious dog.

  “To be frank, Judge Thomas, I don’t have it out for them. I have a desire to protect a girl who was failed by her mother, the system, and honestly, the Warners.”

  “How exactly had she been failed by the system?”

  I’m not sure he really wants the answer to this one. “During my trial, while I wasn’t vocal about anything”—He snorts, and I smirk. It’s true—“and maybe I should have been. Maybe Ben could have been saved, too. Accusations about Jeffrey being a molester were brought up, and yet, not a single person investigated it. No one sought out the truth. No one fought to make sure Farren Hallewell was safe.” He glares at me, but I see the truth in his gaze.

  “And you’re their crusader?”

  “If I need to be, yeah, I am. Zack, however, will do the legal work.” Thomas looks to him, knowing who he is. Zack might be young, but his family is as well-known as mine, and he’s made a name for himself.

  “Miss Hallewell, Mr. Warner, could you please stand?” I’ve been dismissed, I guess. Nothing like having the real facts thrown in your face.

  “Yes, sir?” they say in unison.

  “This could become rather messy, very public, and quite painful for the both of you. Are you sure you want to go through with these charges?” Zack said this would be asked, so neither are shocked.

  “Your Honor, are you discouraging them from moving forward?” He never said Mason had a brass set of balls, though. Shit.

  Judge Thomas’ face turns an ugly shade of red as he retorts. “You’ll do best to mind yourself in my courtroom, Mr. Watts.”

  “Of course, Your Honor. But Scott Warner is a predator of the very worst kind. He may not have touched Miss Hallewell, but his own son has been a victim to his proclivities, and this should not be let go. The D.A.’s office is prepared to offer a plea deal that involves keeping him in protective custody during his incarceration, but it’s valid for the length of this hearing only.” Mason looks to Scott and his attorney who are huddled together whispering.

  “What else is included in this offer?” opposing council asks.

  “Protective custody, of course, and five years off his sentence.” Mason and Zack told us that if Scott were convicted of all charges, he could face up to twenty years in prison. With this, he’d get fifteen. As much as I hate that he’ll be able to get out at all, I don’t want my girl going through any more hell than she has to.

  “Mr. Warner.” The judge gets his attention. “If I were you, I’d accept. You won’t get anything better from Mr. Watts.” Sounds like Judge Thomas has a bit of respect for the ballbuster.

  The two confer for a minute before Warner’s attorney looks back to Watts and nods his head. “Good!” Judge Thomas calls and slams his gavel down. “Then we’re adjourned until you bring a signed copy of the plea deal.”

  “Is it really over?” Farren looks up at me.

  “There will be another hearing, but you don’t have to be here. Zack can fill you in on sentencing.” Mason grins at her, and I fight the desire to step between them. I hate anyone looking at her, let alone smiling. Asshole.

  “It’s over.” Farren’s voice changes. I notice because the girl consumes every part of me. There is nothing about her I don’t discern. My entire life these past few weeks has been about learning everything I can about her. Not limited to the pitch of her voice. The way she sighs when she’s content in my arms. The fearful whimpers from her nightmares. I’ve grown addicted to the way her breathing hitches when my fingers graze her body tenderly. Gliding them down her arm, she always turns her head to watch no matter what she’s doing.

  She confessed in the middle of the night, after another nightmare, that seeing my fingers on her body gave her hope. In my tattoos, she sees new light. A story waiting to be told, and she wants to be the one to do it.

  “Yeah, bird, it’s over.” I pull her into my body and hold her close as she, for once, cries tears of joy instead of sorrow. Even Ben is looking a little more emotional than normal. The kid is as stone cold as a statue some days, and I hope that, like Ren, he’ll be able to move on with his life, too.

  I hope they both do.

  Chapter Ten

  farren

  Brave.

  Free.

  Hope.

  I have them. I am them. For once in my life, I’m not suffocated by circumstance. I’m not labelled as a victim.

  I’m Farren Hallewell.

  A nearly eighteen-year-old girl completely in love with the man who saved her life.

  He’s Crux Malcolm.

  It’s more than a name. More than a man. More than my knight.

  Crux became a part of me the first time our eyes met across the yard. He is my soul. My heartbeat. My life.

  I know some will call me foolish. They’ll say he’s a bad boy looking for a good time. A challenge. I won’t believe them because they don’t know what I know about Crux.

  They don’t know that when he watches me, his eyes darken with much more than affection. They eat me up from head to toe and everywhere in between. They don’t know that my body heats when he walks in the room. My pulse accelerates with alarming speed. Clarity fills my aching soul with conviction when he touches me.

  Not just any touch, though. It’s the feelings that surround us when he does. Crux touches me because he can’t help himself. I’ve watched when he’s tried not to. He goes to war with himself. He’s drawn to me in the same way I am to him.

  It’s all of these things, all these reasons that I know coming to school today is what I need. What he needs, as well.

  After the hearing yesterday and Scott accepting the plea Mason offered, I felt it. The weight I’ve been holding onto for so many years has been lifted and in its place is an immense freedom I never thought I’d know.

  I think it scares Crux far more than he’ll admit. Because it means I don’t need a protector. I don’t need him to be my buffer to the world.

  Except, I do.

  I hate the world.

  It’s full of evil and vile creatures. I have no desire to explore it.

  I’m not afraid of it, not like I was. But I have no desire to live in it without Crux. He’s my anchor.

  Maybe you’re not as fixed as you think you are, missy?

  Shut up.

  This damn inner voice is a pain in my ass. She pushes my doubt to the forefront, so I can work through it. Forces me to see what’s in front of my fa
ce.

  Duh.

  I also know I’m his anchor.

  I thought he was kidding when he said he was obsessed with me. He wasn’t. He bared himself to me last night, and as I sit down for my first class of the day, I can’t help but remember the worry on his face and then the relief.

  “You can’t possibly know how much I need you, bird.” I love when he calls me that. “The depths I’d go to protect you expand so much further than I’ve gone before.”

  “How so?” I look back at him from the stove where I’m stirring the stew I’ve had simmering for an hour. It’s only been a couple of hours since the hearing, and already, I feel so much more alive than I did when I woke up this morning.

  “Do you remember that interview you did in the paper this time last year?” I have to think hard about what he’s referring to.

  “I raised a few thousand dollars for the animal shelter.” It was the first time that I’d ever done anything solely for myself.

  “There was an image included.” He pulls his wallet from his back pocket and slips a piece of old newspaper out, handing it to me.

  The weathered paper is so thin I’m surprised it doesn’t rip as I rub my thumb across it. It’s a candid shot the reporter got of me as I was cuddling an abused dog. The animal had to be put down soon after because he was so sick. I spent the whole night holding him and petting him, giving him the love he was so missing.

  “You kept this?” Tears streak down my face as he nods and stands.

  “I also had Crew come down and get this.” He walks to a small display shelf on the wall and grabs a small box. I’d never noticed it before.

  Setting it in front of me, I see the name plaque and begin to cry harder. Riley was his name. “You gave Riley a home?” Sobs labor my breath, so I can’t catch it. “Why?”

  Walking up behind me, Crux’s arms wrap around me to hold my hands up against my chest as he whispers in my ear, “Because you’re mine, bird.” It’s then I finally see it. What I’ve been wondering about for so long.

  Written across his knuckles on one hand is the word bird with wings stretched across the top. “Crux.” I cry into his hands. How can someone so complex have so many feelings for me?

  “That day I knew. I saw your picture, and I fucking understood that everything in my life was leading to this moment. Right fucking now. Right goddamned here. I’ve never had a doubt about us, Ren, not once.”

  For hours he holds me. Keeps me in his embrace and whispers sweet words in my ear all night long, and for once, I’m at peace. For once, I don’t have nightmares.

  The ringing of the bell startles me from my reverie about the man I’m going to call mine. He said he wanted to wait until my birthday. Well, that’s in a little more than fifteen hours. I won’t wait a second past midnight.

  Walking out of class, I bump into Kalista, and the first thing she does is hiss at me. “Looks like you enjoy ruining everyone’s lives, huh?”

  Ducking my head, I start to walk away when she grabs my arm, nails digging into my bicep through my thick sweater. “Where do you think you’re going?” she snaps.

  “I thought you were Ben’s friend? Wouldn’t you want him safe?” Her gaze narrows on me, and it’s then that I see her for who she truly is.

  A soulless girl with no direction. Torturing others is what she enjoys.

  “Let her go, Kalista.” Ben and Andrew come up behind us. Ben with his crutches, but no less intimidating. Andrew, always quiet, holds her in a penetrating stare I’m sure is meant to be threatening.

  “Really, Ben?” she huffs with indignation. “She ruined your life.”

  “She saved my life,” he snarls in her face with so much hatred, I almost feel sorry for her.

  She wilts for a second before her spine straightens, and she turns her back on us, walking away. Andrew dismisses her immediately while Ben watches to make sure she doesn’t come back.

  “You okay, Ren?” Ben asks me.

  “I am,” I tell him, and I mean it. I truly am okay. While I didn’t like the idea of having a confrontation with Kalista, I wasn’t going to let her intimidate me either. I’ve found something within myself these past few weeks, and I rather like the feelings they give me.

  “Your birthday is tomorrow.” Andrew finally speaks, shocking me that he knows.

  “Eighteen,” I say, nodding. Excitement slowly fills me.

  “What are your plans?” Ben asks from my left.

  I go to answer only nothing comes out. I know Crux knows, but he hasn’t mentioned anything to me. “I’m not sure yet.” I know what I want to happen between him and me, but I’m not sure I’ll get that.

  We walk together quietly when a sudden question pops into my head that I need answered. “Do you think that if Crux had plans, he’d tell me? Maybe he forgot?” This is my first birthday where I’ve felt like anyone has cared, and the idea that I’m wrong is crushing.

  Ben and Andrew share a look I can’t decipher. “I’m sure he hasn’t forgotten,” Ben reassures.

  “I’ll bet it’s a surprise,” Andrew soothes.

  I’d let it go if not for the smirks they both wear on their faces.

  “What do you know?” I ask.

  “Nothing,” they answer in unison.

  “I don’t believe either of you.” Laughter flows through me, and they both stop and stare at me like I’ve grown two heads. “What?” I sober.

  “I don’t think I’ve heard you laugh before,” Andrew replies.

  “Never seen you smile either,” Ben adds.

  It’s Crux. He does this to me.

  He once swore he would free me, and I never believed him. I didn’t think it was possible to let go of the suffocating demons that infused into my bones, but he did it.

  Crux

  “Three, two, one.” Right on time, the bell rings. Teenagers come rushing out, teachers breathe a sigh of relief, and here I stand waiting on my girl.

  Our bags are packed in the trunk, a call to Ben has made sure Farren will have what she needs to catch up on missed work, and the reservation is booked.

  I haven’t mentioned her birthday to her because the anticipation of not only what her becoming an adult means for her, but for us, sucker punches me right in the gut, and my patience wains. I need Farren to be completely mine.

  If she says she’s not ready, I’ll back off, settle into a cold shower, and hold her every night until she is—the same way I have been. I’ll never push her for more than what she’s ready for, nor will I leave her side because she isn’t prepared to take things to another level.

  I’m happy with her in my life. But claiming her as mine, and I as hers is something otherworldly that I can’t wait to experience together.

  Watching her curly chocolate brown hair blowing wildly from the wind as she walks out the door, my chest constricts seeing the smile on her face, hearing her laughter ring loud and clear. I don’t comprehend anything else from that moment. I don’t even care that the cause of her joy is Ben. I’m just fucking thrilled that she’s able to let go so freely.

  “Crux!” She waves to me as soon as she spots me. With a quick goodbye to Ben, she runs over to me, and I cross the street to catch her in my arms.

  “Fuck, bird,” I groan as her arms and legs wrap around me. I’m sure she feels my erection pressing into her.

  “Why do you sound angry?” she whispers in my ear, laying her head on my chest, the same as she always does when I pick her up. I’ll tell you, there isn’t a single fucking thing that makes me happier than knowing Farren relaxes so completely around me. It’s how I know I have her complete trust.

  “I’m not. I’m happy as hell to see you so open. It’s refreshing.” I groan as she slides down my body when we’ve reached the passenger side of the car.

  “Ben and Andrew are keeping something from me,” she says.

  “Oh yeah?” It’s because I asked them to.

  “It has something to do with my birthday.” It sure fucking does.
/>   “Tomorrow, right?” I wink as she seats herself and tosses her bag in the back.

  Walking around the hood of the car, she glares at me, trying to be mad, but I see the excitement in her blue gaze. She’s buzzing with it.

  “Are you going to tell me?” I’m not even inside the car yet.

  Chuckling, I ask, “Tell you what?”

  “Crux!” Christ I can’t wait to hear her crying my name with passion instead of this newfound annoyance.

  Chapter Eleven

  crux

  Two hundred miles, a few hours, and one sleeping Farren later, and we’re here. I know how much she loves the water. So, I found a bed and breakfast and reserved us a room for the next two nights. I wanted to give her something new.

  After getting us checked in and directions to our cabin—it’s not actually an inn like some of the other places I found, so I’m not sure why it’s called a bed and breakfast—I park the car. “Come on, bird.” I shake her shoulder gently before I circle around to her door and pick her up in my arms.

  “Where are we?” she mumbles, but her eyes haven’t even opened.

  “Where we have complete privacy,” I whisper back. Placing her on the bed, I go back for our bags and admire the lakeside view. A dock drifts up and down from the waves of the wind pushing against the silent water.

  Coming here is about so much more than us being alone. I’m hoping it’s going to be a place for Farren to heal. I want her to have somewhere that she can count on as being her safe place. Depending on her reaction, the idea to buy one of the cabins has crossed my mind.

  The sun is just setting as I finish unpacking our bags and head into the fully stocked kitchen and begin making dinner. In the time she’s been living with me, I’ve learned a lot about Farren. She hates mushrooms but loves green onions. Pasta is her comfort food, and she’s an anxious eater.

  There have been more nerves than normal lately, and I’ve been pleased to see her put a couple extra pounds on her body. She’s perfection to me no matter what she looks like, but she starved her body by locking herself away when her mother had men over. I don’t blame her, but I don’t have to like it either.